- Mental Junkyard… mind the dogs

la familia	Aug 6th, 2007 8:09:00 pm - Subscribe
Someone spoke to me this week about sleeping forever. And it stuck with me. When I was younger I used to like the thought of sleeping through bad or undesirable or painful things unitl they were over. I used that technique a little bit when I broke up with Sam, but it didn't work. I just slept and every time I woke up, I had to remind myself what had happened and relived that fresh pain all over again. Tonight I'm not sleeping. I haven't slept a wink. I took a nap earlier on in the day so I couldn't doze off when I went to bed at 2am. Now it's nearly 6am and i still can't sleep. So forgive me if I don't make a coherent point. There are just some things that I feel I need to get off my chest right now. I'm also awake right now because I'd like to see the sun come up. I'm sure I've got massive bags under my eyes and when I finish writing this the sun will either be already up or I'll be pillow ready. I found myself thinking about my mum again tonight. And I found myself fucking missing her like hell. I miss so many things about her that it seems that only a sleep deprived delusion can unlock from within my mind. I think I've finally gotten to a point where I'm not embarrased of the person that she is. I have thought in the past that who she is, how she physically is and everything about her rather crude manner was something to be ashamed of. Yeah thats right. I admit it ashamed. Thats a huge part of the reason I've kept her at arms length. When I was a kid, I always used to think my mum was cool. She was a fun mum. A strict mum but a fun mum. We always used to get along. It helped to have a common enemy. But as I got older she scared me. She wasn't a fun mum, she was a dangerous mum with friends who smelled bad and a host of bad habits. I used to think I was old and wise because I'd realised that I didn't have to like my mum. But now I think I'm old and wise for a different reason. I think that whatever I feel about her as a person, doesn't stop the fact that she's my mum. And that means when I feel like a chat at 6am she's the person that I should be able to call. Whenever I'm lonely or unsure she's the one I should be able to get in touch with. I know this is a little childish, but I've got this big lonely hole in my heart where my mum should be. I lost the chance with my dad, and I used to think that it would be easier for me if my mum were dead. But she's not and I think that I'm depriving myself of something I've always wanted and needed. I really miss having a 'family'. I've tried to make other people part of my family, but there isn't that mutual obligation with people who you select as a family member. There isn't that guilt free feeling. I know that this like all my realisations won't last. I'll forget about it, get afraid of it or shy away. I'll distance myself again like I always do. Its not great but its me. The one thing you can always rely on about me is that I'm generally unrealiable. I guess what sparked all this thinking about families was some news that someone shared with me and watching other people and their families getting along in the world. Its so easy to see that and want that for yourself. It is so easy to crave that attention, that sense of belonging. One day I want my children to have a big family to be involved in. I want them to know that there's always one place where they will be unconditionally accepted. God. Damn. Don't we have the rose coloured glasses on this morning tron? You think its that fucking easy do you? You think any other family is that happy? Yeah, I do actually. And I think that I can have that for myself. I think I'm going to take a step and get in touch with my mother for my birthday this weekend... I miss her. And speaking of birthdays guess what world! I'm turning 23 this coming weekend. YAY for me. I don't know what to think about birthdays at the moment. Its not like they're that special something that you had when you were a kid (unless you're kate lol). I miss party hats and goodie bags. Now my birthday is just another reminder that I should be finished uni and out getting a degree and having a life. I've pushed myself away from my own life I think. Well tiredness is finally winning and i think I may be able to shut those lids and go to sleep... night/morning. Tron
mood: fatigued something in the real to share: i'm about to watch the sunrise.	(0) comments