tigerfly's Blog

love-warning, graphic images involved.
Date: Jul 17th, 2006 3:08:06 pm - Subscribe
Mood: sorrowful


every one of them have left me. names have been changed to protect identities.

Sam: this last attempt. well, he left without leaving. vacant emotionally. no rooms left. i looked in his eyes and he was gone. lust was left. she always sticks around. but love and caring and kindness had taken a vacation in a dark reach of his mind that i couldn't find on a map, couldn't get to if i could.

Kurt: my first tried to save me emotionally, but was only half there emotionally to begin with. you can love two people at the same time. but not properly. maybe he was flattered by how much i needed him. then he disappeared with another girl while i was on a forced summer vacation. poof! magic. i didn't hear from him until a month later. their relationship overlapped ours. he never really broke up with me. he was my first everything. i was a cutter then, carved his first initial in to my calf. it's still there 12 years later.

Steven:my second was a sad attempt to get over the first. since i'm anonymous here i can be honest. he repulsed me to begin with but my ex had moved on ages ago and every other candidate wouldn't approach me cuz it was obvious i still loved my first love. damaged heart, do not remove or attempt surgery. so i dated this clueless bastard who i thought was ugly and didn't like. i would only let him touch my hand, not even my mouth. i avoided him but was able to say "i'm dating someone" if i thought the info would get to the ex. nevermind who it was. i was going to break up with him. i went to his work and said we should drive around and talk. he took me up to his room above his parents shop. long rickety staircase in the back corner up to a single door. in to the attic. "pick some cds" he said. there was a mattress on the floor and a little cd player behind that. a window looked down in to the furniture store. cds were scattered on the floor and there were a couple posters on the wall. the bed was unmade. he lived there rent-free for the first bit he was in town. "you pick em" i said, but he said he didnt know what i would want to listen to. if i did, we could take off. i sat on the floor and picked "live, throwing copper" cuz it was the only band i recognized. he put it in the cd player and i urged him to get up so we could go. i got up, he pulled me down. i moved, he pinned my leg with his. i started to talk and he put his mouth on mine hard, pulling my head in with his hand. i was pinned. it goes on from there and gets worse. i was date-raped. i ended that relationship. he stalked me and i ended it again. i never charged him. i should have.

Tim:my third attempt at love was the date-rapists half bro that had just rolled in to town. i was smitten. he was older, dark hair and eyes and mysterious. he had a jack kerouac air about him. tall, dark, smart, handsome stranger. we sorta kinda started something. first time we met i told him about his bro and he didn't entirely believe it til i got to know him better. then he said that even tho blood is thicker than water, he wanted nothing to do with the sad, lil half bro he didn't really know. so we started hanging out in our group, the older bro and me. when we were in a room together we would always find a way to be touching. our arms, a knee to a leg, or we would give eachother a massage. he was in town to help out his dad with the furniture store, carpet laying and such. he would say his shoulders were killing him, i would give him a massage. i was 16-17. i think he was 24. at the time i knew what i was doing tho. i was no innocent. i wasn't as experienced or jaded as i thought tho. we ended up at the end of the party the only two people up. at a friends house where no one was allowed to drive after we'd been drinking. it was a house in the country, the gravel roads hard enough to maneouver sober so no drinking and driving, not even after one beer. so everyone crashed there on couches and sleeping bags and futon mattresses on the floor and piled in to the beds in a tangled mess. there was only one place to sleep left. it was my ex's bed in his room, a little single on a wire bed frame with a metal headboard. in the back of the attic, just under the slope of the roof. he said he would sleep on the floor, but i said i was small, we could share the bed. he said ok. we were good at first. then i gave him a massage and we found a way to lay so that i had my head on his chest. i ached for him but he told me it was no good, i was too young. he wasn't thinking legally, he said. but that it would be rude to fall in love with me, make me want to stay in that small town instead of getting out and experiencing things he'd done. college life, being on my own, being single in the city...... all of that. he didn't want me to miss out on all of life's experiences. so i laid on his chest and thought, "just enjoy this". i felt safe and wasn't really ready for anything physical after his brother anyway. but of course it happened. we were breathing in sync. i was falling asleep, my head against his warm chest, my hand held in his on his stomach. then he took a deep breath in, like a shudder of emotion realised. then he rolled to his side, catching my head in his hand as it fell, lifting me to his mouth and gave me the most passionate kiss i've ever felt. it was more than lust, less than love but filled with an emotion so powerful i was swept up in it like a helium balloon in the slightest breeze. he reached down as the kiss went on, opened my legs with the palm of his hand and took me as soon as i was wet. which, honestly, was in to the first 2 secs of that kiss. i didn't feel taken advantage of, but i also knew that wasn't necessarily unplanned. he also thought i was drunk. he also thought i believed he was drunk. but we both weren't and i knew it and i knew even if he used it to assauge his guilt i wouldn't mind but i would call him on it. the passionate embrace, as i call it in my head, probably looked as beautiful as a Klimt painting when it was happening, but was more like Shakespeare when it was done. he apologised profusely, felt guilty. for weeks we still hung out in the same group. i was angry he wouldn't 'fess up to liking me, kept saying it was a mistake. his excuse, "you are gorgeous, i was drunk, we were drunk". i knew that was an immature response. i knew we couldn't date, but i wanted honesty. for weeks, when we shared a room together, i would stalk him with angry eyes.

