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emogirlie My Dreams Are Coming True. - Subscribe

So... I used to blog on here all the time... a long time ago. Some of you may remember me. I was pretty depressing... complaining a lot and such. Telling disgusting and dirty secrets...

I got rid of all my blogs because I'm over that part of my life. Anyway, I did blog about how I was going to publish a book one day. Well, I'm doing it. A publishing company accepted me. The book's going to be out in ebook, audiobook, paperback, and maybe hardcover by next summer. I'm psyched. But... I knew it would happen. If you want something THAT bad... eventually it'll happen.

Things have been going so well for me. I'm just radiating light and love and joy.

Read The Power of Now. It helped me A LOT... with life in general. It'll help you too... even if you "don't need help..."

That's all. Just randomly felt like coming back here. Every once and a while it is nice to return to the past.

1 Comments
Mood: A little buzzed. :O

tear I dislike being alone. Oct 4th, 2008 3:07:21 am - Subscribe

So I guess today is one of those days
and tonight is one of those nights

I'll smoke a thousand ciggerates and leave my thoughts behind.

I'll take a few pictures, of my face, body and hands. Pretend that there's folks with me, that I'm laughing not feeling sad.

Coughing my lungs out, while I slam the telephone into the door. Strumming a perfect guitar, thinking these lonely nights are not so bad.

But I'll smile because I'm used to this. Being lonesome listening to the radio. These friday nights make me feel weaker, even though I'm stronger inside.

2 Comments
Mood: insane

end-of quietest loneliest. Sep 27th, 2008 3:40:21 am - Subscribe

words
that die on
my tongue,

once
sole respite,
cage me -

accuse me
of ignoring
the truth.

I don't
want these
words.

my head
echoes with
absence.

my head a
graveyard for
words unsaid -

unholiest peace.

-

words move in;
use up all
the sugar;

trash my
fragile state
of unthinking;

tear off the
wallpaper,
exposing cracks.

I kill words
on the doorstep,
pre-emptive.

my domain
is of silence
and bitterness.

no one knocks
on my door
anymore:

loneliest relief.

0 Comments
Mood: tired.

imaginary sigh. Aug 29th, 2008 9:14:45 pm - Subscribe

A brief meditation on why I hate everything right now:

- I am sick. I feel like my head is encased in a glass fishbowl.

- People annoy me. Especially children. Especially the sound of their voices. This is problematic given my job choice.

- Today is the last day of work, which, while being a good thing, also kind of sucks because I don't think I will see any of these people again and it reinforces the fact that I have to start EVERYTHING over again in less than a week.

- I'm feeling completely alone, and to top that off nicely, everyone that matters to me is off having fun in BC.

Things I've learned the hard way:
- Never go anywhere without kleenex or the like. EVER.
- Hauling it out of bed earlier and having breakfast results in a much better day than sleeping until you nearly miss the bus.
- Travel when you have the opportunity.
- Don't learn the same lesson twice.

More to come, probably.

0 Comments
Mood: forlorn.

tear Modest Mouse is great. Jun 22nd, 2008 5:06:50 am - Subscribe

Is this secultion, isolation? I'm really not sure. Anymore.

2 Comments
Mood: jinxed

tear So true right now. Jun 20th, 2008 7:36:33 am - Subscribe

You know what? I think you're too stable for both your dad and your mom. I think they are pulling you down.

Like your parents are not bad people, don't think I am saying that.

But I think you have your own .. self, and they are trying to pull you in opposite directions.

And it's fucking confusing you emotionally
Tiffany and Ramsay says:
If they left you alone to sort shit out, I so think you'd be happy

<3

0 Comments
Mood: dizzy

end-of adrift. Jun 18th, 2008 5:24:00 am - Subscribe

I drift; afloat
upon the tides
of time and emotion;
the waves of

my life:
a restless sea
uneasy and ever
shifting beneath me.

only glimpses,
in sunless moments,
reveal the depth;
the weight;
the darkness,

below the
surface upon which
I ride, balancing
so precariously -
it beckons,

it threatens
to overwhelm;
to pull me
in and under.

the instants of
shaken resolve
and loneliness cast me
close to the edge,

where I view
in dizzying clarity
the fathoms-deep
despair awaiting

and reel back
from the drop,
the light in me refusing
to be extinguished -
my saving grace.

adrift from all anchorage
save for that
within myself;

I sail on
over the deep, endless
grey ocean - alone.

