maternal
Date: May 13th, 2007 7:29:53 pm - Subscribe
Mood: glum
yesterday... mothers day.
It really shows that we're in the digital age that the first correspondance I have from my mother in five years is a text message.
I was partially shocked. Partially unhappy. Partially angry. All surprised.
How is it that after so long she thinks a text message will fill the void between us? Me, a 23 year old. Essentially orphaned my whole life, and now she thinks she can play a part in my life?
I am so weary of my family. It is as if their sole goal in life is to take credit for my achievements. When I'm doing well they think they had something to do with it. When I'm not they spread viscious lies and attempt to manipulate me. Wait, they do that when they are unhappy too.
How does a person who is motherless, fatherless, appreciate these stupid hallmark holidays?
She comes from nowhere when she comes.
All smiles and "I love you"s sprinkled with
"You make me so proud".
But I'm not proud of you.
I find solace or pleasure in nothing that you do.
She weeps with happiness at my smile
and all the while
I cringe, through gritted teeth, a generous snarl.
She breezes in and out,
She breezes all about.
Never there when needed, still always needy.
And she thinks she can take credit for me.
Just because you utililsed your uterus, doesn't make you a mother. And the last time I checked, the umbilical cord was cut twenty three years ago. You're supposed to make something yourself after that... and you never did.
Impermanence.
Love that shifts like saturated sand
under my life.
I can't stand
Where your lies lie.
I can't breathe in your deciet.
I can't live on your dissapointments alone.
So I've lived alone
Needing...
Something more than you were ever capable of giving...
I don't know world...
Do I make a call and try and put old demons to rest?
Do I keep whinging to my gp and my therapist?
WHAT DO I DO?
Do I do nothing?
as always
Tron
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