Over under around and through
Date: Apr 18th, 2007 8:16:53 am - Subscribe
Mood: sleepless
It is a merry dance that deprivation puts the paces of the mind through. When distilled, do we actually have more to say? Or do we simply take more care in their saying... Audience, it is as always you who decides.
So recently there has been method to my madness. And the method has been to attempt to exorcise the madness from the rigours of daily life. Such is the way of things, that even the best deep blue funks must come to an end. Or at least try to be dispelled seriously. This is a new endeavour in a world without originality.
Of course this could be a random rantation of my own. Where words are pulled from the air only to be forgotten with aquatic speed later, and revisited with a sense of amusement. Arcadia... arcadia.
So what is a life rescued from panic? How does it feel to know there might be a light at the end of the tunnel? A constant battle between what you might understand as angels and devils. And for the first time I can see the angels and devils in everyone else. There is something common in me. I no longer feel exceptional for being different. I feel trapped, in some kind of mental rut. There is something better out there I'm sure of it. I want to work toward that something else.
When you are changing yourself you often have to ask yourself is it worth it? Happy people sitting you down in therapy blowing smoke up your arse about how well youre coping with your deepest darkest urges. And it all feels a little bit like the blind leading the blind. You can't understand what it is like to be in this position or you couldn't have any effect lifting me out of this blackness. Empathy might just be over rated. Perhaps you actually have to have no sense of empathy to maintain that stalwart disposition that getting better is actually worth it. But to return to point, if they are really truly happy as they sit there in those bland pathetic rooms provided for my wellbeing, then they don't know how delicious it is to be deep and dark and different. And I certainly can't empathise with happy. Which one of us has the angel and which one has the devil? Isn't there something to be gained on BOTH sides?
All I know is that by separating myself for some time now from people who indulge that deep dark well of mentality, I've started to climb the fuck out. Still got some fingernails left in these wicked claws and the sludge might be drying up on the walls. Don't know what I'll look like when I get to the top, but there is someone up there shouting "Put your fucking back into it" and if I don't get out of this shithole, its not going to be their problem, its just going to be mine. I don't know if I'm making any sense.. I'm very tired these days. Perhaps its all the fighting in my mind.
Take care all.
Tron
Comments: (0)
