So this is my first entry on this new blog website. I used to use ModBlog but it is down so often I got frustrated and had to change to a different site. So, voila.
I, like a million others, watched the Oscars the other night. I haven't watched them in years and years and years, but this year I decided I needed the distraction of glam outfits and frivolity. I was very impressed by the heartfelt, fairly unscripted thank you speeches of Reese Witherspoon and Philip Seymour Hoffman. I was impressed they didn't name-drop only or rattle off a list of names. I was sincerely touched. And I am a cynical soul so it's not easy to do that with Hollywood nonsense. I thought that Crash deserved the best picture Oscar. It had something to say about the state of human relationships. It said it with wit and intelligence, and without being condescending or one-sided. Which is difficult. Well-done Crash.
As many know, I have had a rough year of it. During a surgery, a loss, and a breakup in four short months, I have learned a lot about myself. I am stronger than I think. I still have a creative force in me, and as silly as it is I wanted to re-start my blog to share my thoughts with the world. I think I may have something to say. And if I don't, with all that is going on it will be a good way to react to my thoughts and organise them for myself. I hope the side effect is that someone out there reads and relates and enjoys what I have to say.
Now it is time for me to curl up with Jack Kerouac and his words on the Dharma, munching on dry Cheerios, and curling up with my pet cat until I'm tired enough to sleep.
I lovelovelove the poets of the Beat Generation, and Diane Di Prima was a genius of her time. Here is one of my fave poems by her and I sincerely hope you love reading it as much as I do. In fact, it's why I chose the "window" pre-format on this page!
you are my bread
and the hairline noise
of my bones
you are almost
you are not stone
or molten sound
you have no hands
this kind of bird flies backwards
and this love
breaks on a windowpane
where no light talks
this is not the time
for crossing tongues
(the sand here
turned you with his toe
and you will
unspent and underground
-Diane Di Prima
so the message today is love the city where you live. even if today you were in vancouver struggling through a 20 min walk to work against tons of strong wind and a crapload of rain that was falling so hard it nearly pierced your skin. yes, i still love the city of vancouver but i still hate all this rain. especially stormy rain. it's hard to get used to it after living in a place with 8 months of the year being dry-cold and the rest being dry heat.
i have had a lot of things buzzing around my brain lately. things to do, thoughts and half-thoughts, work stuff.......all these to-do's, what-ifs, and thoughts keep going around and around. even in my dreams i sit and write down to-do lists, or have a debate about possibilities of "things that could be"! going through a breakup and a move is starting to wear at me. when i start to think that i have it all under control i start a crying jag or can't sleep for a few days....ah, but it will all be over with soon. well, the physical moving part.
the silver lining of breaking up with someone you live with is that it teaches you a lot about yourself. especially if you still have to live with that person for an extra month while simultaneously planning to move on(stupid lease agreements)........ it teaches you that if you can get through day to day, you are stronger than you ever thought. that you are not one with this person but two seperate people that have different goals and different assets.
i am learning i don't have to put myself and my stuff on the "back burner" anymore for the good of the "us" that i was with him. i am teaching myself to step out on my own again. knowing i will be living with a roommate soon and not as part of a couple makes me examine what i want for me for the future. cuz before i was focusing on the "us" and the "him" and the "we" and if it wasn't 300% for him or the good of "us" (translation: for him again) i let it slide or didn't do it! this wasn't his fault at all. for some reason i thought it was my purpose and my obligation. for some reason i felt less ambitious around him. i can't explain it. i felt stuck in a rut. we were in an uncomfortable comfort zone.
relationships are a weird thing. you can swear up and down it's gonna be this way or that way and that you will be like this or that while you are in it together...but life is unscripted and it never happens the way you expected. sometimes that's a good thing. more often than not it's not. but i sincerely believe everything happens for a reason and people come in to my life to show me or teach me something, and when we are done our purpose together, it ends and they move on to enter another person's life drama. i know it sounds corny and new-agey but i really do believe it. otherwise there have been too many coincidences in my life.
i just had a thought. i am sick of blogs that have people typing "i'm so alone" when they know they have friends and if they don't have enough of those are expecting to make online friends or are expecting online sympathy. i understand feeling alone. i just hope i don't give the impression that i am wallowing in that feeling or need to melodramatize it that much. i don't care about signs of weakness, i just think it's a sign of immaturity to have to annouce things like that or eke sympathy from strangers. although if people want to occasionally mention they feel lonely that day.....but to make an entire website of "i'm so alone" seems like OVERKILL.
guess i'm in an ornery mood today.
sometimes someone you love says some things so hurtful that they can never take them back. and they create a chasm, a burned bridge, that neither of you can cross again. you may one day get the materials together and work with eachother to build a new bridge, but it will never be the same. it may be voluntary or it may be from the urging of friends or with the support of them, but it will be made of different materials. you will have gone from using concrete to paper. you will know it is temporary or fragile. beware of paper mache bridges.
i am sad today and wary. i have spent a sleepless night of revealed truths of a loved ones true character. and i didnt like what i saw. my father, a wise character some days, wrote "Your love is the only one that can hurt you". and it's true. they know the buttons to push, they know your weaknesses and how to use them so that you doubt even yourself, they know what scares you, what will make you die a little inside. and i hate that. i vow never to be vulnerable again in my life, not to another human being anyway. i vow never to reveal all of my insides to one face, lay them on the table to shiver and bleed. i know that it will be nearly impossible to keep that promise but i feel like making an effort for a long while anyway.