Jer: A boy who liked me. We both felt passed over and both felt like misfits. i was his friend, stood up for him when he wouldn't stand up for himself. we never dated but there was a botched attempt at something physical.

The College Boys: Briefly dated and they all left me. One called me three weeks in to dating and said he liked my roommate and would rather pursue her, "if that was ok with me". The rest just started dating others.

Peter: I met him after University, and he had an "open relationship" with someone. I left to travel and he promised to take me away to the woods, to a spiritual place and a commune like environment as soon as i got back. To teach me Energy, to love me, to take care of me and show me how to be strong. He left with another girl and i never heard from him again. He broke his girlfriend's heart, the open relationship a lie and never understood by her. He broke my heart with empty promises and a repeat performance of all my other situations.

Then Sam came along and he was a little geeky and plenty shy and I thought, "So different from Kurt who looked like Kurt Cobain only more handsome; and so different from Peter who used to model, was strong and fit as an action star and knew it. This Sam is nice and funny and will be a good dad and make a home for me." And then he dumped me emotionally instead of dumping me physically. Then he started to date my best friend, emotionally even before he left, physically as soon as he could when he was back in his old town.

I know I'm not the only one this has happened to. I feel like Alice/Jane in Closer who wants to believe in love but who can't. Lies about her life cuz she is too cynical to give herself completely. I believe in Love, but not Love for Life. They have all left me. Next time I will be the one to leave.
Comments: (2)

looking for trouble
Date: Jul 9th, 2006 8:39:04 pm - Subscribe
Mood: enchanted


i'm looking for trouble tonight. but i'm keeping myself in check. i put on my "chastity belt" pants. they have two buttons on top, plus a clip and a snap, then 3 buttons down the front. no one is getting past these. i can't hardly get past these. i need at least 5 extra mins to get them open so i can pee. seriously. plus, it doesn't help that i've been living on croissants and ice cream, so i've gained weight and now they're snug. and they used to fit so well. at least i am enjoying food again. i hadnt eaten for days when i bought these pants. i need to eat more veggies. but i am not even making enough to properly pay bills. so much easier to buy a bag of buns or croissants at twenty cents each....

i feel like i want to do something extravagant. like draw a mural. i saw two artsy kids walking around and spray-painting a decal they'd made on tons of surfaces all over the neighbourhood. in the morning it was everywhere. something grandiose and frivolous like that i would like to do. i need a project. i need swans and trumpets and roses and romance.

all of my dreams have him in them. i don't know who he is yet, but i am directly tuned in to this dream male that visits in to me. and i am destined to find a house that looks like the one in my dreams. it's exterior is old and the white paint is peeling off in a charming old world way. it has winding hallways and six bedrooms. up the stairs and around the corner is a bedroom of muted light down the hall from hers. i think i am there to visit the her but it's the him that draws me. we sit on his bed and we talk. all is closeups and eye contact whispers. his sheets are blue, the wall is a deep cream and it contrasts the great glow of good energy i can physically see flowing around and through and in him like a mist. he has piercing eyes and needs to share something with me. there is a lot said without a word. we sit almost touching. there are poets and musicians in the next room, the den, creating a play. i am supposed to help with the writing but i am pinned to the bed, my hand 2 inches from the pinky finger of his left hand. he seems to be leaning towards me, but it isn't really happening physically, only feels like it. we don't resolve anything. but there is an intensity that you only feel when you are in love.... or that hollywood used to be able to create in dramas during the silent film era or in the 1930-40's. We end up walking out of the room. the rest of the world seems dark. i have tunnel vision. i am learning something important. even the house feels like it has a spirit.

