Date: Mar 18th, 2005 10:18:29 pm - Subscribe
i've decided to resurrect my blog. I haven't written in a while, but I think that my unencumbered mediocrity is due to the lack of having a creative outlet--rather than turning to a more...harmful vice...I will try something constructive.
So today, today was interesting. But before I get into the deep, heavy stuff, I should say happy birthday to Jess! Sweetie, I love you! You're one of the most genuine people that I've ever met. I hope you continue to stay that way, and I hope your 20th brings you nothing but joy!
On a more sad note, this week, this month, and this semester seem to continue to get shitty. I have this overwhelming feeling of impeding doom, no matter what happens. It's like...I'm emotionally blocked from being happy; odd, I'm a typically happy person. Perhaps I've gotten too arrogant, taken things for granted, not fulfilled my promises to the man upstairs, or hell, maybe kharma is really kicking me in the ass really hard this time.
The only think I can point to is this--I believe I've embarked on a new phase of life. I'm graduating, in May. I'm moving on. I will not stay in Nashville, and I will again pick up my life and move like it's the most natural thing ever. I will leave behind my friends, I will leave behind my school, my newest 'home,' and I will search to create a new one.
It seems the older I get, the quicker life progresses. I once had a theory on it, slightly introduced from my father; when we're younger, the day seems to take forever because there are less days in our existence. This means that the days make up a significant part of our 'perceived' lives. As we get older, we've experienced more time, more days; thus, each day is a less significant piece of our existent. I've decided that this is how 20 years can disappear with the snap of a finger, not to mention our constant obsession with time and deadlines that make us rush our lives away.
Aside from that mini-tangent, I feel more alone than I have in a long time. I realize that most of the people I consider influential don't mean as much as I wish they would deep down. I realize how significant I am as an individual each day, and it's hard to go back to the time when I used to think one smile could move the world.
When I think about it, though, this feeling parallels that of when I was graduating high school. I was getting ready to embark upon a new place, a new situation, a new life--one filled with uncertainty. Here I am, about to make the change again, this time with older, more mature and experienced eyes, making the uncertainty even bolder. How I wish I were 5 again.
It's amazing, as you grow, you realize just how insignificant you are. We all grow up with these ideals, these pipe dreams that we think will somehow lead us somewhere amazing and significant. And for some, it will do just that. We think that we'll stay young forever. We want to go to high school, go to parties, run off to college, hurry up to get a job, and what for? Only to work the rest of our lives and stressing out about meetings and deadlines, only to have a mental breakdown and suffer sever anguish and depression as we wish that we could relive our childhood.
Or maybe I'm just bitter.
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