http://www.aeonity.com/tron The 10 most recent public blogs by tron Sat, 30 Aug 2008 00:45:28 -0500 Aeonity Blog v2 http://www.aeonity.com/tron/blog/63469 I miss a web comic that I used to read called "Romulus and Remus" but it seems to have been swallowed whole and digested, bones and all, by the unforgiving internet. Why cruel world? So I haven't been around much. I had a birthday recently. Thank you, 24. It wasn't an easy birthday for a number of reasons. None of which I feel tempted to divulge here, or this might get to be a 'personal' entry and you would have nothing. Be grateful. I'm starting to read around, oh yeah you know it, and I think its time my rants became a little more cohesive, a lot longer, and definitely more linked to the shared human experience. So I'm putting my mood to 'destructive' hurrah. See you next time. http://www.aeonity.com/tron/blog/63469 http://www.aeonity.com/tron/95 Sun, 17 Aug 2008 19:01:04 -0500 http://www.aeonity.com/tron/blog/62553 Today has been a strange day. A strange week. A continuing, developing, misanthropic sense of self. Another dialogue with no one. More strange dreams. More events. More work. Wonderings. Present de-aspirations. Apathy/Contentment. Illness creeping up... flu kind not anything else. University ever onward. Weariness. Excitement. Something to care about. Hiatus. Industry. Caution. En Guarde. Begin again... ad infinitum. http://www.aeonity.com/tron/blog/62553 http://www.aeonity.com/tron/94 Mon, 28 Jul 2008 06:20:22 -0500 http://www.aeonity.com/tron/blog/61285 When I go to the city Its to purge the smell of eucalypts and wood smoke From my memory and replace it With grit, dirt and something else… I need to remember why I’m not here. When I go to the city, I need to smell The bad breath coming from the trams The stink of rage The apathy that leaks from every pore of The crush around me, I need to smell vicinity. I need to smell urine And shit And booze And stress And overuse And waste And forgetting And losing And wishing And hoping… I need to smell dreams being born And death. When I go to the city, I forget the exhilarating Permanent marker smell Of fast car petrol And late night binging. I need to forget my own smell lingering Amongst the people I brush against When I’m out of my mind. When I enter the city When the city enters me I need to block out its pheromones And not fall in love. http://www.aeonity.com/tron/blog/61285 http://www.aeonity.com/tron/93 Tue, 01 Jul 2008 22:52:01 -0500 http://www.aeonity.com/tron/blog/61276 thank you for bringing your precious bundle of joy to my house. I should have expected this when I invited you for dinner. Wow. They scream that much. Honey, see we don't want kids any time soon. What? This is good. Thats excellent. Honey we really do not want kids any time soon. Ok, lets have dinner. Where do you put him? I don't know. I don't have anywhere. Ok just on the couch. (mind he doesn't spew on my blue couch... white baby chuck doesn't come out so easily). Smile. Oh aren't you cute. He did a shit that big huh? Ah, thats what the noise is. You want attention. Adult conversation anyone? Yes, he is cute. Yes you are tired. No, not much to say? Ok. You don't want to catch a movie or something? No worries. I understand. You have to get the little angel back to bed (seriously). And I'll see you again soon. Maybe we could go out on the bikes, start looking around for a sitter. Drive safe. See you later. I need a drink. http://www.aeonity.com/tron/blog/61276 http://www.aeonity.com/tron/92 Tue, 01 Jul 2008 18:20:15 -0500 http://www.aeonity.com/tron/blog/60525 I'm not okay with no motivation. I can't work in the 'artistic' headspace any more. I need motivation. There is some, I'm sure, stored somewhere in a box clearly marked 'get off your arse' but I seem to have lost the key to that box and I can't get into it. Staring at it isn't getting anything done. AGH... Time to go... to try and not make the same pattern of mistakes. Tron http://www.aeonity.com/tron/blog/60525 http://www.aeonity.com/tron/90 Sat, 14 Jun 2008 20:42:40 -0500 http://www.aeonity.com/tron/blog/60481 I click the dial on the washing machine to synthetics. Its a shorter cycle, save the planet. I feel synthetic myself tonight. I feel thoroughly unmotivated. I see posts on here about new things, and here, at the end of semester, I'm finishing something when other people are starting. Its startlingly incongruous. I'd like to feel like I were headed somewhere. Like I were motivated toward a goal. But I'm not. And surprisingly, despite this empty feeling and a longing to 'get up and go somewhere every day' I'm not too worried by the whole experience. On the whole, I find demotivation the usual place to be when the air turns cold. Something else opens up inside my head and creative wheels start to turn. I'm like a deciduous tree to look at, stark, gaunt, completely still... not doing anything and surrounded by the rotting decay of my own leaves. But inside, I'm not dead. I'm just sleeping, and thinking. I could be like this forever. I could be content with this... if only I could quell that desire to get up and go somewhere every day. I wish there was a vaccination that could prevent this sometimes. I wish there were some kind of 'dilligence' drug that made you want to do things (I think there might be one, I think its called 'speed')... But then again, is it better to be in this natural state of stagnance, to take stock of all that is not happening? I have no answers. http://www.aeonity.com/tron/blog/60481 http://www.aeonity.com/tron/89 Sat, 14 Jun 2008 03:30:36 -0500 http://www.aeonity.com/tron/blog/60369 Why is it that a person can feel completely fine until they walk into a therapist's office. I challenge you to find me someone who won't consider themselves a little mad after subjection to the intensity associated with the medicinal confessional that is my therapists offices... Today I felt fine, balanced. Unmotivated, definitely but still, fine enough in my life. But step into that office, and I am again disintegrated into the ball of raw sinew and fuckery that I have come to associate with these sessions. I left