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ashnod History... - Subscribe
... it always repeats itself. Even in one's personal life. They discover that no matter what they have learned from their previous experience, it won't prevent this event from not happening. Different scenarios, same ending: Alot of backstabbing, alot of being used, and alot of being hurt.

I just realized now that I got rejected? I have no idea what is going on, I thought I was progressing in my life, maybe I'm over analytical... maybe I'm not...

Really now... people constantly ask me, they constantly tell me "you two are cute", "you two always cuddle"... WHAT THE HELL. I'm too confused to even finish typing the pointless thoughts racing through my head. I've been over and over the events that have occured in the previous days and weeks in my head. Each time from a different angle... and I really don't know what to conclude. People say that its lies... but i'm already accepting defeat. Not very gracefully, i might add... but accepting defeat nonetheless.

Who seriously reads these long blogs? Its for my own personal gain, actually. Everytime I've ever began a journal I've always had the same thought in my mind "People are going to read this when I do... people are going to read this and wonder 'what the hell is this girl thinking?' "
No one is unique... we are all human.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall. I've realized that I'm living life with my heart, not by head. I always listen to my emotions, and not by rational reasoning.

Life sucks. Why do i rant about the same topic? Because... because...
0 Comments
Mood: reserved

waggy121 Change, Regret, and Forever. Sep 13th, 2008 4:09:27 pm - Subscribe
Change is constant.
Change is everywhere.
Change is everyone
and everything.

It is really hard to come to terms with the fact that people change... all the time. Sometimes, the people that they become clash with our new personalities. It really is sad. But I can't blame it on anyone, because I am experiencing a new change within myself every day. People say that a true friendship will last forever, and I really dont think that's true.
I have had my fair share of "true" friends. Actually, delete those quotation marks. They were really TRUE friends. But, we changed. We grew apart. And here it is, happening again. One of my closest friends has begun. I guess I am happy for her, to finally be finding herself. I just really dont agree with the person shes becoming and the direction she is going. But, I cant stop it. Nor would I want to. I am happy for the both of us. I am not changing my lifestyle to become her best friend again.
The point is. people change, people grow apart. As hard as that is to deal with, we have to...I have to. But while dealing with that, it makes you realize the things that you took for granted when you were still close. I hate the fact that I take so many things for granted. My boyfriend Zack, is one of the greatest things to ever enter my life. He supports me in everything I do, I am completely comfortable around him, and he loves me unconditionally. Yet, I am constantly taking him for granted and getting angry and being a complete bitch.
One day, we could grow apart, and I would have so many regrets. I dont want that. I want to always have him and the experiences we share to be untarnished by anything. I want them to be beautiful.

Now, this makes me think. Why? If everyone changes, is there the word FOREVER. I thought about it, and came to this conclusion.

It must be possible, to change ... together. People must change, but in a way that their surroundings arent affected and they still fit where they left off.
A real lasting relationship or friendship, is when you've both found yourselves, and still fit perfectly together. Forever has to exist or else families would constantly be breaking apart.
That really leaves me with a better view on things.

All together.

Change will always be.
You may lose people during the process.
So don't take things for granted.
Don't leave those relationships with any regrets.
Don't leave this world with any regrets.
Forever can happen,
if you do it together.
<3
1 Comments
Mood: abnormal

waggy121 Here we go. Sep 1st, 2008 9:59:17 pm - Subscribe
I know I haven't updated this in a while. Really, I have just been doing a lot of thinking. I should have written about it all in here, because it would have been really interesting to see how it all turned out. But here I am, a month later, with nothing written but what I am about to write. Oh well. I am not that disappointed in myself.

Well actually, I am. A little. But not because I didnt write. A few entries ago I talked about the reason for my tattoo. Seize the day, becoming a new person kind of thing. Well, I am changing, which is part of it. But, as soon as school started, the old me did too. The fact that I can change back so quickly really made me realize I HAVE NO IDEA WHO I REALLY AM.
I thought I did. I really thought that. BUt it turns out, I just knew who I was, which really wasnt me at all...if that makes any sense.

