- Mental Junkyard… mind the dogs

i may know the word...	Feb 4th, 2008 11:24:26 am - Subscribe
Today I read an old letter from a lot of years ago, just for me from someone who used to be very important to me. I can't throw it away just like I can't throw the old pictures away. Not yet. Maybe because there is something that I need to remember that's hidden in them. There is an uncompromising beauty in the letter. There is a hard, undeniable truth unveiled and expressed with care and warmth. I miss that. This is truly something that I have given up in favour of other things. Something that I thought I could live without, but now I wonder. I realised something about myself tonight. Something that I had forgotten. Something about who I am and what I really value in a relationship. Some kind of honesty and integrity and intelligence that goes beyond daily living. Somehow before things were more about the ephemeral beauty of sharing life together. Maybe that's why I was so angry before. Knowing that I had lost my chance to share that with anyone, because he had been so beautifully moulded to my needs. But can you ever truly mould someone to your needs and is it ridiculous to expect everything to be on the table. As I grow older I realise that there is more to be appreciated in the adult world in the things that go unspoken. The bonds that are shared in a single hand held moment. The love exchanged in a brief moment. But. There is always a but. Is there anyone out there who would truly love to be in a space of complete openness with someone? Is there anyone out there that begs to be explored like that... who wants that physical, mental undying connection... who desires above all else the truth and the openness and the articulation of love, passion and expression?? Or was that one moment of love's enlightenment, shut off now to me forever... Or am I just blind to the feeling because I'm so incapable with my own feelings now.? Song for the moment: Natalie Merchant: I may know the wold from "Tigerlily" I may know the word But not say it I may know the truth But not face it I may hear a sound A whisper sacred and profound But turn my head Indifferent I may know the word But not say it I may love the fruit But not taste it I may know the way To comfort and to soothe A worried face But fold my hands Indifferent If i'm on my knees I'm begging now If i'm on my knees Groping in the dark I'd be paying for deliverance From the night into day But it's all grey here It's all grey to me I may know the word But not say it This may be the time But i might waste it This may be the hour Something move me Someone prove me wrong Before the night comes With indifference If i'm on my knees I'm begging now If i'm on my knees Groping in the dark I'd be praying for deliverance From the night into the day But it's all grey here But it's all grey to me I recognize the walls inside me I recognize them all I've paced between them Chasing demons down Until they fall In fitful sleep Enough to keep their strength Enough to crawl Into my head With tangled threads They riddle me to solve Again and again and again fuck what I would not give for a cigarette right now... for something to still myself... to make this fade... to slow and pacify within myself.
mood: stormy	(0) comments