Ok. So I haven't completely fallen off the edge of the world yet. In other words... I'm back. Sorry I haven't updated in months... I'm more partial to other online journals, such as my xanga at www.xanga.com/justalittleunwell
and myspace www.myspace.com/flute_loops
Yeah. I don't know really what to say... things are great and they're fucked up all at the same time. I mean I'm happy... I really am, but there's something wrong, it's in the air. I'm breathing it in slowly and every breath is sweet and rich in death. My vision isn't perfect and my head is clouded. I don't understand this eery change...
why does my head feel so fuzzy? Why do I feel so burnt out?
It could be school. I really want to take a quarter off... but I really don't want to leave my friends here in Cincinnati. I'm doing just fine in all my classes... I don't understand why I don't enjoy what I'm doing.
It could be I've smoked myself retarded. lol. It happens sometimes I guess... but I feel this is something more than that.
It could be relationship confusion... but I keep that stuff to myself. After all... a secret can only be kept between two people... if one is dead. I just can't trust anyone... Anymore, my best friend seems to be myself because I'm the only one there for me.
well... enough gibberish. I guess it's back to writing some java codes... fucking college courses.
I'm having the time of my life! I wish I didn't have to go back to Cincinnati... well, I do. I love it there, I do like school, I love my roommate, my new friends, the great environment... but I really miss my friends here. It took only a few days here for me to realize that... And then this thing with Paul, completely unexpected.
I almost just want to drop Cincinnati and try Iowa... but I have no power in that, do I? I think my mom is in control of my college shit...
Gosh, I don't want to even imagine what it's like missing him badly. I like you, Paul. <3
I drove for miles and miles and wound up at your door. I've had you so many times but somehow I want more.
yep, my college life for about 2 months... makes me wonder.
Take this quiz, post the results, and see how much things have changed since then.
4 years ago...
How old were you?
What grade were you in?
Where did you go to school?
Fremont Middle School
Where did you live?
How was your hair style?
short, straight, and pulled back sometimes with clips
Did you wear braces?
Did you wear contacts?
Did you wear glasses?
Who was your best friend?
Who was your boyfriend/girlfriend?
Didn't have one
Who was your celebrity crush?
Jensen Ackles (Appeared on Dark Angel & Days of our Lives)
Who was your regular-person crush?
Were you a virgin?
How many piercings did you have?
One - two (ears)
How many tattoos did you have?
What was your biggest fear?
Not being good enough
Had you smoked a cigarette yet?
Had you gotten drunk or high yet?
Had you driven yet?
If so what car(s) did you use?
Which of your pets were still alive?
was living with my aunt and didn't have pets
Which members of your family were still alive?
All of them
Which members of your family were not born yet?
Did you know the person who posted this right before you?
No I just read her/his blog
Well just blam. What an update.
College rocks! Relationships suck. What more can I say? Who wants to date me? I'm open for suggestions...
It's been forever since I've updated. Been at band camp in Indiana and just moved into my dorm last week. I apologize if this post is kcorny or hard to read because I'm actually a little drunk right now haha.
So yeah... annonymous comments suck. And I thank anyone who did comment that wasn't annonymous
Cinci is amazing... with the acception of a few thigns. I've made friends... quite a few. They're awesome people too. My IT major doesn't have too many women in it... like, 3 girls in my classroom, including myself, so I have my pick of guys if you know what I mean. Too bad I've already found the guy I just absolutely love and wanna be with.
I'm not the cheating type. That was only once... and will never happen again. [Even though he was really good ;-)]
Well... off to get more drunk cuz that's what college is about after your FIRST classes! :-)
|who is the annonymous person that keeps leaving me messages?!?! rar! :-p|
|I just can't get enough of you baby!|
Eventually we began to see that we could be completely free and I could get away from you, and you could get away from me. And we could live each separately in our cities in the sun. Wheels keep on spinning round spinning round spinning round. Wheels keep on spinning round spinning round and round...
Today is a good day. :-)
Wow. So what a day. I never thought so many people could screw up in one day.
So. I'm debating whether or not I want to still talk to Fremont people. I'm going away from here, so why should I care about people who don't respect me?
It seems that online journals keep getting me frustrated... I think it's time for it to come to an end. I think, fuck the online world! Fuck xanga. Fuck everyone who's mad at me because they're retards. Only the truest of friends understand, and only the truest of friends are in my life.
I don't think I care much for highschool kids anymore. With the exception of the cool kids like Christie, Nic. Z, Eric, and Audra... not to mention Scooter and I'm having a brainfade at the moment so I can't name anyone else. But, They're on my list of memorable people.
Bleh. I haven't been this pissed in a long time. I wish people wouldn't fuck with me.
|Yesterday I broke your heart in two, today I wanna waste my life with you. But it's over... I don't wanna touch anybody else. But kissing you's a drug, bad for my health. I hear it in your voice on the telephone, you're so good at playin' stable when you're all alone. But it's over... so over... It's killing me gently, silently, I'm dying inside.|
So last night I finally really got to hang out with Paul and Amanda's friend Mary. I don't remember her last name right now. She's freaking awesome though and had us cracking up for hours!! Holy shit, I was up all night until 5 still enjoying her company. I think she's a good addition to our crew. She doesn't seem like the type to get us in trouble or anything, she's just like me! It's insane. And yes, I realized yesterday, I am an insane girl. [From what Otie asked me.]
