Woodpecker.
Date: Aug 21st, 2010 6:19:08 pm - Subscribe
Mood: spacey


This time a year ago....
But tonight isn't last year.
That hurricane has passed,
But my town is still destructable.

And my beating heart still remains,
And my blood still pumps through my veins,
Just not the same as before.

Because my head knows when something is wrong,
And my heart still plays that sad song.
Forever on repeat.
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Skipping Beats.
Date: Apr 5th, 2010 2:26:41 pm - Subscribe
Mood: eccentric


Tears you up,
Knocks you down,
Fills up your heart with hope,
Leaves it to fall broken on the ground.

My heart still skips beats just for you,
I wish it didn't but it does every time.

I wish that I could hate you,
But my heart won't let me, just lives on without you.

Although you are still locked deep inside,
I've let you go, left you to decide.
And yet you still don't know what to do,
You say you want me, no actions as proof.

My heart still skips beats just for you,
I wish it didn't but it does every time.

I wish that I could just not love you,
But I do, I did, I will, so true.
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*20th April 2009*
Date: Mar 24th, 2010 10:00:27 am - Subscribe
Mood: foolish


‘Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get’. That’s the advice that gets throw back at me every time I watch ‘Forrest Gump’. Why is it that up on that big picture screen, everything follows a set pattern? The theory of equilibrium. It starts off reasonably okay, something goes wrong, then there’s the opportunity to make everything even better than before, which is obviously taken and then there’s the predictable happily ever after. Although his love does die (sorry those who have yet to watch it) but she does realises he is the one for her.
Why do we always fall for the soppy, unrealistic endings? Nothing ever works out that way. Okay maybe the pessimist in me is becoming more and more prominent that usual but life is never that perfect, and why should it be? Boredom would kill us all.
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Insecurity and Inexperience *18th April 2009*
Date: Mar 24th, 2010 9:59:26 am - Subscribe
Mood: cosmic


What do you do when you actually get everything you think you’ve wanted for so long, only to realise that maybe it isn’t what you expected it to be like? You meet a great guy, one who seems genuine, open and honest, doesn’t claim to be perfect and you instantly connect and feel at ease. There are rarely any awkward silences and although it’s obvious he has his own life, his own friends, his own goals and ambitions, yet he still seems to be able to make time for you, or so you first think?!

Almost immediately everything is established, no questioning about where you stand, what you are to one another, no awkward uncertainties. Before all this, this is exactly what I thought I wanted. To just be in that moment from the beginning, but never before had I even considered the possibility that maybe this would feel like its moving so fast?

With people constantly questioning his motives, how can nothing but doubt creep into my mind? Who knows whether he is being truly genuine and like he admitted, just hates the uncertainty at the beginning of a potential new relationship, or if he is a manipulator who has played this game a million times before and has come up with a winning format. I don’t want to be played, to be made a fool of, so of course I’m trying to be cautious and not get too carried away with it all. Like I said earlier, I’m not feeling as comfortable and happy as I thought I would in this situation. But on the other hand, maybe my pessimism is taking over big time, and instead of just allowing things to happen naturally, I’m over analysing things as usual, and making a bigger deal out of things than needs be.

It has only been a week. After four days of seeing each other continuously, I feel like I’m now on the backburner, which after only a week doesn’t seem too promising. I mean of course, I welcomed this ‘time off’ to come back down to earth and do my own thing again. But then again, is this time going to be used to question, analyse and anticipate what will happen when he comes back?

He makes no secret of his past relationships and experiences, and I have been completely honest with him too, but how can you tell if someone you have just met is lying? Fabricating stories to build up a character he wants to be. He is very open about what he wants, and I’ve told him I am not comfortable with all that just yet. It has only been four days.

I do feel a lot more happier I suppose, in the sense that I am gaining experience and of course I’m hoping that the fact that he has spent this much time with me indicates that there is some interest, and that I am worth it. I’ve just seen it so many times, where a friend has been taken advantage of, and can’t stand that happening to me. No one wants to be embarrassed or mocked.

I am happy that I have my own thoughts and ideas about my situation. And I am able to take or leave whatever advice is being handed out to me, but I’m not so sure we are as compatible as I initially believed. As time has gone by, more and more of his personality has come out, obviously as we are constantly getting to know each other better, but I am not entirely sure I like everything I am beginning to see.

And for someone to been in constant contact for days and then to have no contact whatsoever the next couple of days is making me question his commitment and idea of a relationship. That is my main concern in that maybe we have different ideas on what a relationship actually is. The fact that he has just come out of a ten month relationship a few weeks before I met him, and then can jump straight into this one, worries me a little.

Of course, everyone is different. But I’m not so sure what should be done now. I have surprised myself as I haven’t got as emotionally attached as I thought I would. It’s not because I don’t like him or I am not attracted to him, but I’ve been hurt in the past and refuse to get my hopes up, despite the remarkably fast establishment of our relationship. For once, I am happy to just let things happen as they happen. If things go well then that is good, and if things go bad, at least I’ve had an experience like this and can be prepared for whatever else life throws my way.

For one thing I have learnt as of late, is that one way to live a relatively happy life, is to live a life without expectation. That way there are no definite disappointments….

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Us and the Weather *17th March 2010*
Date: Mar 24th, 2010 9:58:21 am - Subscribe
Mood: enchanted


Your heart skips beats as the thunder strikes
You say it wasn’t fear but to make me feel better,
Let’s walk to anywhere,
No destination planned,
Avoid the lightning.
Would it matter if it hits us? We’re already done for.

My mother always told me never step on the cracks,
She said, ‘I wouldn’t want to feel the pain of a broken back.’
But you always insisted on doing it anyway,
‘Thrive for spontaneity and risk’, you said, ‘Let’s make this life more adventurous’.

Let’s hide under bus stops to avoid the rain,
I left my umbrella god knows where again.
But if we can already avoid the lightning then we’re unstoppable right?
Unless I jump in that puddle again.

Let’s hold hands, our bodies entwine,
Tickling palms, a secret between me and you.
Cartwheels and piggy backs, even though your back’s done in,
Fall to the floor, shoe laces undone,
But isn’t this what we are used to?

Why can’t we get past that one little thing?
Forget about her and fill your mind up with me.

Please can we get past this one little thing.
Don’t love her, fill your heart up with me.

We are young and we are doomed.
We are beautiful and we are true.
But it doesn’t matter anymore because
Now we are gone.

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