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It crept up like a silent fart in a crowded room, and then before I knew it, it was all I could smell. Depression. Changing my thoughts into unhealthy diatribes about my own worthlessness. And again, so quickly, I'm face down on cold tiles... in two three... hold two three... out two three... Trying to apply the techniques you've been espousing is always harder than it seems. But then so are most things at the moment. Life, uni life, financial life. Its a pressure cooker, and I'm a potato... getting softer and softer in the steam. Here I was saying I was in no mood for metaphors... Turned out I lied. So what now? It isn't a life to live like this. Its more disturbing knowing that this isn't the way I want to be. Knowing that this isn't the way I have to be. When you realize that there are things that you can do and you aren't helpless, every worthless moment feels like a failure. It isn't exactly productive, but it certainly helps to compound your sense of self denying stubbornness. All things must lead to a plan... The plan? Finish the uni semester off and get good grades... work on becoming better for myself and making a life outside the mad house... God I thrived on the madness... I lived in it... but its time to give it away... like smoking, feels great at the time, but the consequences are fatal... well... the consequences of life are fatal I suppose... doesn't mean I want to speed up the sand flow. |
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Mood: gelatinous something in the real to share: Putting on weight might be healthier but it does nothing for one's self esteem. |
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Waves roll in and out again. My life is changed. Parts of me have eroded away and other parts are crumbling under the weight of their unsustainable instability. Still nothing changes. I am, partially, restless. And partially lonely. I yearn for that once great enigmatic sense of self which divided me from other people. It is almost gone. Only a stubborn sense of self indulgence lets me believe that I am somehow unique in this sea of mundane, pedestrian, predictable and perfectly achievable goals. GAH! Rebelling against the picket fence dreams... does anyone get out of this alive? But on the other side of things, there is a comfort and a familiarity that comes with this simple living. There is no complication to the notion of just 'getting by'. So what sense of enigma I have lost, is replaced by a sense of longevity. Hopefully though, just hopefully, I will find some exceptional way to relate to my fellow human again... Because right now I don't know how. Tron |
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I looked up, for the first time in 15 minutes I looked up and saw the sky. The city lights were reflected in a pink band of clouds across the sky. It meant nothing, and it didn't have to mean anything to anyone. This feeling is so new to me. Once my life was filled with a sense of endless meaning. Metaphors on metaphors for the human condition. I strove to understand why people did what they do and to locate myself within that realm. I had things to say of consequence and passion. That is gone. Now there is a steady foundation for the life I think I'll be leading. There are questions and doubts in the back of my mind (is this what i want? can i do this for the rest of my life?)... And then a song comes onto the radio, as I write this and strain to keep the train of thought alive... in this moment... meaning is injected again into the void where it hasn't been for some time... And can't get past the weather The friend I thought I knew Found somethin' somewhere better So I'm hangin' on your line Thought we could speak together Don't know what it is with you You seem gone forever I'm spending all my time Driving 'round, faking clever With a girl who seem alright And another one who's better I don't know if I lied When I said we're not together But I tried to talk to you And somehow you seem gone... I know what could've been Try not to think about it Found it hard to live with this Longed to live without it My dreams have caught me out I find myself surrounded By the odds of our own ends Enough said about it I'm spending all my time Driving 'round, faking clever With a girl who seem alright And another one who's better I don't know if I lied When I said we're not together But I tried to talk to you And somehow you seem gone... I've given up some things I guess that doesn't matter Started other things I guess that doesn't matter I finally wrote your song Another unsent letter In a pile addressed to you Care of something somewhere better I'm spending all my time Driving 'round, faking clever With a girl who seem alright And another one who's better I don't know if I lied When I said we're not together But I tried to talk to you And somehow you seem gone... I'm spending all my time Driving 'round, faking clever With a girl who seem alright And another one who's better I don't know if I lied When I said that I'm together But I tried to talk to you And somehow you seem gone forever Yeah, I tried to talk to you And somehow you seem gone forever Yeah, I tried to talk to you Somehow you seem gone... And I think of the conversation we had tonight, and the strain as I tried to keep the conversation going, to hold on to you, to believe in you again... But thats inconsequential. My life is unfolding, and I'm going with the flow, but I'm not water, I'm earth, I'm growing. I have perspective. I am in love. I try so hard sometimes to be strong. Well here are my insecurities for the world, and they are there. And so much is happening and nothing at all... god I wish it made more sense... and I wish it meant more to me, to someone, to anyone. I wish I could indulge a little airy fairy significance... tronxx |
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Mood: frazzled something in the real to share: I'm warm, comfortable, a little bit overweight. A little unfit. I am average, and okay. |
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In the warm sun of the afternoon, she tells me about the relationship's disintegration. And I'm grateful that it isn't me. I can see the lessons that I've learned about love and life reflected in her story about the casualties of the failed relationship. I can see lessons I hope to have learned for my self reflected in the pale blue of her eyes. There's something deeply calming about her presence. She's like a pond, clear and clean. Occasionally there is some turbulence under the water, but never enough to cause too many ripples on the surface. She takes things in her stride. I think of her like a family member, a cousin, something distant. |
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Mood: reclusive, industrious something in the real to share: it has been flooding in my area, but the waters have gone down. |
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After another sickly sweet episode of GG, I felt compelled to re-evaluate my life... I missed that feeling of being 'young' and not really responsible for myself, just starting to take on the burden of self responsibility. I've always taken responsibility lightly, and like most things, shrugged it off when it pleased me. Thats a worrying fact, and an even more scary admission. Because my awareness of this demands my attention and requires me to address this inconsistency between what I am and my ideal me. I guess you could say in a way that I'm homesick for another part of my life. I'm homesick for the life that I used to lead... the good and the bad. At least it was familiar. Its not that this life isn't beautiful, its just... not what I'm used to. I think i feel home sick for glen martin, and the farm, and everything. But the truth is that when you move on the places change, the circumstances change. Life does not stay the way you wish it would. Time does not stand still. I'm facing an era in my life where i have to stand up and be an adult. Uni isn't 'fun' or new anymore. Its a job, leading to a job, leading to familiar routines and a predictable and safe life. This doesn't really bother me too much anymore. It was killing me for a couple of weeks, but now I think I've dealt with it. There's just that homesickness for the familiar. In that way I've missed *** a lot lately. He used to be such a large part of my life and now I realise that it isn't so much him, as what I associated him with that gave me that great solace. When I had him near me, around and close, life was something I could understand. But I stood there with the torch in my hand and lit those bridges, so I guess I can't help but deal with what I've made for myself. I resolve to spend less time imagining what my life should be like and more time actually living it. I want to stop posing things all around the house and actually start doing the things that I want to do. I want to spend more time writing things by hand and getting those muscles that held me in such good stead all those years back up to scratch from their atrophied present reality. I suppose that all adults get homesick for that feeling of security and lack of responsibility that they had when they were children. I know that at the moment, I vaguely and half heartedly pine for it, but at the same time know that I will be a mother eventually, I'll be the parent giving that to other children... I guess I just miss having and being a part of a family... given my family's disfunctionality. Damn this is a rather long rant for me tonight. But it feels good to get this out. This is important to me. take care tron |