0 Comments
Mood: precarious.

tear An old poem Jun 17th, 2008 8:08:14 am - Subscribe

Kill your beauty

Your Royal fucking heighness awaits

Upon the toadstools

Around the corners

off every forien block

awaits your prince

to take you away

too hollywood street

white powder

nose candy

(oh your so lucky, oh your so lucky)

airbrushed face

her sweet escape

Venice Beach

faces in the sand

making you glad

for the friends you never had

{oh your so lucky, yeah your fucking lucky}

into the ocean

wash away

purple drips

from your veins

watch them swell

oh watch them well

0 Comments
Mood: royal

tear Running out of ciggerates, running out of my new found youth. Jun 16th, 2008 5:42:04 am - Subscribe

Alchohalic demons
sweet tempations
yeah they run through my kind; Of stepped on grass, broken glass, no class.
We ladies are easy to find

The demon at my door step
Livin' no more than 2 kilomanters ahead

They run through my head
I want a drink this second
Theres a man sleeping in my bed

My veins are virgin viens, never been tampered with.
Only dreams, with sweet needles, pricking, making itself home again.
I'm howling in my sleep
the demons at my doorstep again.

( Do not fucking steal)

0 Comments
Mood: bummed

imaginary lonely. Jun 16th, 2008 5:19:31 am - Subscribe

I'm afraid right now. I don't know what to do. I don't know how I will be alright.

I don't want to fall back into misery, but I can feel it pull me. No matter how I try to look at things, it comes back to the fact that I'm alone, unwanted, unwantable.

I know in myself I have a huge, shining saving grace. I don't know what it is in nature. But it catches me in the end, always. Or at least prevents me from falling too fast.

But I don't want despair. I don't want loneliness and pain. But I'm learning to listen to myself. I'm learning that throwing my affection and my hopes on the first person who catches my eye does not result in me not being lonely. Yes, maybe for almost a week. But not for long enough.

I live for the next person who will lift my heart.

0 Comments
Mood: exasperated

imaginary Freedom. Jun 14th, 2008 5:21:55 pm - Subscribe

It bothers me that I don't feel I can write as freely here as I once could. I've already done some damage by forgetting that words (sometimes especially mine) can be very powerful. I don't want to cause anyone pain.

But I still want to write. And I like Aeonity a lot, and I don't want to make a new blog. This is where my past is as well. And if I make them all private entries, I'll never receive any reflection by others. So it's frustrating. I suppose I will continue to write cryptically until I can be sure of things.

Anyway - my graduation turned out exceedingly well. And as much as I worried and ranted about it, the whole day was exciting and fun and beautiful. I felt beautiful. And confident, and desired. Even days afterwards I floated on this feeling, and even right now (more than a week later) it remains in me.

Also, I figured out some stuff. I can't be uninhibited in discussing it here, but it was a pretty nice revelation. I'm hoping yet more good will come of it. It actually kind of frustrates me that I can't write about it... hmmm.

I'd like to employ this space for a brief meditation on the birth control pill, and how it does not mix well with me. I realized this in the shower a few minutes ago, but I've been not taking it for about three months now, and I am a lot improved. It did help a lot while I was taking it, because it balanced everything out in my system. But now I'm off it. And suddenly I am happier. My moods are a lot more static and less extreme, making me a lot happier as a whole. My skin is clearer. I'm losing weight again. I eat more regularly, and even sleep more (but I don't think that is directly related. It's probably more as a result of everything else.) So, without delving too deeply into my medical life, I just wanted to point out that sometimes messing around with the human body can make you a lot less happy than leaving it to do its own thing.

And with that, I depart.

0 Comments
Mood: feeling good.

end-of comfort eluded. Jun 9th, 2008 1:07:41 am - Subscribe

I wish I
were wiser.

three days later

I put away
my shoes
and my expectations

after that

I stop
looking at all
the photographs

and when that's done

slowly
I accept
that it's really over.

one of these
days, I'll learn

but until then
I'll probably
let me down.

the dress hangs
on the closet door;
I expect no more from it.

the chaos of good times
made irrelevant
by the reality I face.

