Date: Sep 9th, 2006 11:20:24 pm - Subscribe
These lyrics mean a lot to me at this second. Enjoy. Most will know them. Good ole Garden State soundtrack.
Hey, are you lonely?
Has summer gone so slowly?
We found the ground,
but that damage was done.
It's cold as you fade into the sun.
Where'd you go? To me?
But you're alive!
Well, it's only
fallen frames, they told me.
You stand out, it's so loud...
and so what if it is.
It's cold when you fade into the wind.
Where'd it go to?
So what if you catch me,
where would we land?
In somebody's life
forsaking his hands.
Sing to me hope as she's
thrown on the sand.
All of your works
are rated again.
Where to go?
But it's all wrong, you're so strong.
But this life's work
and choice took far too long.
Where'd it go to?
You know I love you.
You know I love you .
I want you oh so much.
It's so fair.
When I was sure you'd follow through,
My world was turned to blue.
When you'd hide
your songs would die,
so I'd hide yours with mine.
And all my words were bound to fall.
I know you won't fail...
see, I can tell...
Date: Sep 8th, 2006 12:43:48 am - Subscribe
It's weird how uncomfortable I feel at home right now. My roomie is so medicated most of the time, either on prescriptions or coke, and he doesn't see it as an addiction and it creeps me out. And he's so inconsiderate but sees himself as this tough on the outside (with his tattoos and shaved head) but cookie sweet on the inside type, but he's not. Just very in to himself and his own party atmosphere. He is 36 yrs old and hangs out with little 21 year old cokeheads and E-tards for the most part. Yes, I went through that self-indulgent, find-myself through experimenting with drugs, partying and self-involved conversations phase. But I got over it about 6 years ago and I'm ten years his juniour. Plus, he always needs to be the center of attention. He will come in to the room and just start talking. Doesn't matter if I'm in the bathroom having a bath, he'll stand outside the door and talk. Doesn't matter if I'm on the phone, he'll attempt to start a conversation anyway. He acts like he needs a spotlight following him around. Acts like he's lonely all the time. Middle child syndrome?And if I don't laugh at the pathetic punchlines of his stories? he'll just keep repeating it til i "get it". (like, get it, he said the your mom joke? you get it. your mom, oh man, hilarious). Oh man, immature. I can't stand it anymore. And if he interrupts another personal business phone call I'll scream. And if he keeps talking about hitting on 20year olds, i'll scream louder. He is actually proud that two of his friends are drug dealers. Grow up. I am no straight laced sweet good girly girl either, but I am nowhere near that bad. I am not a hypocrite. He is the hugest hypocrite in the entire world. If he says he feels strongly about doing something one way you can bet he'll do it the opposite way. Or do what he says he hates. Or never does. Like drinking. Gawd. He's not the worst roommate but I cringe when I think of leaving the house on the weekends to work my shift and leaving all that stuff in my room. What if he has some party girl over the morning after and she sneaks in here while he's sleeping or in the can? steals my stuff.......it could happen. And I hate finding balled-up used kleenexes everywhere. I always leave em for a couple of days, but he never picks them up. And garbage in the hall and half eaten food and slurpee containers that attract flies. And this is stuff he never does mind you, cuz he can't stand an untidy house. or so he says all the time. grrrrrrrr........ guess i am more tense about this than i thought. i intended to write only one or two sentences.
so i am looking for a new place but places are few and far between and i haven't had any luck so far. i've tried. i'm keeping this on the down low from my roommate so i look for places and call em while he's at work. then i'll give my one month notice when i find somewhere, if it's before the 15th. I don't want to screw him over, that's not my style. But I don't want my life to be hell if i can't find somewhere this month. Best to do what's best for all involved.
