tears dont fall.
Date: May 1st, 2006 1:34:26 am - Subscribe
my anti-drug <33: "there's no penguins in alaska" - chiodos
"There's always something different going wrong,
The path I walk is in the wrong direction
Theres always someone fucking hanging on
Can anybody help me make things better"
I like these lyrics, they shout out.
-"T'is nice to relate every now and again"
hmmm first day back at school. Term two. The term for midyr exams, year 9's whinge about anything and everyting. Year 10's join in where applicable. Us year 11's barely make a sound while the rest of the seniors grunt trying to squish us into nothingness. We're the 'new' seniors, we shouldnt get any senior priorities cause we havent earnt them yet.
Apparently- Its the same every year.
...But im not going to mention the small, minimal, but really fucking frustrating topic to do with cell phones now being banned. All im gonna say is "grr" and grin and bare it. besides, i'll be out of this hell hole soon enough and up in Auckland 0:]
On a rather depressing note my grandmas been diagnosed with cancer :[ ..I've done one of my usual yet naive way of handling bad things and havent spoken to her yet. I know its stupid, but deep down i feel that if i dont talk to her, and acknowledge the matter.. it doesnt exist. But oh how wrong can i be.
-out- me x
promise me this
Date: Apr 16th, 2006 10:00:41 pm - Subscribe
my anti-drug <33: 'where'd' you go?' - fort minor
Its so stupid. I want to move. I want to move so bad. But there's stuff here thats keeping me, holding me down. At times its hard not to feel trapped. And i guess thats what i am. And its what i will be until i leave.
"Its a phase," they say,"it's time to move on," they say, "you know want to get out of here so grab the chance and take it," they say. But why cant i? Why am i so stubborn and naive?
I boast about leaving this hole, only to bounce back a few moments later and realise is this what i really want? Is this all for what i want to live for? the answer is obviously no. But why is it so hard?
These things pulling for me to stay are minimal despite the fact my dads here. The fact my clsoe friends are moving on and moving out doesnt sway from the cold reality that we're all going to be moving on anyway. So i might as well get it over and done with now. Shouldnt i?
She said the house is blessed; yet filled with negative energy. And what the hell is that supposed to mean? That we're 'blessed' in this house but have to moev to get away from this supposed negative energy?
Fuck im confused.
I just want to leave this town behind; whats happened here will never be forgotten, and for those reasons in the end that why i have to go. We have to go.
Thats about it i guess.
Date: Apr 16th, 2006 9:27:22 pm - Subscribe
he has the nerve to call me naive! god.
..he has a point though >.< stupid scott. Always right.
ermmm easter.. what can i say? Kayne came over and we played sing star 80's pretty much all day. fun stuff. You know getting your bf to sing a 'the best' by Tina Turner has it funny moments *grins*
I want to go on holiday.. to either Spain, Chile or Brazil. Or Canada. lol, dont know why but yup. Major travelling mood.
Supposed to be going to get my learners tomorrow. Dont think i will though. Cant be bothered as its the easter hols and all. Plus ive got work. Bleh.
Feeling kind of used right now.
Date: Apr 5th, 2006 5:47:53 am - Subscribe
my anti-drug <33: 'Forgiveness is murder' - i killed the prom queen
I'm the one that goes through boyfriends like clothes? I'm the one that broke his heart? I'm the one that made him leave school and leave Kawerau? Erm, eh? Something doesn't match up here.
Lying fuckwit. He hasn't even left Kawerau.
God. I wish he'd just jump off a cliff or something; life would be so much easier.
Maybe too easy.
But, *sigh* i could cope with that
Date: Mar 14th, 2006 9:19:15 pm - Subscribe
my anti-drug <33: 'slow down' - the academy is
watching paint dry on an empty canvas and
staring at a starless sky mid afternoon.
Its rather funny. I feel completely relaxed, yet feel like im on a mission somewhat. Strange but yeah. I dont have a clue whats up with me.
I just finished my three Roy Lichtenstein peices for mixed media art. I'm really pleased how they came out.. but i guess i'll see what Mr. Mac thinks about them tomorrow. =o
play dead x
Date: Mar 8th, 2006 12:39:21 am - Subscribe
my anti-drug <33: 'Histriock My Body' - The Higher
i am. =D
Weeeee.. Edgefest soon.. hehe. Meeting Shannon-ish. Still havent figured out what to wear :-S
Haha, hyping up for the ball, even though its a couple of months away.
Hair spray, makeup & Pretty dresses turn me on. =O
Nah, not really. But its something to think about.
Did you know when you're down you should listen to electro music? -apparently-
Its my anti-drug. - surprisingly-
Argh. geo homework sucks something awful.
*Turns up the music*
My heart, a weapon?
Date: Feb 22nd, 2006 11:42:41 pm - Subscribe
my anti-drug <33: 'christmas in hollywood' - hollywood undead
I think its really weird how stuff happens. One thing after the other. Thers never a break, no breathing space. No time to sit back and 'wait' for the next thing, coz well, its already there. One door shuts, another opens. And if you're me, about 20 windows edge open too.
I was going to quite my job today, i was standing in that office, with the resignation in my hand. And then i stopped and thought, why do i have to? They're the one at fault, not me. So i didnt. So im still working as the crummy kitchen hand part time, but i dont really give a shit. Coz after a confrontation from me and my mum (hah go mum) they (the guys im working for) know im ready to leave as soon as something as happens that im not happy about. Again.
~Its called not letting your guard down. Or just being the stubborn cow we all know and love, meh. Which ive learnt not to be over the past couple of months. With this whole crap ex drama, school and now work. Not to mention the never ending battle with some of my mates.
But im taking a step back now, finally.
