It has almost been two years since I have written in here. Amazing how much has changed. I doubt there is hardly anyone left that remembers me.
In the past two years I have found freedom (if that exists) from my eating disorder. Am a lot more happy and content with life. I also moved out of my house (twice), first to go a treatment type center and secondly to move out for good into an apartment. I have gotten back into church. Been dumped by two boyfriends. Made a bunch of amazing friends and then lost them all.
I suppose that is why I am writing in here now. I am so incredibly lonely. My heart longs for human interaction. I want to be accepted and liked and loved for who I am. I want people to leave comments on my facebook and e-mail me! I want people to call me. I want to matter. I want... to be noticed.
Right now I am fighting not to run back to what was my coping mechanism for six years. I know why I want to do it but that doesn't help. I want to do it because I am stressed about finals next week, I am lonely, I am depressed, and I am angry but I don't know what to do about it except run and eat everything I can and then vomit into the toilet for an hour. I am feeling out of control. I am feeling rejected. I am feeling like the life I have serves no purpose at all. I could easily be replaced.
I have not had these feelings for over a year, and yet here they all come- rushing back in. Will I ever truly be over this? Am I just going to use my whole life fighting with food and my emotions? I want to a be a photographer but so what- there are thousands of amazing photographers.
Maybe I am just having a depressed week.
not used this baby in ages!!
been a loooooooooooooong time hehehe
someone comment me back please
to let me know ive still got the whole blogging thing down
whoa im bored...
... There came the rainbow ^_^
|I'm unable to sleep tonight. It has been like this since my dog passed away a couple of weeks ago. Whenever the clock strikes 1 or 2 in the morning, there will always be a dog or two howling so chilly and loud that you can hardly close your eyes and sleep. I know it sounds rather weird (well, it is, after all), but it has been said that the dogs only do this when they see a ghost. Although I don't have any scientific evidence to support the claim, both my mum and sister reported that they saw Mickey not long after he died. I wonder could it really be him? Looking back, the dog has lived with my family for almost ten years, so long that I forgot his real age already. He was loyal, playful and made a perfect companion all his life. Besides, he was also very protective and watchful of the house. I believe that is the reason why he was dropped down dead with unknown poison on the night of June 30. I had not seen it coming. Nobody in my family did. It just happened so suddenly and very unexpectedly. The sight of his dead body in the pool of blood seeping out of the skin is too painful enough. What has he done to deserve such severe penalty? I miss him, so terribly.|
|Time flies when you're having fun. This saying is pretty much applied to me and the one full year (and a little bit more) that I was away from Aeonity. No, I'm not new here but yes, I do miss the feeling when I poured my endless thoughts into the blog very religiously- how I miss the good old days! Anyway, it is crystal clear to me that Aeonity has changed a whole lot (in a positive way, of course!) and I have to admit that I do like the color scheme that can be changed almost instantly - very cool and responsive, which kind of reminds me about the messenger service of MSN's. Well, it's been raining like nearly every day here and I'm so pleased that my final exams ended a couple of weeks ago (thank God!). For this reason, I'm looking forward to be posting more entries here very soon. Glad to be back =)|
Friends get to read special thoughts
They get to understand the person more than anyone else
They get an insiders view
Don'tchya wanna be my friend.
If you understand this you can read my posts.
he has invited me to his house christmas day! how sweet! my mommy is working you see, bless him!
i love him, i do
like, proper, proper love
i miss him, and i only saw him a few hours ago, and i am going to see him in a few hours - but i still miss him
he wants to marry me :p bless him, its way too early lol! we have been going out for 5 weeks, its all happening so fast... but i love it!
i have known that i have loved him from that very first week that we were going out, absolutely positive about it!
i am so happy!
im spending christmas with wayne! awesome!
norah jones rocks!
i can't wait to see wayne tomorrow
bella is eating my chocolate porridge! chocolate soya porridge!
he is so gorgeous, and he looked so hot today! ooh he looked lush!
we are the mafia at school
we have our own little "quarters" and everything! wayne is the godfather, i am the missus godfather, mark is cheeko (yes bwoss) we even have mafia sluts, spies, contractors and everything! even a godfather chair! that we snuggle on hehe! its awesome! i love our mafia we have control of the football table (or foozeball to you americans ) and the pool table, which is awesome! and its right next to the radiator hehe!
missus heidi holder... aah... bad one there! well im keeping my daddys name anyway so
i wish i could spend every minute of the day with him
ahh im so sickly aren't i! fuck it, i don't care! im in love and i don't care who knows it! infact, i want everyone to know it! aaah!
well my internet has been down for a bit hence the lackage of bloggage! lol!
bless wayney! he bought me blinks greatest hits today! it was a pleasant surprise when i got home lol! i haven't listened to blink in AGES! lol! i used to worship them but then i didn't like the self titled album so i kinda went off them but nevermind, i love them all the same lol!
