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i feel as if i need to write more again i realize this is quite long and most of you wont read this. however if you do i thank you. this poem took me about 2 months to completely finish. it is an extreme outpour of emotion and very personal. as of now i have only shared this with 6 people. however i now realize that i should share it with all of you. perhaps it will give you better insight to who i am. thank you. Here comes the rain Shadowy ominous clouds Looming overhead I sit on the porch Of my lonely old home In a creaky wooden rocking chair Back and forth Back and forth Just sitting Sitting and waiting Waiting for the rain to come Waiting for it to wash me away Wash away all my fears Fear of loss Fear of loneliness Fear of being forgotten Rain begins to fall Tiny droplets at first Like a trickling stream Then it begins to plummet harder Almost as if it wants to penetrate my soul I get up off my chair and walk out I walk out to greet the rain The heavens are angry Hurling down the rain at me Trying to damper my spirits But I won’t let it I resist the rain I resist all the feelings All the feeling that it is trying Trying to thrust upon me All of the revulsion and sadness All feelings of loss and loneliness But then Then it becomes too much Too much for me to handle The rain strikes my face Like sheets and sheets of paper Slashing away at my very being It corrodes into me And suddenly All those feelings hit me Ripping and tearing me apart Destroying me I am writhing in pain and agony And yet the rain goes on I lay twisting and screaming Screaming on the cold hard ground The rain eats away at my skin Feeding on all my energy But it still goes on and on It seems as though it will never end An abrupt understanding occurs to me All those feelings The feelings of loss and loneliness Were all built up inside me They were there all along Hiding away Slowly wounding me I realize now what the rain is doing It is trying to cleanse me Wash away all those harsh feelings This whole time I had been fighting Fighting against it Out of fear I resisted But I defy no longer I finally let go of all those feelings I let go of all the anguish and grief I let go and let the rain fall I let the rain fall And wash everything away There is a weight Being lifted off my shoulders The rain continues But it is different somehow All the sorrow and fear is gone There is a new and sudden warmth A warmth building up from inside me I distinguish this as a feeling A feeling that I had felt long ago I have not felt this in ages Making it difficult to identify I finally grasp what it is It is happiness What joy it is to feel like this Again there comes a strange and sudden warmth This is a thing I have never experienced before My heart beats faster There are butterflies in my stomach I search for a word to describe it This feeling Is love It has stopped raining now The sun comes out And begins to shine I feel the warmth all over my body Along with the feelings of love and happiness At first It is calming and compassionate But then the heat becomes too much It begins to singe my skin I try to get away from this burning sensation This burden of heat Starts to plunge more feelings upon me Feelings of hate and emptiness Feelings of want and lust Thoughts begin to fill my head Questions arise Unexpected and confusing Questions like What did I do to deserve this? What caused all this pain and suffering to occur? Why is this happening to me? Eventually the heat of the sun Starts to eat away at my skin Like the rain But it is crawling Crawling deeper inside me It is searching Searching for a point of weakness I feel the energy Surging throughout my body And then It hits me Like a bolt of lightning I am vulnerable My heart Old and burdened From carrying the heavy weight A weight of all my excruciating memories It stabs and jolts into me I try to defend myself But it is no use Like a key The sun unlocks my heart Releasing all the memories Memories of loss Memories of grief Memories of suffering They all escape And rush out to condemn me I try to get away Running from all misery They will never stop They continue to chase me To bring back hauntings of my past And still The sun glowers on Releasing more and more Until I can bear it no longer I being to drop Not able to handle Any more emotion I collapse And fall to the ground once more Meeting a similar fate That I had known once before Like a reoccurring story I call out I call out for help But no one hears my outcry No one sees the tears Streaming down my face No one takes notice of my sobbing Or the desperate whimpers of my soul No one experiences my pain I lie on the cold hard ground again Quivering, crying Over all those painful memories Then a shadow falls over me It is like a cool blanket Sheltering me from the sun I lie still And attempt to find an indication Of whom the shape might be At first I cannot identify The towering figure above me I then notice something Something that was not there before It is an outstretched hand The fear inside me Pulsates throughout my entire being Afraid of what this hand Intends to do It reaches towards me But I pull away Frightened that it might hurt me The figure begins to speak Attempting to chase away that fear I am diverted by this When I feel the soft touch The touch of a gentle hand On my leg This beings memories rushing back Of torment and distress Of all the affliction that domineering hands Have brought to this body But some how this hand is different It has a kinder touch This feeling I have known before It is compassion Slowly as the figure continues speaking I begin to trust it I begin to learn it means no harm I am weary For the sun has drained All energy from me I feel withered and lifeless I let the figures strong arms Comfort me It picks me up And brings me back to the small house A small house of reality I attempt to speak up And ask questions like Who are you? Why are you doing this? But I am still too weak The figure sets me down On an old, tattered couch I sit and stare At the faded flower print Worn from years and years of use Surprisingly I let the tears fall freely At first I do not know why But then I understand The reason It is because of this figure Because of its sympathy And its concerned character I have been saved Saved from the rain Saved from the sun But more importantly It has saved me From myself From my emotions From my feelings Of self destruction The figure sits with me And cries as well It cries because it now knows I am safe All along I never imagined Who this figure could be My savior I had to thank I look the figure Right in the eyes Deep into their soul My heart beats faster When I recognize That all along This looming figure Which had saved my life Was you. -Annie Walters |