I wish there
were more to me
than wishing

my life is one big
good intention
left unmanifest.

1 Comments
Mood: disappointed.

imaginary endings and battles. Jun 2nd, 2008 2:59:43 am - Subscribe

I'm supposed to be writing paragraphs on UN peacekeeping missions right now, but I am a mess. If I don't write I will soon fall apart.

I can't put these thoughts into any organized or elegant narrative - they must come out, unpolished as they are.

In three days I am graduating from high school - but it's more than that. In three days I am marking my departure from the place I have grown up, the school I have attended for twelve years, the people I love and am close to. I am saying goodbye.

Well, sorry, but I'm quite abysmal at saying goodbye in general. This is why I am a mess. In my heart, I am ready to leave. In my brain and the parts of me that determine my emotional state, I don't know what my life is like without that place and those people. This is the end of my childhood and adolescence. I'm going to be a basket case. I have been feeling weepy for weeks already.

THEN, putting aside the significance, there's the actual event itself. I don't think I have obsessed this much over a single evening in the course of my life. It's getting ridiculous.

The thing is, I know it will be fun. But I also know there is no possible way for me to avoid dwelling on the subject of my date during the evening.

There really is nothing wrong with my date - except for who he isn't. Believe me, I appreciate the fact that he exists (in the form of my date) at all.

It's just that I envisioned my grad very differently. And it hurts. Because it was so important, and now I don't have a clue what it will be like. I don't think aforementioned date likes me very much as a person, which kind of takes the sparkle of possibility off of things, right? Not to mention that my self-esteem has taken a dive recently and I can't actually imagine anyone looking at me in a good way anymore. I wish I was small, quiet, pretty and fun. I'm not.

I try hard to love myself, but the main problem there is that my love isn't good enough for me. I need to be loved by other people. I want appreciation so badly. Yes, I am glad to have been asked to go to grad. I don't care too much about what the intent was, but I am fairly sure it was a just-as-friends invite, which is good all things considered. I just wish I could feel beautiful or confident or AT LEAST comfortable, or be attractive for the evening and feel wanted. How is that going? So far, it isn't. I look at myself and I don't see much that is beautiful or that I can feel confident in. I just see that my arms are fat and I can't dance and no one will look twice at me because my personality isn't exactly a beacon.

I think this could just be a bad day. I think that earlier in this week I told myself I was happy the way I am. Well, a day of bra shopping is bad for my self-image, for sure. And that scale having been broken hasn't exactly helped.

Being "nice" isn't good enough any more. I am through with being wanted around because of my "nice"ness. Once I graduate from Westmount, I will lose everyone that knows me as me. Maybe that means I don't have to be "nice" anymore. Maybe I can be pretty or fun or interesting or creative instead of "nice".

The problem there is that I AM "nice". That would be me. I am not especially anything else. My most noticeable quaility is compassion and kindness. I know that is a good thing. I am glad that people recognize it. I just wish that there were some other good reasons to keep me around, you know?

Anyway... I'm done, I think. I'm not happy with the scale; it's not aiding me in the battle to love myself.

Clarity is most definitively needed.

0 Comments
Mood: shutting down.

emogirlie The Bitch Posse May 27th, 2008 7:29:21 pm - Subscribe

Hey! I just read The Bitch Posse. It was the best read I've had in a long time!! Go out and read it today! SOOO GOOD! Here's the synopsis:

These are the confessions of the Bitch Posse. Cherry, Rennie, and Amy were outcasts, rebels, and dreamers. And their friendship was so all-encompassing that some would call it dangerous. This is the story of three women �" as seniors in high school and as women in their mid-thirties �" who formed a bond in order to survive the pitfalls and perils of their lives.
In the present day, one of them is a wife and mother-to-be, trying to live a "normal" life. One of them is a writer who engages in a number of self-destructive relationships. And one of them is in a mental hospital �" and has been ever since that one fateful night fifteen years ago, when a heart-wrenching betrayal and the unraveling of relationships led them to a point of no return, where their actions triggered unimaginable consequences. These secrets have torn them apart while inextricably binding them to one another. What happened to them? And can they survive their shared history, even today?