*sings along* woo!
well i have horsey riding now clippery clopperty!
<3 love rocks!
well...today was okay! first day back at school after half term, so it was abit pissy! but nevermind!
at least i passed my enzymes test! i got an E, but at least i passed it!
psychology was funny, we were talking about art and wayne said i should paint a plectrum, and he said i should go buy a plectrum and i said "i don't need to, i have my own" and so he said he was heartbroken as i had implied that i was too good for him (when i blatently didn't , he was only joking though!) so he carried it on all day! and he made me get on my knees and beg for forgiveness in tutorial! that was funny lol! so it took all day to win him over lol!
he is quite scaring me though, he keeps flirting with mary... i don't like it, nor does she...
boyfriends don't flirt with their girlfriends best maties. they do not touch their best friends ass right infront of their girlfriend. it is wrong.
i don't want to seem overprotective, possesive or psycho but its slightly worrying. i shouldn't be so paranoid, it will split us up, it shall... it shall. so i will be paranoia free... yes thats my plan
i have to go to work in an hour, that is pissy too. at least carl and becks are on, thats cool. carl is awesome, although a little scary sometimes - he calls me gorgeous. and becks is just so fun! she is so hyperactive! ah i love her to bits! i wonder who else will be on? i hope not little joe, hes a cool guy but hes just a little *insert word*. hes a chav, who isn't the cleverest but is in college doing a vocational course, is really quiet but you know he has alot going on in his head, but not in a deep sense.
i am in love <3 and i love it ^_^
i hope he loves me too....
aww he said the sweetest thing yesterday!
"i haven't seen you for 7 hours. i miss you already but thats okay because i will see you again in 11 hours!"
i am going to go and try on an outfit for school tomorrow, i want to wear my new dress and my boots, but i don't know what top to wear underneath my dress so i need to go try some combos on
black and white day on wednesday! hooraah for POLKA DOTS! polka dots rule! i am going to wear:
-black converse (because they have the white rim *thumbs up*)
-custard shop belt because it is black and white
-black and white polka dot vest top
-black cross over jumper so that you can see the polka dot top
-black row of sequins
im not wearing enough white! thats terrible!
i could look for some white ribbon...
yes i will do that!
hallo all, haven't blogged in a while!
its been half term, i spent most of it at my aunties in the lake district - it was kinda boring, cold and wet, but thats england for ya isn't it!
i went to see bloc party last night
it was awesome
hehe, yesterday was awesome all together! except i have done so much shopping, that my back is killing from carrying all the bags home! im so silly! lol! i bought a beau black wrapover dress, its lush, such nice material! and an awesome bag as my second school bag - hear that, 2 school bags and a locker! thats how much shit i have to carry around with me! its crazy! but im loving school! what else did i buy? a love-er-ly jumper, some coote miffy PJs lol, erm... a dictionary... some school books, erm... and probably lots more that i can't remember!
now i am really tired, well i only got about 5 hours sleep last night, we did fall asleep at gone 2 o clock last night lol! nevermind! it was fun!
don't you just love drinking out of kids plastic beakers... <3
im in love ^_^
well hello there!
i had an awesome weekend! we went to london and saw we will rock you, the queen musical! ahh! i love queen! freddie rocks! lol!
when we got home, we stayed up until probably about 3 o clock just kissing and cuddling! it was awesome, it really was! hehe!
school is awesome - i am loving art with mrs chatterson (or mrs bitch as we all call her)
i want to talk to roon so i can see if he is free on wednesday seeing as i won't see him out of school until... the saturday we go see bloc party so...! i hope he doesn't mind sitting in the car with mom'ma! lol!
i really shouldn't be eating these biccies - my dinner will be ready in five mins! but my tea is too hot and we are out of milk, so its ideal for dunking really! lol
i am in love with dashboard this week! and today, i have been in love with brand new! ahh! old classics! lol
well i best go, dinners ready! and i need to find some chopsticks - i don't know where they have gone! meh!
i am so fucking happy i want to scream!
wayne makes me so darn happy! these days, he gets me to sit on his knee even if there are chairs avaliable and he tells me off if i don't give him a proper kiss! ahh i am head over heels!
today mark said that we look so good together - i am so glad because it feels so right when we are together!
