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I didn't notice till the walk home that I'd forgotten to take my meds... and now I'm tired because of said long walk. And its nice to take a little holiday, listen to some radiohead and let my mind do what it likes with that... Its definitely awesome to be able to take a break from the meds and have a positive day. Yeah, this writing isn't exactly high brow, lift your eyebrows, then you can smile and think how nice it is to be normal just a little bit. Wow... not making a lot of sense, but you know, happy anyway. NOT manic, just... me.  Smiles to the world.
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hey Bloggosphere... welcome to another day in the life. My time has been devoted mostly here to whinges and incoherent rants so I suppose you should get a less cryptic update into my life... I've been very scissor happy lately... loving cutting my own hair at the moment, and the results are ok... i think. I've recently met some really awesome people inn the world at large and its been great to extend the friendly hand of hello into other people's lives. Apparently I'm interesting, although I doubt that to be true. Lately I'd have to say i'm less weird and fucked up although I did cut once and only shallowly in the last week. I think I was reaching out for my old self. its hard at the moment, I've blown up the bridges to my closest friends on my wavelength... and it seems to be impossible to replace that need within my life for those things... I miss that intensity and passion... So i spoke to my other half, and explained what I need and what he can do to help that and despite my overwhelming fears that I'd get laughed at or told of as being silly, it went well and we connected better. I'm reading again at the moment. I'm reading midnight in the garden of good and evil. I miss cigarettes like all hell, and sometimes I think I see the ghost of myself sucking down a fag on the couch next to me, but I suppose this is the healthier way to be. I had a trip down to sydney a little while ago and it was awesome. I got to see some wonderful and important people to me, and it gave me a break from my life which can be quite lonely at times. I really miss the things that I used to have and the motivation to make them happen again... but its hard to find that feeling that makes you want to get up and do things sometimes... I should really take a walk methinks... I've managed to calm down a little bit after whats been an emotionally turbulent time... and it has finally seemed to come good... like nobbys finally pulling the pasha out of its arse, I've moved another block out of my mentality for now so that I can be a better person in my relationship and a better person in my life. I've found a whole lot of old writing and finally managed to put together a portfolio of current writing and I'm taking some of the half worked ideas and actually plan to run with them... so... unpretentiously yours tron |
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Every time I talk to you I end up crying. I thought it was things here, but now I realise that its you. Its talking to you, its feeling you slip away... You took another path and I can be happy until I think about you... I don't know if I'll ever get over the way things went down... not really. Now seeing you so happy there in this new life you have and watching you get further and further away... well its fucking hard... Its not a life that I can be a part of. Its not a life that I'm welcome to. Its not a life i can be happy for you in. There is no longer any place for me. There's just a hole where you used to be... So maybe the best idea for us my old love, my lost friend, is to say goodbye. Once and for all... to leave things as they are and just move on. i can't go on feeling so uncomfortable, having her happiness rubbed in my face every time I talk to you. Having you at arms length and never closer. I miss you... and missing you isn't fair. You said we would still be friends, but... are we? Are we really or do you just get some kind of guilt relief from listening to a whinge from me once in a while? So... maybe it is better if I start again and make things better and new... maybe its better if I move forward without you... maybe its better if she takes you once and for all and my life goes forward, because today in this moment you're the saddest thing in it. You're the unhappiness I don't need. You're the destroyer of things that should be better without you... I don't need that feeling. But letting you go... finally letting you go and trying to live my life without you... that seems so hard. And harder still is knowing that you wouldn't feel it... so it seems the best thing to do... You can't be an acquaintance to me... it just can't happen... But maybe if i just wait, things will pan out and somehow this nowhere land will dissipate in favor of a something and somewhere existence. I'd like that. I'd like that... Maybe in the face of that goodbyes wouldn't be necessary... but I fear thats where you're heading... there with her... and i'm not welcome to that part of your life. You would be making a choice and a life without me at all... and you said that wasn't how it was going to be... But its dying... so maybe the best thing would be to put it out of its misery? tron |
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Hello again bloggosphere. I wish i could give you something interesting and original, something that would make you beg for more and satisfy my need for a following, but my usual chaotic rants will have to be sufficient... I've started again... creating. I've started creating again. I'm drawing, badly, I'm making things... closer to thinking about words. Not yet. So perhaps back to the simple chaos of my cryptic posts and the convoluted expressions of what translates to daily nothingness.... Nothing. Slipping further into my new life. Three months without a license for crimes well known but frankly I find forgivable... So I shot my gun and then when the smoke cleared from my rusty revolver the beast was dead. And you were gone. And in all that time I never once thought you wouldn't feel it. But you prove to be Anesthetized by your new old love by your blindness... By the lies you tell yourself to make it all okay by you. And now I've just got to turn away and walk one step two step... one two step. The wound might not have been fatal... the beast might not be dead. But never underestimate my homicidal urges when it comes to this... so another day to face... another late start. another loss of motivation another hopelessness another loss of motivation... Drinks tonight! Hopefully, with an old friend... a good friend. A great friend... Fuck I can't wait. xtron |
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Women have been fighting for a long time for equality, but do we really want it? I've been thinking today when I saw en episode of some kind of reality program set in a prison. There was an altercation between one of the female guards and one of the male prisoners. This is an all male prison. This is a correctional facility. A lot of these people aren't even going to be up for parole any time soon. It got me to thinking, why would there be a woman in this facility at all? There was a female warden, and this was a female screw. But for the record, this guard wasn't a very big woman, reasonably feminine, didn't seem to be overly athletic or muscular. Does she really fit the bill for someone who is supposed to patrol, control and tame some of america's most violent male prisoners? In thinking about this I pointed out that perhaps this woman shouldn't have been there in the first place, that the job itself obviously requires more than her physicality could allow for. But my partner pointed out that if correctional officers were hired on the basis of their physicality then there would be a tension in the prison system and the prisoners would feel like they were then given some kind of subconscious permission to wage war on this enforcing system. I simply argued that part of the job description should be a capacity to defend yourself when attacked... I think there should be a psychological element too just quietly, with guards having to be the kind of people who rehabilitate these people, there should be some kind of test that they have to sit to make sure they aren't sadistic fuckers or whatever... But the point I'm trying to raise is this: This woman, whether she was sexually harassed or not really shouldn't have been in this facility with these men. I'm not saying that all women wouldn't be able to, I think some women would have the ability to defend themselves and take care of themselves in this situation, but are we really at a point with political correctness that we can't put the best person in a job because of what would be considered offensive? There are laws in place so that you can't be fired without good reason, and you have to be given an equal opportunity to do the job at hand, but realistically, are we all capable of doing the same things? Most men will be able to do most of the 'masculine' heavier jobs than most women. Thats a fact. I'm not saying that all women should be excluded, I'm just arguing for a bit more sense when it comes to where we put people. I'd argue the same thing for men who can't do the job. Some men aren't suited for these kind of jobs either. Unfortunately, it doesn't always swing back the opposite way, men can do the same things that women can do. Often there is a fact that we have to acknowledge, that we are generally built differently to our male counterparts and this will restrict us. Don't get me wrong. I'm not arguing for all women back to the kitchen or anything like that. I'm proud to be a woman, and I'm proud of what we can do. But I think we're winning battles on the wrong fronts here. Being able to work in a correctional facility isn't a gain, its some kind of stupid appeasement. Maybe I'm just on a rant here, and maybe after a little more thought I'll come back and edit all of this to be more succinct and articulate, but until then, this is the rough sketch of an idea that you might like to think about... xxtron. |