tron's Blog

Don't worry... Don't panic!
Date: Apr 20th, 2007 11:26:40 pm - Subscribe
Mood: edgy


When I write here, I imagine what he would say to my words if he read them. If he came to this, my sacred existence. And he laughs in my mind. Maybe he wouldn't laugh. But he would definately see that this is an inflated sense of self. He'd see that this is something he will never understand.

What do you do as a depressed person when your partner is incapable of empathising with depression?

What do you do when its dawning on you that you created, manifested, nurtured the sickness inside yourself... and you liked it...

So I'm fighting my own baby here.
I'm fighting the intellectual side of myself.
I'm fighting the misanthropy.
I'm fighting the self that hates picket fences.
trying not to become a hateful dichotomy.
trying to be safe
not scared.
not scarred.

Again I come to the point where I have to ask myself what is most important. Ask myself why I want to get better. Its for a chance at something more fulfiling.

Why get better?

Why?
Why?
Why?

Is happy any better than sad? Yeah miserable is as miserable does maybe?

I'm just tired. I feel like the last couple of days I've been pushing shit up hill. I know that this is 'normal' and that it will happen. But it fucking frightens me. It makes me think that there might not be the twinkling of something that I just can't help wanting and without that I can't entertain the fairytale. I've never played the princess, I've always been the dragon.

So To try not to push everyone away again and make life 'hard' for myself. To try not to be scared. To try and show my scars without slashing them. Fuck I'm edgy today.

Breathe. Thats all we can do. Breathe.

This self indulgent blog might not be good for my MH.

xxtron
Comments: (2)

pura - April 23rd, 2007 i'm reading 'choke'. Maybe getting better is another distraction. To just get through to the end. Stay distracted. Other then that. I've always seen the artistic and musical as being the unspoken heroes. the best being the miserable. They just seem more real to me. Being happy now. i'm happier then ever. but i miss misery, then i go back, almost like an addiction. the majority of my blogs are going back to misery. and i don't mind it. in fact i like it, because i'm at my artistic best when i write. i make sense and it makes me able to be happy to have this misery. There are no rules. Order and Inorder are just grids. The truth is we are chaotic, the universe is. smoothing it out so when something beneficial happens and calling it order is just trying to tell people the universe is harmonic. Soz. lol, discordian rant... Anyway. Sorry i haven't been around much, HSC trials and bands and social issues. crazy phycho schizoid people. including me hang in there, sis. I will too. -Bro

anonymous - April 25th, 2007 Just take your soma Lisa...it'll all work out then...

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