The Bitch Posse is an anthem for friendships that defy society's approval or disapproval. It's a novel of secrets, courage, sacrifice, and hope against the odds. It is both a journey back to being a girl on the verge of adulthood, and a journey forward, showing how the events of our past can unearth the best in us today.

Dare to jump in.

1 Comments
Mood: whatever

tear I need to breathe this out someway, somehow. May 23rd, 2008 7:47:28 am - Subscribe

Ah yes.
The age of Seventeen, Becoming Eighteen. Into a women. I feel like such a child sometimes. Then again, I'm really connected to my inner child. Sun is finally here, more and more each day. Not sure what to make of it lately. The heat, My birthday is in 3 months.

Life in itself.

The intensity is killing me
overwhelming back breaking me
These pills are doing too little, too much
For my unstaining mind. And this time seems to be going by so goddamn fast, The time that is slow, Highs and lows.

Although I find myself in verdigo. Standing still, but spinning; ill. The good ones never last for long, Wailing in the spring rain. Folks that never stay, never stay long, never fucking stay sane.

Fuck the lust, Fuck the love, Fuck the drugs and the powder, as my best friend is stiffing up her nose. This blows. From the second she brings him to her mouth. The blow it which she demands her indulges.

1 Comments
Mood: queasy

end-of solitude. May 23rd, 2008 2:42:51 am - Subscribe

a sanctuary lost.

no longer
can I stand alone.
there is no comfort
in solitude.

my voice, once
the most steadying
sound in my world,
no longer speaks to me.

there is no shelter
left for me,
nor in me.
I seek respite in you.

turn me not away.

1 Comments
Mood: stressed.

tear I'm going to try this. May 22nd, 2008 9:03:18 pm - Subscribe

Series of 100

This is for an art project, find an image, create an image, capture, photograph it.

1. Introduction
2. Love
3. Light - [link]
4. Dark - [link]
5. Seeking Solace
6. Break Away
7. Heaven
8. Innocence
9. Drive
10. Breathe Again
11. Memory - [link]
12. Insanity
13. Misfortune
14. Smile - [link]
15. Silence - [link]
16. Questioning
17. Blood
18. Rainbow
19. Gray - [link]
20. Fortitude
21. Vacation
22. Mother Nature
23. Cat
24. No Time
25. Trouble Lurking
26. Tears
27. Foreign
28. Sorrow
29. Happiness
30. Under the Rain
31. Flowers
32. Night - [link]
33. Expectations
34. Stars
35. Hold My Hand
36. Precious Treasure
37. Eyes - [link]
38. Abandoned
39. Dreams
40. Rated
41. Teamwork
42. Standing Still
43. Dying
44. Two Roads
45. Illusion
46. Family
47. Creation
48. Childhood
49. Stripes
50. Breaking the Rules
51. Sport
52. Deep in Thought
53. Keeping a Secret
54. Tower
55. Waiting
56. Danger Ahead - [link]
57. Sacrifice
58. Kick in the Head
59. No Way Out
60. Rejection
61. Fairy Tale
62. Magic - [link]
63. Do Not Disturb
64. Multitasking
65. Horror
66. Traps
67. Playing the Melody
68. Hero
69. Annoyance
70. 67%
71. Obsession
72. Mischief Managed
73. I Can't
74. Are You Challenging Me?
75. Mirror
76. Broken Pieces
77. Test
78. Drink
79. Starvation
80. Words
81. Pen and Paper
82. Can You Hear Me?
83. Heal
84. Out Cold
85. Spiral
86. Seeing Red - [link]
87. Food
88. Pain
89. Through the Fire
90. Triangle
91. Drowning
92. All That I Have
93. Give Up
94. Last Hope
95. Advertisement
96. In the Storm
97. Safety First
98. Puzzle
99. Solitude
100. Relaxation

1 Comments
Mood: wrong

imaginary selfish. May 21st, 2008 1:42:19 am - Subscribe

7.17pm

Unfortunately, I find I am no longer able to mask the truth of my own selfishness.
I am a terrible, self-centered individual so absorbed in my own emotional twists and turns of drama that I do not heed anyone else's feelings.

