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A friend told me something today that I just found really hard to swallow. He told me that he'd considered and got a referral to go to a psych and have himself checked out just in case there was something about him that just might show up in a personality test for a job or something somewhere along the line. I couldn't get my head around it. I told him that if he were really worried about his mental health and he was finding that there was some kind of impairment or some kind of distress in his life that he felt he could attribute to psychological reasons then yes, he should get treated. But he seemed to think that psychologists are the only people who can accurately and reliably tell you about little things to do with your own person that you won't be able to recognise yourself. I tried to explain to him that this wouldn't be any use anyway. You can lie on personality tests and you can lie to a psych. They aren't some kind of soul percieving machine that's going to suddenly be able to diagnose you so that you can look out for other situations like that in the future. I tried to explain that there are certain stigmas around mental illness (maybe even rightfully so? Subject for another blog) that he could do without. I tried to explain that when you get involved in all of this you can quite easily manifest symptoms. You can go in a normal healthy person and you can come out a jibbering wreck! He still seemed to think that there was some method to his 'madness'. Its a tell tale sign of society that my friend can sit there and over diagnose himself and his family and be okay with that. Perhaps they are a little dysfunctional, but it doesn't mean that they have mental illness. I mean, to some degree we all have illnesses in our body. Very few people get through the day without any kind of ache or pain. Without any kind of imperfection in their body and I think that a person's mind is just the same. We all can find symptoms that will match the diagnosis if we look hard enough. I just think that its a bees hive and should be left alone unless it interferes with your life. There are so many people out there struggling with mental illness. Its a pandemic. But we don't seem to be able to stem the flow of the disease. We don't seem to be able to stop the cause of the illness. We don't seem to be able to make people really better. And at the same time we don't want to let them be sick because they remind us that society as a whole generally seems to fail most people... fuck its a head spin isn't it. Well I hope you're all brave enough out there to just accept yourselves for who you are, without needing that fucking diagnosis of what you are. Night bloggosphere. Tron |
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Its early in the morning. Well, early as far as I'm concerned. its 9:10 in the am. I'm not interested in being asleep although sleep would probably do me a world of good. I can feel the bags underneath my eyes. I should get up and get myself a coffee, step outside and actually enjoy this overcast but still beautiful morning. But I'm not. I'm sitting here compelled once more to write my sweet nothings to you world. Sitting here not saying so very much that I would like to. Sometimes its best not to pen a confession. I'm now starting to feel like "the drugs don't work, they just make it worse still i know I'll see your face again". I'm starting to look into my mind and see corridors where there were wals. All these fucking dorrs and windows. I don't dare open or peer out. Ctrl Alt Esc. I think something is happening in my neurochem again. Its doing things that I thought it had well and truly given up on. I'm becoming a person I don't want to be again. There are so many things that I wish I could change... for fuck sake tron: hold your cards a little closer to your chest honey. I'm not a very good writer. I'm cliche and unimaginative at the moment and its eating me. I'm trying my best to come up with things that I can hold up and say: excellent, this was done by me. When you read this you're going to see something that you are going to remember for the rest of your life. But it isn't happening. I'm not making that. I'm not being that person... I'm falling so far from the person that I want to be... "I'll see you on level six, I'll stop in and say hello on my way through" Tron |
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I went to the doctors today for some shots and a check up. Had to get a letter of support for my scholarship. Talked about how things have been in a decline lately. I've been confused. I've felt like a spectator watching a madman... like a rich woman in bedlam watching the festivities, but with the sudden and pervasive discomfort that you'd get if you suddenly realised that one of the patients was a close family member. So i've been privy to my own debilitation. Argumentative, unstable, more 'difficult'. So the solution for now is new meds. I know that seems like the easy way out, and thats because it is. Thats because I know I can get that sorted. I don't have to worry about appointments with people I don't feel comfortable seeing. To make matters really wonderful tonight I've got a dripping nose. Literally... Its fucked. It's gross. I'm all kinds of messed up today. Here's hoping that these new meds can join forces with my old meds and together they can stabilise my fucking moods finally. I just want to be happy... Tron |