In the meantime I work around when he's gonna be home and try to be home the least amount possible in general. i feel less creative lately, which is a shame cuz I started some really good projects and wanna finish them. But the stress of work and the tension when I'm here make it impossible for me to feel focused. I work on the projects, but he keeps interrupting and I get frustrated, lose the flow. Or i'm tense so what i do get done is usually crap and I end up re-doing it anyway. Such a dilemma. I just want a place that feels like Home.
p.s. the conclusion to
Date: Aug 26th, 2006 5:03:20 am - Subscribe
before my last entry i wrote of a man who did me wrong. i wrote of his wrath and his anger, his meanness. that boy apologised. i said i accept it at face value, against my own better judgment, because he regretted it with his whole being. but i said, i have seen the evil in you now and it's a moment we can't take back. since we can't turn back time i cannot, never, forget it, or forgive what he said, the way it was said. but i said i will accept the apology. we may go to concerts, hang out, go to mass outings together but it will be changed. he is still not welcome in my house. he is not welcome near my skin. he is still on friend probation until the hurt he caused heals over. i was turned off by his anger, his cowardice was appalling, that fateful night. at the same turn i was impressed by his courage and sincerity in his apology. in his willingness to admit he was wrong, not try to turn it around on me(well, a little but not too much). and when the apology turned in to a heated discussion about that night he listened and did not leave the cafe. he sat tight, took it, apologised a billion times. said when he was walking home he thought a lot through the hour it took. and he didn't get mad. but remorseful. regretful. i believe him. but like i said, i have seen his evil side, the side created only to hurt, and i can't ever lock that away so i accept him back as a friend, with caution and at arms length. the end?
a viewpoint that begs others to share
Date: Aug 26th, 2006 4:53:55 am - Subscribe
i have recently decided that i probably won't marry. i may find the love of my life and i may want to, but i will probably keep them at lover status, keep seperate bedrooms if not seperate houses. i have also decided that i don't want to have kids too old. i have 4 yrs before i turn 30. i have decided that in my 29th or 30th year, when my credit is cleared up and i can get a loan, credit cards, and the necessary lines of credit, that i will be financially stable enough to be a single parent. i will pull a diane di prima, find a suitable candidate, take them on as my lover with the clearly verbalised end of getting pregnant. by clearly verbalised i mean that each party will know what they have gotten in to. i will understand that it is my baby, my financial responsibility, and that i will ask nothing financial or otherwise from him. he will understand that we make excellent lovers, and that he has no responsibility for the child once born, nor can he interfere in my parenting whatsoever. play with, be the weekend dad(without announcing that without my permission first), or whatever if he chooses. or disappear if he chooses. that is up to him. but i will find someone i care dearly about, get pregnant with them and be a single mother. potentially. i could also meet the love of my life and have the 50's coveted family. but i doubt it.
i recently told my friends my plan. one doubted i would not find the love of my life, is waiting for it to all turn out storybook so she can say i told you so. the one is elated, says an extended network of friends as 'adopted' "aunties", "uncles" and "father figures" is almost better than a nuclear family, as long as their is stability in the child's life around that. but another, a male friend, says that i am what starts evil, unbalanced people in the world. that what i'm proposing is nuts, and worse, it's wrong for everyone involved. no one chooses to be a single mother! he says, outraged. you are sometimes just stuck in that position. but kids need a mother and a father to grow up to be stable, productive human beings. emotional growth is stunted without that stability, or that balance in the sexes among a household. that i would be barely there for the child trying to keep us financially afloat, that i would be distant from it cuz an element woudl be missing. i was flabbergasted to say the least. yes, it would be harder, but the world is shaped around misshaped families nowadays, and there are more and more programs, daycares, assistance for single mothers. yes, it would still be harder, but a happy household breeds a happy child. would i rather rush into unhappy marriage so that i can have children before i am too old by my standards? no. would it still be harder to be a single mom. yes. am i prepared? as best i can be without being in the situation.
i'd love to hear feedback on what my friends said. what do you think, where do your loyalties lie?
but that's the plan so far, my whole being bent to it, my whole purpose for that one thing to happen. it's what's keeping me on track, healthy and saving and clean......you can call it my biological clock ticking but i think that's crass. the energy of the universe is swaying me like a piece of grass in the wind towards that one objective. i guess i view it like a higher calling, even not being religious.
i keep thinking
Date: Aug 18th, 2006 2:15:32 pm - Subscribe
we sat on my bed that fateful night that changed my views on relationships, changed my life.
he sat up and said something he figured profoud, gave me a smug smile, then a little smug nod to emphasize the brilliance he thought he'd spoken. but i wasn't listening.
