homesick for the person I used to be
Date: Jun 19th, 2007 5:12:54 am - Subscribe
Mood: homesick
something in the real to share: I'm about to clean my filthy house
After another sickly sweet episode of GG, I felt compelled to re-evaluate my life... I missed that feeling of being 'young' and not really responsible for myself, just starting to take on the burden of self responsibility.
I've always taken responsibility lightly, and like most things, shrugged it off when it pleased me. Thats a worrying fact, and an even more scary admission. Because my awareness of this demands my attention and requires me to address this inconsistency between what I am and my ideal me.
I guess you could say in a way that I'm homesick for another part of my life. I'm homesick for the life that I used to lead... the good and the bad. At least it was familiar. Its not that this life isn't beautiful, its just... not what I'm used to. I think i feel home sick for glen martin, and the farm, and everything. But the truth is that when you move on the places change, the circumstances change. Life does not stay the way you wish it would. Time does not stand still.
I'm facing an era in my life where i have to stand up and be an adult. Uni isn't 'fun' or new anymore. Its a job, leading to a job, leading to familiar routines and a predictable and safe life. This doesn't really bother me too much anymore. It was killing me for a couple of weeks, but now I think I've dealt with it. There's just that homesickness for the familiar.
In that way I've missed *** a lot lately. He used to be such a large part of my life and now I realise that it isn't so much him, as what I associated him with that gave me that great solace. When I had him near me, around and close, life was something I could understand. But I stood there with the torch in my hand and lit those bridges, so I guess I can't help but deal with what I've made for myself.
I resolve to spend less time imagining what my life should be like and more time actually living it. I want to stop posing things all around the house and actually start doing the things that I want to do. I want to spend more time writing things by hand and getting those muscles that held me in such good stead all those years back up to scratch from their atrophied present reality.
I suppose that all adults get homesick for that feeling of security and lack of responsibility that they had when they were children. I know that at the moment, I vaguely and half heartedly pine for it, but at the same time know that I will be a mother eventually, I'll be the parent giving that to other children...
I guess I just miss having and being a part of a family... given my family's disfunctionality.
Damn this is a rather long rant for me tonight. But it feels good to get this out. This is important to me.
take care
tron
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