tigerfly's Blog

sexual revolutions?
Date: Aug 11th, 2006 2:50:46 am - Subscribe
Mood: serious


so i figured out that i can not be a free-love sexually spirited 1970's being. I can also not be part of the shared lovers beatnik generation of the 50's and 60's. I can not do threesomes or do casual one nighters. I can not do friends with benefits and f%&$buddies leave me feeling senseless, empty and used.

I have just now figured out that I give up too easily to advances cuz I need to work on my self-esteem and my definition of relationships. I think the 70's sexual revolution made us think we HAD to be ok with casual sex, free love and threesomes and the like. That we HAD to be fine with one of those choices, at least once in our lives not in theory but practice.

I have just figured out that I never have power when i let that happen. just cuz it is my choice does not mean that i have the POWER handed down to me. I have control for that second while everything is in the middle of happening but no power over what my emotions will do after that. I cannot say that I can do casual sex anymore. I no longer believe sex=power.

I have now just realised that sex is an intimate, emotionally heightening act(emotionally binding in some cases) that deserves the utmost respect and dignity. It is almost a sacred thing being that naked and vulnerable with someone. It can be.

Or you can cheapen it like i did. Act like it is the equivalent of cooking someone dinner and feel like you are doing the right thing, and that you are being properly liberal and progressive.

But I wasn't. I was cheapening my idea of myself, lowering my self-esteem and lowering my expectations of what I should expect in a man. Why should I expect respect and a call in the morning? we are both getting what we want after all? aren't we?

The answer is no. I admit now that I am old school. I am full of the need for a real relationship, the need for full romance and intimacy. I want someone to be there for me, who will sleep with me and call me in the morning. I don't believe in the movie ideals so I took it too far the other way before and decided to believe in nothing. No romance, no intimacy, faux friendships based on sex.

No more. I still have low self-esteem, but I have more self-respect. I will treat sex with the reverence it deserves. The next guy I meet for a date will not be under the false pretence that all I want is fun and physical times. I will be honest with myself about what I need from a relationship, which may help me weed out all the jerks I seem to have found in the past.

This is my promise, my vow, to myself. I will remember that what I ultimately want to find is a connection with a person that may turn in to love. And the next time I have sex it will be with a potential husband. With someone I love dearly and have been dating for a long, long time. Even someone who I might get engaged to. Someone I could see spending years with............

Cuz I realise now, finally, what I want. What i deserve, crave and need even.
Comments: (1)

emogirlie - August 14th, 2006 I tell myself that I'm okay having a no-strings-attached thing, but my emotions always get in the way. Guys can easily disattach their dicks from their emotions, but for girls, its a lot harder. I still think back to nights spent with certain guys. I'm happy I didn't have sex with that certain someone, even though at the time I wanted to. Because I've realzed that all he cares about is himself. Most guys do. Good for you for wanting a real relationship. These days, hooking up is too common, and I'm getting sick of being with people, only to have them not speak to me the next day or ignore the fact that we spent time together, exploring each other's bodies. Sometimes it makes me sick to think of myself. But oh well. Whats done is done.

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