I mean, I know who I WANT to be. That really means nothing though. I mean, in the scheme of things, I think I need to know who I am first, before changing myself to what I want to be. I really need to step back and re-evaluate a few things. When school starts, I become a monster with gossip. I
t is terrible. And the worst part is, the one person I talk about the most, is someone I used to really care about. Actually, someone I still care about. My old best friend, really meant a lot to me. She is going through a rough time right now, and I thought I could be there for her, but she doesnt want my help. I figured this would be the one thing to put our friendship back together, but it wasnt.

This is what has really made me rethink things. Our friendship ending was partly my fault, and I hate that. It's part of the reason I am trying to change. I really hurt people sometimes, and its terrible. I talk about people to avoid the problems I am facing in my own life. I talk about people when they have hurt me. I talk about people when I love them but am afraid to show it. I talk about EVERYONE I have ever met. Trust me, I have gossiped about you if I know you.

It probably isnt even because I dont like you though. I was probably jealous, hurt, resentful. WHATEVER. I am over it. The release gossip and drama brings is only temporary. Its not worth losing people over.
Its really time that I grow up.
Its really time that I get over myself.
Its really time I stop creating drama.
Its time to show my true feelings.
Its time to find out who I truly am...

I wonder how this will turn out.

Wish me luck....


<33
1 Comments
Mood: excited

ashnod Later, Alligator Aug 7th, 2008 10:48:30 am - Subscribe
2 Comments
Mood: animated

waggy121 Off. Jul 29th, 2008 9:37:58 am - Subscribe
School is starting soon, and I have to say, I don't have the horrible feeling a would normally have. Naturally, I don't want to re enter the place that torments me with constant busy-work, never-ending rules, and non stop drama, but for some reason, I am not dreading it.

For one, the drama scene, isn't really for me anymore. I know it's really cliche and all but I really feel like a bigger person this year. I am not going to take part in the tempting but horribly humiliating "Wilson Drama"
I am telling you, if you don't go to Wilson, you don't know what drama really is.

This year, hopefully I am going to focus on my school work. I have really been thinking about what I want to do with my life lately, and I have no idea. That makes it more neccessary for me to work hard at EVERYTHING. I think I want to write. But not for something superficial like VOGUE or SEVENTEEN, although i do love the magazines. I also, would hate writing in a newspaper column, although that's probably where I would have to start out. I want to write to inspire. I want to change things. I want to change people. I want my writings about my thoughts and daily struggles to really give someone that push they really need to either change themselves or change the world.
I can't really figure out where I would go with this though. Writing a book is really overrated and it takes too long. Plus, what would I call it?? I dont think I could come up with a name that really says what its all about. And when I would come up with that name, it wouldnt catch anyones attention.

Thats what I hate about titles. I really dont think books should have titles. Because honestly, the best titles are on those stupid romance novels at the grocery store. Do you know what I am talking about?? The ones at the ends of the aisle or in the 1 dollar box. The ones where just looking at the cover makes you feel trashy? I hate those. But without knowing what it was about, would you pick between "Catcher in the Rye" or "Midnight Secrets by the Lake" haha. Well Catcher in the Rye sounds really lame to me. I guess the other title does too, but I think you get it. I know I do.

The point is, books shouldnt have titles.
Wow, I am really off topic. So, my book wouldnt have a title. People would pick it up then. Maybe I will write a book then. A title less novel. Probably not.
Wow, I am still really far off topic.

So lets end it with....

umm...
I am not dreading the fact that school is starting because I am truly excited about the rest of my life.

[=
3 Comments
Mood: thoughtful

ashnod I Love you Jul 26th, 2008 6:29:24 pm - Subscribe
But I'm losing you, and in the midst of it I'm losing myself.

I'm still trying to understand what caused the change from then to now.

You wonder why I question everything? Maybe because I can't take it for granted, I have to understand.

I want what I can't have. I don't want to, but why won't the emotion go away? My powers of surpression are waning.

