tigerfly's Blog

a viewpoint that begs others to share
Date: Aug 26th, 2006 5:53:55 am - Subscribe
Mood: stuck


i have recently decided that i probably won't marry. i may find the love of my life and i may want to, but i will probably keep them at lover status, keep seperate bedrooms if not seperate houses. i have also decided that i don't want to have kids too old. i have 4 yrs before i turn 30. i have decided that in my 29th or 30th year, when my credit is cleared up and i can get a loan, credit cards, and the necessary lines of credit, that i will be financially stable enough to be a single parent. i will pull a diane di prima, find a suitable candidate, take them on as my lover with the clearly verbalised end of getting pregnant. by clearly verbalised i mean that each party will know what they have gotten in to. i will understand that it is my baby, my financial responsibility, and that i will ask nothing financial or otherwise from him. he will understand that we make excellent lovers, and that he has no responsibility for the child once born, nor can he interfere in my parenting whatsoever. play with, be the weekend dad(without announcing that without my permission first), or whatever if he chooses. or disappear if he chooses. that is up to him. but i will find someone i care dearly about, get pregnant with them and be a single mother. potentially. i could also meet the love of my life and have the 50's coveted family. but i doubt it.

i recently told my friends my plan. one doubted i would not find the love of my life, is waiting for it to all turn out storybook so she can say i told you so. the one is elated, says an extended network of friends as 'adopted' "aunties", "uncles" and "father figures" is almost better than a nuclear family, as long as their is stability in the child's life around that. but another, a male friend, says that i am what starts evil, unbalanced people in the world. that what i'm proposing is nuts, and worse, it's wrong for everyone involved. no one chooses to be a single mother! he says, outraged. you are sometimes just stuck in that position. but kids need a mother and a father to grow up to be stable, productive human beings. emotional growth is stunted without that stability, or that balance in the sexes among a household. that i would be barely there for the child trying to keep us financially afloat, that i would be distant from it cuz an element woudl be missing. i was flabbergasted to say the least. yes, it would be harder, but the world is shaped around misshaped families nowadays, and there are more and more programs, daycares, assistance for single mothers. yes, it would still be harder, but a happy household breeds a happy child. would i rather rush into unhappy marriage so that i can have children before i am too old by my standards? no. would it still be harder to be a single mom. yes. am i prepared? as best i can be without being in the situation.

i'd love to hear feedback on what my friends said. what do you think, where do your loyalties lie?

but that's the plan so far, my whole being bent to it, my whole purpose for that one thing to happen. it's what's keeping me on track, healthy and saving and clean......you can call it my biological clock ticking but i think that's crass. the energy of the universe is swaying me like a piece of grass in the wind towards that one objective. i guess i view it like a higher calling, even not being religious.
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