Wow. Yesterday was a lot of fun. Being at the dam was a little cold. I probably shouldn't have crossed those rocks across the water... no, I really shouldn't have done that. I've got the bruises to prove it! I can't believe I just let Chris walk me over there, I mean, bad enough it was oddly spaced, pointy, rocks across water, but then muddy slippery rocks on an elevated angle, then some good dry flat rocks... and then... I realized that I was balancing myself on these broken trees that were high off the ground and nothing below but sharp rocks and water. Holy hell, that was fucking scary! I mean, I'm not afraid of heights, I just thought about the consequences of falling. I think it might be one of the few frightening events I've ever encountered in my young life.
These past few weeks have just been the shit. Honestly, nothing ever has and probably never will beat them. I've partied myself the fuck out. I'm really burnt out at this moment, I should get some sleep. And I'm so freaking excited about tonight! Jon's drinking party is going to freaking rock. I cannot express the excitement and happiness I feel. Truely something I've been looking forward to for the past couple of days.
Anyways... so I have this little xanga problem. Why can't people just stay out of my life a little? I'd like more than just a little bit of personal space. I'd like to be in charge of my life and fucking not have it run by my mother. She's just my mother, that's it. I could explain to you why I just said that crude statement, but I can't think of any nice way to put it. It's a long story that goes way back. I don't get along well with her anymore because of things she's done.
So today's fathers day. Fuck that.
Next subject... lalala. I'm going to make myself another online journal. I'm done with emoblog, I'm done with xanga. I'm done with fucking people, who I don't like, that keep tracking down everything I do.
I don't think there are any others like you and I won't blink because that would mean I'd miss a second beside you. And maybe you know what I mean, or maybe this is a dream. I pinch myself just to makes sure but I'm still here and there you are. I wonder why we just met now it just kind of happened somehow. But here we are together and that's all that matters in the end.
And instantly I feel so complete, it hits me right about the time you kiss my cheek. You give me a feeling, it's like no other feeling, but it knocks me off my feet. Please don't ask me what I like about you because it's every little thing you do and that's just the way you make me feel.
I wish I knew who I was talking about. I'm not pointing anyone out, though, I wish I kinda was. I'm not sure of what I want, or who, and I don't want to take the first available either. It has to be someone worthy, someone who understands... all of this. I haven't found that person... even though I thought I did a few months ago. I really did love him. I don't understand why it didn't hit me so bad... I don't know if I'd ever let myself be with him again, if the chance arose. He cheated on me and as for actually caring about me? I'm not quite sure, maybe he really had some true feelings there... but I don't think he meant every word he said. I wish someone would've told me before what was going on. I don't care if you think you're protecting me, you're only hurting me more in the end. I would love to chew him out, but what good is that going to do? I don't think I could do that now anyways. I kinda did the same to him. Not to mention someone else...
Blech. I'm still really, really burnt out from Monday. I hope I'll get over this soon...
Just trying to get by--
I hope I did the right thing. I can't keep secrets like that from someone, it's something he deserves to know, but never will now.
What do I want? That's what I thought about last night while talking to Tanner... what do I want? I honestly do not know. I thought I knew. I know that I sometimes jump too much into things that need to be thought about more than just a week or so.
I need someone who's good to me, but doesn't treat me like a princess. I want someone strong who can do physical labor if needed. I want someone with smarts, who knows about cars if mine happens to break down for a reason. I want someone with a sense of humor, but isn't the clown of the group. I want someone to be serious when I need them to be. I want to be able to talk to them about anything, anything at all, and never regret saying it.
I don't need someone right now. I need to be just me. I need to have my freedom.
Although, I have heard, that when you finally get sick and tired of being with anyone, and you've finally said, "I'm fucking fine being single!" *BAM* that's when someone good comes along.
Hmm... I'm not sure if I'm ready for that.
I've realized that I hardly care about the feelings of people whom I should care deeply about. I do a LOT of crazy things, I don't think of the consequences, or who I might be hurting. I just do whatever I want at pretty much any given time. I hate being tied down though, I want, I need my freedom. I need more than freedom. I still kinda feel like a horrible person,... but this doesn't bother me as much as it did the other day. I don't know, I can be mellow, I can not care, I can give up, I can let it go.
I try to think about all the things that I've always been told that was bad or wrong. What exactly makes them bad or wrong? What makes good, good? Seriously. Something is only considered bad because it's relative. Same goes for anything considered good. We constantly have comparisons with different opinions. That screws around with the good and bad topics. People think differently so not everything that's considered bad by certain people is bad to other people. Understand what I'm saying? I guess it doesn't matter if you [readers] do understand, as long as I get it.