early. I hated myself for the lack of commitment. I am successfully conditioned to deteriorate in small rooms with high ceilings and yellow walls... my god-- the walls in my house are ALL YELLOW... (not my choice). So here I am feeling totally shit about the whole experience, and assured by the many voices of judgement within me that not one soul will give a shit. Good on you if you do. Its a wonderful place inside my head. I think I'll go to sleep. night world. Tron http://www.aeonity.com/tron/blog/60369 http://www.aeonity.com/tron/88 Thu, 12 Jun 2008 07:16:23 -0500 http://www.aeonity.com/tron/blog/59826 I am free. Free in my own mind. Whirling, swirling, twirling in happiness. Light as air, too far from the ground with relief. Soon, all this shall be over. I am returning to my first love: The english language. I don't mean to discriminate and exclude the many other beautiful languages out there, this is, simply, the only language that I have... I am returning HOME, to myself. I am changing paths, a little, again to become more myself. My life is a stone and I am carving myself out of it pebble by pebble. I am closer to my dream. I have accepted fate. I like it. I love it... I have gained all I need here, and am ready to move on. I made this decision today, and it made the world make sense. I am becoming again, what I always was deep down. THANK FUCK! Perhaps, just maybe, (the bald man had no hair), this therapy caper is working. I can see the self satisfaction seeping out of my therapist when I make progress, but I refuse to get into that... not now. I can't corrode this. http://www.aeonity.com/tron/blog/59826 http://www.aeonity.com/tron/85 Mon, 02 Jun 2008 04:40:00 -0500 http://www.aeonity.com/tron/blog/59743 When did dressing like a slut get glamorous? There's a few questions on my mind that I'd like the general public, or society as a whole to answer for me. This is the first of them. If you put on something skimpy from an op-shop or something that's hand me down no matter how good condition its in, you're trashy. If you buy the same kind of thing new, and cover it in diamonties than your classy? Well maybe its not that simple. You do have to slick your hair down and make sure you're clean, and there's a certain implied elegance in 'class' but essentially, you're either all hanging out there, or 'creating the illusion' of all hanging out there, and realistically isn't that one of the trashiest things you can do? Firstly, that last sentence was far too long. Secondly, its wrong to judge, out loud. People don't like to feel like they're being judged, but we all do it. We rely on the external appearances of others to make those split second judgements about how much value they might be to us. We are, after all, social capitalists. We all are, regardless of your economic viewpoint. But this is beyond my original point. My point was about class, and the seeming lack of it when all your body parts are on display. I sometimes think that animals have it much easier when it comes to appearance, but whatever, that's another post. So back to class. I guess its all about the presentation of a message. See, to me, looking beautiful without the perfect body, without the mint of money, that's something. Its easy to 'scrub up nice' if you never get dirty. For me, I like those hard won battles. And I don't like diamonties. There's something a little bit trivial about overtly worshipping those 'shiny things'. I guess what I'm trying to say amongst this very tired prattle, is that its the messages that are hard won that count. Its the person who took the effort to say what they wanted without compromising that impresses me. Anything can live up to this high ideal of mine: art, music, dance, drama, literature, conversation... taking the time to get the message out there without using cheap tricks will always seem more classy, elegant, sophisticated to me than all the diamonties, or even diamonds real or metaphorical you can dish up... Tron http://www.aeonity.com/tron/blog/59743 http://www.aeonity.com/tron/84 Sat, 31 May 2008 07:02:42 -0500 http://www.aeonity.com/tron/blog/59295 Every time I sit down to write something here I come up against a wall. It is made of reasons not to write, reasons to just walk away from this... the foundation is a loyalty to paper, and a fear of readers. Its a judgement avoidance. It is cemented to the next layer by a conviction that I have nothing to say. The next layer is the certainty that the whole exercise is futile... wasteful of so many things... time, energy, thoughts, little pieces of myself so optimistically cast into the world and lost in the swamp of other people's needs... need to be recognised, need to be loved. the wall builds itself up higher and higher with layers of failed attempts... and is decorated by my own self scorn and my distaste for the process. The wall protects me from you all... and traps me within myself. there is so much to say. and no reason at all to say it to anyone. I am utterly convinced that no one is listening. I am utterly convinced that the exercise of opening up to others does little more than push them away further from me in the times when I need them the most. I am tired of listening. I am tired of not listening. I am afraid of not hearing I am terrified of not being heard. There came a point when, without the structured inescapable environments to pressured people closer and closer through their shared captivity, I realised that I had lost the capacity to connect in meaningful ways to those around me. I am ready again to trust someone, completely, but how do I find that someone? How do I reach out and find someone who would not see me as a burden? I need that person with the right mix of empathy and understanding, interest and forgiveness, similar experiences, and self resolve... the right person... someone to be very close to and share with. I am ready for a new friendship. I am ready to nourish and be nourished... but I am behind so many walls. How do you reach out to people? This seems like a first step. http://www.aeonity.com/tron/blog/59295 http://www.aeonity.com/tron/83 Thu, 22 May 2008 06:17:44 -0500