I'm going crazy. I need a distraction. I need a hug.
0 Comments
Mood: psycho

waggy121 Work of Art Jul 22nd, 2008 12:01:55 pm - Subscribe
i am seriously considering whether or not a could create a masterpiece. I am not sure of the way in which this masterpiece would be created, but i am considering doing it. I just have this undeniable urge to create. I am horrible at art. My mom told me I should be a photographer. I explained that I would never want to be the person to capture the moment. I want to be the person in it. Photographers constantly miss out on the things they are snapping away at. The picture doesnt do it. To feel it, you cant just be watching through a lense. That's why i really wouldn't be good a such a thing.
Every time I go outside, I see something beautiful. Something that I have to stop and stare at. A tree, the moon, a flower. I want to mimic all of these things. If I cannot create something beautiful, I want to be it. I think thats the route I am going to take. To be my own work of art. Not necessarily by getting tattooed (although that is something I will eventually do more of) or wearing horrendous amounts of make-up and expensive clothes, but by becoming something new to the world. Something it has never seen. I am constantly having random and impossible thoughts and dreams. I want to chase them, no, not chase. Follow. I hate running. wink.gif I truly just want to create something incredible.
I just figured out that it could be me.
2 Comments
Mood: Full of ideas

ashnod Screw me, Jul 20th, 2008 9:40:43 pm - Subscribe
Right?

I'm nervous
Nervous as hell. I've realized the mistake i've done, and the possible outcomes of it, none of which seem very bright.

I read a quote today, I dont exactly remember it, but it went something like "...knowing which bridges to cross and which to burn" and i can honestly say I don't want this bridge to burn, yet I don't know what will happen if I keep it there, I want the bridge to stay.

Maybe its not about me, maybe its about someone else. It is about someone else, who am I kidding. Maybe I'm going crazy. I'm not that special. I'm never that special. That's why I refrain from doing alot of things, from showing everyone my true emotions. I'm scared, terrified. What will they think. Oh dear I'm so nervous. I let my emotions get the best of me, cloud my thinking.

Its past my bedtime. Yes, 10 40 is late, especially when you have nothing better to do. I want to talk. I have nothing to talk about, that's why I unintentionally create drama, so I can talk to people. My life is so boring. i dont even make sense to myself anymore.

I'm going out tomorrow, and I'm going to like it.
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Mood: pumped

waggy121 jodi Jul 20th, 2008 9:18:39 pm - Subscribe
family is essential. A lot of people think that I must have a seriously dysfunctional family based on my living situation. Really though, my family and I are incredibly close. I slept over at my moms last night and I truly realized how amazing and supportive she is.
We have our fights, trust me. But in the end, I am closer with her now, than most girls are with their moms ever. Our relationship is probably something you dont see very often. She knows everything that goes on in my life and gives me advice and love that keeps me going. She pushes me in directions that I know I should be going, even if I dont follow them sometimes. Not living with my mom has actually strengthened and already strong relationship. When she asks me the age old "How was school?" I can't wait to tell her, because I actually have a lot to say. I love having a mom that cares about me enough to not criticize the things I do, and the things I do wrong. There are plenty of parents that I know dont really trust her to make good decisions with me, based on the fact that we dont live together. I would just like to say, that her parenting exceeds any other mothers. She is letting me live with my sister, so I can stay at the school and city I want to be in. She lets me make my own mistakes instead of never letting me spread my wings. She lets me fall, but always lets me know she'll be there to catch me. She is a definate hero of mine.
That's really what a family should be.

ALL of my family is amazing. This includes Andy, my Dad, jade, and dylan. But mainly I just wanted to focus on my mom. Because I know that I used to really take her for granted.

She is the strongest woman I know.
1 Comments
Mood: smiley

ashnod That shirt looks very becoming on you... Jul 19th, 2008 10:34:23 pm - Subscribe
Sure, its a gross pick up line, but no one will eVer get what it means. I dont even think my friend gets it.

An a side note.. a bunch of us were playing apples to apples today and at the green card "feminine" i put down "doing the dishes". I feel that, as a woman, i'm required to be a feminist, but thing is, i love making fun of myself and my gender as much as I love making fun of other people. Am I such a bad person?

I think I'm in love with nerds. People like to date from one sort of "social clique", and I think mine is the nerdy kids. I realized this when I went to a midnight showing and was surronded by them. For some reason, the atmosphere was extremely friendly, as if everyone was bonded by the same desire to see the movie, and there were no enemies. I feel like I'm rambling nonsense.

