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that you're too good? Me neither till today. |
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I can't seem to remember life sitting down and promising me that it would be fair. So it should come as no surprise to me that when I find a little piece of happiness the worlds of those I love destabilise. I've finally found something lasting. Something positive. Something geared toward the same goals as I am with someone who treats me better than I deserve to be treated. And it comes to that breaking point in so many relationships around me. Are we meant to find monogamous happiness? Is love settling for what you think you need? I've been burned by love myself. And frankly, its a bitch. We all know that. There is little point to this self indulgent rant. I wanted to come on here and proclaim how stable and happy I am. To tell the world that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That I'm breathing, that I'm treading water, floating on my back and no longer blinded by the sunlight... But it just seems too tasteless to spend time writing about that when the see saw effect makes me feel like i'm robbing others of their happiness to have a shot at something real and lasting... when it seems and always has seemed like the only way to take pain out of the world has been to bear the burden myself as long as I can. It seems... All I can do is be the open ear waiting for the world to tell me its problems, and maybe I'll one day believe that my own happiness can come without a price. Maybe one day I'll finally find something to stand up and fight for, rather than being ready to lay down and die when trouble hits. Maybe one day I'll know how to go about the fight and then laying down won't actually be the best option. I don't know this is a rather long and uninspired rant from a rather overtired person who would like to believe in an almost hedonistic world where people can be happy. Take care world. Tron |
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Out into the void I vomit another uninspired nothing about my generally uninspired life. Yet, in the lack of inspiration is a calmness, a stillness. Perhaps even a lack of inertia. But its not so bad. Lately through recent events I've felt like I've grown. If I look at my rather pragmatic self at this point in time, I can see changes which, although certainly not a finished product, lead me to where I think I want to be and who I want to be at some random point in the future. Last night I went to a festival and was overcome and not unsurprisingly amused by the antics of most of the people there. Sat in my comfy jeans and joggers, under a couple of layers of warm clothes, I realised something about the human condition and its mating ritual. Standing calmly held by my other half and happily enjoying the music, it was different to not be running amok in the crowd, trying to get people to notice me. I don't need to be noticed. |
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yesterday... mothers day. It really shows that we're in the digital age that the first correspondance I have from my mother in five years is a text message. I was partially shocked. Partially unhappy. Partially angry. All surprised. How is it that after so long she thinks a text message will fill the void between us? Me, a 23 year old. Essentially orphaned my whole life, and now she thinks she can play a part in my life? I am so weary of my family. It is as if their sole goal in life is to take credit for my achievements. When I'm doing well they think they had something to do with it. When I'm not they spread viscious lies and attempt to manipulate me. Wait, they do that when they are unhappy too. How does a person who is motherless, fatherless, appreciate these stupid hallmark holidays? She comes from nowhere when she comes. All smiles and "I love you"s sprinkled with "You make me so proud". But I'm not proud of you. I find solace or pleasure in nothing that you do. She weeps with happiness at my smile and all the while I cringe, through gritted teeth, a generous snarl. She breezes in and out, She breezes all about. Never there when needed, still always needy. And she thinks she can take credit for me. Just because you utililsed your uterus, doesn't make you a mother. And the last time I checked, the umbilical cord was cut twenty three years ago. You're supposed to make something yourself after that... and you never did. Impermanence. Love that shifts like saturated sand under my life. I can't stand Where your lies lie. I can't breathe in your deciet. I can't live on your dissapointments alone. So I've lived alone Needing... Something more than you were ever capable of giving... I don't know world... Do I make a call and try and put old demons to rest? Do I keep whinging to my gp and my therapist? WHAT DO I DO? Do I do nothing? as always Tron |
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Last night we spoke, you and I. We organised an agreement to amalgamate our households, not in name, just location. Name comes later. I was afraid that you wouldn't compromise. A fact you found funny. And when I cried you laughed. At the time I was insulted, but now I hope I know what you meant; that it would be stupid for me to have such fears. So this thing is happening. Perhaps faster than we planned. But why wait? Why not gamble all on number 26 and hope that it comes good. Because I love you. |