starting up again
Date: Jul 16th, 2008 1:34:30 pm - Subscribe
Mood: complete
Quote: if you want to be happy, be.
i feel as if i need to write more again
i realize this is quite long and most of you wont read this. however if you do i thank you. this poem took me about 2 months to completely finish. it is an extreme outpour of emotion and very personal. as of now i have only shared this with 6 people. however i now realize that i should share it with all of you. perhaps it will give you better insight to who i am. thank you.
Here comes the rain
Shadowy ominous clouds
Looming overhead
I sit on the porch
Of my lonely old home
In a creaky wooden rocking chair
Back and forth
Back and forth
Just sitting
Sitting and waiting
Waiting for the rain to come
Waiting for it to wash me away
Wash away all my fears
Fear of loss
Fear of loneliness
Fear of being forgotten
Rain begins to fall
Tiny droplets at first
Like a trickling stream
Then it begins to plummet harder
Almost as if it wants to penetrate my soul
I get up off my chair and walk out
I walk out to greet the rain
The heavens are angry
Hurling down the rain at me
Trying to damper my spirits
But I won’t let it
I resist the rain
I resist all the feelings
All the feeling that it is trying
Trying to thrust upon me
All of the revulsion and sadness
All feelings of loss and loneliness
But then
Then it becomes too much
Too much for me to handle
The rain strikes my face
Like sheets and sheets of paper
Slashing away at my very being
It corrodes into me
And suddenly
All those feelings hit me
Ripping and tearing me apart
Destroying me
I am writhing in pain and agony
And yet the rain goes on
I lay twisting and screaming
Screaming on the cold hard ground
The rain eats away at my skin
Feeding on all my energy
But it still goes on and on
It seems as though it will never end
An abrupt understanding occurs to me
All those feelings
The feelings of loss and loneliness
Were all built up inside me
They were there all along
Hiding away
Slowly wounding me
I realize now what the rain is doing
It is trying to cleanse me
Wash away all those harsh feelings
This whole time I had been fighting
Fighting against it
Out of fear I resisted
But I defy no longer
I finally let go of all those feelings
I let go of all the anguish and grief
I let go and let the rain fall
I let the rain fall
And wash everything away
There is a weight
Being lifted off my shoulders
The rain continues
But it is different somehow
All the sorrow and fear is gone
There is a new and sudden warmth
A warmth building up from inside me
I distinguish this as a feeling
A feeling that I had felt long ago
I have not felt this in ages
Making it difficult to identify
I finally grasp what it is
It is happiness
What joy it is to feel like this
Again there comes a strange and sudden warmth
This is a thing I have never experienced before
My heart beats faster
There are butterflies in my stomach
I search for a word to describe it
This feeling
Is love
It has stopped raining now
The sun comes out
And begins to shine
I feel the warmth all over my body
Along with the feelings of love and happiness
At first
It is calming and compassionate
But then the heat becomes too much
It begins to singe my skin
I try to get away from this burning sensation
This burden of heat
Starts to plunge more feelings upon me
Feelings of hate and emptiness
Feelings of want and lust
Thoughts begin to fill my head
Questions arise
Unexpected and confusing
Questions like
What did I do to deserve this?
What caused all this pain and suffering to occur?
Why is this happening to me?