I don't know. My opinions and views have changed so much in the past few months. I wish I could just express myself to someone, show and tell them what I mean but that probably wouldn't be a good thing. I do like to keep things to myself, it helps me feel safe and secure.
Graduation is almost here, less than two days. It's so great knowing how much I've acomplished and I can't say that it's going to hurt me to not talk to a lot of the people that I am used to talking to. [Again with the lack of feelings here.] I don't understand why I just don't care, but I don't. Maybe I'm tired of them? Maybe I know that it's a good thing for me to get away from them? Maybe I know it's a good thing for me to get out of Fremont? I hope one of those is the answer I'm looking for. I think, maybe, instead of constantly trying to figure out why I don't care about feelings, I should try to figure out why I really should. Maybe I should try to talk to more people and discover the things they feel and why they feel it and how they feel it. Maybe then I can understand why I'm this way, and maybe change?
I'm done pondering, for now.
Please just stop. I'm not a good person! Stop saying how great I am! Really, I'm not! If you only knew the half of me you'd proabably take it back. I wish I could tell someone, Eric is the only one I know of right now who'd understand. If people knew what I knew, they'd leave me alone.
Give yourself a head start.
Change IS good. I get it now! If you don't like the way things are going in your life or if you're bored, then you only can do one thing, change it! That's why people change! It's only good or bad from a different person's point of view. Tons of people could agree with things that I think are good, and lots of people could disagree with me about things that are bad, even the other way around!
It's only bad because you don't like it. What if I like it?
I like everything I'm doing now, well, with one exception. And I'm happy. I'm happy because I've changed my boring life. Not saying the people in it were boring, just me myself felt boring. I'm doing things I think are fun. I'm having a life and I'm enjoying it damnit because I'm allowed. I'm allowed to screw around and make mistakes and learn from them and have fun. Is that really so bad? I'm sorry if I'm not the person you met 3 years ago... cuz I'm definitely not. But neither are you.
I was stained with a role in a day not my own; As you walked into my life you showed what needed to be shown; I always knew what was right, I just didn't know that I might peel away and choose to see with such a different sight; And I will never see the sky the same way; And I will learn to say good-bye to yesterday; And I will never cease to fly if held down; And I will always reach too high 'cause I've seen, twilight.
Things change sometimes. People change.
Sometimes I just wish I could pick certain people out of my life, permanently. Not like I never met them, but, like they left me sooner. I don't want to explain this in depth or go into particular detail.
Someone I've known for a long time has always hurt me, Ever since I could remember. They've tried to make things right, like twice that I know of. I've always felt like they didn't ever care about me. From past expierences, conversations or no conversations, actions... *sigh* I mean, this person had the biggest impact on my life, no one could ever hurt me this much in a million years.
This person I know has really tried to fix themselves up again, and promises nothing bad will happen again. They want me to give them another chance, one top of the 500 chances they've already screwed up, and let them back into my life. For some reason, I have that feeling that I should look the other way, say fuck them, and move on with my life. But I don't know how I'm going to feel years from now when I approach them again. It's going to be really hard, no matter the choice I make. It sucks that my journal is the only place I can talk about this.
The Chicago trip was the best thing that could've happened to me this year. Despite the fact that EVERYTHING was amazing and beautiful, it brought Tyler and I really close. I'm happy with him. I wish some other people were happy with us... It makes me really freaking sad to see allison cry and to hear RC say he doesn't want to be with us when we're together. It makes me wonder if all this is worth it. But I've given up so much in the past, I've sacrificed so much for other people's happiness that, I never got to be the person who sat back and enjoyed themselves. And that's what I want. I've found something good, I do want to hold on to it... as much as I hate seeing my friends get hurt. I can't help my feelings... but what I can help is my friends. I hope to be able to help allison with how she feels and I hope to change the symptoms that RC is feeling. All I can do is try, I'm not sure if anything I've got left to say will change anything.... I'm running out of words.
On another note, I'm really struggling with a bad habit. I promised myself I wouldn't and it's just harder than I thought. When I'm at home it's what I think about. Just thinking about it drives me nuts to the edge of... well, you know.
20 days left of highschool. Graduation is so close... ahhh... :-)
No more stupid kids.
In closing, I realized tonight that I freaking love RC! He's totally my best friend, and I'd probably kill myself if he weren't. He fell asleep on me tonight and I was happy to actually be close with the kid because I've missed him sooo much. We will hang out together more!!!
Why is it that people who don't normally irritate me, are? I tell ya, a few people DEFINITELY have gotten on my nerves this week. I can't wait to graduate from highschool. I want to leave these people... I don't want to be with most, even all, of them. I want to be handed that chance of making new friends in another place. I want to go far away, not come back... that would make me happy. There's nothing here in Fremont for me... not like there used to be. For the most part, I've figured out who I want to stay in contact with and who I will stay in contact with. I've learned who my real friends are and who I can never be friends with. I'm sure not that many people will miss me, they say so, but it all changes.
29 days and counting. *sigh*
[Chicago here I come.]