i have lost my pastels and i really want to do some sketching! do you remember when you were a kid and you would lay down loads of pretty colours in cool patterns and then cover it with black crayon, then scratch things into it? well im going to do that as an experiment i am really getting into my david hockney project, its so interesting! i love it! :p especially my little scrapbook!
i can't wait until saturday, we are taking wayne to london for his birthday, but he doesn't know that yet! how awesome! i don't know what the plan is, just to get a train to london, then decide when we get there i guess!
i don't know what to wear, i know i can't take anything bulky to wear on sunday because i will have to carry it around with me all day as i am staying at waynes that evening (we don't get home until 2 am!)
im going to go and eat a cookie now
sorry i haven't updated in like forever! i have very valid reasons, as of which will be explained in the course of this post!
the main reason is because i am back at school now, doing my a-levels! its fucking awesome! i love every minute of it! it also means that i have alot of work, hence the lackage of postage!
in the love department, i finished with duncan because it wasn't working, at least i didn't think that it was anyway! it didn't help that i was fast falling in love with wayne, a guy from school!
we met in psychology, when we sat next to eachother! after a few days of hanging around with him, i had decided that i liked him... alot! lol! we flirted like mad! and eventually we admitted that we liked eachother! and now we are going out! its amazing, i am so happy! lol! we have only been going out for what... 3 days and i am stoopidly happy! i think i might be in love with him - this goes against all of my ideals but i really think i am in love with him! yay! everyone keeps telling us how cute we look lol! i like him so fucking much!
its kinda odd though, being at school - i am yet to adjust! you see, i am quite a hands on person (no pun intended) and i like to display my affections and things like that, but being at school, we can't and it isn't easy! but nevermind - we have agreed to keep the lovey dovey stuff low!
i luuuurrrvvvvvee him! hehe! we hold hands and stuff when we are walking around school, and i sit on his knee in the common room if there are no seats and he always has his arm around my waist and stuff, its sweet! i like him so much!
so yea, i have to go and get some grub and do some work before i go horseriding!
ahh! i have missed you!
i will try and do one a day again i think!
grr i think i have to do open evening tomorrow! why am i complaining? i get to do some more art - pssht!
i love sixth form! its so awesome! im doing art, english, psychology and biology! its fantastic! so fun! we have such a laugh in psychology, wayne and i! hehe!
well take care readers!
so yesterday charlene and i went to surrey to see matt! it was soo fun! i had missed him soo sooo sooo much! lol! it was excellent seeing him again! he had such cool friends too! charmaine, she was really cool - loved animals and we were talking about horses for ages! aidan, he was cool! his father lives in newport in CA (i think its newport - something like that) which is uber cool, cos it means he gets to go to the states like all the time! lol! he was also a very animated person and was very funny! then there was james the hippie! lol! he was a dude! lol!
so yea we went shopping in guildford and then sat in some castle grounds for a while, which was fun! lol!
the family are going to foxton locks today, how boring! lol! i really can't be arsed to walk 3 miles up and down a canal! nevermind! im staying at home and being a lazy biatch!
grr, this is MY computer, charlene thinks she can use it WHENEVER she wants! and install anything she wants! oh and she thinks she can fix it if it fucks up when in truth, i know when it really fucks up so im the only one who actually can sort it out when it dies!
yesterday was a good day!
i went to the castle for a job interveiw and i got it! YAY! i have a training day on the 5th so i guess i will be starting that week or the week after that at least!
i ordered my new mobily! yay! it should arrive, in the post, today! i hope it comes soon!
today we are going shopping! my mom gave me £150 because i did well in my GCSEs so i am going to spend some of that - i want to get the lockstock box set thingy! and a new school bag and school supplies!
yay, the coffee machine i bought my mom for her birthday makes great coffee! lol!
been talking to an old friend jack, who i have never actually met up with - just seen around and spoken to him on msn! hes a cool dude! lol!
my cousins are here from ireland again - mary and charlene! yay! as are my auntie and her boyfriend!
tomorrow i go to surrey to see matt! i havent told him about charlene yet! haha! lol! and everyone else is going to stratford (shakespear country)
bella is chasing about like a wild cat! lol! i love it when she is like that! hehe! she is CRAZY! and shes getting on abit!
