i may know the word...
Date: Feb 4th, 2008 11:24:26 am - Subscribe
Mood: stormy
Today I read an old letter from a lot of years ago, just for me from someone who used to be very important to me. I can't throw it away just like I can't throw the old pictures away. Not yet. Maybe because there is something that I need to remember that's hidden in them.
There is an uncompromising beauty in the letter. There is a hard, undeniable truth unveiled and expressed with care and warmth. I miss that. This is truly something that I have given up in favour of other things. Something that I thought I could live without, but now I wonder.
I realised something about myself tonight. Something that I had forgotten. Something about who I am and what I really value in a relationship. Some kind of honesty and integrity and intelligence that goes beyond daily living. Somehow before things were more about the ephemeral beauty of sharing life together. Maybe that's why I was so angry before. Knowing that I had lost my chance to share that with anyone, because he had been so beautifully moulded to my needs.
But can you ever truly mould someone to your needs and is it ridiculous to expect everything to be on the table. As I grow older I realise that there is more to be appreciated in the adult world in the things that go unspoken. The bonds that are shared in a single hand held moment. The love exchanged in a brief moment.
But.
There is always a but. Is there anyone out there who would truly love to be in a space of complete openness with someone? Is there anyone out there that begs to be explored like that... who wants that physical, mental undying connection... who desires above all else the truth and the openness and the articulation of love, passion and expression??
Or was that one moment of love's enlightenment, shut off now to me forever...
Or am I just blind to the feeling because I'm so incapable with my own feelings now.?
Song for the moment:
Natalie Merchant: I may know the wold from "Tigerlily"
But not say it
I may know the truth
But not face it
I may hear a sound
A whisper sacred and profound
But turn my head
Indifferent
I may know the word
But not say it
I may love the fruit
But not taste it
I may know the way
To comfort and to soothe
A worried face
But fold my hands
Indifferent
If i'm on my knees
I'm begging now
If i'm on my knees
Groping in the dark
I'd be paying for deliverance
From the night into day
But it's all grey here
It's all grey to me
I may know the word
But not say it
This may be the time
But i might waste it
This may be the hour
Something move me
Someone prove me wrong
Before the night comes
With indifference
If i'm on my knees
I'm begging now
If i'm on my knees
Groping in the dark
I'd be praying for deliverance
From the night into the day
But it's all grey here
But it's all grey to me
I recognize the walls inside me
I recognize them all
I've paced between them
Chasing demons down
Until they fall
In fitful sleep
Enough to keep their strength
Enough to crawl
Into my head
With tangled threads
They riddle me to solve
Again and again and again
fuck what I would not give for a cigarette right now... for something to still myself... to make this fade... to slow and pacify within myself.
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