Who reads this shit anyway? Its just tired writings of a tired mind. And what in the world does "hella" mean. (Note: look at my mood)
0 Comments
Mood: hella

waggy121 Cherry Blossom Jul 18th, 2008 10:04:08 pm - Subscribe
I am ready.
I can't really say what for, because I honestly have no idea.
Things are really changing. Things are always changing. I am proud to say I've learned that. And recent changes in my life are really pushing me to be a better person.
I have really lessened the drama in my life, and even when school starts, I plan to keep it that way.
This change is really pushing me to realize what I have.
I am pretty much smiling constantly. Laughing, crying, I always hated people who bottled up their emotions. Little did I know, I was one of them.
It's really tough to live with; hate. I am quitting that. Completely.
I want to feel everything but that.
I want to feel it all.
Floating, is a way to describe it. I want to feel the breeze and move fast enough. But not too fast. I wouldn't want to miss a sight that I have never seen. Life is so beautiful. Life is adventure. I can't miss out on that.
Cherry blossoms bloom, and only stay that way for about 2 or 3 days. Imagine that. But I have never seen a more beautiful flower. They truly make use of their time. Seize the day. That's the idea...in the tattoo...
I really do love it. The pain was worth it.
It is beautiful and constantly reminds me of this change.
So, I am ready.
I still dont know for what,
but I am.
This summer is what brought it.
Summer is ...




Carpe Diem.
<3



If you read that, then wow. Reading over it, I really jumped around. That was an interesting rant. A different way to write. I cant delete it. I loved writing it too much.
1 Comments
Mood: serene

waggy121 Babbling Jul 18th, 2008 10:03:37 pm - Subscribe
This is just going to be be babbling for a little, so if you dont like mindless ranting, then you should probably stop reading right about.....
here.

So i have been thinking alot lately about things I thought I had figured out. Well, I would like to start with the fact that my personality and the person I am is not one of these things. I have me pretty much done. I know exactly who I am and have become the person I want to be. This is the reason for the recent tattooing. I really want to remember the time in my life where I figured out what I want out of life.
Ok, back to the thinking alot. Well the thing that had me stumped was why I didnt believe much in God. I have had my fair share in bad things that have happened to me and my family, and I really didnt think that a loving and just God would let things like that happen. I had the impression that there was a God, but he really had nothing to do with what went on in our lives. But I am starting to realize that all these things have made me the strong person I am today. Every event in my life that knocked me down made me stronger and I am really starting to see that maybe someone has a plan for me. There are people who have way worse problems than I do, and even they believe in God. Everything happens for a reason, and God has a plan for all of us. I am proud to say that I do believe in God. I believe in parts of the bible. I can't really say that I believe, everything was written down and nothing was exaggerated. But I am happy with where I am at. I am going to start going to church. Not to better myself, but mainly to focus on strengthening the connection I have with God.

I am extremely relieved to have gotten that out.

<33
0 Comments
Mood: enlightened

ashnod Nanananananana BATMAN Jul 16th, 2008 9:36:49 pm - Subscribe
Anyone excited for



While on my travels, i was constantly reminded that i am pigeon-toed...

free graphic for myspace
Create myspace graphic with Gickr

=]
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Mood: Joker

ashnod Es Tut Mir Leid, Mein Freundin Jul 16th, 2008 4:21:10 pm - Subscribe
Uh-oh...
I've made quite the mistake, possibly leading to the ending of the friendship of one of my most valued friends. While I'm too embarassed to explain the cause of such an argument, I'll admit it was not one of my brightest and well-thought out actions, but I do feel like I've had the chance to explain my feelings, although not in my prefered wording. I'm so nervous, I was told that the other side needed a day to think everything through, to decide whether or not our friendship was worth continuing. (After my outburst, I'd be more than surprised if they were willing to still be my friend).
Whilst I feel like I am rambling, I think that what drove me to write such balderdash (I dont believe i used that in the write context, but i love the word nonetheless) was after I read my horoscope for yesterday...

You are tired of waiting for something that never seems to happen. Yet you still cannot dissipate the tension unless you push yourself forward. Fortunately, if you are willing, you can free yourself to explore your future without having to carry so much weight from unresolved dark mysteries.

Who says Horoscopes can't sometimes seem oddly true? I might wait around a little longer though... just in case... ('though I dont deserve it)
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Mood: patient