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Last night I went to a birthday party. It was a gathering of old school friends. We have known each other for more than 10 years. That feels kind of strange. Looking around them all. They're so straight laced really. They're not perfect, but they seem to get through life ok. I was the only one in the group without a job, Still at university. Of course, on paper I can tell them that I'm doing my second degree. It doesn't matter that I don't mention that I didn't complete the first one. It felt strange reminiscing. And now I've got a partner who fits their mold better than I ever did. I can't pretend to be some arty farty type anymore can I? I dislike looking back on the past, but I'm still around. I'm still seeing the same group of friends. I'm still doing the same old things. I'm still stuck at uni... I'm so ready to move into the future. I see my future as having a job, working hard, having a great relationship with my partner, who has been absolutely adorable lately, and as being safe, secure and comfortable enough that I can exppress myself in my free time. I don't want to end up a shell of my old self. I'm still frightened of things, but I'm not going to let that be a problem for me anymore. Motivate me. |
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Its early, and raining. Skinny leg boots, small buttocks and bad haircuts abound at the only open coffee location on camus. People sho up with "I just woke up" hair do's and "I'm late for class" walks. People order coffees with the urgency of "I've got to get back I might miss something". People sit alone, or together and discuss things. Im sitting alone. I'm wondering what I can do to make myself more comfortable, to make the rain stop, to make the sun shine. I am trying to convince the wind to stop blowing, the trees to grow faster, the climate to renig on its pan to destroy me, because it is too early. Suddenly I notice, over the pop radio rubbish, that the coffee cart has resorted to its false sincerity by calling the names of the people who it serves. I despise this, and although I have some ideas why I'm not 100 percent sure they are the root of the matter. In intend to talk about this with my therapist. I type without looking at the screen. I pretend to be fascinated with the rain swirls and this generates a real fascination with the apparently cross directional down pour. I've created myself into a character. I've made myself into a morning story. |
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For those that know who I am and that I can be found here, this is my confession. This is something that shame would have made me hold back in the past, but perhaps the truth is the best way to setting myself free... The night before last, I attempted suicide. My partner had to hold me down forcibly to make sure that I didn't eat enough pills to actually do the job. I was taken to the hospital, and there bloods were taken and things were ok. They didn't pump my stomach. Tim's intervention meant that I couldn't swallow a fatal dose. I had been out drinking, and I knew lately that alcohol fueled my suicidal tendencies. I knew that after a few drinks I would play chicken with myself, practically dare myself to do what I couldn't do when I was sober. I'm now in a position where I can no longer drink. My relationship is hanging by a thread, because who would really want to make a life with someone intent on shortening their own? My partner is shaken, in fact, he's disturbed. I'm left thinking that perhaps the best thing would be for me to leave in case I disappoint him again. I'm terrified that in some perverse way, if I don't leave first, he'll leave me. So this is my confession. I'm here, just trying to make sense of it all.... |