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Today was another great triumph for the pharmaceutical sector of society once again proving that humans on drugs are far superior to sober humans. "a gram is better than a damn" I've caught up on much of the work I've been missing out on due to illness and begun a new course of mood stabilising goodness which should hurtle me into the coming weeks with a calm faced momentum. The strange feeling of standing outside a crowded room and not being able to make out what people are saying has mostly faded for now and the feeling of social paranoia, while still there, is at least manageable for now... you all love me right? Things in my relationship are good and the gnawing longing for the past has faded. I'm getting tired of dreaming things that seem real, so real that when you wake up, you almost relive the fresh feeling of grief that realigning yourself with the waking world brings. Its a pristine grief that I turn to on my pillow when my eyes open. it can be overcome This butterfly effect of waking and sleeping is probably the single most destabilising feeling that anyone could experience. Its a ground hog day of pain. But Life is so much more than these emo rantings and while I'm up up up and away on pseudoeffadrine, the world looks so pretty between the clouds. Loving you all... loving myself... loving life... not thinking about dying. Tron |
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Someone spoke to me this week about sleeping forever. And it stuck with me. When I was younger I used to like the thought of sleeping through bad or undesirable or painful things unitl they were over. I used that technique a little bit when I broke up with Sam, but it didn't work. I just slept and every time I woke up, I had to remind myself what had happened and relived that fresh pain all over again. Tonight I'm not sleeping. I haven't slept a wink. I took a nap earlier on in the day so I couldn't doze off when I went to bed at 2am. Now it's nearly 6am and i still can't sleep. So forgive me if I don't make a coherent point. There are just some things that I feel I need to get off my chest right now. I'm also awake right now because I'd like to see the sun come up. I'm sure I've got massive bags under my eyes and when I finish writing this the sun will either be already up or I'll be pillow ready. I found myself thinking about my mum again tonight. And I found myself fucking missing her like hell. I miss so many things about her that it seems that only a sleep deprived delusion can unlock from within my mind. I think I've finally gotten to a point where I'm not embarrased of the person that she is. I have thought in the past that who she is, how she physically is and everything about her rather crude manner was something to be ashamed of. Yeah thats right. I admit it ashamed. Thats a huge part of the reason I've kept her at arms length. When I was a kid, I always used to think my mum was cool. She was a fun mum. A strict mum but a fun mum. We always used to get along. It helped to have a common enemy. But as I got older she scared me. She wasn't a fun mum, she was a dangerous mum with friends who smelled bad and a host of bad habits. I used to think I was old and wise because I'd realised that I didn't have to like my mum. But now I think I'm old and wise for a different reason. I think that whatever I feel about her as a person, doesn't stop the fact that she's my mum. And that means when I feel like a chat at 6am she's the person that I should be able to call. Whenever I'm lonely or unsure she's the one I should be able to get in touch with. I know this is a little childish, but I've got this big lonely hole in my heart where my mum should be. I lost the chance with my dad, and I used to think that it would be easier for me if my mum were dead. But she's not and I think that I'm depriving myself of something I've always wanted and needed. I really miss having a 'family'. I've tried to make other people part of my family, but there isn't that mutual obligation with people who you select as a family member. There isn't that guilt free feeling. I know that this like all my realisations won't last. I'll forget about it, get afraid of it or shy away. I'll distance myself again like I always do. Its not great but its me. The one thing you can always rely on about me is that I'm generally unrealiable. I guess what sparked all this thinking about families was some news that someone shared with me and watching other people and their families getting along in the world. Its so easy to see that and want that for yourself. It is so easy to crave that attention, that sense of belonging. One day I want my children to have a big family to be involved in. I want them to know that there's always one place where they will be unconditionally accepted. God. Damn. Don't we have the rose coloured glasses on this morning tron? You think its that fucking easy do you? You think any other family is that happy? Yeah, I do actually. And I think that I can have that for myself. I think I'm going to take a step and get in touch with my mother for my birthday this weekend... I miss her. And speaking of birthdays guess what world! I'm turning 23 this coming weekend. YAY for me. I don't know what to think about birthdays at the moment. Its not like they're that special something that you had when you were a kid (unless you're kate lol). I miss party hats and goodie bags. Now my birthday is just another reminder that I should be finished uni and out getting a degree and having a life. I've pushed myself away from my own life I think. Well tiredness is finally winning and i think I may be able to shut those lids and go to sleep... night/morning. Tron |