i sat in awe. he looked like an angel.......wait, archangel?.......sitting there. as soon as he sat up in my dark room he was in the perfect lighting. he looked perfect. the curtains could not completely block the streetlamp's glow and it streamed in with ribbons of light. they swept across his face, brushing his jawbone and making it look strong and mythological. he looked like a modern, young zeus. he was closer to narcissus, but the light joined with him in a way that took the arrogance out of his eyes, made them soft and angelic. his face lit up like that he looked strong and caring, devilish and charming. i was in awe of his beauty. he was truly beautiful, as if he embodied the bisexual, mythological lovers of greek mythology. he was too beautiful to be sitting where he was, i knew that then. in my state of awe and drunkenness i wondered if he'd realised that too and that's what had made him so mad. as if he felt too much in shadow, couldn't see how the streetlamp had turned him in to a perfect photograph to live forever in my mind's eye. he sat in his momentary perfect gorgeousness and waited for an answer. i was wishing for a paintbrush and a piece of paper to magickally appear in my hands. he thought i couldn't think of a comeback.
he moved. said "huh". a little grunt meaning, "see, i'm right and you have nothing to say to it cuz you know i am". but he had no idea, did not know my mind at all. and when he said that "huh", he shifted to the right and the effect was ruined. he was just a boy again that was bent on hurting me. he had a softer chin, normal cheekbones, arrogance in his eyes. I knew that i had lost nothing.
Date: Aug 11th, 2006 1:50:46 am - Subscribe
so i figured out that i can not be a free-love sexually spirited 1970's being. I can also not be part of the shared lovers beatnik generation of the 50's and 60's. I can not do threesomes or do casual one nighters. I can not do friends with benefits and f%&$buddies leave me feeling senseless, empty and used.
I have just now figured out that I give up too easily to advances cuz I need to work on my self-esteem and my definition of relationships. I think the 70's sexual revolution made us think we HAD to be ok with casual sex, free love and threesomes and the like. That we HAD to be fine with one of those choices, at least once in our lives not in theory but practice.
I have just figured out that I never have power when i let that happen. just cuz it is my choice does not mean that i have the POWER handed down to me. I have control for that second while everything is in the middle of happening but no power over what my emotions will do after that. I cannot say that I can do casual sex anymore. I no longer believe sex=power.
I have now just realised that sex is an intimate, emotionally heightening act(emotionally binding in some cases) that deserves the utmost respect and dignity. It is almost a sacred thing being that naked and vulnerable with someone. It can be.
Or you can cheapen it like i did. Act like it is the equivalent of cooking someone dinner and feel like you are doing the right thing, and that you are being properly liberal and progressive.
But I wasn't. I was cheapening my idea of myself, lowering my self-esteem and lowering my expectations of what I should expect in a man. Why should I expect respect and a call in the morning? we are both getting what we want after all? aren't we?
The answer is no. I admit now that I am old school. I am full of the need for a real relationship, the need for full romance and intimacy. I want someone to be there for me, who will sleep with me and call me in the morning. I don't believe in the movie ideals so I took it too far the other way before and decided to believe in nothing. No romance, no intimacy, faux friendships based on sex.
No more. I still have low self-esteem, but I have more self-respect. I will treat sex with the reverence it deserves. The next guy I meet for a date will not be under the false pretence that all I want is fun and physical times. I will be honest with myself about what I need from a relationship, which may help me weed out all the jerks I seem to have found in the past.
This is my promise, my vow, to myself. I will remember that what I ultimately want to find is a connection with a person that may turn in to love. And the next time I have sex it will be with a potential husband. With someone I love dearly and have been dating for a long, long time. Even someone who I might get engaged to. Someone I could see spending years with............
Cuz I realise now, finally, what I want. What i deserve, crave and need even.
Date: Jul 27th, 2006 11:37:36 pm - Subscribe
so i got promoted at work. i am starting to feel more in control of my life now. but everything spins so fast and i feel like i am running with time, one step behind. and you only live once and all that jazz. i need to stop talking and start walking the walk. i am getting up the courage.
i am living on $5 a week, if that. i am living off the kindness of friends and on popcorn and pancakes. i am trying to say i am a starving artist. but you need to create something of value to validate that response and all the writing i've done is poured on to this page. and it's only half thoughts.
it is hotter than hell in this city. you sit and sweat. i feel like i live way down south. i feel like i should be on a peeling whitewashed back porch with a 40 of scotch, swearing at the neighbourhood kids and swearing at the weather.
ok, i am going to write. no more procrastination. fear of sucking and of the blank page is sucking me down in to a black hole where nothing is ever created or sees the light of day.
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