i wake up when we leave the room. i am not sure why or what the significance is of the dream but i've had it a dozen times over the past two months.
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what comes will be better than what i've been through before....
Date: Jul 8th, 2006 4:50:58 am - Subscribe
Mood: lost


i just finished the movie, "Rules of Attraction", a first(??) movie for Shannyn Sossaman. It is a Brett Easton Ellis mindfuck and has put me in a funk.

And an email from my mom hasn't helped. This new life in her new town with dad is making her miss her young social life i think. I think she skipped the dating scene entirely and is regretting it. I think she missed the attention and the flirting and the yearning. I don't want to be that. If I had married the first man I had gotten engaged to, I would have missed that too. I am glad he is gone. He wasn't nice to me and gave me no self-esteem. If I felt bad about myself, he would say I was great and build me up; but if I got too up he would do something subtle to degrade me. Like face down in the mattress and having his way with me, any way, and after saying I had been boring during sex. I must say I enjoy sex less now even tho I have taken on a couple of lovers to see if I can jump back in to the dating game.

You may think I am being too graphic and blunt and not painting a pretty picture, but having just finished an Ellis movie, i feel i am being very G-rated.

I wish Hawksley Workman would come in to my life, lend it some decadence, and say that i must come with him to a big studio apartment or a secluded ranch; where we would read intellectual poets, drink a lot, and dance around in the morning sunlight. At night we would rant and shout, sing and improvise stories, write songs and paint on the walls. He would bring to my life SPARK! He would be my modern day Jack Kerouac and we would hit the road and burn and yearn and rant and live live live. We would create beautiful art and he would save me from my boredom. And days when we felt down or un-energised we would create an enormous storm of calm that would feel rested and not tragic. I met him once. I think he might have been high on something. But he was so kind and I could feel the life-song zing out of him regardless. I thanked him for his lyrics. He thanked me for loving them and gave me a huge hug while I was shaking in excitement. I hope I get the honour again. I hope against hope he googles his own name(Narcissus) and sees this entry and smiles.

I feel so out of touch with myself. I feel like doing something impulsive. Like chopping off my hair. like blowing all my money on booze and drinking it on the beach. I feel very uncreative but at the same time feel like i need some kind of creative release. I'm a slow candle burn. I'm a whirling burst of air going nowhere. I am a shooting star at the end of its run. I am tired and going to bed............
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bad taste follows a purge
Date: Jul 3rd, 2006 10:58:40 pm - Subscribe
Mood: passionate


so i've been listening to a lot of bad and self-indulgent music in the past few months. it seems like once you have gone through a breakup you are just a bundle of emotions and nerves so everything strikes you and rubs up against you to create an emotional response. sad, but true. take heed broken-hearts. do not buy any cds in the 3 months after a breakup. 6 months after the breakup you will hate them all.
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this kind of bird flies backwards....
Date: Jun 16th, 2006 5:23:03 am - Subscribe
Mood: daunted


i feel like diprima when she fell in love with leroy. you'll understand that if you google them for yourself.


i have fallen in to a situation. it involves me in the middle of an ex-love triangle. a tricky puzzle. the boy i want once wanted another girl. a girl i know well. and he lost her and still mourns and i am here with my hands thrown up in confusion of what to do and in disbelief.

i am in a yellow caution zone. I cannot let myself get in to this too deep. get stuck in the mud of the past.

everything is for a reason. she is my yellow flag warning me that this seemingly carefree boy is full of mistakes that he regrets. I get this.

I cannot understand why the universe sends me all of this stuff to deal with. I throw up my hands.
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hmmmmmm......
Date: Jun 11th, 2006 3:57:47 pm - Subscribe
Mood: disillusioned


A lot of people are suffering from depression these days. Could be that we don't have enough contact with eachother. Could even be all the additives in our food. Could be that the world is pushing us to do more, faster, more efficiently, and we end up living beyond our physical and mental capabilities. Life seemed to move slower in the "old" days; when I was younger, when my grandparents were newlyweds....so I'm told. I miss that and altho blackberries, macs, mp3 cells, and the net are supposed to make our lives simpler, I think entering in all that data and spending half the day messaging back and forth and responding to beeps and blurps has only complicated things. It makes me tired to think of it.

