So, We are not taking a break, and we are not breaking up, we are however going to separate ourselves a little bit. I'm moving back to my parents house for a while, so that we can distance ourselves for a little while during this time of us figuring things out. This could ultimately end in our breaking up but who knows. I'm not even sure where my heart is in the matter, like what I actually want...
So, I'm at my mom's house right now, came here to set up my computer and such since I can't really use it anywhere else right now. It's kind of nice, their internet connection is hella good compared to what mine was.
In the time frame of this next week I plan to fully be living here. Yes I will spend a night or two with Cersten but not live with her completely. This could be pretty good, but it will be pretty hard. I'll probably have nights of crying and the such.
Here's to a new life.
So looks like my odd thoughts and weird assumptions about my relationship going into the shit hole where correct.
She wants to take a break? Uh, I cant take a break, if you cant work out problems in the relationship then there is no need to be in a relationship. Why take a break to work them out? I'm not ok with that, Its either I am in or I am out, no in between! So if she wants to stick it out and work through it then good because thats what a relationship is, but if she honestly decides she wants to take a break then no go I'm out, she can't possibly love me as much as she says she does if she is so ready and willing to take a break.
And because I am not a happy person? Yeah my last month or so have been really hard so of course I'm not a happy person, I am sorry I cant handle my problems on the inside and be a fake happy person outwardly. Because I am this "negative person" she feels its wearing out on her and she wants to be a fun, outgoing, random, spontaneous, party with friends, and fuck anything that matters girl, in my mind thats not someone I want to be with. I'm an adult and I plan to live a fun responsible life. Its possible, I don't know why she doesn't think so, ugh!
Guess love only lasts so long... we'll see where it goes from here. She should be home soon so more talking, deliberating, arguing, and crying... fun!
Best part is if it ends I have to move back in with my parents cause I can't afford my own place yet...
I totally wanted to write the last entry for much longer than I did I just had to start paying attention in class (yes I was writing when I was suppose to be avidly listening to my college instructor, so what!?) so now that I am out of class, why not keep writing.
To expand on the feeling exluded and distant from my other, it just happened again. Before I came here to the library to use the computer I went to see Cersten after class. She works at the scene shop for the schools theatre department so I knew she would be there. We also drove here together so I kinda needed to know where she would be when I get out of my next class that starts 2 hours from now (a hefty amount of time to waste), reasonable reasons to see her right?
Just wanted to say hi and ask her when the rehearsal for the show would be done tonight (since she is also props manager for the show run throughs) so we could make our departure a bit easier. First words I get from her is "you shouldn't be here right now" Why? I dont know! I go there every tuesday after class to say hi and catch up with her for a nice 5-10 minutes and none of her coworkers or bosses even care, so uh, whats the problem. I barely get two words in edgewise without her looking away. I had to tell her what I wanted and then say it extremely adamintly before she even started giving me the time of day. Hell I didn't even get a kiss because of her excuse (while blowing up balloons) "my lips tatse like latex" what the fuck is that! (sorry for my language). I don't get it.
Anyone with any sort of logical brain would take this sort of thing and say to themselves "what did I do wrong?". I've thought it over quite intensly and I have come to the conclusion that I have done nothing wrong nor anything that could even be closely construed with 'wrong'. Like I said before I really hope this is just and adjusting phase she is going through because I won't care to handle it if its gonna be like this for good.
Oh yeah! Of course when I talk to her about the way I feel about this she basically says that she doesn't feel like there is anything wrong with our relationship and that it's going well... I don't get that... UGH! Whatever, really. I will just go on with life right now while focusing on the other things in it that are also important...
Wish me luck.
So I actually haven't blogged anywhere is quite some time, and I don't feel like doing it in any other place. If I did on facebook notes I'm sure I would get tons of crap from pretty much all of my friends, or I just wouldn't be able to actually say what I want to say. So here I am on aeonity, not a bad idea. Most of my friends on here are from more than 3 years ago, who cares what they think If I don't even talk to them anymore. Let's not say 'who cares' lets say It's not going to affect any of my social situations. Though, I still have a good feeling this post will be read, or at least looked over. David probably still has me on his friends, maybe not, if so he'll get this and be surprised at the capacity he actually has to create a community that actually has someone coming back to it after a countless amount of days away. So, here I am, deal with it.
I really have a lot on my mind lately and I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it so It seems like the best choice just to blog it. Sure people can read this but they would have to be looking for it. No big deal.
Our house started on fire the other day, it was an electrical fire in the basement. Didn't burn through much of anything before it was put out, but it did create a lot of smoke damage. Guess to much carbon got into the air and a lot of the smoke was from burning plastic so for the next week the house is uninhabitable. Pretty much blows hard, I'm stuck in a hotel room with out any of the luxuries I'm use to. Which honestly, big deal! I should get over it, whats our issue in this world always thinking we deserve so much, we should be happy with what we have. I'm lame for seeing this as such a great inconvenience.
