break my heart again, for old times sake.
Date: May 22nd, 2008 6:17:44 am - Subscribe
Every time I sit down to write something here I come up against a wall. It is made of reasons not to write, reasons to just walk away from this...
the foundation is a loyalty to paper, and a fear of readers. Its a judgement avoidance. It is cemented to the next layer by a conviction that I have nothing to say. The next layer is the certainty that the whole exercise is futile... wasteful of so many things... time, energy, thoughts, little pieces of myself so optimistically cast into the world and lost in the swamp of other people's needs... need to be recognised, need to be loved.
the wall builds itself up higher and higher with layers of failed attempts... and is decorated by my own self scorn and my distaste for the process.
The wall protects me from you all... and traps me within myself.
there is so much to say. and no reason at all to say it to anyone. I am utterly convinced that no one is listening. I am utterly convinced that the exercise of opening up to others does little more than push them away further from me in the times when I need them the most.
I am tired of listening.
I am tired of not listening.
I am afraid of not hearing
I am terrified of not being heard.
There came a point when, without the structured inescapable environments to pressured people closer and closer through their shared captivity, I realised that I had lost the capacity to connect in meaningful ways to those around me.
I am ready again to trust someone, completely, but how do I find that someone? How do I reach out and find someone who would not see me as a burden? I need that person with the right mix of empathy and understanding, interest and forgiveness, similar experiences, and self resolve... the right person... someone to be very close to and share with. I am ready for a new friendship. I am ready to nourish and be nourished... but I am behind so many walls.
How do you reach out to people?
This seems like a first step.
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hippiefied - May 22nd, 2008
end-of - May 22nd, 2008