- Mental Junkyard… mind the dogs

a place for everything... and everything in its place.	Jan 31st, 2008 11:29:35 am - Subscribe
it becomes more and more apparent to me that I'm not the person that I once was. A hard thing to reconcile in a town where you've been busy growing up, where the shadows of years or months ago follow you around. So much has happened in the last 12 months. And although I am happy about the new found stability, I do think that there are things about my new life which leave a hole in myself. Such is the nature of compromise. I hope that more than anything else I am able to remember the yearning that exists within myself and never forget to be tolerant. Life becomes more and more about control. Control of self, control of life, control of everything else. Life becomes more and more about stability and mental asceticism. Learning to control things, and release them at exquisite moments of truth, learning the true value of things through their denial, and squashing my square shaped self into the circle of normal. Taking off the edges. Without medication, without fear, without anything. The freedom of not being needed, of not needing anything... is indescribable. It is simultaneously terrifying and elating. The freedom to grow is scary... who will I become, and ill I ever stop? I'm not sleeping with the past any more. Somehow this abstinence makes life better too. Appreciation for taming the wild beast. I don't feel as though I'm pushing at the edges any more. I feel like I'm nicely contained. Compartmentalised. A place for everything and everything in its place. Put me in the box. I've got nothing to prove. I know that at the end of the day, I'm not what you think I am. And as long as I remember that I can stand for you to think that I'm whatever you need or want me to be.
mood: smooth	(1) comments

	marlene	January 31st, 2008
	I loved that last paragraph. I wish words flowed out of me like that~