So I'm with this girl named Cersten, been living with her for almost a year, and I love her. Though, in the last week or so she has starting going through this awkward (for me) phase. She is trying to find herself and do things for herself because she feels like she has been responsible for others far too much. Which, I understand totally cool! Though I've been extremely neglected as even part of her existence and we are stuck in a hotel together!!! It just doesn't make sense to me. I feel very lonely about it and It's kind of eating me up. This isn't normal since we've been living together for so long, usually getting along and always acknowledging the other person through spending time with them and including each other in our daily lives. I feel like I have to pry for any information or for any attention. I really hope this doesn't last long...
I have to get going for now, feels good to get going with some outward-feeling-writing.
So I've moved in with a friend from work, its going quite well. She keeps trying to set me up with men though, which is kinda weird.
Got my own xbox finally, some sweet games on it. I'm an addict of GH3 ...
My GT is Sensarity if anyone else is an xbox nerd like me, add it.
anyway, I cant sleep, been too busy rearranging my room, got it done for the most part, having trouble finding a good tv to invest in. Bought one second hand, but found out you cant get to the input without a remote (which it didnt come with) so I can't even use it for gaming.
Lifes good none the less, I think
Ever have those days you feel so undesirable and uninteresting and have convinced yourself you are the most boring person on earth? Welcome to my every day life.
I think lately I've done well at convincing myself otherwise though. I have a girl thats interested in me, unfortunately we both suck at organizing schedules and being the man. My roommate said I was the coolest girl he has ever met with the best sense of humor (blush) and I got a review at work worthy of a twenty cent raise and praise from the boss. Life was going great, till my roommates started asking stuff from me I don't know I can give.
I need to talk to my mom.
The best part of my day though was this;
I thought it only appropriate to have a travel mug that best describes me in some way, since I work at a coffee shop.
I'm way too excited about it.
Kinda pathetic? Maybe not ...atleast before I took a picture of it ...and posted it ...
i'm so tired of myself, my sad, over emotional emo self. i hate being mad at someone, so furious about something so ridiculous, yet they don't see the problem, then when youre finally able to say how fucking pissed you are, you act like a bimbo just to keep the peace as if everything is ok.
well everything isn't ok
and i need to run away, run back home. i dont know if i want pity, or if i want to leave just so a year or two down the line, theyll have regrets. i dont even know if he'd miss me if i was gone. maybe thats what i want to find out.
dont even listen to me, i just want to whine to someone who isnt myself for a change.
Lifes been pretty great, met up with my lady friend and we watched some tv together. She asked to take me out to dinner sometime so as much as I hate to admit it, it might be my first actual date.
Hopefully it goes well.
I'm so addicted to Daria.
Lifes been boring, no work tomorrow, don't know what I'll do, but it should hopefully be fun.
I wanna start writing like I used to, idea after idea of amazing fictional work of a dream world I could only wish I was in. I wish i didnt lack the inspiration.
Where is my happiness. I think I'm happier alone even if I'm more lonely. F*k relationships and commitment, I live for me.
i'd sure like to come asore sometime.
Got an email from my mom. Brother OD'd again. Looks like the fool isn't gonna make a comeback this time. I wish this wasn't so fucked. She said she wanted me home and shes in the darkest part of her life ever. Why am I such an asshole for staying here? Why can't I leave my "perfect" happy life here to go stay with my famiy.
I guess I'm scared.
I'll be going for the funeral.
What a day to get called in to work. Why couldn't I read this email first before I made the call.
things have been strange. theres this girl im really interested in but im too stupid or insecure or something to go after it with as much enthusiasm as i know i have buried somewhere deep inside. shes great.
shes also got me addicted to this show. The L Word.
its further convinced me how big a lesbian i am and have been for longer than i should admit.
my roommate has been trying to get me to go back to being 'straight' for him but i cant keep lying to myself. i hate hurting him every time he asks me, but ever since ive come out to him things have been so awkward.
so aside from the l word and working, ive been entertaining myself with many episodes of daria, family guy and robot chicken. Of course much devil may cry 4 and halo 3 on the side.
i just bough The Darkness on ps3 and im quite excited to play it.
thus concludes another boring entry to my more than bland blog. but this is for me so ill do what i want =) i have more l word to be watched.
much love whoever made it this far, you're amazing~
I really don't want to work today.
Just wanna stay home, play videogames, chill on the computer.
Don't you hate wasting money and getting ripped off? Its such a piss off.
My new laptop is awesome, despite a few vista flaws, Ive figured most of it out. I got the last one in the store so unfortunately it was the one they kept in the display and everythings named STORE and shit.