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blog for today today has been my day of contemplation and realization so ive been thinking about a lot of things these past few days. and although there hasnt been much time to think lately due to swim team/lessons and work and rehersals 6 nights a week, i have still been thinking none the less. i do not expect anyone to fully read through all of this due to its length, however if you do i thank you for taking a moment out of your busy life to care. writing. i feel like i havent written a poem in ages. which isnt good because i love it. i feel like i have perminant writters block, and though there have been a few major emotional events occuring in my life the past 3 days i havent been able to write a thing. perhaps if i continue to write about nothing ill be able to come up with my true feelings. lately i havent been giving in to how i truely feel about some things. i havent been taking enough time to recognize what is going on around me. people are constantly changing and i havent taken the time to even notice or care. suddenly i find i am losing myself. i used to be more grounded and aware. but now its as if i have drifted away. i dont care about things i should care about. i find myself seeking attention. i am constantly lying to my parents. ive become extremely unorganized. i hate things i used to love. and now it all comes down to him. for all the things above i do not blame him. i love him so much. and he has rejected my feelings though he feels the same way about me. i cant help thinking, what if i had acted sooner? would things be different now? but in my heart i know they wouldnt have been different. he is still the same person with the same goals and dreams. not willing to let anything get in the way. soon we will be miles apart, and all of this will be forgotten. change in constantly happening around us. stop for a moment to notice this change as i have not. you only have one chance to live your life. its not like a game when your little and you mess up so you get a do-over. its not like an essay where you can white out the things you have said. everything you say is like ink and ink can not be erased. choose your words carefully. love others who live in the shadows. love your family. love yourself. love friends. love strangers. love the people who have loved and lost. love those who are victims. love the people you wish you had in your life. love those who care, not only about you but others. strive to be the best you can be. do not dwell on your past but learn from it. learn about everything you possibly can. learn how to save the environment for we only have one. learn how to help others. learn how to help yourself. learn about philosophy, but do not spend hours contemplating the meaning of somthing. spend hours with those you love. you never know when you might lose them.... with miles between us how could love have seen us and given us this chance? |
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check it out please www.flickr.com/a-walters =D |
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soo ive been working on a song for the past few days and i think im going to post the lyrics i have so far. please respond with any critisizm, thoughts, and/or suggestions. thank you! We sit on a couch Your arms wrapped tight around me Protecting me from everything And everyone I look up into your eyes Tears stream down my face Knowing those eyes That look of sorrow And now your leaving me Gone forever But now you’re far away Never looking back Your miles away I try hard to keep from crying And I wish you would come back to me But I just keep on loving still I sit on a bench In the pouring rain Hoping to see your face Amongst the crowded streets And long to see those eyes Those eyes that brought me happiness But now you’re far away Never looking back Your miles away I try hard to keep from crying And I wish you would come back to me But I just keep on loving still Where to go Where to turn One thought haunts and hurts Should I drive 6 hours Just to see your smiling face? Knowing that we will never be But even though your far away I see sunny skies comin my way Lookin up to where those gray clouds Are getting fainter everyday P.S.- Probably changing the first stanza it doesnt really fit much P.S.S.- special thanks to dylan for helping me out with the musical end =D |
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stressed out dude. to the max. for one thing i have to worry about my douchebag of a swimcoach cuz i have 3 swim meets this week. then theres the whole issue of going to NC. 20 family memebers. one house. kill me. i have less than 2 weeks to find someone to take over my job at epac and finish all my shit i gotta do. i dont even know what the hell im supposed to be doing half the time. And since im not gonna be here the week before the show starts im gonna have no clue what the hells going on =[ and to put the cherry on the sunday, i have had no sleep for the past 36 hours which makes everything worse. someone make me smile? please? |