Eventually the heat of the sun
Starts to eat away at my skin
Like the rain
But it is crawling
Crawling deeper inside me
It is searching
Searching for a point of weakness
I feel the energy
Surging throughout my body
And then
It hits me
Like a bolt of lightning
I am vulnerable
My heart
Old and burdened
From carrying the heavy weight
A weight of all my excruciating memories
It stabs and jolts into me
I try to defend myself
But it is no use
Like a key
The sun unlocks my heart
Releasing all the memories
Memories of loss
Memories of grief
Memories of suffering
They all escape
And rush out to condemn me
I try to get away
Running from all misery
They will never stop
They continue to chase me
To bring back hauntings of my past
And still
The sun glowers on
Releasing more and more
Until I can bear it no longer
I being to drop
Not able to handle
Any more emotion
I collapse
And fall to the ground once more
Meeting a similar fate
That I had known once before
Like a reoccurring story
I call out
I call out for help
But no one hears my outcry
No one sees the tears
Streaming down my face
No one takes notice of my sobbing
Or the desperate whimpers of my soul
No one experiences my pain
I lie on the cold hard ground again
Quivering, crying
Over all those painful memories
Then a shadow falls over me
It is like a cool blanket
Sheltering me from the sun
I lie still
And attempt to find an indication
Of whom the shape might be
At first I cannot identify
The towering figure above me
I then notice something
Something that was not there before
It is an outstretched hand
The fear inside me
Pulsates throughout my entire being
Afraid of what this hand
Intends to do
It reaches towards me
But I pull away
Frightened that it might hurt me
The figure begins to speak
Attempting to chase away that fear
I am diverted by this
When I feel the soft touch
The touch of a gentle hand
On my leg
This beings memories rushing back
Of torment and distress
Of all the affliction that domineering hands
Have brought to this body
But some how this hand is different
It has a kinder touch
This feeling I have known before
It is compassion
Slowly as the figure continues speaking
I begin to trust it
I begin to learn it means no harm
I am weary
For the sun has drained
All energy from me
I feel withered and lifeless
I let the figures strong arms
Comfort me
It picks me up
And brings me back to the small house
A small house of reality
I attempt to speak up
And ask questions like
Who are you?
Why are you doing this?
But I am still too weak
The figure sets me down
On an old, tattered couch
I sit and stare
At the faded flower print
Worn from years and years of use
Surprisingly I let the tears fall freely
At first
I do not know why
But then I understand
The reason
It is because of this figure
Because of its sympathy
And its concerned character
I have been saved
Saved from the rain
Saved from the sun
But more importantly
It has saved me
From myself
From my emotions
From my feelings
Of self destruction
The figure sits with me
And cries as well
It cries because it now knows
I am safe
All along
I never imagined
Who this figure could be
My savior I had to thank
I look the figure
Right in the eyes
Deep into their soul
My heart beats faster
When I recognize
That all along
This looming figure
Which had saved my life
Was you.
-Annie Walters
Comments: (3)
how come
Date: Jan 23rd, 2008 8:52:37 pm - Subscribe
Mood: confined
every time i try to do somthing nice
i end up crying
i try to make things better
i end up crying
i have a bad day
i end up crying
i have a good day
i end up crying
why is it that they all hate me
what did i do wrong?
i wish they would tell me
i guess i just suck at life
i cry every fuckin day and i hate it
i miss the days where i was always happy
i miss the days when i would constantly laugh
i miss the days when i had people who cared abou me
i miss life
i miss summer
when i could lie in the grass and look at the stars
i miss his arms around me
there is a void inside me
i wish it wasnt there
it makes my head hurt from all the thoughts about it
it makes me cry
it makes me hurt
it makes me angry
it makes me dissappointed in myself
i hate being who i am
i wish i was some1 else
i wish i could get away from this life
and live in a world of nothingness
i need to get away
im trapped with nowhere to go
i dont know what to do anymore
some one
any one
save me from my empty life...
Comments: (1)
Capture
Date: Nov 7th, 2007 10:27:55 pm - Subscribe
Mood: broken
Capture a picture,
Full of character.
Capture a song,
Full of emotion.
Capture a friend,
Full of advice.
Capture a heart,
Bursting with love.
Comments: (2)
Things that make life better...
Date: Nov 7th, 2007 10:14:47 pm - Subscribe
Mood: emo
Quote: Change your thoughts, and you change your world
Things that make life better
(i will add to this list as i find new things)
Hot Chocolate on a cold windy day
Sitting in the very tops of trees with the wind in my face
Curling up in a comfy chair with a good book
Listening to acoustic music
The Almost-Amazing because it is
Ultimate Frisbee
Doodling
Writing poetry
Lying out on my roof at night and looking at the stars
Editing photos
Playing dress up in the costume room
Reading quotes
Watching the sunset
Lying in the cool grass
Warm hoodies
Walking barefoot
Wearing hats
Having in depth conversations
Laughing
Sitting in the middle of my floor and doing nothing
Singing in the shower
Making CD's
Chocolate Chips
Pumpkin Pie with lots of whipped cream
Cast parties
Hugs
Cuddling
The smell of a new book
The smell of fall
The first snow
Nighttime
Late night movies on my laptop
Photography
Theater
Tech football games
Going on walks
Thats all for now...
Comments: (2)