ENGLISH A B
SCIENCE C C
kinda dissapointing - i wish i could have gotten a few more As and Bs - i should have gotten Bs in science and ICT at least! nevermind
i am really glad i got a C in maths - I PASSED! lol! and i am really glad i got an A in art - i will take it for A.S next year!
i was passing an art gallery about a week ago and i saw a painting of a city, i think it was new york, im not quite sure though, it was a week ago! but this painting fascinated me, it was monochrome, and had been painted from indoors. this was very obvious because the painting was framed by a roller blind and walls. the blind only covered maybe less than a third of the painting and the walls only acted as a thin border around the painting.
i was entranced in this painting.
i was sitting in my bed when i was on holiday one morning and the blind was half down. i grabbed my camera. i had been inspired by the city scene intercepted by a blind!
this clearly isn't as good as the one in the gallery on cank street but i thought i would share it anyway - it took me ages to get the oositioning right as there were cars parked outside of the front patio!
well this one is a funny one!
fake burberry, i had to dress up as a chav! so i made my momma take a photo of me looking propa blinging innit!
this is the stunning el correz and i.
i went on a pony trek as there was one relatively nearby and this is me on the stallion that i rode. i know i know, i look stoopid but the sun was in my face! and i was riding in jeans because my momma couldn't find my chaps! grr! but isn't he gorgeous!
p.s - do you like my boots? can you tell i love stars (i have stars on my shirt and doc martens!)
this was taken at a cafe we sat at that i thought was nice. i saw the veiw and fancied a picture of it - it was very much a spur of the moment thing and i have no idea why i took the picture in the first place! however, i am VERY pleased with it, it looks really cool how the umbrella hoods the top of the picture ect. i like it!
this was a waterfall falling over a hotel! if you look carefully you will see the pool on the top of the roof, which covers a path that walks through the waterfall! it was cool!
this was the pool on our apartment complex that we were home to for the first 3 days of our holiday. unfortunately, apartment no 2 didn't have its own pool so we made sure we used this one lots before we left
one evening we went to play crazy golf [and if you are reading this dunc - I LIKE CRAZY GOLF unlike regular golf which is boring and sucks] and there were starfish things everywhere - so being who i am, i couldn't not take a picture of the stars! i love stars!
this was just a veiw from the top of the hill!
this was the veiw from a restaurant balcony we were sitting at, isn't it nice!
this was the beach which we went to one day it was nice but tooooooooooooo hot!
when we went to play crazy golf, i was the only one to get a hole in one, and i thought i would treasure that moment with a photograph - this is the sucker that gave me a hole in one!
well there are some of my snaps, the others, well the will just take too long to load won't they!
im missing you!
i haven't blogged for... a while and i am feeling the withdrawal! lol! well anyway - holiday update
peuto rico is nice, a little too comercialized for me but gran canaria seems to be a nice country. went shopping in maspalomas the other day, its all designer so i didn't buy much as it was either not my taste or too expensive! but i did buy a gorgeous star shirt for a suprisingly inexpensive 6 euro! and i got a blue striped shirt for about 25 euro, which was still good!
yesterday i went on a pony trek which was AWESOME! i rode a horse called el colez, he was a palamino and was beau! lol! because i was the only experienced rider, at the end, alexander - the owners son (age 14!!!!! so fucking young to be leading rides!) took me away for a gallop which was cool! even if he was like a mile ahead of me! lol!
today we went to a beach which was mildly boring! now we are just lazing at the apartment so i thought i would nip in here before dinner. we are having pizza tonight i believe...? should be nice i hope! the restaurant is nice!
there are loads of crappy places here you see, so we are eating in all the posh ones, its a bit more expensive but its worth it!
i have bought loads of star jewellery - a necklace and earing set, and a seperate set of earings! lol all pink
its really hot - 34oC i don't know what that is in oF? ill have a peek! about 90 to 100 i think... tooo hot! lol! well nevermind!
i have another 15 mins and i must email duncan whom i am missing sorely! really i am! *sulks*
i have taken lots of photos, which i will grace you with on my return to my regular PC! lol!
have a nice week!
7 DAYS UNTIL JUDGEMENT(RESULTS) DAY!
woo, i am sitting in an internet kiosk at birmingham airport waiting for my flight to gran canaria! yayness! lol!
roger has just bought me madness' new album! i love madness!
hmm i have 5 mins on the computer to kill so i need to make up something to talk about!
jeez this computer has a flashing bit on top of it which is uber annoying!
i can't wait to get to peuta rico! i think my MP3 player is going to run out of battery but nevermind, i still have my book! i was uberly surprised that the bookshop had no books about the most famous serial killer of all time! well nevermind, i think woman in white will keep me occupied sufficently! a jack the ripper book owuld have been interesting though!
well thats two minutes wasted already! lol!
hmm i think i am hungry... hmm i want cookieness!
wooo! anthony won big brother! yay! i wanted him to win! yay! he was a doode!
yes, with oo's in stead of a u! hehe!
well i am going to love you and leave you as i will be boarding a flight shortly!
don't miss me too much, i will update as often as i can!