How did I get this way?

The problem is not that I want everything I keep for myself. I don't think I am really greedy. However, I can't let things go. I am afraid to have nothing left; to be entirely alone and unwanted - so I keep what I can as long as possible. If I'm holding onto three different threads at once, it doesn't matter as much if one or even two get pulled out of my grasp, right? Chances are, all three won't be lost at once.

But if I let the other two go of my own will and then lose the last one anyway, I won't have anything to hold onto.

What makes me a horrible human being is that knowing it isn't enough to motivate me to take less.

What is wrong with me?

1 Comments
Mood: worn down.

imaginary Thoughts on my writing. May 19th, 2008 4:49:53 am - Subscribe

7.56pm

I make resolutions a lot. Is that normal? Sometimes I manage to fulfill them, but more often than not I end up where I started.

Keeping my room clean, for instance. Not going as well as I had hoped.

I have an inkling that maintenance just isn't my strength. Creativity is, but without the wherewithal to keep things going it never amounts to much. If it did, I would be surrounded by successful projects of my own design and undertaking, polished and completed.

8.05pm

I'm not. I'm surrounded by clutter and intentions. Oh, God. I'm an idea man.

8.14pm

I have a strange aversion to turning on electric lights indoors when there is still natural light to be had. I do it if I have to, but generally prefer to ruin my eyesight trying to read in half-light coming through a window. It's usually not a conscious decision. Maybe it would discourage the sun from shining. Or, perhaps, cause me not to notice the fading of the evening light.

10.06pm

When I write for myself, I write beautiful uninhibited things. When I write for public posting, everything is inane; contrived; controlled; devoid of feeling and expression.

When I write for myself and display the result publicly, all hell seems to break loose. People are often paying much closer attention than I realize - there is more perception than I bank on and explanations are due.

I forget that in my hands; in my thoughts - in my writing - words are powerful and dangerous. They are my weapon and one that I am well accustomed to using for ends both right and wrong.

I forget that the power of the written word is not only effective on their writer. However intoxicated I can become in the expression of these things, I should exercise more thought and judgment.

I write beautiful things - things that I am proud of - and place each one in prominence, to be found with only the slightest desire, but these are not what catch the attention of those whose contemplation I seek. Instead, the storms - the dark, unhappy uprisings of emotion - and the fires are what I am judged by and questioned of.

I resent it. Whole worlds I could create you out of language, full of the lovely and profound and intricate patterns that are at my disposal, but I doubt you would care to take a look deep enough to fall in. I could open flood-gates of feelings and render them as real as the sensations of your skin if you'd only consider the works I put forward to you.

You refuse to be drawn in. Words, my greatest weapon, are useless onward from the point where your eyes transfer them from the page to your mind.

Without the reader they are impotent, but are equally insignificant once within.

I repeatedly get the sense that the pen, however great, is not mightier than the sword and that I am fighting a losing battle with outdated artillery.

10.39pm

That is how I need to write more often on here. That's the variety of writing that feels the best.

0 Comments
Mood: placid.
: I'll Keep Your Memory Vague - Finger Eleven

imaginary Minor revelation. May 19th, 2008 12:25:52 am - Subscribe

Wow.

So it has now been more than a year since I last posted anything here. I'm not exactly sure why.

I read over my old entries.
Important things I realized as a product of this:
- Times change.
- I changed.
- I write very differently when I write for an imagined reader.
- But in spite of it all, I still write. Even now. Even after all these changes.
- It's been a long time since I let myself be free in my writing, because I expect too much. I miss my poems and lists; my quotes, song lyrics, rants, photos and rambles. I miss writing for its own sake.

Unimportant things I realized:
- If I'm unstable now, I was practically bipolar before. I'm considerably better now.
- I have learned a lot; gained and lost a lot.
- I'm ashamed to say that I winced a few times over what I used to write about. But that was then.

The only surprising thing I realized:
- I grew up. Apparently sometime between now and last April.

So I'm back, because I enjoy writing. I have a lot to say right off the bat, but I might let it settle out and come back later instead.

0 Comments
Mood: relaxed.