...Some strange people (not naming any..) think life is about luck. Fuck that. Lifes what you make it. You can sit on your ass all your life and wait for stuff to happen if you want to. But im just saying now, it wont happen as quickly as you think it will. Thats if it actually happens at all...
~:~Im.. looking into the future, heh, and i cant wait for whats going to be happening. Moving again.. to somewhere i can breathe. Dont exactly know when we're going to.. we were talking about maybe the end of this year? But yea, im already looking into it. lol. trust me
I think this town has a real bad impact on kids. Obviously. They think its a dead end, a one way street where the only way out is to get pregnant and go on the benefit. But for me and Courts, we wanna get out of here. And we're going to! While everyone else it gonna be layin on the couch, watchin the tv, with millions of kids running around in a lil dump.. we're gonna be the ones doing something with our lives. We've got it planned. And no one is gonna stop us, eh court's? :]
A lot of bad shits been going on lately, and strangely enough i know it could have been avoided. If id actually taken the time to listen to some of my closest mates i could have turned away.. But. Everything happens for a reason right?
Gotta move with it or sink. And im not about to sink just yet. If ever.
this obscure reality?
Date: Feb 8th, 2006 11:35:35 pm - Subscribe
my anti-drug <33: \'death to disco\' - goodnight nurse
hmmmm what have i got to look forward to this year?
*getting my license..
*getting my car!
*actually figuring out my new job
*making more money
*my bday, hehe
*as courts would say.. "IM Legal!!"
*(but that doesnt count, lol)
*& all that stuff inbetween
Goin to corn evil tomorrow!~ cant wait. Well yea i s'pose i could wait but it wouldnt be as much fun, heh. You're meant to be 16 & over to get into the horror maze.. but cody managed to weedle us in so thats kool. And im 16 in.. about 4/5months so i should be counted -_-;
did u kno school = shit with a lot of llamas ontop? I know its gay but its how i ..feel..
*que the violins*
I dont really know whats been up with me lately. And as cody keeps reminding me, my life is just one big drama after the next. I told him 'no way.. they're only mini dramas with a hint of something else' but they're becoming more & more frequent & definately more obscure.
To say the least.
but... life goes on.
dum dumm dummm
I guess back to school's always a drag but this year just doesnt seem right. Its all wrong. Might be coz it got off to a bad start? *shrugs*
*living with it, very much so*
..night night x
let it fade.
Date: Jan 19th, 2006 3:44:12 am - Subscribe
my anti-drug <33: \'Suffocating Under Words Of Sorrow\' Bullet For My Valentine
~got back from the uk on the ermm 8th? yer, the 8th. And i havent really been sat still since ive been back.. which is kinda weird, heh.
Anyways im still with Marc. Surprise, Surprise. *looks shocked* ..none of my mates think it will last and to honest im still kind of doubtful. I mean, yea he's a great guy but he's like the complete opposite from what i usually go for. He's like the bad boy type, bordering on leaving school, left home at 16.. *sigh* and is flatting in town. Yet he's horrendously funny and we get along great. -and no, im not judgemental.
Mums not flippin happy but ive kinda taken a side-step into not caring anymore. Dont see the point.
~feeling kinda dead- need an early night- blah
the \'perfect\' xmas?
Date: Dec 26th, 2005 10:25:06 am - Subscribe
my anti-drug <33: \'the process\' - my american heart
dumped chris on the 9th - got with Marc on the 10th.
I.. couldnt handle this thing with Chris anymore. Got told by Manan that id changed; and to be honest, i could see it too.
*sigh of relief* Its over
Whatever happened to a white Christmas? One where the fire is lit, robins are singing in their cosy nests, and everyone is gathered around the dining table, laughing, cheering and acting scarily perfect . I think its all media crap. Raise your hands if you've actually had a Christmas like that ^.^
My Christmas wasnt that bad tho, had some laughs. Nice to back in the uk for a family one for once. Coz im staying at my grandmas.. we had Jenny and Matthew come over with their kids which was okay-ish. Lauren's 11 and acts like she's the know-it-all tart of the centuary and lil Jonathan on the other hand is the cutest, yet quietest 7year old ive ever met. My aunt, Jenny, is a ditz, and since ive been here we keep getting mistaken for sisters o.O ..yay.. And Matthew is an older version of Jonathan, just takes the quiet-ness to a new level of 'silent power'. Strange really.
So yea my Christmas was good. Just goes to show how fast this year has gone by tho, and also how much has happened. ~lets reflect~ lol, no, i wont bore you too much.
I'll be flying away from the freezing cold of Wimborne and back into the arms of Marc and back to summer in.. 11days! *grins*
Im still trying to figure out what Boxing Day is actually used for tho so i think i'll be off
~Hope everyone had a good xmas
shh.. Steve - pink robotic lust
Date: Dec 1st, 2005 4:00:46 pm - Subscribe
my anti-drug <33: \'the mixed tape\' - Jacks Mannequin
sitting at the comp, in my pjs, my hair is undoubtedly a mess but nothing is ever perfect, and we'll all just have to live with that. Wont we?
Sometimes its the tiniest things that give you the largest hiccups in life, sweating the small stuff shouldnt be an issue. The sun's out, you're alive, shouldnt we all be happy about that? No, well not entirely. Everyone is constantly muddling over the bigger picture, just take one step at a time.. do us all a favor.
~ courtneys sad coz ryden 'came back from the dead' and dumped her.
~A dumped Cris coz 'we' were all apparently calling her a slut and she couldnt handle it(excuse me but i never uttered the word slut in her direction thank you very much.
~Jema rang before, just pissed me off for the hell of it. She has a funny knack of always managing to do that
~Still havent heard from Chris. No comment.
I went to the circus last night ~ yes, animal cruelty reared its ugly head yet again ~but it wasn't that bad. