Returning
Date: Mar 15th, 2009 8:54:31 am - Subscribe
Mood: glorious
Hello Aeonity World,
I stepped aside from here for a while because of the way I was using this blog, who was privileged to the information within it, and the way I felt about it considering the timeline of baggage that it dragged behind it.
I can't say for sure that there will be a definite return to this forum for my thoughts, fears and writing. But something must happen soon. Because I've got to approach the old suitcase, and I'm either going to unbuckle the clasps and sift through the memories for keepers, or I'm going to have to give it up entirely.
We'll see what happens shall we?
Tron
Comments: (1)
season's greetings
Date: Dec 26th, 2008 11:26:11 am - Subscribe
Mood: moodless
hope you're all well.
the worst thing i have to complain about is too much ham, so its not too bad here.
take care all
tron
Comments: (2)
just chronicling.
Date: Sep 25th, 2008 12:33:07 pm - Subscribe
Mood: electrified
I had the mother in law of all anxiety attacks last night. there were visions and uncontrollable crying. There was feeling 'lost' and small.
I was engulfed by a wave that I didn't see or hear coming. Then suddenly I was under. Afraid. Lost .
There was nothing I could do, except wait.
Comments: (0)
as cold as
Date: Sep 18th, 2008 1:26:41 pm - Subscribe
Mood: bitter sweet
Unsent letter
-MGF
I try to talk to you
And can't get past the weather
The friend I thought I knew
Found somethin' somewhere better
So I'm hangin' on your line
Thought we could speak together
Don't know what it is with you
You seem gone forever
I'm spending all my time
Driving 'round, faking clever
With a girl who seem alright
And another one who's better
I don't know if I lied
When I said we're not together
But I tried to talk to you
And somehow you seem gone...
I know what could've been
Try not to think about it
Found it hard to live with this
Longed to live without it
My dreams have caught me out
I find myself surrounded
By the odds of our own ends
Enough said about it
I'm spending all my time
Driving 'round, faking clever
With a girl who seem alright
And another one who's better
I don't know if I lied
When I said we're not together
But I tried to talk to you
And somehow you seem gone...
I've given up some things
I guess that doesn't matter
Started other things
I guess that doesn't matter
I finally wrote your song
Another unsent letter
In a pile addressed to you
Care of something somewhere better
I'm spending all my time
Driving 'round, faking clever
With a girl who seem alright
And another one who's better
I don't know if I lied
When I said we're not together
But I tried to talk to you
And somehow you seem gone...
I'm spending all my time
Driving 'round, faking clever
With a girl who seem alright
And another one who's better
I don't know if I lied
When I said that I'm together
But I tried to talk to you
And somehow you seem gone forever
Yeah, I tried to talk to you
And somehow you seem gone forever
Yeah, I tried to talk to you
Somehow you seem gone...
If you know, then you'll see the irony of what was and what is.
I'm crying tonight because I've lost two... two because I wasn't able to make the right decisions.
The internet swallowed my post. So maybe you're not meant to know...
There's nothing I wouldn't do for either of them...
So I wish I were as cold as a cast iron cunt.
Comments: (0)
contextual inconsistency
Date: Sep 7th, 2008 11:31:27 am - Subscribe
Mood: subdued
I've been thinking about context... and how it can really make or break a set of circumstances. you know, that thing that seems so tragic in one light could actually be uplifting in another. Case in point: I am terribly behind at uni... what might seem a disaster, in another context, could be an uplifting point because it would reveal the imperfections in a somewhat perfect appearing character and hence make that character able to be related to in a more 'real way'.
So, to make this all make sense, if I were Rory from the Gilmore girls it would be a charming plot twist, to reveal my age sensitive innocence, when it were revealed that I am behind with work.
But my circumstance is that I am just behind in a 'reality' that gives no shits for the struggling student who desperately just needs to get out and start doing her 'job' of choice without all the fucking hoop jumping!
In other news, I think I may be making my hair confused. I have been picking shampoo based on smell rather than label. I'm using a normal/clarifying shampoo and a moisturising conditioner. There's ya fluff people. Is it as cute coming from me?
Bah, there could be more on this subject, but i think i would be repeating myself.
Listen to feist.
Tron
Comments: (0)
put something spiney in your most sensitive hole!
Date: Sep 5th, 2008 8:13:02 am - Subscribe
Mood: pissed off
How would I describe my day? What metaphor could possibly encapsulate the decadent awfulness of today? Could the be such literary anomalies? Let me attempt anyway to paint you a picture, with faeces on the wall...
It is raining here, turning the ground into a slush which resembles a mucous more than mud. I saw a duck go tits up, it is no lie.
My car died today. Its not my car, but it IS my primary mode of transport. four thousand plus dollars and two weeks to get it back on the road. Money I do not have. Money we do not have. It is spewing a fine mist of coolant out of its arsehole, the result of a dead head gasket. In short, new engine.
So in light of this, I've been offered a dream job. I can teach art to semi-intoxicated women via the process of studying hot naked men. What could be better. Lets get a little feminist equality happening here. BUT...
I've been offered a trial waitressing. Nice place, but its just the same old shit. I don't really want to take the work, but the money might be better. The 'right choice' is to take the trial. To do the shitty work for more money. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
And because the car is dead, I'll miss both the Fathers Day dinner with my family tonight and the Havelocks gig I've been dying to get to....
Did I mention I have to pull 4.5K out of my arse? I don't make that in a MONTH!
this is rooted. so very very rooted.
If you don't mind I'm going to feel sorry for myself...
OH and PS Dave you're a fucking CUNT because you're full of shit and you're a two faced arsehole! There I said it. Sure, I think Disturbed is GAY but if you make a big deal about me not going because its going to be a 'boys night' and you're glad to get time with Tim, don't invite other chicks, or it just looks like you don't want me there you anal fissure.
Fuck you.
--tron
Comments: (0)
it might be alive, get a mirror
Date: Sep 4th, 2008 8:19:10 am - Subscribe
Mood: limp
Its been a long time since I've written anything. This was brought to my attention by someone I haven't seen in a long time. It was nice to catch up. Don't get too big a head about your mention.
I'm ok. I just haven't felt like writing here for a while. I haven't had anything to say. Things have either been going well enough to distract me from the blog, or have been going badly enough that I didn't want to spread that kind of thing around. But here I am with another post, from my rather quiet life.
I'm waiting to hear back from a job interview yesterday. Its for teaching art. I think the interview went well. So, its just a matter of time to see how I really did with it all. I'd love to teach life drawing to groups of women. It would be excellent.
If I don't hear back from them, I start a trial with a restaurant locally next wednesday. I don't really want to work there, but I really would like to have more money again. I want to buy a coffee machine! (and be able to afford to pay bills...)
I'm very tired at the moment, and not very motivated. Its a 'time of year' thing. I'm trying my best to doggy paddle to some kind of land, but the waves of my uncontrolable emotions are washing over me and sending me back into myself again. I think I need to withdraw from certain situations. I'm sorry, I'm not ready. Just not. Its too hard for all concerned, and for what? Things get further under my skin than they do those around me anyway, I'm sure of it.
Shopping tomorrow for a dress to wear to a wedding. I'm MCing a friend's wedding. They must be silly putting me in that position... I'll have to write speeches its high school all over again.
I'm painting more. Its for uni, and its good to be doing it. I'm caring more about this stuff. But I have to go. next week I have a lot to do and I need to go away and get some of the work that I have been putting off done. curse my shithouse study habits.
I'll see you all... never.
Tron
Comments: (1)
it appears... and then leaves
Date: Aug 18th, 2008 12:01:04 am - Subscribe
Mood: destructive
I miss a web comic that I used to read called "Romulus and Remus" but it seems to have been swallowed whole and digested, bones and all, by the unforgiving internet. Why cruel world?
So I haven't been around much. I had a birthday recently. Thank you, 24. It wasn't an easy birthday for a number of reasons. None of which I feel tempted to divulge here, or this might get to be a 'personal' entry and you would have nothing. Be grateful.
I'm starting to read around, oh yeah you know it, and I think its time my rants became a little more cohesive, a lot longer, and definitely more linked to the shared human experience. So I'm putting my mood to 'destructive' hurrah.
See you next time.
Comments: (1)
el strangeo to the day
Date: Jul 28th, 2008 11:20:22 am - Subscribe
Mood: argumentative
Today has been a strange day.
A strange week.
A continuing, developing, misanthropic sense of self. Another dialogue with no one. More strange dreams. More events. More work. Wonderings. Present de-aspirations. Apathy/Contentment. Illness creeping up... flu kind not anything else.
University ever onward. Weariness. Excitement. Something to care about. Hiatus. Industry. Caution. En Guarde.
Begin again...
ad infinitum.
Comments: (0)
going to the city
Date: Jul 2nd, 2008 3:52:01 am - Subscribe
Mood: fragile
When I go to the city
Its to purge the smell of eucalypts and wood smoke
From my memory and replace it
With grit, dirt and something else…
I need to remember why I’m not here.
When I go to the city, I need to smell
The bad breath coming from the trams
The stink of rage
The apathy that leaks from every pore of
The crush around me,
I need to smell vicinity.
I need to smell urine
And shit
And booze
And stress
And overuse
And waste
And forgetting
And losing
And wishing
And hoping…
I need to smell dreams being born
And death.
When I go to the city, I forget the exhilarating
Permanent marker smell
Of fast car petrol
And late night binging.
I need to forget my own smell lingering
Amongst the people I brush against
When I’m out of my mind.
When I enter the city
When the city enters me
I need to block out its pheromones
And not fall in love.
Comments: (0)
other people's kids.
Date: Jul 1st, 2008 11:20:15 pm - Subscribe
Mood: torn
thank you for bringing your precious bundle of joy to my house. I should have expected this when I invited you for dinner.
Wow. They scream that much. Honey, see we don't want kids any time soon. What? This is good. Thats excellent. Honey we really do not want kids any time soon.
Ok, lets have dinner. Where do you put him? I don't know. I don't have anywhere. Ok just on the couch. (mind he doesn't spew on my blue couch... white baby chuck doesn't come out so easily). Smile.
Oh aren't you cute. He did a shit that big huh? Ah, thats what the noise is. You want attention. Adult conversation anyone? Yes, he is cute. Yes you are tired. No, not much to say? Ok.
You don't want to catch a movie or something? No worries. I understand. You have to get the little angel back to bed (seriously). And I'll see you again soon. Maybe we could go out on the bikes, start looking around for a sitter. Drive safe. See you later.
I need a drink.
Comments: (0)
Crunchy...
Date: Jun 15th, 2008 1:42:40 am - Subscribe
Mood: dour
I'm not okay with no motivation. I can't work in the 'artistic' headspace any more. I need motivation.
There is some, I'm sure, stored somewhere in a box clearly marked 'get off your arse' but I seem to have lost the key to that box and I can't get into it. Staring at it isn't getting anything done.
AGH... Time to go... to try and not make the same pattern of mistakes.
Tron
Comments: (2)
I'm as synthetic as my wash cycle.
Date: Jun 14th, 2008 8:30:36 am - Subscribe
Mood: undecided
I click the dial on the washing machine to synthetics. Its a shorter cycle, save the planet. I feel synthetic myself tonight. I feel thoroughly unmotivated. I see posts on here about new things, and here, at the end of semester, I'm finishing something when other people are starting. Its startlingly incongruous.
I'd like to feel like I were headed somewhere. Like I were motivated toward a goal. But I'm not. And surprisingly, despite this empty feeling and a longing to 'get up and go somewhere every day' I'm not too worried by the whole experience.
On the whole, I find demotivation the usual place to be when the air turns cold. Something else opens up inside my head and creative wheels start to turn. I'm like a deciduous tree to look at, stark, gaunt, completely still... not doing anything and surrounded by the rotting decay of my own leaves. But inside, I'm not dead. I'm just sleeping, and thinking. I could be like this forever. I could be content with this...
if only I could quell that desire to get up and go somewhere every day.
I wish there was a vaccination that could prevent this sometimes. I wish there were some kind of 'dilligence' drug that made you want to do things (I think there might be one, I think its called 'speed')... But then again, is it better to be in this natural state of stagnance, to take stock of all that is not happening?
I have no answers.
Comments: (0)
walking out is harder to do than you think.
Date: Jun 12th, 2008 12:16:23 pm - Subscribe
Mood: neurotic
Why is it that a person can feel completely fine until they walk into a therapist's office. I challenge you to find me someone who won't consider themselves a little mad after subjection to the intensity associated with the medicinal confessional that is my therapists offices...
Today I felt fine, balanced. Unmotivated, definitely but still, fine enough in my life. But step into that office, and I am again disintegrated into the ball of raw sinew and fuckery that I have come to associate with these sessions.
I left early.
I hated myself for the lack of commitment.
I am successfully conditioned to deteriorate in small rooms with high ceilings and yellow walls... my god-- the walls in my house are ALL YELLOW... (not my choice).
So here I am feeling totally shit about the whole experience, and assured by the many voices of judgement within me that not one soul will give a shit. Good on you if you do.
Its a wonderful place inside my head. I think I'll go to sleep.
night world.
Tron
Comments: (1)
turning the car around and going HOME!
Date: Jun 2nd, 2008 9:40:00 am - Subscribe
Mood: Happy
I am free. Free in my own mind. Whirling, swirling, twirling in happiness. Light as air, too far from the ground with relief.
Soon, all this shall be over. I am returning to my first love: The english language.
I don't mean to discriminate and exclude the many other beautiful languages out there, this is, simply, the only language that I have... I am returning HOME, to myself.
I am changing paths, a little, again to become more myself.
My life is a stone and I am carving myself out of it pebble by pebble. I am closer to my dream. I have accepted fate. I like it. I love it... I have gained all I need here, and am ready to move on.
I made this decision today, and it made the world make sense. I am becoming again, what I always was deep down. THANK FUCK!
Perhaps, just maybe, (the bald man had no hair), this therapy caper is working. I can see the self satisfaction seeping out of my therapist when I make progress, but I refuse to get into that... not now. I can't corrode this.
Comments: (0)
all hail the shiny
Date: May 31st, 2008 12:02:42 pm - Subscribe
Mood: spectacular
When did dressing like a slut get glamorous? There's a few questions on my mind that I'd like the general public, or society as a whole to answer for me. This is the first of them.
If you put on something skimpy from an op-shop or something that's hand me down no matter how good condition its in, you're trashy. If you buy the same kind of thing new, and cover it in diamonties than your classy? Well maybe its not that simple. You do have to slick your hair down and make sure you're clean, and there's a certain implied elegance in 'class' but essentially, you're either all hanging out there, or 'creating the illusion' of all hanging out there, and realistically isn't that one of the trashiest things you can do?
Firstly, that last sentence was far too long. Secondly, its wrong to judge, out loud. People don't like to feel like they're being judged, but we all do it. We rely on the external appearances of others to make those split second judgements about how much value they might be to us. We are, after all, social capitalists. We all are, regardless of your economic viewpoint. But this is beyond my original point.
My point was about class, and the seeming lack of it when all your body parts are on display. I sometimes think that animals have it much easier when it comes to appearance, but whatever, that's another post.
So back to class. I guess its all about the presentation of a message. See, to me, looking beautiful without the perfect body, without the mint of money, that's something. Its easy to 'scrub up nice' if you never get dirty. For me, I like those hard won battles. And I don't like diamonties. There's something a little bit trivial about overtly worshipping those 'shiny things'.
I guess what I'm trying to say amongst this very tired prattle, is that its the messages that are hard won that count. Its the person who took the effort to say what they wanted without compromising that impresses me.
Anything can live up to this high ideal of mine: art, music, dance, drama, literature, conversation... taking the time to get the message out there without using cheap tricks will always seem more classy, elegant, sophisticated to me than all the diamonties, or even diamonds real or metaphorical you can dish up...
Tron
Comments: (0)
break my heart again, for old times sake.
Date: May 22nd, 2008 11:17:44 am - Subscribe
Mood: wonderful
Every time I sit down to write something here I come up against a wall. It is made of reasons not to write, reasons to just walk away from this...
the foundation is a loyalty to paper, and a fear of readers. Its a judgement avoidance. It is cemented to the next layer by a conviction that I have nothing to say. The next layer is the certainty that the whole exercise is futile... wasteful of so many things... time, energy, thoughts, little pieces of myself so optimistically cast into the world and lost in the swamp of other people's needs... need to be recognised, need to be loved.
the wall builds itself up higher and higher with layers of failed attempts... and is decorated by my own self scorn and my distaste for the process.
The wall protects me from you all... and traps me within myself.
there is so much to say. and no reason at all to say it to anyone. I am utterly convinced that no one is listening. I am utterly convinced that the exercise of opening up to others does little more than push them away further from me in the times when I need them the most.
I am tired of listening.
I am tired of not listening.
I am afraid of not hearing
I am terrified of not being heard.
There came a point when, without the structured inescapable environments to pressured people closer and closer through their shared captivity, I realised that I had lost the capacity to connect in meaningful ways to those around me.
I am ready again to trust someone, completely, but how do I find that someone? How do I reach out and find someone who would not see me as a burden? I need that person with the right mix of empathy and understanding, interest and forgiveness, similar experiences, and self resolve... the right person... someone to be very close to and share with. I am ready for a new friendship. I am ready to nourish and be nourished... but I am behind so many walls.
How do you reach out to people?
This seems like a first step.
Comments: (2)
change of scene
Date: Apr 17th, 2008 10:35:40 am - Subscribe
Mood: chaotic
paper is working well for me.
begun therapy.
don't worry if you don't hear too much, i'm just very busy, very tired, and paper works better.
tron
Comments: (1)
whine whine whine
Date: Apr 12th, 2008 7:53:36 am - Subscribe
Mood: salty
So I've had a pretty shit run of late. There's been some huge fucking nightmare at the school I was working at for practicum (first prac out mind you) where I was handed from teacher to teacher and in the end without following proper procedure they tried to fail me. The school... well I'm just not happy.
Yet we live and we learn. I had such a miserable time this prac that I can't imagine myself doing this job anymore. Everyone around me is either sick of hearing me whine or they think that its better for me not to talk about it. Either way I feel like arse.
It strikes me that my entire personality might be wrong for this profession. Its not the teaching kids I can't handle, its the colleagues. I'm sure there are nicer teachers out there, but really, if there are more like this, I certainly don't want to run into them.
To compound things, my holiday to Melbourne is off. Kaput. And this is final. There was no way *** could get the time off work, so we can't go. And frankly, we really need some time to ourselves asap. We've barely seen each other for two weeks or more. Our schedules keep us apart. I know I'm pretty much a wreck, and I'm sure he's pretty rooted too when it comes to mental fatigue. Time away just the two of us would be really nice.
So apparently, there will be another holiday in a couple of months. And right now I just see that as another opportunity for disappointment. I'm feeling pretty negative.
So at the moment, I've got to finish assignments, while living in limbo because someone decided I'm not good enough. I refuse to accept that. I cannot concede that I was so terrible that I might deserve to fail!!!
I'm just fucking sick of everything at the moment. No Holiday, no certainty about my degree. I feel like I may as well pack it all in now. I can't see my personality changing and I'm not a people person. I'm not mentally drawn/ interest drawn to the jobs/professions that allow you to work without other people around me.
I just want to go and do something else, and soon.
Fuck it all.
Tron
Comments: (0)
my kingdom for a font!
Date: Apr 2nd, 2008 11:40:13 am - Subscribe
Mood: drowsy
something in the real to share: today was better than yesterday which was better than the day before.
So its getting ever closer to the time when my eyelids will win the battle with coffee and demand some down time. It’s the end of another long day. Its seriously full on. Prac that is. For those not familiar with the routine, I’m training/studying to be a teacher so I get plopped onto someone else’s class, right at the end of the school term, to watch and teach lessons which have no continuity within the teaching and learning of the students.
I get to watch with amazed horror the difference between classroom practice and all the theories they bang on about in the hallowed halls of the university. I spend some time learning the few things that it will take the uni two or more years to integrate into my life (or so they think) and then I walk away disappointed that my taxes will pay people in the future to do more of this shitty teaching.
I’m up to my fucking ears in a world of “do as we say not as we do” and “don’t do that, do what I do!” and “don’t do what he does, he’s a moron” politics and policies that don’t really get implemented and a supervising teacher that doesn’t really know much more about what’s going on than I do. Or, rather, knows exactly what’s going on and prepares much the same way I do.
Its my main rant for the moment.
Life cruises on in my happy, control freak environment. I take charge and things get done. I believe in the power of myself to do things and hang everyone else. No that’s a lie. I’m not that jaded yet. You might say I’m exhibiting some kind of zen balance, despite the long LONG days and the hours of prep and resource work.
I can’t wait to sleep in on the weekend. So help the sparrow that farts before I wake up.
So life cruises, and posts are few and far between. Reflection. Reflection is the key to improvement. I can see that the eyelids are starting to get the brain onside in the aforementioned battle… fuck. Well it might be a good place to stop.
A foundation script free font, I’d give my kingdom for it. That and some realism in uni.
G’night all.
Tron
Comments: (0)
late night ramblings.
Date: Mar 2nd, 2008 12:21:40 pm - Subscribe
Mood: disappointed with myself, but stubborn.
Several times I've thought I had something important, relevant, cross contextually mesmerising to say. Only, then I make the mistake of becoming so distracted I forget what it is that the world so desperately needs to hear and so conclude that it wasn't very important to begin with.
But now I'm so overwhelmingly full of words that some must dribble over the lip of my brain through my fingers via running nerve impulses and land inevitably here in this great opus of mine.
An opus, admittedly, of long sentences.
But to hell with efficient word use tonight.
The pressure in my head is already starting to dim and fade. I'm becoming aware of a coldness on my face where my breath hits my top lip after exiting my nose. Suddenly there's more around me than the imperative to spill.
Is it the slow steady rush of my breath?
Is it an inescapable fatigue in my body that is bringing the mental rush to its night time hiatus?
It is certainly going to be a combination of these things. But I can't sleep yet. There is more to be done!
There is more tidying, and more preparing, more reading. I have not been nearly as efficient and productive over the last few days as I would like, and I'm not going to let this ethic slide. And this resolve is despite the little niggles that creep into my brain telling me that the task at hand is too big. Quit now, save yourself some disappointment. Save yourself wasted effort. Isn't that after all the most efficient choice you can make.
I can't wait for therapy to start
I need therapy to start
Is there time for therapy in my schedule?
What if they have forgotten me?
What if they haven't forgotten me...
Am I really better enough to go it alone?
This isn't the time for these kind of questions of self. Its just a late night tired rambling to get the monkeys off my back...
I adore Tom Waits.
I need a cigarette more than i need both legs...
"I like my town with a little drop of poison"
me too tom, me too.
Comments: (1)
misanthropy 1o1
Date: Feb 10th, 2008 4:31:25 am - Subscribe
Mood: explosive
Everyone is fake. Or disappointing. Or both.
Yesterday I realised that my friends are useless. But they like to think that they are better than they are.
I'm not sure what to do.
You know how friends say that no matter what, when you need them they'll be there? Well when that moment turns up and they don't come... even if you don't want them, but they should be there... when that moment comes...
My moment happened last year. And no one turned up. And until now, I didn't care. I'm tired. Tired of even giving one shit about people. I've got a torch, and I'm taking long hard look at some bridges.
My friends like to think they are potential heroes. They like to think that they are good friends. But they aren't. They make their own lives busy, messy places. Some have genuine reasons... but others don't. Or at least, some have reasons that I can see working for them in their own minds to justify themselves.
Am I reading more into people than there is to see? Am I foolish for thinking that they can be more than what they are. Surely one ounce of intelligence and a little fucking sense will prevail.
I'm fucking furious.
I'm hurt.
I feel stupid for not realising this sooner.
Not all people are wastes of time. Not all people value form over function in every aspect of their lives. OK. Rant over. There is fucking hope.
And really... it is the ultimate stupidity to let someone so stupid, shallow, artificial and deluded colour my whole existence. I'll just have to be a lot more cynical and put the loyalty of 10 years of shit with other people behind me.
Time does not excuse.
Comments: (5)
i may know the word...
Date: Feb 4th, 2008 11:24:26 am - Subscribe
Mood: stormy
Today I read an old letter from a lot of years ago, just for me from someone who used to be very important to me. I can't throw it away just like I can't throw the old pictures away. Not yet. Maybe because there is something that I need to remember that's hidden in them.
There is an uncompromising beauty in the letter. There is a hard, undeniable truth unveiled and expressed with care and warmth. I miss that. This is truly something that I have given up in favour of other things. Something that I thought I could live without, but now I wonder.
I realised something about myself tonight. Something that I had forgotten. Something about who I am and what I really value in a relationship. Some kind of honesty and integrity and intelligence that goes beyond daily living. Somehow before things were more about the ephemeral beauty of sharing life together. Maybe that's why I was so angry before. Knowing that I had lost my chance to share that with anyone, because he had been so beautifully moulded to my needs.
But can you ever truly mould someone to your needs and is it ridiculous to expect everything to be on the table. As I grow older I realise that there is more to be appreciated in the adult world in the things that go unspoken. The bonds that are shared in a single hand held moment. The love exchanged in a brief moment.
But.
There is always a but. Is there anyone out there who would truly love to be in a space of complete openness with someone? Is there anyone out there that begs to be explored like that... who wants that physical, mental undying connection... who desires above all else the truth and the openness and the articulation of love, passion and expression??
Or was that one moment of love's enlightenment, shut off now to me forever...
Or am I just blind to the feeling because I'm so incapable with my own feelings now.?
Song for the moment:
Natalie Merchant: I may know the wold from "Tigerlily"
But not say it
I may know the truth
But not face it
I may hear a sound
A whisper sacred and profound
But turn my head
Indifferent
I may know the word
But not say it
I may love the fruit
But not taste it
I may know the way
To comfort and to soothe
A worried face
But fold my hands
Indifferent
If i'm on my knees
I'm begging now
If i'm on my knees
Groping in the dark
I'd be paying for deliverance
From the night into day
But it's all grey here
It's all grey to me
I may know the word
But not say it
This may be the time
But i might waste it
This may be the hour
Something move me
Someone prove me wrong
Before the night comes
With indifference
If i'm on my knees
I'm begging now
If i'm on my knees
Groping in the dark
I'd be praying for deliverance
From the night into the day
But it's all grey here
But it's all grey to me
I recognize the walls inside me
I recognize them all
I've paced between them
Chasing demons down
Until they fall
In fitful sleep
Enough to keep their strength
Enough to crawl
Into my head
With tangled threads
They riddle me to solve
Again and again and again
fuck what I would not give for a cigarette right now... for something to still myself... to make this fade... to slow and pacify within myself.
Comments: (0)
a place for everything... and everything in its place.
Date: Jan 31st, 2008 11:29:35 am - Subscribe
Mood: smooth
it becomes more and more apparent to me that I'm not the person that I once was. A hard thing to reconcile in a town where you've been busy growing up, where the shadows of years or months ago follow you around.
So much has happened in the last 12 months. And although I am happy about the new found stability, I do think that there are things about my new life which leave a hole in myself. Such is the nature of compromise. I hope that more than anything else I am able to remember the yearning that exists within myself and never forget to be tolerant.
Life becomes more and more about control. Control of self, control of life, control of everything else. Life becomes more and more about stability and mental asceticism. Learning to control things, and release them at exquisite moments of truth, learning the true value of things through their denial, and squashing my square shaped self into the circle of normal. Taking off the edges. Without medication, without fear, without anything.
The freedom of not being needed, of not needing anything... is indescribable. It is simultaneously terrifying and elating.
The freedom to grow is scary... who will I become, and ill I ever stop? I'm not sleeping with the past any more. Somehow this abstinence makes life better too. Appreciation for taming the wild beast. I don't feel as though I'm pushing at the edges any more. I feel like I'm nicely contained. Compartmentalised. A place for everything and everything in its place.
Put me in the box. I've got nothing to prove. I know that at the end of the day, I'm not what you think I am. And as long as I remember that I can stand for you to think that I'm whatever you need or want me to be.
Comments: (1)
some recent observations
Date: Jan 24th, 2008 8:44:00 am - Subscribe
Mood: tenacious
its pretty easy, i think, to approach a 'new baby' with the same kind of excessive fervour reserved for stationary-philes on the first day back at school.
I remember feeling like i had to have everything all ready for the first day... success depended on it... but realistically, I didn't even need that calculator till the next year, I wasn't going to really use all of those pencils... and how many pens does a person need anyway.
On top of this is the convenience of knowing that there will always be a tomorrow and what I didn't have, I could usually do without and what I needed I could always get.
I suppose some people might feel like they need the whole circus before the baby is born, but really, how much do you think that little blob is going to use in the first couple of months anyway? Why spend all that time and money collecting things that you might not need at the end of the day anyway.
It seem silly to me. Can't you wait?
Perhaps its part of the newness of it all... perhaps its a reassuring 'feeling prepared'... maybe you're never really prepared for everything. And perhaps at the end of the day, some people might compensate for their age and lack of experience with 'things'.
I don't know. Its just a really recent thing that has come to my attention... and now its come to yours.
Comments: (1)
i want a divorce
Date: Jan 18th, 2008 2:26:15 pm - Subscribe
Mood: regretful
... from my family.
I realised tonight, that despite numerous second chances and plenty of patience from me, there's not a whole lot in my 24 years that can redeem most of my family.
And the family members I do value, I've been really neglectful of.
I feel like total arse.
Comments: (2)
arsehole 1010
Date: Jan 17th, 2008 12:57:06 pm - Subscribe
Mood: mad
something in the real to share: 'better version of me' fiona apple
I'm starting to really get the idea that I'm pushing proverbial shit up a very large proverbial hill. And while I'm trying not to get my bitch on, repeated bullshit like this will result in conflict... mark my words.
While I'm trying not to play the bitter bitch, and somehow see through all this to some kind of goodness in you, rather than just seeing the same transparent plays I used to get from her. The irony could be your favourite food... so fucking delicious... you're never going to be you are you? You're just going to be some twisted mirror of the latest fuck you've managed to charm with your strange combination of intelligence and clueless...
Well I'm not going to be treated like last weeks cum rag. Not by you. So either man up and fucking deal with shit the way it is, accept the olive branch, stop being a drama queen and make something real of what is here in front of you, or slink away with your apologies and publicly fucking make a statement that you're the fucking arsehole you look like being right now.
Comments: (0)
shaddows.
Date: Jan 7th, 2008 12:08:32 am - Subscribe
Mood: sketchy
i wonder if its possible that through the miracle of the internet and some kind of freaky fucking fluctuation in space and time, our younger selves are here blogging along side us. I know i read them sometimes... and its not nearly as disturbing as you think.
I think when something stops making you feel uncomfortable then you know you've gotten past it permanently.
Comments: (1)
untangling
Date: Jan 5th, 2008 12:14:26 pm - Subscribe
Mood: withdrawn
Hey blog world. This is a random rantage... so use your seatbelt... and remember that if its not on, its not on.
I'm floundering again. Rising out of the mire with my grand life plan, scrawled out on a piece of paper thats been made to look old with coffee and burnt around the edges for effect. Relics are priceless... only its not real. its not a relic. Its a fake.
And I'm losing confidence. What is buried at the X? What the hell is that spot marking? Is it really a treasure? Domestic bliss my arsehole. I've got a revelation for you blog world, I am NOT a domestic goddess. There I said it. I'm more sylvia plath than martha stewart.
I found an old picture of me today... 15 kg lighter. Somehow, I feel like I was better off before. Sometimes I want to just sit down with her and have her hear me... You've got a man who saw me go through an eating disorder and said nothing. Who watched as I fell apart and instead of helping pick up the pieces ran away with you. Do you really think that he won't do that again? There's something about seeing into the blackness of other people's souls... you never really shut that door again... and you might know how light he can be... but I remember the black. That never dies.
But that was only sparked by the picture. Actually I looked extraordinary! I looked great. I wasn't mundane. I was free. Now I'm trapped by fat. I'm going to get the hell out of this cage if it kills me!
I spoke with mine about kids a couple of times lately. I waiver between wanting them... soon... and wanting them never. I don't know. Until promises are really made, I'll never feel secure. I don't place enough stock even then to feel 100% safe... never...
Am I writing in riddles? And half formed sentences...
What I'd give to have you back from europe... I wish I'd been single when we met. Not so that we could hook up... god that would have been a mistake, but that I could have spent more time with you and gotten to know you better without fear of retribution and shame... without the stigma of deceit.
I wish that i felt like there was someone out there who was listening to the story and actually cared. As I get older I realise that we're all simultaneous narratives, and very rarely do we actually care what other people around us are saying, its just luck and good fortune when we find someone who's story we actually want to read. Its exceptional luck when they want to listen back... God... I need people who will listen, who will know, who will care... I need a group again. I need stupid sit coms NOT to have lied to me and there to be some kind of real bond between women and men beyond sex... somewhere to be free...
Maybe my older brother is awake...
Comments: (2)
numbers and monogamy
Date: Dec 13th, 2007 12:51:47 pm - Subscribe
Mood: indescribable
I've been thinking a lot about two things. The first is pretty common enough a thought. Its about people. The second, if you humour me, is rather random and its about numbers.
In regards to people it seems as though two people are not meant to spend their whole lives together, and that monogamy goes against the human success story. Hear me out. Most people get to a stage in their lives where familiarity has bread contempt. And this is another matter in unto itself. But in a human life span, who that person is, what they like and especially what they need are fluid concepts. So, its quite possible that the younger you find someone the more likely you are that you will break up. That is unless of course, you grow and change together. This is very unlikely.
If we consider our life span, the things we like change. Are you the same person you were when you didn't like the things you like now? What defines you? And is the biggest killer to a relationship a lack of change. Because if we take this premise and accept that we are morphing all the time into something that we are not now and we accept that any person we think we are going to spend the rest of our lives with will also be morphing at the same time, then how likely is it that we are going to follow the same path?
And in a strictly evolutionary sense, what is the benefit of monogamy? What benefit do males of the species have from staying with one female (or male). Presumably if they can impregnate us then their job is done and they should go off and shag something or someone else. Realistically, women really in a truly hunt and gather sense need protection mostly from other men (and this is quite possibly the success of patriarchy).
I may have lost the plot, so with that admission, lets think about numbers...
Its amazing that we can use one small simple symbol, say a 6 to represent a word. I'm sure that the ancient people who used hieroglyphs had the same sense of pride in their written word. But think about it, Si'ix that's how we say it, we draw out the I and then we have a word, represented by one little un-decodable symbol. Its amazing. I was struck by this while watching utter crap on the television.
Sadly I really want to go to bed, it is late, 11:50pm. My other half still isn't home from work. Don't worry, i'm not as cynical about him. He's older than me by 8 years, and so finding each other is not so close to the beginnings of a life. There is less changing to be had. And we seem to change together... but as for familiarity breeding contempt? I'll get back to you on that one.
Take care all.
Tron
Comments: (2)
upswing
Date: Dec 11th, 2007 7:42:50 am - Subscribe
Mood: well
There's nothing like some premenstrual energy to get you going and cleaning your house... that and realising that your melancholy is partly to do with the stale attitudes of someone else and your reaction to them...
and when actions are taken to deal with the problem, then life continues sweetly.
Comments: (1)
necrosis of the mind...
Date: Dec 9th, 2007 1:05:18 pm - Subscribe
Mood: shattered
Today was not a good day... its safe to say that things are either wonderful or horrible if you don't hear from me, not that there are many ears to hear now.
I had no energy. I had no motivation. Today was the kind of day when I felt like the scum between humanity's toes... or rather, that nasty useless shit underneath that manky big toe nail.
One of these days I'll go to sleep and won't wake up... because I live the fuking fairy tale... and I'm still not happy.
Comments: (4)
the bee hive
Date: Dec 4th, 2007 12:02:07 pm - Subscribe
Mood: open, flowing, outreaching, musing, switched on
I tired to sit down and do some maths work today but stupidly had listened to eagles of death metal and found my brain buzzing with potential thoughts. I could not silence the whirr.
The music and the excitement and the imagination set off a chain of events that noone could stop. And I started to wonder again.
I was uncomfortable, at first, with what had been a rather plesant experience in the past… and wondered if this were the start of another upswing, but then images and metaphors and just plain imaginings started building and I found it a far better thing to dream and wonder than to risk dwelling in the hum drum world of reality for too long.
I started to wonder if you could teach a man to dance by shooting at his feet. Perhaps there would be something beautiful emerging there if you indulged and practiced the art for long enough. And this is how I came to wondering about you. Perhaps I wondered about you first and this was the result of those imaginings too. But either way this was the final destination of my thoughts.
Because I started to imagine how you would react to finding me in this rather excited state. I thought of course that you would be absolutely appauled, and that despite my best intentions to keep it a secret from you that you would immeadiately know that I was buzzing along and you would revile from me as you usually do when I am in these moods after a short obligatory period of course, where you try to settle me down.
You are afterall a good man.
And I wondered what things used to be like before we became so married to each other. And in that way I consider us married as in tied. Both unable to escape like two entwining vineries of a pea plant or a bean, which grasps and clings to grow and then ultimately succumbs to a much larger plant.
So I wondered
Would you be inspired by the way that I could talk to you now. Would I be interested in your replies and would it be a good thing for you to get out of your clumsy reality and take a tour of the world without your logic.
I have taken to escaping in movies, and left books for dead. They feel like too much work and I imagine people that don’t read very well would say the same thing… But I have not taken to leaving my musings behind… I’m sure I just momentarily forgot how. This is a return to madness.
Comments: (0)
a post a post
Date: Nov 25th, 2007 12:23:01 pm - Subscribe
Mood: troubled
Lately I have been in a slump and I'm wondering about myself and the laziness I've succumbed to.
I've tried to look for the source of this demotivation deciding that I do not enjoy the way I spend time and looking as though I am slowly but surely succumbing to a fat suit, poor health, worse hygiene (ok so its not quite that bad)...
Is there something about me? Is it something I can change. I'm going under. I'm failing but is it a mental health issue or is it laziness. I don't defiantly sit here not doing anything, but if you ask me how I spent my day I'll tell you honestly that I didn't do anything, that is if you're the right person.
I'm ashamed to live like this. I'm disgusted with myself and what I am becoming.
I know that attributional belief and a series of coping mechanisms might get me out of this, when I stop and think I know this...
I've just become limp.
I don't even have my own sense of twistedness anymore. I don't even have the scik way of looking at the world that made me feel like something more than a clone.
I dont' leave the house during the day.
I've gotten weird.
I don't know what to do with myself.
*big fat stupid sigh*
tron
Comments: (0)
holidays could not come fast enough
Date: Nov 1st, 2007 1:29:02 am - Subscribe
Mood: bright
A clean house is good for the soul and when procrastinating a clean house clears the mind too.
Its crunch time for my uni work. I have a lot to do today. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm feeling more positive lately. I'm trying to get my moods upbeat and get my life under control.
I had a couple of days with my other half to adjust, refuel, talk, just reconnect. We made good progress. I'm allowed to dream a little of the things that we have for the future.
I'm hoping that there will be more opportunities to express myself and my individualities over the holidays which are so close I can smell them. My god am I looking forward to holidays.
*sigh*
Comments: (0)
all aboard the sunken ship
Date: Oct 31st, 2007 1:57:19 am - Subscribe
Mood: impatient
There's a file in my email with a past history of you. There's a file in my mind too. I can't erase you so quickly, but you are determined to go-- driven by me, by my anger and mostly by my disappointment in you.
You claim to have atoned for your sins, but all I asked was decency and honesty. You couldn't give it. Now you run run run as fast as you can, looking down or not at all on those you have left behind.
Well, you have found your clique. Your niche. I never was good enough for you...
It is just such a shame that you couldn't say the words that made you into an honest man, that you couldn't own up to all parties concerned and tell the truth. I suppose it would have validated her too, to know that your love was strong enough to tear me apart.
I try not to think about you, but there is always the threat of running into you- will there be time to cross the street? Will you acknowledge me? What will come of this? Could we start again with a friendship?
Friendship is such an interesting word... friend ship= a ride. Something you embark on. I took ours for granted, and sometimes I'm very sorry. But sometimes I'm not because you took me for granted-- expected that after what you did I'd hang around and watch the outcome... that it would be easy.
I would have liked to be the better person, but the sheer gravity of your betrayal and subsequent lie killed all that we had built together.
And it still hurts.
Comments: (0)
today and every other day
Date: Oct 29th, 2007 8:06:38 am - Subscribe
Mood: dry
Every day I wake up and look for the tell tale signs that this is what I should be doing.
Some days you are the source of all hope, and others you are a dream crushing nightmare.
I wait and see if your affection will be enough to sustain me... afraid of my own needs and desires.
I hold my breath, to see which request will be the next insult, the next unthinkable deed...
Every day I hope that suddenly you will understand and appreciate me, my language, everything on a deeper level... every day you don't...
Every day I stay. Because I won't be that person for no good reason. Because I won't make your life hell for nothing. Because I'm not sure, and for now this will do, because I won't give you up and wake up the next day feeling like the whole thing was a mistake.
I think I hate my life... and I don't think that leaving you will make it any better. So maybe you're not so bad.
Every once in a while, you plant a kiss on my neck and it feels like heaven for a moment. I never expect it, its just given, and I remember.
Every once in a while...
Can I live on these whiles? Why can't I stop thinking about this and live in the moment...
Fuck this all
Comments: (0)
Dreams and Labels
Date: Oct 26th, 2007 9:56:44 am - Subscribe
Mood: emotionless
something in the real to share: I have not been this tired in a long time
Houston... we have a label...
(And I'm not telling...)
So they argue against labelling patients because it gives them an umbrella to hide under... and to a certain extent that is true... but for me apart from being an umbrella, they've given it a face. Something to fight against. Relatively reasonable ideas about how long it should take to get things done and some seriously reliable research about what works, and its all there available for my inspection and approval.
The beast has a name.
I know what I'm fighting.
So there's hope right now. There are therapists, appointments, knowing looks and waiting rooms. There are group meetings and individual sessions. There is this online journal and another one hidden in the bottom draw of my bedside table.
There's understanding and there's a future. And there's acceptance, and there's an eagerness to shake it off. There's tiredness. And there's hopelessness and deathly dreaming in their turn.
There's no forgiveness. And there can't be. I've given up hope there. Fuck you. Fuck you hard. You are now the noisiest unhappiest place in my mind. You are now the black. You are now the fucking hatred. You asked for it in no less specific terms.
There is corn and snow peas and strawberries, and a little grey cat, and a big brown and white one, a bird that rules the roost and a long suffering, but not leaving one...
How did I come to be here. there is positivity here. There is happiness in potentia... now all I have to do is be happy... there's no place like home there's no place like home...
I dreamt a dream thisafternoon.
I was in the crushing hold of sleep
Who wrapped his hand around my consciousness
and squeezed some madness from my imagination.
He tricked me into believing that I was awake
Only to tell me later with a snigger that
I was still asleep
And still asleep
And still asleep
And his captive for as long as he wanted.
Until the phone rang.
Is that how a coma feels?
Is that how it death feels?
Do you see yourself getting things done only to realise that they're gone again in an instant meaningless and nothingness?
Just thoughts.
Comments: (0)
old stories and universal truths...
Date: Oct 21st, 2007 1:59:17 am - Subscribe
Mood: misanthropic
What is it that opposite sex relationships crave from each other, and can they ever hope to satisfy the craving?
Why are women conditioned to expect knights in shining armour who at a closer glance prove to be nothing more than tin can foot soldiers?
Why do most men believe they're Arthur or Merlin, and turn out to be Lancelot instead? Why can't they admit that they don't really go for Excalibur, and all the chivalrous things they claim to stand for.
Why did Achilles have to fall in love? And why did men give a shit about Helen of troy. Why do women have affairs? If one man cannot satisfy them, what makes them think any other can?
A man said to me that his wife married the perfect man, because all men are perfect, does that mean that none is better than the other?
I am torn between men. One man haunts my dreams because he thinks he's Arthur and is actually Lancelot and won't admit it and therefore give me the peace i so desperately crave.
the other man is grooming me to be a perfect reproductive unit so that we can play house. There is admittedly part of me that enjoys this... but a darker looming threat that cannot accept my place as receptacle and gestational vessel.
There is a man who once appeared to be the knight, but on closer inspection, he seemed so black... but maybe that is all to do with perception, and I may have been the dragon not the princess to him. When/if i learn to feel perhaps I will be sorry... perhaps I already am...
another man, a man I don't even dare to think about or speak about has become the material of fantasy... one last hope that if I don't get too close, that if I look at him out of the corner of my eye I can believe in knights in shining armour all over again. One last effort to believe in the fairy tale... to allow myself to hope. I hope I never get to close to such and one...
I hope I never find anyone who looks like the perfect partner again. Relationships are hard fucking work... its all about compromise and settling... the very things that draw you to a person will ultimately be the things that push you away...
Comments: (2)
no title
Date: Oct 16th, 2007 11:30:27 pm - Subscribe
Mood: repulsed
I'm still repulsed by myself. I've managed to gain a stone in weight since i stopped the meds, and overall two and a half stone since I quit smoking. I told my partner yesterday that I feel like I'm wearing a fat suit.
The worst part about it is that by floundering like this, stagnating, dying a day at a time... indecisive and unhappy, they've won. Every fucker I've ever been paranoid about has won. Every fucker who's hurt me, including myself, seems to be winning the battle to destroy myself.
I hate my university degree. I hate my life. I despise myself. And I know saying that I hate my life really calls into attention problems I must be having with my interpersonal relationships, but maybe there is a problem there.
Maybe I need to just go stay with friends for a couple of days. I'm feeling low, feeling shit... feeling drained and unhappy. Lying when I can muster the energy. All the time in the back of my head is "whats the friggen point". My partner is sick of bashing his head against a brick wall with me and so he's given up trying to fight with me for uni and he's backing right off.
I've missed a class this morning. I should have stayed at home. I got here with an hour of the two hour tutorial left and couldn't suck it up enough to show my face in the room. I'm paranoid. its crippling.
And you know what the worst thing about all of this is? The worst thing is that this is what people deal with every day. Every fucking day the 'normal' people get themselves to class on time, deal with the people around them, get education, get jobs, manage their weight. I can't seem to give enough of a shit about any of these things to get myself organised.
I know that freedom lies just around the corner for me. All I have to do is finish the semester... but I'm so tired of waiting. I'm so unhappy with everything that I need some breath of fresh air now... but life isn't like that.
I want to get a decent therapist. Someone to talk to once a week. But I've been so fucking screwed over by the MH services that therapy has become a complicated issye about time and travelling and of course, money. I need to see someone. I need structure, help, coffee...
I wish just once someone would make me a coffee that was 'just right' and not too fucking hot to drink. I don't want to scald myself. Maybe I should stipulate that next time. Less whinging. More working.
Comments: (0)
another day another million
Date: Oct 9th, 2007 11:25:24 pm - Subscribe
Mood: grouchy
And the jury has returned with their verdict: yesterday sucked.
I'm so disappointed with myself. Its because there's a deep dark cruel part of me which has been unwillingly dredged up lately and I hate seeing it get used.
I'm tired of trying to bury hatchets in other people's heads so I'm going to put them deep deep deep in the ground for now.
There are people that I know that bring out the worst in me. These people know who they are and they know that I'm angry with them.
Anger is such a frustrating emotion for me. I've never been able to veil contempt. Perhaps I've enjoyed letting it out too much. I've become a poisonous viper, and now I'm threatening to bite my own tail.
My head is a mess, and words have been exchanged that can't be taken back. They ring in my ears and bring tears to the back of my eyes, but I refuse to believe that I'm what you, what you both insist I am...
There's a deep discontent in me. A deep irreconcilable void between the people that I love dearly and those that I can't love, who stand with those I'm ambivalent to. I'm so full of rage. I'm so full of rage.
I'm not making sense.
Medowie is the same as it was before, but the talk we had about not being so aggressive when talking to me seems to have stuck and despite yesterday's isolation, things have been resolved.
How can one person make me feel like I'm even getting better when the other one makes me feel like a monster? Maybe I am a monster, and if I am what does it matter?
Slowly the blocks fall into place
then spin away again
because you're re writing history
and I'm not allowed to take
my red pen to your sanctimonious new tale.
Slowly the blocks are whizzing closer
and closer to my face
as you redefine the chase
and tell me how I felt and made you feel
and how your version is the real deal,
but mine, mine is a forgery.
Slowly the blocks are making contact
and they sting
and they burn with cold fire
and they hurt deep inside where only memories should live.
Slowly the information falls into place
that you and I have been hurling the blocks...
Comments: (1)
I need to breathe.
Date: Oct 9th, 2007 5:39:15 am - Subscribe
Mood: sad
something in the real to share: I wish I were back on the south coast far away from all this.
Been back one day and the negative spiral starts again. At the smallest and slightest chance, he's into me. I feel like he's putting me down, waiting for me to fuck up. I hate living here. I hate this house, I hate the way it makes me feel. And I hate the way he can't see his own selfishness.
Been back one day and i'm crying my eyes out again feeling like noone on the fucking face of the planet gives a shit or can understand.
When we were away, everything was all smiley and rosey. But now we're back and straight away all he's doing is focusing on the things I'm getting wrong. Its like he can't wait for me to fail. He pushes and pushes me. He doesn't attempt to understand what it must be like for me to face yet another mental health team in a different fucking city based on my post code. Based on the post code that he chose and I have to assimilate with. I don't like medowie.
I don't like being dictated to either. Just do this, just do that. Don't do this! You're not allowed to do that.
I can be humble. I can eat all the fucking humble pie you want, but not unless your voice is soft and your looks are kind. I'm just too tired of that hard look in your eyes and if you don't get rid of it, we've got big fucking problems. I want the us that we had when we were away back. I want the couple that went for walks together. Not the arsehole that yells at me for checking emails.
I can't live with someone who's always looking for me to fail. Who takes that negative tone with me when he feels like it. Perhaps we both need a little space from each other, so I'm going to organise to go away for a little bit. To get out of your hair and away from all the pressure.
You're choking me.
Comments: (0)
confessions
Date: Oct 1st, 2007 3:26:36 am - Subscribe
Mood: reserved
For those that know who I am and that I can be found here, this is my confession. This is something that shame would have made me hold back in the past, but perhaps the truth is the best way to setting myself free...
The night before last, I attempted suicide. My partner had to hold me down forcibly to make sure that I didn't eat enough pills to actually do the job. I was taken to the hospital, and there bloods were taken and things were ok. They didn't pump my stomach. Tim's intervention meant that I couldn't swallow a fatal dose.
I had been out drinking, and I knew lately that alcohol fueled my suicidal tendencies. I knew that after a few drinks I would play chicken with myself, practically dare myself to do what I couldn't do when I was sober.
I'm now in a position where I can no longer drink. My relationship is hanging by a thread, because who would really want to make a life with someone intent on shortening their own?
My partner is shaken, in fact, he's disturbed. I'm left thinking that perhaps the best thing would be for me to leave in case I disappoint him again. I'm terrified that in some perverse way, if I don't leave first, he'll leave me.
So this is my confession. I'm here, just trying to make sense of it all....
Comments: (0)
morning story
Date: Sep 4th, 2007 10:58:37 pm - Subscribe
Mood: charming
Its early, and raining. Skinny leg boots, small buttocks and bad haircuts abound at the only open coffee location on camus. People sho up with "I just woke up" hair do's and "I'm late for class" walks. People order coffees with the urgency of "I've got to get back I might miss something". People sit alone, or together and discuss things.
Im sitting alone. I'm wondering what I can do to make myself more comfortable, to make the rain stop, to make the sun shine.
I am trying to convince the wind to stop blowing, the trees to grow faster, the climate to renig on its pan to destroy me, because it is too early.
Suddenly I notice, over the pop radio rubbish, that the coffee cart has resorted to its false sincerity by calling the names of the people who it serves. I despise this, and although I have some ideas why I'm not 100 percent sure they are the root of the matter. In intend to talk about this with my therapist.
I type without looking at the screen. I pretend to be fascinated with the rain swirls and this generates a real fascination with the apparently cross directional down pour.
I've created myself into a character. I've made myself into a morning story.
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sleeping with the past
Date: Sep 2nd, 2007 3:33:03 am - Subscribe
Mood: spirited
Last night I went to a birthday party. It was a gathering of old school friends. We have known each other for more than 10 years. That feels kind of strange.
Looking around them all. They're so straight laced really. They're not perfect, but they seem to get through life ok. I was the only one in the group without a job, Still at university. Of course, on paper I can tell them that I'm doing my second degree. It doesn't matter that I don't mention that I didn't complete the first one.
It felt strange reminiscing. And now I've got a partner who fits their mold better than I ever did. I can't pretend to be some arty farty type anymore can I?
I dislike looking back on the past, but I'm still around. I'm still seeing the same group of friends. I'm still doing the same old things. I'm still stuck at uni... I'm so ready to move into the future.
I see my future as having a job, working hard, having a great relationship with my partner, who has been absolutely adorable lately, and as being safe, secure and comfortable enough that I can exppress myself in my free time. I don't want to end up a shell of my old self.
I'm still frightened of things, but I'm not going to let that be a problem for me anymore.
Motivate me.
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hello kitty rocks your world
Date: Aug 30th, 2007 11:43:59 am - Subscribe
Mood: incredible
This is me. I am the hello kitty. I am not going to resize this image for you.
Ok this isn't me. But recently in a discussion with a friend of mine, I was being so darned cute that there was mention of the throwing of hello kitties and this became the notion that I was the hello kitty... and since I so rarely post pictures on this blog, I really wanted to do this to you aLL!!
THANX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111
PS I have NO idea who the woman is standing next to me. I'm just a big overly cute white cat in a dumb pose minding my own business and she's all touching my arm and stuff! AND taking pictures. I swear I can't go anywhere! :|
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random jibberish
Date: Aug 29th, 2007 4:16:59 am - Subscribe
Mood: wise
I keep hearing phones that sound like mine, which reminds me that I haven't got a clue where my phone is. This is so fucking frustrating. I'm tired, alienated, unable to talk to anyone and friggen over this whole uni thing. I wish that there was something else I could do...
Every guy that I see that fits my 'hot' criteria reminds me that I'm not really attractive by my own standards any more. I'm such a vain oersin, but its easy to be when you're surrounded by people who obviously spend their whole morning getting the,selves dressed up.
I like to type while I'm looking around the roo. I don't need to look at the keys or the screen to type, although I will need to edit this later, but if all I'm doing it typing out my thoughts and I don't have to read at the same time 'll be pretty successful.
Damn I love that this blog is all mine to write whatever inane shit comes into my head.
If you can't tell I'm pretty scattered today and don't really know what the hell I'm going on about. I'm just sitting here in the info common wishing that I could take a nap.
Naps are nice.
Sleeping is wonderful. I need to find a quiet place to take a nap. Adieu
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over my dead body
Date: Aug 28th, 2007 4:14:08 am - Subscribe
Mood: reclusive
I'm scared. I'm scared that there might be too much work to catch up on and not enough time. I was thinking and I thought I had a great tutorial attendance record, but if I was there the last couple of weeks in this one particular tute, I'm really unaware of what had happened. How did I miss so many?
time to take the reins back.
I'm not going back to that for anyone... there's too much to lose...
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another mind melt.
Date: Aug 27th, 2007 10:47:54 am - Subscribe
Mood: wretched
Its not that late, but I feel weary.
I always seem to write when I'm in a down mood. Is it an exorcism or is it a catharsis? Or is it just another indulgence.
The net is an indulging place. Step right this way, sir/madam. We have you scheduled for comfortable pigeon holing at any time you desire. Seek, seek I say! Hide, Hide, I insist.
I'm not sure what I want to be writing. It should be so easy to sit down and work. I should take my meds on time. I shouldn't resist... resistance is futile.
What is wrong with me?? What isn't wrong with me? I'm NOT sick. I have NO excuse. Face it, accept it and get the hell on with it. You're only procrastinating with your life little girl and now you're all grown up.
So shit... or get off the pot.
Comments: (2)
stuck in the middle with myself.
Date: Aug 27th, 2007 8:18:17 am - Subscribe
Mood: jaded
My head is a mess again and my heart still doesn't trust me.
There are so many changes happening in my world at the moment bloggosphere... and the further I go down the road, the further it will be to walk back if I lose confidence and scream STOP! FOR FUCK SAKE LET ME OFF THIS RIDE!
But I don't want to use the safe word just yet, do I?
In the garage is a car. In the car are my things. The immediate possessions I need to get through my life. In the car are the boxes and in the boxes are these things.
I'm worried about so many things, uni, lifestyle. God I am packing on the pounds. I'd love to lose a good 15 pounds... I need to lose that much. I'm disgusting now. And not so long ago I had my body exactly the way I wanted it... and now it feels like all is lost.
I feel like I'm constantly sick. My head spins, my fingers tingle and for no good reason my muscles clench on me. Its like dying slowly. All I want to do is sleep.
And all around me the world keeps on turning like its not a big deal, and to be honest it shouldn't be... So why am I so desperately clinging to the idea that it is?
Commitment, if you're serious, takes away your options. Its selfish to commit to someone if you don't intend to be here for very long. And the longer I commit for the more that grates on my spine... the more it gets under my fingernails... I'm promising never to do it... I feel trapped, kept, uncomfortable...
Here is the hand out of the top of the hole! But where are the dressings for my hands when I get there? I want a pat on the back and a 'job well done'... Perhaps I need to keep climbing...
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cog dis
Date: Aug 14th, 2007 11:43:59 pm - Subscribe
Mood: reserved
something in the real to share: shy shy shy
I miss my anonymity blog world. There's a difference between being anonymous and being ignored. I'm not sure what you want from me bloggosphere but I'm dying to give it to you and have you return the favour to me. But I don't have what you want right now it would seem. I don't have what you need and so you're not coming to me to find it.
The world keeps spinning and every day I get more and more complacent. More and more selfish. Yeah, have babies, breed dogs, eat shitty junk food, get fatter, exercise less. Take time to smoke. Drink coffee which comes from the labor of people who can't afford to take so much for granted.
Breathe deeply your own filthy air and push aside all feelings of futility. The world is not corroding. The world can go on like this forever and so can I. The problems facing us will be exciting new developments in the span of our short-in-comparison-to-the-planet history.
So everyone... drive more, walk less. Eat meat. Wear fur. Don't stop at intersections and bring on th anarchy.
Tron
Comments: (1)
its all ok
Date: Aug 13th, 2007 8:14:39 am - Subscribe
Mood: content
I'm so tired. But I'm good. I had a great birthday weekend. Now its monday and I feel dreggy. Its cold. I don't want to go outside. I'm heading out for dinner. I've got a sleepy throat... you know that feeling you get when you're well tired. I don't want to be snappy with anyone. Maybe a hot shower will make me feel better. I don't know. I'm grasping at straws.
So hey there blog world! You wonderful world you!! Pizza reflux burps and I'm definately putting on weight, and I'm kinda okay with it. I'm going to have to work to get fit again but for now its all ok.
I'm young, in love, grown up, surrounded by good friends and family.
In fact, fuck. Everything is ok. I'm always a little bit worried about uni but for now everything is ok. Its nothing that hard work and determination can't fix. So g'night blog world, hot shower, comfy clothes and uni work time!
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la familia
Date: Aug 6th, 2007 8:09:00 pm - Subscribe
Mood: fatigued
something in the real to share: i'm about to watch the sunrise.
Someone spoke to me this week about sleeping forever. And it stuck with me. When I was younger I used to like the thought of sleeping through bad or undesirable or painful things unitl they were over. I used that technique a little bit when I broke up with Sam, but it didn't work. I just slept and every time I woke up, I had to remind myself what had happened and relived that fresh pain all over again.
Tonight I'm not sleeping. I haven't slept a wink. I took a nap earlier on in the day so I couldn't doze off when I went to bed at 2am. Now it's nearly 6am and i still can't sleep. So forgive me if I don't make a coherent point. There are just some things that I feel I need to get off my chest right now.
I'm also awake right now because I'd like to see the sun come up. I'm sure I've got massive bags under my eyes and when I finish writing this the sun will either be already up or I'll be pillow ready.
I found myself thinking about my mum again tonight. And I found myself fucking missing her like hell. I miss so many things about her that it seems that only a sleep deprived delusion can unlock from within my mind. I think I've finally gotten to a point where I'm not embarrased of the person that she is. I have thought in the past that who she is, how she physically is and everything about her rather crude manner was something to be ashamed of. Yeah thats right. I admit it ashamed. Thats a huge part of the reason I've kept her at arms length.
When I was a kid, I always used to think my mum was cool. She was a fun mum. A strict mum but a fun mum. We always used to get along. It helped to have a common enemy. But as I got older she scared me. She wasn't a fun mum, she was a dangerous mum with friends who smelled bad and a host of bad habits. I used to think I was old and wise because I'd realised that I didn't have to like my mum. But now I think I'm old and wise for a different reason. I think that whatever I feel about her as a person, doesn't stop the fact that she's my mum. And that means when I feel like a chat at 6am she's the person that I should be able to call. Whenever I'm lonely or unsure she's the one I should be able to get in touch with.
I know this is a little childish, but I've got this big lonely hole in my heart where my mum should be. I lost the chance with my dad, and I used to think that it would be easier for me if my mum were dead. But she's not and I think that I'm depriving myself of something I've always wanted and needed. I really miss having a 'family'. I've tried to make other people part of my family, but there isn't that mutual obligation with people who you select as a family member. There isn't that guilt free feeling.
I know that this like all my realisations won't last. I'll forget about it, get afraid of it or shy away. I'll distance myself again like I always do. Its not great but its me. The one thing you can always rely on about me is that I'm generally unrealiable.
I guess what sparked all this thinking about families was some news that someone shared with me and watching other people and their families getting along in the world. Its so easy to see that and want that for yourself. It is so easy to crave that attention, that sense of belonging. One day I want my children to have a big family to be involved in. I want them to know that there's always one place where they will be unconditionally accepted.
God. Damn. Don't we have the rose coloured glasses on this morning tron? You think its that fucking easy do you? You think any other family is that happy?
Yeah, I do actually. And I think that I can have that for myself.
I think I'm going to take a step and get in touch with my mother for my birthday this weekend... I miss her.
And speaking of birthdays guess what world! I'm turning 23 this coming weekend. YAY for me. I don't know what to think about birthdays at the moment. Its not like they're that special something that you had when you were a kid (unless you're kate lol). I miss party hats and goodie bags.
Now my birthday is just another reminder that I should be finished uni and out getting a degree and having a life. I've pushed myself away from my own life I think.
Well tiredness is finally winning and i think I may be able to shut those lids and go to sleep...
night/morning.
Tron
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pillow mints
Date: Aug 5th, 2007 8:13:46 am - Subscribe
Mood: magical
Today was another great triumph for the pharmaceutical sector of society once again proving that humans on drugs are far superior to sober humans.
"a gram is better than a damn"
I've caught up on much of the work I've been missing out on due to illness and begun a new course of mood stabilising goodness which should hurtle me into the coming weeks with a calm faced momentum.
The strange feeling of standing outside a crowded room and not being able to make out what people are saying has mostly faded for now and the feeling of social paranoia, while still there, is at least manageable for now... you all love me right?
Things in my relationship are good and the gnawing longing for the past has faded. I'm getting tired of dreaming things that seem real, so real that when you wake up, you almost relive the fresh feeling of grief that realigning yourself with the waking world brings. Its a pristine grief that I turn to on my pillow when my eyes open.
it can be overcome
This butterfly effect of waking and sleeping is probably the single most destabilising feeling that anyone could experience. Its a ground hog day of pain.
But Life is so much more than these emo rantings and while I'm up up up and away on pseudoeffadrine, the world looks so pretty between the clouds.
Loving you all... loving myself... loving life... not thinking about dying.
Tron
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neurochem alignment
Date: Aug 3rd, 2007 12:09:25 pm - Subscribe
Mood: nasty
I went to the doctors today for some shots and a check up. Had to get a letter of support for my scholarship. Talked about how things have been in a decline lately. I've been confused. I've felt like a spectator watching a madman... like a rich woman in bedlam watching the festivities, but with the sudden and pervasive discomfort that you'd get if you suddenly realised that one of the patients was a close family member.
So i've been privy to my own debilitation. Argumentative, unstable, more 'difficult'. So the solution for now is new meds. I know that seems like the easy way out, and thats because it is. Thats because I know I can get that sorted. I don't have to worry about appointments with people I don't feel comfortable seeing.
To make matters really wonderful tonight I've got a dripping nose. Literally... Its fucked. It's gross.
I'm all kinds of messed up today. Here's hoping that these new meds can join forces with my old meds and together they can stabilise my fucking moods finally.
I just want to be happy...
Tron
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morning madness
Date: Aug 2nd, 2007 11:16:34 pm - Subscribe
Mood: quiet
Its early in the morning. Well, early as far as I'm concerned. its 9:10 in the am.
I'm not interested in being asleep although sleep would probably do me a world of good. I can feel the bags underneath my eyes.
I should get up and get myself a coffee, step outside and actually enjoy this overcast but still beautiful morning. But I'm not.
I'm sitting here compelled once more to write my sweet nothings to you world. Sitting here not saying so very much that I would like to. Sometimes its best not to pen a confession.
I'm now starting to feel like "the drugs don't work, they just make it worse still i know I'll see your face again".
I'm starting to look into my mind and see corridors where there were wals. All these fucking dorrs and windows. I don't dare open or peer out.
Ctrl Alt Esc.
I think something is happening in my neurochem again. Its doing things that I thought it had well and truly given up on. I'm becoming a person I don't want to be again.
There are so many things that I wish I could change...
for fuck sake tron: hold your cards a little closer to your chest honey.
I'm not a very good writer. I'm cliche and unimaginative at the moment and its eating me. I'm trying my best to come up with things that I can hold up and say: excellent, this was done by me. When you read this you're going to see something that you are going to remember for the rest of your life. But it isn't happening. I'm not making that. I'm not being that person...
I'm falling so far from the person that I want to be...
"I'll see you on level six, I'll stop in and say hello on my way through"
Tron
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pick a hat any hat... any hat will do
Date: Aug 1st, 2007 10:54:19 am - Subscribe
Mood: catatonic
A friend told me something today that I just found really hard to swallow. He told me that he'd considered and got a referral to go to a psych and have himself checked out just in case there was something about him that just might show up in a personality test for a job or something somewhere along the line.
I couldn't get my head around it. I told him that if he were really worried about his mental health and he was finding that there was some kind of impairment or some kind of distress in his life that he felt he could attribute to psychological reasons then yes, he should get treated. But he seemed to think that psychologists are the only people who can accurately and reliably tell you about little things to do with your own person that you won't be able to recognise yourself.
I tried to explain to him that this wouldn't be any use anyway. You can lie on personality tests and you can lie to a psych. They aren't some kind of soul percieving machine that's going to suddenly be able to diagnose you so that you can look out for other situations like that in the future. I tried to explain that there are certain stigmas around mental illness (maybe even rightfully so? Subject for another blog) that he could do without. I tried to explain that when you get involved in all of this you can quite easily manifest symptoms. You can go in a normal healthy person and you can come out a jibbering wreck!
He still seemed to think that there was some method to his 'madness'.
Its a tell tale sign of society that my friend can sit there and over diagnose himself and his family and be okay with that. Perhaps they are a little dysfunctional, but it doesn't mean that they have mental illness. I mean, to some degree we all have illnesses in our body. Very few people get through the day without any kind of ache or pain. Without any kind of imperfection in their body and I think that a person's mind is just the same. We all can find symptoms that will match the diagnosis if we look hard enough.
I just think that its a bees hive and should be left alone unless it interferes with your life.
There are so many people out there struggling with mental illness. Its a pandemic. But we don't seem to be able to stem the flow of the disease. We don't seem to be able to stop the cause of the illness. We don't seem to be able to make people really better. And at the same time we don't want to let them be sick because they remind us that society as a whole generally seems to fail most people...
fuck its a head spin isn't it.
Well I hope you're all brave enough out there to just accept yourselves for who you are, without needing that fucking diagnosis of what you are.
Night bloggosphere.
Tron
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prepare the bandage, my hearts about to bleed a little...
Date: Jul 31st, 2007 10:13:02 am - Subscribe
Mood: cranky and crampy
something in the real to share: i have NO hair :P
So another day another university lecture. But it feels good to be engaging with the subject matter. It feels good also to be talking through my fingers again...
"why are they called fingers? I've never seen them fing."
I'm feeling distinctly more positive and more and more relaxed and focused. Maybe its staring at this screen and watching words form. Maybe its getting out of my own head. Being sick really fucked me over.
I'm really pissed off at the moment. This is a slightly political whine specific to Australia, so feel free to tune out.
Gunns Ltd a big nasty logging company based in tassie has been chopping down the old growth forrests for ages. They used to just chip the whole load of wood and send it overseas to make nice fat profits. But they had a little bit of a think about that and it turns out if they pulp the chip first and send the pulp overseas they make more money. So they petitioned the government to get this big filthy pulp mill through. Well it had to go through an independant commission and it was taking too long. This was starting to put Gunns off the project and they were apparently thinking of pulling out. So the government stood in, wrote special one off legistlation for gunns and then pushed past the independant commission and got the fucking thing passed. There are multiple negative environmental issues associated with the plant as well as the fact that the rate payers in the proposed area don't want the damn thing to go ahead.
What pisses me off most is that the fucking government is blatantly flaunting the one rule for you and another rule for us policy they have going with big business. It's fucked. We live in one of the driest environments in the world and they want to use our water to pulp wood? They want to cut down the fucking trees which are a staple in the rain cycle. They wonder why we have climate chaos at the moment????
Its gotten under my skin. I'm sure if you had a little look you'd find shit loads of simmilar things floating around the world. I mean, what kind of world is it when we just fucking bypass the independent commissions to make rules for big business at the expense of people who are trying to live and enjoy their hard earned homes and lifestyles? It just fucked.
Its as bad as the idea they have up in the town that I grew up in called Dungog to dam one of the valleys and create a huge dam to pump water down to the central coast miles and miles away because all the rich people with waterfront homes at gosford etc can't maintain their way of living because there isn't enough water down there. They want to sink lots of good farm land and push people out of their homes so that they can keep the richer more lucrative cunts in their lap of waterside luxury. Well i say that if you can't live there or you want to live there your water should cost heaps or you should abandon the place all together.
I'm just tired of governments fucking around with the people that they are supposed to represent rather than doing their jobs. Promises promises and no fucking action.
Tron
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step two three ten hut!
Date: Jul 30th, 2007 10:46:26 am - Subscribe
Mood: distressed
I'm restless. I'm restless. I am without rest.
There is so much undone, not commenced, not considered.
I am restless.
There is not enough time. The time is going, leaving it is flitting out of my hands.
My hands fidget.
I am restless.
I am listening to music and its letting me know one track at a time the speed of my life's departure.
And I am restless.
There's something I can't quite put my finger on. I think I've been picking old old scabs in my mind again and managed to wriggle one of my filthy chipped fingernails under it... I've lifted a little bit and it turns out the wound is still alive, there's still a little blood flowing there. I've tried. Fuck. I've fucking tired to cauterise this wound. I've heated it up to red hot and stuck that thing in there trying to burn, blister and heal.
Illusions all of it.
Now I'm restless.
Illusions all of it.
I dreamed last night that I was harry fucking potter trying to save the universe. Riding animals around. Pinching other people's magic wands and running amok trying to gain the acceptance of other people.
Just try to focus on your new family and for your own sake; don't feel restless...
"i think a semi colon should go here"...
Don't hold on. Let that go.
But I feel...
Stop feeling.
I'm pleading with myself to make this all fucking stop. Tomorrow will be another day and I feel like I'm slipping backward into something that I don't want to be in. I feel like i'm sliding into somewhere I'd rather not be.
What I wouldn't give for a cigarette... quitting is for quitters.
Fuck this shit. Fuck my shit. Fuck this restlessness....
I just want to write. A thousand words. I don't care what they mean or they don't. I want to hold my own exorcism because here is my vomit and my head is fucking spinning.
I shouldn't swear so much.
I'd rather type than write these days. I'd rather scream than speak. I'd rather cry than sleep. I'd rather smoke than eat.
I'd rather punch than kiss. I'd rather bite you than touch your lips. I'd rather breathe than break... but I'm breaking. Just for a moment.
I'm restless. My mind is restless. My brain is restless. My life is restless... my head is spinning...
My insides rebel against the picket fence. The dichotomy arises and I become a diptych inside myself... a trichotomy when you count the objective observer inside...
"don't ask me kid, I just work here"
Fuckers. ALL OF ME AND ALL OF YOU ARE FUCKERS!!!!!!!!
The whole world is full of assholes and I'm just one shit away from flushing myself for good. Don't you think? Reflexive question. Let it all out baby. Let the words flow out.
Fuck you've been spewing for four or five days now whats one bout of verbal diarrhea in the mix of all these mind numbing symptoms.
Don't measure your words, lest they prove the measure of your mind.
Tron
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sick sick sick
Date: Jul 29th, 2007 5:10:41 am - Subscribe
Mood: deranged
Four days of throwing my hole up. Its been fun. Of course throwing up means either not taking my meds because its a waste to throw them up or heaving them. So I feel just fucking dandy at the moment. Sick and now depressed. WOOOO.
So trying to study would be a great idea if I wasn't so tired. I think I'll just suck it up and try anyway.
take care.
Comments: (0)
its official
Date: Jul 23rd, 2007 11:07:03 am - Subscribe
Mood: special
the paperwork went through, supporting documents checked out and now I am officially disabled at uni. Isn't it wonderful *sarcasm*
Comments: (0)
questions from the advocate...
Date: Jul 23rd, 2007 1:09:18 am - Subscribe
Mood: recalcitrant
And back to monday in a full loop of weekend sloth. So very little accomplished in the way of things I can see and still perhaps I managed to do a little damage instead.
As I sit here trying to sound unnecessarily complicated I'm asking myself questions. Always asking those damned questions. Sometimes I think I like to ask myself questions that fuck with my nice premeditated life plan and throw the whole thing into one large argument which ultimately ends up on a tangent... much to the amusement and at the same time Horror of all involved... party of one to fucktard land?
So He's back in my life again somehow... restrain. You were happy before? Why did you let him back in. Again with the fucking questions??? And you'd made such an affirmative step, taken such an aggressive action... but you couldn't keep him out. So you have to watch him, watch him in his happiness with her, making it work.
And now you've decided, to not be torn. To suppress lust in favour of safety. Because free falling isn't so attractive anymore. There's no safety net at the bottom of the rabbit hole. Emotional and fucking god knows what else kind of feelings make me cling to this sense of being okay forgoing all opportunity and all hope of intensity.
So what have I sold myself for? A family, a feeling of security, the hope that I might be improving... and ever as I do I ask these fucking questions. Always trying to decide things I'd thought I'd decided.
I know nothing.
Why can't I just dump the bipolar shit and live a straight life?
Tron
Comments: (0)
aint it funny how
Date: Jul 21st, 2007 11:56:01 am - Subscribe
Mood: peaceful
When you're with someone its the thought that you might lose them that makes you really appreciate them. And its not any kind of imagination about what life would be like without them that can do that, its the bone crushing, stomach churning feeling that they're leaving and never coming back.
Funny how when someone thinks you're going to leave you get a chance to think about doing it, or if you'd been wondering and uncertain, you stop and you think about your life and where you're heading. Funny how when someone comes to you and having done the wrong thing they come to you humble, with a newfound respect, you suddenly remember what had been in front of your face the whole time.
Its funny how lust can seep into your friendships and you can find yourself attracted to your friends. But you later realise that lust was all there was... or at least you hope, and pay no mind at all to anything else.
Funny how you can grow close to people and that closeness breeds these feelings.
Funny how when all the dust settles, you're still on the path that you thought you were on and you're not sure if its recent events or pure fear that keeps you there, but you don't care. Serenity comes through.
Funny how comforting not thinking about things can be...
Funny how surprising and wonderful thinking about other things can be...
tron
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nothing much to say.
Date: Jul 17th, 2007 6:22:26 am - Subscribe
Mood: bitter
there aren't enough eye patches in the world. What we need is to ditch all of this new technology and embrace the old ground warfare with troops and guns and hand to hand combat mano e mano. seriously... there's too many fucking people around anyway.
Watched 28 weeks later last night and I'm unashamed to admit that it frightened the fuck out of me. Hell I hate walking home from the medowie shops at night let alone watching that sort of gratuitous violence... I mean there was just an air about it that something like that shit could happen... *sigh*... oh well I am a puss.
nothing more to add... wear more eye patches...
Tron
Comments: (0)
starvation
Date: Jul 16th, 2007 5:46:44 am - Subscribe
Mood: unhappy
Calling all sentient beings... is there anyone among you that could offer me warmth? Is there anyone among you that could offer me some kind of affection?
I am starved here.
Comments: (1)
tata
Date: Jul 10th, 2007 10:15:16 am - Subscribe
Mood: tops
I didn't expect you to disappear without a fight,
like a sinking ship in the middle of the ocean
In the middle of the night.
With the lights out and the music gone,
And I didn't expect this realisation
To take so long.
I didn't expect you to fall by the wayside now,
I never thought you'd be on my wayside anyhow.
I thought you'd take a peek over your shoulder
Not close your eyes, walk away,
leaving me to smolder, feeling a little colder.
I thought that there would be a little kick,
a toe testing the water,
Something small, the faintest click.
But you are gone without a trace, Like you were never there.
And I can still see your face...
I just, thought you'd care.
Comments: (1)
battle of the sexes
Date: Jul 6th, 2007 3:06:01 am - Subscribe
Mood: interested
Women have been fighting for a long time for equality, but do we really want it? I've been thinking today when I saw en episode of some kind of reality program set in a prison. There was an altercation between one of the female guards and one of the male prisoners. This is an all male prison. This is a correctional facility. A lot of these people aren't even going to be up for parole any time soon.
It got me to thinking, why would there be a woman in this facility at all? There was a female warden, and this was a female screw. But for the record, this guard wasn't a very big woman, reasonably feminine, didn't seem to be overly athletic or muscular. Does she really fit the bill for someone who is supposed to patrol, control and tame some of america's most violent male prisoners?
In thinking about this I pointed out that perhaps this woman shouldn't have been there in the first place, that the job itself obviously requires more than her physicality could allow for. But my partner pointed out that if correctional officers were hired on the basis of their physicality then there would be a tension in the prison system and the prisoners would feel like they were then given some kind of subconscious permission to wage war on this enforcing system.
I simply argued that part of the job description should be a capacity to defend yourself when attacked... I think there should be a psychological element too just quietly, with guards having to be the kind of people who rehabilitate these people, there should be some kind of test that they have to sit to make sure they aren't sadistic fuckers or whatever...
But the point I'm trying to raise is this: This woman, whether she was sexually harassed or not really shouldn't have been in this facility with these men. I'm not saying that all women wouldn't be able to, I think some women would have the ability to defend themselves and take care of themselves in this situation, but are we really at a point with political correctness that we can't put the best person in a job because of what would be considered offensive?
There are laws in place so that you can't be fired without good reason, and you have to be given an equal opportunity to do the job at hand, but realistically, are we all capable of doing the same things? Most men will be able to do most of the 'masculine' heavier jobs than most women. Thats a fact. I'm not saying that all women should be excluded, I'm just arguing for a bit more sense when it comes to where we put people. I'd argue the same thing for men who can't do the job. Some men aren't suited for these kind of jobs either.
Unfortunately, it doesn't always swing back the opposite way, men can do the same things that women can do. Often there is a fact that we have to acknowledge, that we are generally built differently to our male counterparts and this will restrict us.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not arguing for all women back to the kitchen or anything like that. I'm proud to be a woman, and I'm proud of what we can do. But I think we're winning battles on the wrong fronts here. Being able to work in a correctional facility isn't a gain, its some kind of stupid appeasement.
Maybe I'm just on a rant here, and maybe after a little more thought I'll come back and edit all of this to be more succinct and articulate, but until then, this is the rough sketch of an idea that you might like to think about...
xxtron.
Comments: (0)
rusty revolver
Date: Jul 6th, 2007 1:17:21 am - Subscribe
Mood: liberated
Hello again bloggosphere. I wish i could give you something interesting and original, something that would make you beg for more and satisfy my need for a following, but my usual chaotic rants will have to be sufficient...
I've started again...
creating.
I've started creating again.
I'm drawing, badly,
I'm making things... closer to thinking about words.
Not yet.
So perhaps back to the simple chaos of my cryptic posts and the convoluted expressions of what translates to daily nothingness....
Nothing.
Slipping further into my new life. Three months without a license for crimes well known but frankly I find forgivable...
So I shot my gun and then
when the smoke cleared
from my rusty revolver
the beast was dead.
And you were gone.
And in all that time
I never once thought you
wouldn't feel it.
But you prove to be
Anesthetized by your new old love
by your blindness...
By the lies you tell yourself to make it
all okay by you.
And now I've just got to turn away
and walk one step
two step... one two step.
The wound might not have been fatal...
the beast might not be dead.
But never underestimate
my homicidal urges
when it comes to this...
so another day to face... another late start. another loss of motivation
another hopelessness
another loss of motivation...
Drinks tonight! Hopefully, with an old friend... a good friend. A great friend... Fuck I can't wait.
xtron
Comments: (0)
mercy killing?
Date: Jul 4th, 2007 5:24:26 am - Subscribe
Mood: dour
Every time I talk to you I end up crying. I thought it was things here, but now I realise that its you. Its talking to you, its feeling you slip away...
You took another path and I can be happy until I think about you... I don't know if I'll ever get over the way things went down... not really. Now seeing you so happy there in this new life you have and watching you get further and further away... well its fucking hard...
Its not a life that I can be a part of. Its not a life that I'm welcome to. Its not a life i can be happy for you in. There is no longer any place for me. There's just a hole where you used to be...
So maybe the best idea for us my old love, my lost friend, is to say goodbye. Once and for all... to leave things as they are and just move on. i can't go on feeling so uncomfortable, having her happiness rubbed in my face every time I talk to you. Having you at arms length and never closer. I miss you... and missing you isn't fair. You said we would still be friends, but... are we? Are we really or do you just get some kind of guilt relief from listening to a whinge from me once in a while?
So... maybe it is better if I start again and make things better and new... maybe its better if I move forward without you... maybe its better if she takes you once and for all and my life goes forward, because today in this moment you're the saddest thing in it. You're the unhappiness I don't need. You're the destroyer of things that should be better without you... I don't need that feeling.
But letting you go... finally letting you go and trying to live my life without you... that seems so hard. And harder still is knowing that you wouldn't feel it... so it seems the best thing to do... You can't be an acquaintance to me... it just can't happen...
But maybe if i just wait, things will pan out and somehow this nowhere land will dissipate in favor of a something and somewhere existence. I'd like that. I'd like that...
Maybe in the face of that goodbyes wouldn't be necessary... but I fear thats where you're heading... there with her... and i'm not welcome to that part of your life. You would be making a choice and a life without me at all... and you said that wasn't how it was going to be...
But its dying... so maybe the best thing would be to put it out of its misery?
tron
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viva la
Date: Jul 3rd, 2007 6:42:04 am - Subscribe
Mood: sunny
hey Bloggosphere...
welcome to another day in the life. My time has been devoted mostly here to whinges and incoherent rants so I suppose you should get a less cryptic update into my life...
I've been very scissor happy lately... loving cutting my own hair at the moment, and the results are ok... i think.
I've recently met some really awesome people inn the world at large and its been great to extend the friendly hand of hello into other people's lives. Apparently I'm interesting, although I doubt that to be true.
Lately I'd have to say i'm less weird and fucked up although I did cut once and only shallowly in the last week. I think I was reaching out for my old self.
its hard at the moment, I've blown up the bridges to my closest friends on my wavelength... and it seems to be impossible to replace that need within my life for those things... I miss that intensity and passion... So i spoke to my other half, and explained what I need and what he can do to help that and despite my overwhelming fears that I'd get laughed at or told of as being silly, it went well and we connected better.
I'm reading again at the moment. I'm reading midnight in the garden of good and evil. I miss cigarettes like all hell, and sometimes I think I see the ghost of myself sucking down a fag on the couch next to me, but I suppose this is the healthier way to be.
I had a trip down to sydney a little while ago and it was awesome. I got to see some wonderful and important people to me, and it gave me a break from my life which can be quite lonely at times. I really miss the things that I used to have and the motivation to make them happen again... but its hard to find that feeling that makes you want to get up and do things sometimes... I should really take a walk methinks...
I've managed to calm down a little bit after whats been an emotionally turbulent time... and it has finally seemed to come good... like nobbys finally pulling the pasha out of its arse, I've moved another block out of my mentality for now so that I can be a better person in my relationship and a better person in my life.
I've found a whole lot of old writing and finally managed to put together a portfolio of current writing and I'm taking some of the half worked ideas and actually plan to run with them...
so... unpretentiously yours
tron
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holiday
Date: Jul 2nd, 2007 9:04:54 am - Subscribe
Mood: capricious
I didn't notice till the walk home that I'd forgotten to take my meds... and now I'm tired because of said long walk. And its nice to take a little holiday, listen to some radiohead and let my mind do what it likes with that...
Its definitely awesome to be able to take a break from the meds and have a positive day. Yeah, this writing isn't exactly high brow, lift your eyebrows, then you can smile and think how nice it is to be normal just a little bit.
Wow... not making a lot of sense, but you know, happy anyway. NOT manic, just... me.
Smiles to the world.
Comments: (0)
one of those girls
Date: Jun 29th, 2007 4:36:54 am - Subscribe
Mood: wretched
I used to think that I was trouble. Smoldering looks and hard lips. I used to believe that I was something powerful, independent, unreachable.
It isn't true apparently.
No. I'm one of those girls who needs relationships.
I'm one of those girls who wants to be held.
I'm one of those girls.
I'm one of those girls... but I'm not. What am I?
Kiss me like I'm the only girl in the world.
Love me like I'm the only girl you want, not the only girl you can have.
Breathe me like I'm the only thing that sustains you...
Then I might be happy.
Comments: (1)
songs
Date: Jun 28th, 2007 12:31:37 pm - Subscribe
Mood: frozen
ever had an 'our song' with someone? I've only ever had one. And it will always be an 'our song'...
I wonder what you think when you hear "part of me" now...
Do you think anything at all?
Do you have another 'our song'?
Comments: (0)
hypocrite
Date: Jun 22nd, 2007 8:29:20 am - Subscribe
Mood: incredulous
Why is it that when I want to blow off some steam and get a little pissed I can't? Not in his eyes... what could possibly lead him to the conclusion that it would be okay for him to suggest me staying at my house instead of coming home with him the same way I have every other night for the last couple of months?
I know there's the issue of the meds, and its a gamble, but fuck it. I'd like to blow off some steam. I'd like to wake up tomorrow hung over with no damage done. I'd like to be able to do something with MY friends rather than with HIS friends...
And I know that he doesn't make things too hard... he's just worrying about me, but the hypocrisy is a little hard to bear sometimes. I put up with his shit whenever he's drunk, and I just want to blow off some steam to have a good time now that I'm finished my fucking exams and he wants to be a party pooper.
I guess sometimes, I feel tired of all the little rules he's made with me that are supposed to keep me 'safe'... no drinking on meds... take it east 4 drinks and you're pissed... You think I like being this lightweight? You think I like feeling self conscious about drinking? You think I like this bland existence this boring lifestyle ALL the time? I'm not fucking 50 yet. I need my friends, my life, my everything...without you sometimes... without your rules...
I know that you just care about me... but seriously honey, I don't want to have to live in cotton wool... not when you're allowed to do the same damned thing whenever you want. And I don't care if you think that there aren't as bad a consequence, you think i'm going to be able to be understanding all the time no matter how infrequently it occurs when you get to do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it????
I think this is an argument for another time... maybe when I am medicated and not rebelling against you...
you know fuck it... you're not the only one with a childish rebellious streak.
tron
Comments: (0)
vanity
Date: Jun 22nd, 2007 5:37:16 am - Subscribe
Mood: worthless
lately I've wondered why I spend so much time looking at myself in the mirror. I'm not beautiful, I don't actually care that much about how people view me do I?
The truth is I'm imagining a better life. A different life. A worse life... I'm imagining a life other than my own. When I look in the mirror, I can imagine being beautiful, I can imagine being wealthy, sexy you name it, I can imagine it.
The truth is I don't have or feel those things usually...
the mirror should be a sense of truth, but its not. I've got some kind of paris hilton esque delusions about who I am and where I'm going in life. The truth is they are unsubstantiated.
Another semester over, wipe out. fail. and the truth is I don't care. I'm going to lose funding from my scholarship. I'm going to have to work really hard next semester. I'm anxious as fuck today without meds, but its over...
The hard thing is... without semester, without uni... what the hell have I got??
In other news I'm probably the worst partner ever. When I think about it, I know that if he gets any time off he'd invite me to where ever and what ever he was doing. And when I go places and do things i naturally assume that he won't want to go. Don't ask me why. I believe him when he says he wants to spend his time with me. What i can't see though is why??
Gawd... maybe its just me..? Maybe I'm not giving my whole self to this as I should be, Something to think about...
today is a stressfilled day...
so tonight I plan to go cull some of those wasted brain cells in a good old fashioned drinking night out...
tron
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homesick for the person I used to be
Date: Jun 19th, 2007 9:12:54 am - Subscribe
Mood: homesick
something in the real to share: I'm about to clean my filthy house
After another sickly sweet episode of GG, I felt compelled to re-evaluate my life... I missed that feeling of being 'young' and not really responsible for myself, just starting to take on the burden of self responsibility.
I've always taken responsibility lightly, and like most things, shrugged it off when it pleased me. Thats a worrying fact, and an even more scary admission. Because my awareness of this demands my attention and requires me to address this inconsistency between what I am and my ideal me.
I guess you could say in a way that I'm homesick for another part of my life. I'm homesick for the life that I used to lead... the good and the bad. At least it was familiar. Its not that this life isn't beautiful, its just... not what I'm used to. I think i feel home sick for glen martin, and the farm, and everything. But the truth is that when you move on the places change, the circumstances change. Life does not stay the way you wish it would. Time does not stand still.
I'm facing an era in my life where i have to stand up and be an adult. Uni isn't 'fun' or new anymore. Its a job, leading to a job, leading to familiar routines and a predictable and safe life. This doesn't really bother me too much anymore. It was killing me for a couple of weeks, but now I think I've dealt with it. There's just that homesickness for the familiar.
In that way I've missed *** a lot lately. He used to be such a large part of my life and now I realise that it isn't so much him, as what I associated him with that gave me that great solace. When I had him near me, around and close, life was something I could understand. But I stood there with the torch in my hand and lit those bridges, so I guess I can't help but deal with what I've made for myself.
I resolve to spend less time imagining what my life should be like and more time actually living it. I want to stop posing things all around the house and actually start doing the things that I want to do. I want to spend more time writing things by hand and getting those muscles that held me in such good stead all those years back up to scratch from their atrophied present reality.
I suppose that all adults get homesick for that feeling of security and lack of responsibility that they had when they were children. I know that at the moment, I vaguely and half heartedly pine for it, but at the same time know that I will be a mother eventually, I'll be the parent giving that to other children...
I guess I just miss having and being a part of a family... given my family's disfunctionality.
Damn this is a rather long rant for me tonight. But it feels good to get this out. This is important to me.
take care
tron
Comments: (0)
the lovely miss K
Date: Jun 11th, 2007 6:14:54 am - Subscribe
Mood: reclusive, industrious
something in the real to share: it has been flooding in my area, but the waters have gone down.
In the warm sun of the afternoon, she tells me about the relationship's disintegration. And I'm grateful that it isn't me. I can see the lessons that I've learned about love and life reflected in her story about the casualties of the failed relationship. I can see lessons I hope to have learned for my self reflected in the pale blue of her eyes.
There's something deeply calming about her presence. She's like a pond, clear and clean. Occasionally there is some turbulence under the water, but never enough to cause too many ripples on the surface. She takes things in her stride. I think of her like a family member, a cousin, something distant.
Comments: (1)
it doesn't mean anything
Date: Jun 7th, 2007 9:29:31 am - Subscribe
Mood: frazzled
something in the real to share: I'm warm, comfortable, a little bit overweight. A little unfit. I am average, and okay.
I looked up, for the first time in 15 minutes I looked up and saw the sky. The city lights were reflected in a pink band of clouds across the sky. It meant nothing, and it didn't have to mean anything to anyone.
This feeling is so new to me.
Once my life was filled with a sense of endless meaning. Metaphors on metaphors for the human condition. I strove to understand why people did what they do and to locate myself within that realm. I had things to say of consequence and passion.
That is gone.
Now there is a steady foundation for the life I think I'll be leading. There are questions and doubts in the back of my mind (is this what i want? can i do this for the rest of my life?)...
And then a song comes onto the radio, as I write this and strain to keep the train of thought alive... in this moment... meaning is injected again into the void where it hasn't been for some time...
And can't get past the weather
The friend I thought I knew
Found somethin' somewhere better
So I'm hangin' on your line
Thought we could speak together
Don't know what it is with you
You seem gone forever
I'm spending all my time
Driving 'round, faking clever
With a girl who seem alright
And another one who's better
I don't know if I lied
When I said we're not together
But I tried to talk to you
And somehow you seem gone...
I know what could've been
Try not to think about it
Found it hard to live with this
Longed to live without it
My dreams have caught me out
I find myself surrounded
By the odds of our own ends
Enough said about it
I'm spending all my time
Driving 'round, faking clever
With a girl who seem alright
And another one who's better
I don't know if I lied
When I said we're not together
But I tried to talk to you
And somehow you seem gone...
I've given up some things
I guess that doesn't matter
Started other things
I guess that doesn't matter
I finally wrote your song
Another unsent letter
In a pile addressed to you
Care of something somewhere better
I'm spending all my time
Driving 'round, faking clever
With a girl who seem alright
And another one who's better
I don't know if I lied
When I said we're not together
But I tried to talk to you
And somehow you seem gone...
I'm spending all my time
Driving 'round, faking clever
With a girl who seem alright
And another one who's better
I don't know if I lied
When I said that I'm together
But I tried to talk to you
And somehow you seem gone forever
Yeah, I tried to talk to you
And somehow you seem gone forever
Yeah, I tried to talk to you
Somehow you seem gone...
And I think of the conversation we had tonight, and the strain as I tried to keep the conversation going, to hold on to you, to believe in you again...
But thats inconsequential.
My life is unfolding, and I'm going with the flow, but I'm not water, I'm earth, I'm growing. I have perspective. I am in love.
I try so hard sometimes to be strong.
Well here are my insecurities for the world, and they are there. And so much is happening and nothing at all...
god I wish it made more sense... and I wish it meant more to me, to someone, to anyone. I wish I could indulge a little airy fairy significance...
tronxx
Comments: (1)
enigma mortality
Date: Jun 6th, 2007 6:35:35 am - Subscribe
Mood: encouraged
Waves roll in and out again. My life is changed. Parts of me have eroded away and other parts are crumbling under the weight of their unsustainable instability.
Still nothing changes. I am, partially, restless. And partially lonely. I yearn for that once great enigmatic sense of self which divided me from other people. It is almost gone.
Only a stubborn sense of self indulgence lets me believe that I am somehow unique in this sea of mundane, pedestrian, predictable and perfectly achievable goals.
GAH!
Rebelling against the picket fence dreams... does anyone get out of this alive?
But on the other side of things, there is a comfort and a familiarity that comes with this simple living. There is no complication to the notion of just 'getting by'. So what sense of enigma I have lost, is replaced by a sense of longevity. Hopefully though, just hopefully, I will find some exceptional way to relate to my fellow human again...
Because right now I don't know how.
Tron
Comments: (0)
Noman's land
Date: Jun 2nd, 2007 7:55:39 am - Subscribe
Mood: gelatinous
something in the real to share: Putting on weight might be healthier but it does nothing for one's self esteem.
It crept up like a silent fart in a crowded room, and then before I knew it, it was all I could smell. Depression. Changing my thoughts into unhealthy diatribes about my own worthlessness. And again, so quickly, I'm face down on cold tiles... in two three... hold two three... out two three...
Trying to apply the techniques you've been espousing is always harder than it seems. But then so are most things at the moment.
Life, uni life, financial life. Its a pressure cooker, and I'm a potato... getting softer and softer in the steam.
Here I was saying I was in no mood for metaphors... Turned out I lied.
So what now? It isn't a life to live like this. Its more disturbing knowing that this isn't the way I want to be. Knowing that this isn't the way I have to be. When you realize that there are things that you can do and you aren't helpless, every worthless moment feels like a failure. It isn't exactly productive, but it certainly helps to compound your sense of self denying stubbornness.
All things must lead to a plan...
The plan? Finish the uni semester off and get good grades... work on becoming better for myself and making a life outside the mad house...
God I thrived on the madness... I lived in it... but its time to give it away... like smoking, feels great at the time, but the consequences are fatal...
well... the consequences of life are fatal I suppose... doesn't mean I want to speed up the sand flow.
Comments: (0)
passers by
Date: May 31st, 2007 2:45:20 am - Subscribe
Mood: undecided
something in the real to share: It has always fascinated me how the winter sun gives the same light but not the same heat as the summer sun.
they walk by and it seems that I can't relate to them. Are they there. Somehow the boundaries between dreams and realities are a little blurred. What separates my existence from any other?
In my waking hours I long for sleep. Comfortable beds, random adventures. In my sleeping, or near sleep hours, I think of things undone, conversations unsaid and the iminent realities of the next day. Sand is running through my hour glass... and nothing is catching it.
In a brilliant animation of terry pratchet, death stored an hourglass for us all. When the sand ran out, we died. Thats what it feels like. Youth and life slipping away a grain at a time.
This is not unnatural.
We all die a day at a time.
They slip by and I can't help but wonder where they go and what they do. What are they learning and why. Where did he buy that jacket, where does she get her hair cut? What did they eat for lunch, and why is she so fat?
These thoughts.
Often condescending.
Now an awareness of you readers, looking at me, within me, perhaps feasting on this, perhaps disinterested. Where are you going when you read this? What have you done before? Do you ever feel the same?
Questions so rarely, if ever, answered... and inconsequential besides.
....
I have come to some conclusions about this life, this student life. I am, thoroughly, jaded. You can't sustain a life of drug induced rapture, you can't sustain a life changing the world. You just can't. This time itself has its own hourglass, and knowing I am on borrowed time segregates me from this existence. Caught between worlds...
Living the life without living it... what is the aim, what is the goal, how is it done...
Explain? No.
Comments: (0)
bloom
Date: May 26th, 2007 10:57:06 am - Subscribe
Mood: a little alone
something in the real to share: self sufficiency is definately a sense of arrogance.
I can feel it. My brain is opening up. I'm becoming alive. I can almost sense the neurons firing as questions form, reform, emerge. They beg for answers.
At times there is a certain sense of isolation in the way i've chosen to structure my life. A certain loneliness. But there is a satisfaction, a peace, a happiness, behind the 'desperate housewives' smile.
So my mind is once again asking questions, desiring to be open, taught, informed. It is refreshing to know this is inside myself. It means I know that I can accomplish many things which I need to accomplish at this time. It isn't beyond me to make the leaps I need to cross the cavern...
Comments: (1)
day one
Date: May 20th, 2007 7:57:44 am - Subscribe
Mood: frantic
Day fucking one of quitting smoking.
GAH!
Cravings are constant.
the feeling of some kind of ritual amputation permeates my daily comings and goings.
I need to find a distraction that isn't food...
I will NOT become a FAT ex smoker...
Wow... what intellilgent priorities... I'm so fucking proud of myself right now.
I will beat this addiction,
Lets go bitch.
Comments: (0)
last night
Date: May 17th, 2007 10:57:41 pm - Subscribe
Mood: enamored
Last night we spoke, you and I.
We organised an agreement to amalgamate our households, not in name, just location.
Name comes later.
I was afraid that you wouldn't compromise.
A fact you found funny.
And when I cried you laughed.
At the time I was insulted, but now I hope I know what you meant;
that it would be stupid for me to have such fears.
So this thing is happening.
Perhaps faster than we planned.
But why wait?
Why not gamble all on number 26 and hope that it comes good.
Because I love you.
Comments: (0)
maternal
Date: May 13th, 2007 11:29:53 pm - Subscribe
Mood: glum
yesterday... mothers day.
It really shows that we're in the digital age that the first correspondance I have from my mother in five years is a text message.
I was partially shocked. Partially unhappy. Partially angry. All surprised.
How is it that after so long she thinks a text message will fill the void between us? Me, a 23 year old. Essentially orphaned my whole life, and now she thinks she can play a part in my life?
I am so weary of my family. It is as if their sole goal in life is to take credit for my achievements. When I'm doing well they think they had something to do with it. When I'm not they spread viscious lies and attempt to manipulate me. Wait, they do that when they are unhappy too.
How does a person who is motherless, fatherless, appreciate these stupid hallmark holidays?
She comes from nowhere when she comes.
All smiles and "I love you"s sprinkled with
"You make me so proud".
But I'm not proud of you.
I find solace or pleasure in nothing that you do.
She weeps with happiness at my smile
and all the while
I cringe, through gritted teeth, a generous snarl.
She breezes in and out,
She breezes all about.
Never there when needed, still always needy.
And she thinks she can take credit for me.
Just because you utililsed your uterus, doesn't make you a mother. And the last time I checked, the umbilical cord was cut twenty three years ago. You're supposed to make something yourself after that... and you never did.
Impermanence.
Love that shifts like saturated sand
under my life.
I can't stand
Where your lies lie.
I can't breathe in your deciet.
I can't live on your dissapointments alone.
So I've lived alone
Needing...
Something more than you were ever capable of giving...
I don't know world...
Do I make a call and try and put old demons to rest?
Do I keep whinging to my gp and my therapist?
WHAT DO I DO?
Do I do nothing?
as always
Tron
Comments: (0)
love doesn't need plumage
Date: May 13th, 2007 4:44:01 am - Subscribe
Mood: withdrawn
Out into the void I vomit another uninspired nothing about my generally uninspired life. Yet, in the lack of inspiration is a calmness, a stillness. Perhaps even a lack of inertia. But its not so bad.
Lately through recent events I've felt like I've grown. If I look at my rather pragmatic self at this point in time, I can see changes which, although certainly not a finished product, lead me to where I think I want to be and who I want to be at some random point in the future.
Last night I went to a festival and was overcome and not unsurprisingly amused by the antics of most of the people there. Sat in my comfy jeans and joggers, under a couple of layers of warm clothes, I realised something about the human condition and its mating ritual.
Standing calmly held by my other half and happily enjoying the music, it was different to not be running amok in the crowd, trying to get people to notice me. I don't need to be noticed.
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the see saw
Date: May 7th, 2007 6:19:49 am - Subscribe
Mood: impatient
I can't seem to remember life sitting down and promising me that it would be fair. So it should come as no surprise to me that when I find a little piece of happiness the worlds of those I love destabilise.
I've finally found something lasting. Something positive. Something geared toward the same goals as I am with someone who treats me better than I deserve to be treated. And it comes to that breaking point in so many relationships around me. Are we meant to find monogamous happiness? Is love settling for what you think you need?
I've been burned by love myself. And frankly, its a bitch. We all know that. There is little point to this self indulgent rant.
I wanted to come on here and proclaim how stable and happy I am. To tell the world that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That I'm breathing, that I'm treading water, floating on my back and no longer blinded by the sunlight...
But it just seems too tasteless to spend time writing about that when the see saw effect makes me feel like i'm robbing others of their happiness to have a shot at something real and lasting... when it seems and always has seemed like the only way to take pain out of the world has been to bear the burden myself as long as I can. It seems...
All I can do is be the open ear waiting for the world to tell me its problems, and maybe I'll one day believe that my own happiness can come without a price.
Maybe one day I'll finally find something to stand up and fight for, rather than being ready to lay down and die when trouble hits. Maybe one day I'll know how to go about the fight and then laying down won't actually be the best option.
I don't know this is a rather long and uninspired rant from a rather overtired person who would like to believe in an almost hedonistic world where people can be happy. Take care world.
Tron
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has anyone ever told you
Date: May 4th, 2007 9:47:33 am - Subscribe
Mood: domestic
that you're too good?
Me neither till today.
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Oh the irony
Date: Apr 26th, 2007 11:38:54 pm - Subscribe
Mood: interested
something in the real to share: Mmm cold... try not to hibernate
I finally get my arse into gear and get to uni this week and my class has dissapeared into thin air. Well such is the wonder of it all. I wish I'd gone to the beach now. Nothing to do now but relax and try and get more work done. The days are stacking up.
I've picked up a contract to go to a music camp, and teach for three days YAY money... should go a long way toward paying off my debts. Why does money have to be so friggen hard? I'm just trying to get by, get through and make things right. Accountability and all that.
Lynn is in Iran at the moment, and I can't say that I'm not worried about her. But I hope she has a great time there and stays safe.
I know this is a little bit "dear diary" and I have been trying to write something better than that, but its not happening the way that I want it to. I can't write just when I'm in a mood, which is really not that often. I'm just stressed a little about uni at the moment, but at this part of semester, who isn't?
Got coffee, cigs, and making an effort to eat healthier again. One bad habbit gets kicked at a time. Getting back into control. I'm just about tired of all these transitions.
We're supposed to live for change. We're told that in stasis we can't be happy. Change is natural. But I've spent time this week trying to slow the rate. Trying to enjoy this level ground. I'm safe. Safe from myself. I haven't indulged in any unthealthy behaviour in quite a long time. And now I'm sitting outside enjoying the cold air knowing that the world isn't too bad a place afterall.
Take care all. Find some serenity.
Tron
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stuck to the mirror in a hecetate pose
Date: Apr 25th, 2007 12:50:43 pm - Subscribe
Mood: unstable
The smoke is coiling around the lamp that I'm using to create a sense of intimacy in this room. There is nothing on the walls to stare out except unexplained marks on the almost perfect paint job. I'm sure there are footprints, and legs, a hit of guts, in the shaddows.
The computer screen is white, cursor blinking. Adjusting the screen won't help my procrastination. So I'll take a long drag and a sip. I lie to myself and claim it helps me think. All it does is rile me a little more for the great battle that never seems to come.
Story of my life, the not coming. I hate medication.
But perseverence is apparently admirable. And we all crave approval somewhere, even if it is only within ourselves. Become some kind of zen master of your own desires. Thats the way to really live these days. Asceticism and deprivation prove that youre really in touch with your humanity. The more you deprive yourself, the more authority you have to preach about deprivation, making a mint and then earning the right to relax with barely any clothes, a little dirty, in an expensive motel room.
It might be that I'm getting in touch with some of my best writing here. But the fag went out and I'll have to light another one. I'm measuring my time in cigarette butts. And in buts. And ifs. And whatevers.
Another finger raised to the air. Another disrespectful casualty. Sip again.
The chair tilts underneath me, as if its important. Suddenly the significance of its slant is overwhelming. I fight the urge to envelope myself in discordian meaning, resisting, viva la resistance!
Light up again, suck deep. Its a bittersweet reward. Who really wants to live forever?
Somehow there must be more than this room, and the hall outside it, the blue tiles, the marks on the walls. There must still be a will to exit outside of this. There is a well inside myself and I though that it was dry. But the spring sprung again. If thats what springs do. And suddenly I'm here trying to make an insignificant moment mean the earth to myself, to you.
Blowing smoke rings won't write your essay, but they sure are pretty.
Sip. Hecatate Pose. Good song.
Time to try and chanel this another way.
xxtron
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Don't worry... Don't panic!
Date: Apr 21st, 2007 4:26:40 am - Subscribe
Mood: edgy
When I write here, I imagine what he would say to my words if he read them. If he came to this, my sacred existence. And he laughs in my mind. Maybe he wouldn't laugh. But he would definately see that this is an inflated sense of self. He'd see that this is something he will never understand.
What do you do as a depressed person when your partner is incapable of empathising with depression?
What do you do when its dawning on you that you created, manifested, nurtured the sickness inside yourself... and you liked it...
So I'm fighting my own baby here.
I'm fighting the intellectual side of myself.
I'm fighting the misanthropy.
I'm fighting the self that hates picket fences.
trying not to become a hateful dichotomy.
trying to be safe
not scared.
not scarred.
Again I come to the point where I have to ask myself what is most important. Ask myself why I want to get better. Its for a chance at something more fulfiling.
Why get better?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Is happy any better than sad? Yeah miserable is as miserable does maybe?
I'm just tired. I feel like the last couple of days I've been pushing shit up hill. I know that this is 'normal' and that it will happen. But it fucking frightens me. It makes me think that there might not be the twinkling of something that I just can't help wanting and without that I can't entertain the fairytale. I've never played the princess, I've always been the dragon.
So To try not to push everyone away again and make life 'hard' for myself. To try not to be scared. To try and show my scars without slashing them. Fuck I'm edgy today.
Breathe. Thats all we can do. Breathe.
This self indulgent blog might not be good for my MH.
xxtron
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checkin in a bag to the cyber coat room
Date: Apr 19th, 2007 10:23:40 am - Subscribe
Mood: Somnolent, restless.
something in the real to share: Mmm water.
So venting again to the world, but still painfully short of something to say. Is there a meaning or a truth I can offer you? And if there was, would it be my place to offer it to you? I think the truth is, I just want you to know that I’m here. That I’m still here. I want to remember this feeling when the memory fades.
I’ve been trying to stop from thinking too deeply lately. Don’t worry about the mental scars, just heal the skin and let time do the rest. Its proving to be a worthwhile way of doing things. Slowly. Somehow, it isn’t as pain staking to actually take the time to do things at this moment in time. Somehow it isn’t as important to analyse what is happening. It is very likely only a brief reprieve before all the noise starts in my head again… but we will see in time.
Time isn’t my enemy, it is my friend and mentor. And for the first time in a long time, I feel like I might actually have a reasonable amount of it as an option.
So with this all happening, it comes as no surprise that I have so little to say. There is no insight, I’m painfully low on observations"due to my self imposed seclusion. And I’m just waiting to see where all this dust settles.
Something akin to happy.
Tron.
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Over under around and through
Date: Apr 18th, 2007 1:16:53 pm - Subscribe
Mood: sleepless
It is a merry dance that deprivation puts the paces of the mind through. When distilled, do we actually have more to say? Or do we simply take more care in their saying... Audience, it is as always you who decides.
So recently there has been method to my madness. And the method has been to attempt to exorcise the madness from the rigours of daily life. Such is the way of things, that even the best deep blue funks must come to an end. Or at least try to be dispelled seriously. This is a new endeavour in a world without originality.
Of course this could be a random rantation of my own. Where words are pulled from the air only to be forgotten with aquatic speed later, and revisited with a sense of amusement. Arcadia... arcadia.
So what is a life rescued from panic? How does it feel to know there might be a light at the end of the tunnel? A constant battle between what you might understand as angels and devils. And for the first time I can see the angels and devils in everyone else. There is something common in me. I no longer feel exceptional for being different. I feel trapped, in some kind of mental rut. There is something better out there I'm sure of it. I want to work toward that something else.
When you are changing yourself you often have to ask yourself is it worth it? Happy people sitting you down in therapy blowing smoke up your arse about how well youre coping with your deepest darkest urges. And it all feels a little bit like the blind leading the blind. You can't understand what it is like to be in this position or you couldn't have any effect lifting me out of this blackness. Empathy might just be over rated. Perhaps you actually have to have no sense of empathy to maintain that stalwart disposition that getting better is actually worth it. But to return to point, if they are really truly happy as they sit there in those bland pathetic rooms provided for my wellbeing, then they don't know how delicious it is to be deep and dark and different. And I certainly can't empathise with happy. Which one of us has the angel and which one has the devil? Isn't there something to be gained on BOTH sides?
All I know is that by separating myself for some time now from people who indulge that deep dark well of mentality, I've started to climb the fuck out. Still got some fingernails left in these wicked claws and the sludge might be drying up on the walls. Don't know what I'll look like when I get to the top, but there is someone up there shouting "Put your fucking back into it" and if I don't get out of this shithole, its not going to be their problem, its just going to be mine. I don't know if I'm making any sense.. I'm very tired these days. Perhaps its all the fighting in my mind.
Take care all.
Tron
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Oneiromancy
Date: Apr 5th, 2007 1:34:21 pm - Subscribe
Mood: if bloated is a mood, I choose bloated
something in the real to share: bloated?
Wanted, amateur oneiromancer.
Last night I dreamed that there were huge waves crashing in at the beach near where I live. The waves started small and grew bigger and bigger. They somehow engulfed my wallet, and some coins I had. There was a pile of coins on the bottom of the sand. I wanted to go into the waves and get the coins. I wanted my money. I had to buy milk. But the waves were too big. They just kept getting bigger. They were huge. My fear over ran my desire to get the coins from the bottom.
Eventually, and I’m not quite sure the outcome after this point, I realised that there was nothing I could do and that I should give up on the coins, rather than being drowned by the sea.
There are certain themes to this dreamtime cinema. There is the beach, violence, the house where I spent most of my childhood, there are the dreams about hating people, natural disaster dreams, esp tornados, and there are the dreams about my mother. These are patterns that recur for me.
Interesting. Does anyone else remember their dreams? Or care to relate them? Does anyone else see common patterns in their dreams or nightmares? Or even things that provoke them to dream certain things.
I have a lot of dreams about the coast, which could simply owe to the fact that I live on the coast. But I’d be exceptionally interested to know if these things, natural disasters near the coast, mean something… universally speaking. Although I doubt that anything of that nature would be even remotely possible.
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thought about the plants in the garden
Date: Apr 3rd, 2007 9:36:55 am - Subscribe
Mood: zealous
What is it that finally pushes a friendship over the edge and destroys it? And when this happens can it be salvaged with an apology and a heartfelt conversation? What is it that defines our compatibilities with other people? Is there a genetic click with another person or do we grow these friendships like plants and then watch them wither untended and die.
Sometimes one person will uproot the friendship with a cruel, unnecessary or unintentional blow. In which case, the plant, if you will, dies swiftly. In such cases it is possible to regrow the plant"if we care to indulge this metaphor, provided the green wood stays alive. And sometimes I believe the friendship is a weed which chokes the garden of our minds, and must be poisoned, although in doing this we harm ourselves with the toxins.
I don’t know. This is simply a musing tonight. This is simply a brief rattle on the nature of our human organisation and I think there may be more to come on this subject, as it is a fascinating one.
Xx Tron
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all gone
Date: Mar 31st, 2007 12:35:18 pm - Subscribe
Mood: placid
I've been rattling off my mental health in this blog for the last four months or more. In fact, it is quite arguable that the entire project was a mediation between myself and the world.
I'm taking some downtime from the internet to try and really get a hold on the new found stability that I have gained. I'll still be posting, but my posts will have less of a 'dear diary' feel about them, and hopefully represent my creative capabilities better, my philosophical beliefs, my musical tastes, and my amusement with the human existence as a whole.
When I took down the two hundred or so posts, I saw the development of a person. Thankyou for those who have been with me on the ride for most of the way.
Take care all.
xxx Tron
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