Its been three weeks.
Apr 1st, 2006 1:11:59 pm - Subscribe
feeling collected
Grooving to: Come Rain or Come shine-Katharine McPhee
And so i have a lot to say.But i will not be able to pen them all down even if given a day.
Mmm,to say it simply,the whole deal of regimentation shook me so much in the first week.I was,shocked,to say the least,and the platoon i was assigned to did not make things any easier.
I've always led a,self-fufilling life,self serving life.Simply,my life revolved around doing things that pleased me and things that made me happy,regardless of whether people liked it or not.
With regimentation,my life had to take a 180 degress turn.There was no more allowance for childish,bratty behaviour.There was no room for expressions of individualism.There was room for one thing,however,and that was uniformity and obedience.
So i struggled.And for the first time in my life,i felt like i had lost control of my emotions,unable to direct my flow and train of thoughts.I struggled.So hard.
My dad called me the first Thursday.I broke down.I felt better.I thought i was fine.2 hours later,queueing up for dinner,in the middle of the line,i lost it again.This was what regimentation did to me.Queueing up for dinner,at the mercy of cooks,made me feel so small,so low,like a prisoner.I've never felt like that ever,so helpless,so unable to change the situation to one which i could control.
Come night time,my mum called,i broke down again,and she lost it too.The next day,things got worst,and i uttered some unnecessary words in the midst of a flurry of emotions to my dad."Sometimes in the morning,when you wake up,you look at the ledge and you think to yourself,'beyond that parapet wall lies my paradise.' "
Naturally,my dad freaked out,and before i knew it,i was back on the mainland ferry terminal on Saturday with my parents,my uncle,my aunt and my sister.We talked for what seemed like an hour,before i had to go back across.I can't remember what we all talked about,but it made me feel so much better.
Its ironic i am writing all this in retrospect now.Because even now,i have lost my ability of think like my normal self.I'm actually afraid.Because i don't know where i am heading to.Everyday in there i talk to the same old group of people that i would never have met if not for this.
Its impossible for anyone else to understand what i felt then and what i feel now.Yes,i feel so much better,but this all came at the cost of my real self.Cowardice seems to have taken over me(naturally,with regimentation and uncultured 21 year old gangsters who threaten to beat up every person who stands in their way).
And for that very same reason,i have also refrained from answering phone calls and replying to messages.Its not that i want your pity or attention by ignoring phone calls or messages and then write an entry like that that seemingly screams for attention.But,the truth is,i have yet to come to terms with a lot of things in my life now and i fear friends-close or not,are unable to understand these things that i went through.In the past week,i have spoken to a few people,and they have all proved me right,they do not judge me because of my weakness.I thank God for them.
This second bookout,i finally mustered the courage and cleared my head enough to write this.I am not airing my dirty linen in public,but i just had to get this off my chest.I have a lot of people i want to talk to.But i need my confidence back.Fast.
At the same time,i really just want to say thankyou to the classguys for their kind messages and phonecalls.Mm,i guess my parents overreacted and i should never have blurted out stupid things like that to them.It was never my intention to take my own life(for one,i love myself too much) and i know some people have to be thinking WHAT DRAMA.But there was no drama.What i was feeling then was extremely scary and i do not want to ever walk down that sorry road again.
Anyhow,i am on a massive,rapid rebound now and i actually am enjoying the company of my platoon mates,especially noteworthy(haha),considering the fact that more than half of them possess completely different family and lifestyle backgrounds from me.
I think i've said all that i have and want to say.Everything is good now and all that drama wasn't for nothing.It made me grow up to actually write this all in perspective.It was time for me to move up a notch in the maturity department and although it came in on me hard and forceful,i had to change.
Army is here to stay for two years.So suck it up.
Comments: (7)
Army awaits.This is it for me.
Mar 10th, 2006 4:32:38 pm - Subscribe
feeling errr
Grooving to: how do i live
I enlist tomorrow,officially at 11.30 am,and for the next two years of my life from this date MARCH 11,i am no longer civilian Ong Poh Siang Kelvin,but recruit/soldier.
Today,i enjoyed my final minutes of freedom while it lasted.Tomorrow,its HELLO TEKONG,PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON ME.
They all say,THE DETRIMENTAL EFFECTS OF CONSCRIPTION.
I say,thank you to all who cared enough to call,to meet up,and everything else(although its really only 2 weeks confinement but WTH.I have already elaborated on this group of people in the previous entry.you know who you are!).I am so thankful and grateful for you being in the constants of my life.Thankyou again!
And to the rest,well,i can only say i'm sort of disappointed but what can you do,apart from this:SCREW YOU! Ahh,you probably will never hear from me ever,ever again anyway(contrary to what i might have said earlier.I also have elaborated in the previous entry on people like you.So yea,see you!)
Today i had the most painful conversation of my life,with my...HAIR.Hair pleaded with me,don't chop me off!But i told Hair,i have to,i hace no choice.Please leave.It pains me to much to see you suffer.Tomorrow i bid Hair farewell.Farewell my hair,for the next three mths!
This is it then,i actually feel quite suicidal in the err,non-suicidal way.As in,morbid and sad thoughts but you are not exactly into hurting yourself and in the process people around you.
So for the next two weeks,this space will be stagnant.But i hope this keeps you entertained enough.
I feel so sad looking at my own picture...Without the hair that is.From tomorrow,i'll look like E.T. for four whole months.
So yea,this really is it!Over the course of the next two weeks,if you miss me enough,you can flood my blog with comments proclaiming your undying love for me,or if you hate me so much you wish i wouldn't have to come back,YOU CAN ALSO SPAM THIS SPACE with hate messages and four letter words.I'll probably see them when i check back here in two weeks.
Till then,i love you all and please have a good life on the mainland.Tekong time.Bye!
Comments: (5)