I'm kinda annoyed, it said at the store and on the pc "250GB" it has two harddrives that add up to 222GB and like ...20 GBs are takin up by vista saving things i can't delete without permission.
I dunno, its weird.
Sorry I'm so boring today. Lemme think of something a little more interesting.
My work fired someone off the midnight shifts and they asked me to take over them 11-7this week. I only agreed to 1 for thursday and friday, so hopefully it wont be too horrible. Im just worried theyll ask me to keep doing it next week, then the week after. I think I made it clear only this week though. I hated midnights, I don't even get paid extra by the hour like I should.
That girl I liked, I don't know whats up with her, we stopped talking and aren't hanging out. It was unfortunate, I liked her. =(
|new computer, im so happy =D|
The girl who played dorothy was addicted to heroin i think.
Or some drug.
Sometimes I wish I understood myself better.
Should I feel pathetic for spending a good hour or two I was tired and wanting to sleep playing solitaire and only winning about 2 hands?
Either way, sleep doesn't mean shit.
Theres this girl I've met, she's wonderful. I wont name names and it is probably too early to tell anything anyway. Who knows, maybe she'll read my blog some day and this'll freak her out and she'll run. Anxiety makes me anxious.
Anyway, I'm getting to know her well and things are going great.
Work sucks. We had this "Always Fresh" check which each shift gets and it determines whether people who've worked there 3 months+ get a nice little extra chunk of cash on their next paycheck. As it turns out, my shift is the reason they failed it. Not that I care, I haven't worked there long enough to see any decent money. But I'm sure, with how dramatic my store is, there will be a lot of hate towards my "afternoon team" I dunno, work sucks and I'm glad I'm not in any way attached to it.
I just love money.
Theres this beautiful cat I want to adopt. He's white and deaf. I fell in love with the little guy and he doesn't have a home =( my roommate says he doesn't want another cat in the apartment because there isn't space. As well, my current bundle of love, Spectre, is too much of a handful for him.
For those who don't know.
I feed her.
I clean her litter.
I entertain her.
I pay her vet bills when necessary.
She doesn't even enter his room.
Apparently she gets in the way though, totally invades his life. Whatever to be honest. Meh I'm getting an email from the owner sometime tomorrow saying whether or not he's still in need of a home. Might take him anyway ...
Since when do cats take up space? ..
Its been a while. I got a new phone. Its got a camera and everything. And an 8GB iPod nano, which I'm more than thrilled about. Had it for a while, but got it after I last posted.
Sorry for my neglect. Work has been taking me over lately.
DMC4 is great by the way.
I'll try and be more consistant.
I might get a puppy
I finally got a new cellphone with a real plan. Though I have a three year contract, contracts always make me nervous but I'm sure it'll be cool.
Got a new iPod. 8 GBs, I love it.
If you can't tell, I had an excellent day out shopping on Friday. Got my phone, ipod and 3 awesome DVDs. Se7en, Pulp Fiction and A Clockwork Orange. Been waiting for a chance me and my two roommates are all off work, thats rare. But I wanna watch them with ..them~
Nothing much else to say. Works been crappy, and I've been going way too much. Today though, I do get to start my work week with the new girl and I like her a lot. She drives me to and from work which is nice, she lives like two feet down the street.
Been playing a lot of FF12 with my time off. Its such a crappy game but i wanna beat it before FF13 comes out in, I think March.
Devil May Cry 4 ...is going to be comparable with sex I think. But ...I'm a dork.
Anywho, gotta get ready for work.
Is it just me, or did January not even exist? I can't believe how fast this month went for me. Was probably because I never got much accomplished.
I had so much trouble sleeping last night. I'm going on 4 hours at the moment and I have work tonight. My roommate left for work an hour ago and I love his bed, I'll probably try to nap in that after this entry.
They hired someone new at my work for afternoons. I'm very glad she's going to be working with me. I need more people around me who have a sense of humor, patience, and respect. For some reason, I don't see that much at my work. My roommates also considering switching to my shift, which would be awesome.
I wanna write a lot this entry, but I really don't have much to say. I hate being on the computer lately, I've been way depressed and unmotivated to get out and do anything. I've finally got plans to go somewhere tomorrow, since I have the same day off as my best friend, for once. Maybe I'll have something interesting to write then.
I don't wanna work tonight either. Goin on 6 days straight. I feel bad, my roommates scheduled for 9 days straight, though he'll probably get out of it.
Not much going on with me lately. Been playing a lot of Halo 3. I'm such an exciting person, no? eh when you only have mornings to enjoy yourself, you don't have a lot of time to be creative.
thus begins the work week from hell. 3-11 pm ..5 days straight. Its money, so i took it ...but afternoons. I dont know.
My roommates are going to a movie tonight, I have to work.