Thoughts of revenge cloud my mind. If I live this for more than a week I will go into therapy briefly again. If not, I'll let my friends listen and bounce thoughts and sympathy off of me. My mum was a great help in all of this. She lifted my mood. But now I am back to my sick revenge fantasies. All I can think of with satisfaction is my hand hitting her jaw. A lovely thud, a satisfying crunch of bone. The accomplished feeling when blood starts pouring from her nose. I have never hit anyone in my life but I think if she wasnt in another city I would.

How can she think she's in the same league as me?

I am getting bad karma from this entry, I can feel it already. I am being mean. My thoughts of her get meaner every day. It's ok, I am not the bad person. I am just justifiably angry.

I am not the prettiest girl in the room. I am not the skinniest or wittiest or funniest. But I am miles better than a sneaky lying bitch that I thought was a devoted friend. A kindred spirit, a confidante, a shoulder to cry on. She was supposed to be all of those. My judgement sucks. I feel so disappointed. I could drown in it.

But anger always wins. Once I get the feeling that disappointment is a well I have fallen in to, anger is the rope that pulls me up. I will get her back. I will be prettier, stronger, and more successful in a career.

It has become a competition. We humans are so competitive I wonder how it is we survive as a pack animal living in groups. Hmmmm....makes you wonder.
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what the f#$*
Date: Jun 9th, 2006 6:22:44 pm - Subscribe
Mood: down


What is wrong with the world? Why would someone throw away a ten year friendship to get laid?

Yup, the girl formally known as my best friend is dating my ex. And after what he put Me through.

But there are a million books and movies about this. So I am not alone. And I will get over it. And if movies don't lie(hehe, ya right) I will recover stronger and prettier with Prince Whomever by my side. Hurray?!? Is this the new American Dream? To be "saved" by our ideal mate in a b.s. relationship. If so, this world is more fuct up than I thought.

At least it was a former friend and not my sister, like "In Her Shoes".

I think I have said all this before. I think I've said that I've said it all before.

I don't think there is anything new to say. I expected this from him. But I thought she was bigger than this. I thought she had more respect for me. I guess that girl is a bitch just like the popular whores in high school. Hm. I thought my judgement was sharper than this.

Just Breathe.

I will get over this in a couple of days. Success is the best revenge I am told, and I am doing it, living it, feeling it. My dreams, my goals I mean.

Maybe I will take a lover when my skin stops crawling. And my lover will push the Ex's shadow out of my bed. And I will not have to remind myself to Breathe.

God, She lives with her parents. He lives in his grandparent's basement. Where in the hell do they have sex? There? Cuz that's just wrong. I used to take afternoon naps in those beds, being friends with her and dating him. But I never, never, never woulda fucked there. I have more respect for other people's places than that. And his grandparents probly use that as a guest bed sometimes. Gross. *She is too big to fit in the single bed with him anyway. (*Bad Karma comment there. Oops, alert alert). I hope they are very happy together.

Honestly tho, I am not sure why I care. To be truthful, I am muchmuchmuch happier without him. I don't want him back. I don't want the life I had. I am happier moving forward without him and should've done this a year ago.

But to have it be her. The ultimate feeling of betrayal, next to it being a family member. It's sick and it's sad and she's clutching at straws. Maybe they fill an emotional void for eachother. Maybe they are worried they won't find anyone else. A Relationship of Convenience. A relationship built out of the fear of being lonely and a shared need to stay 15 yrs old mentally for so much longer.

I think I scared him with my ambitions. With my needs, and with my very normal dream of having a family. When I asked him if he wanted one he nodded yes, but mentally he was already making his great escape out of the relationship as soon as he could.

When will I want to talk of something else?? Probably never. No, that's not true. Everyday I get worked up over a project I'm doing or a new friend's woes or meeting up with someone or working out. I'm gonna work this out. I'm just distracted for a minute. It's like an accident, you can't stop looking. The relationship was a car wreck and I can't stop pointing it out.

Pretty soon I will write down conversations and make pretty pictures for you all. But right now I will "Woe IS ME.....!!" for a little bit longer.
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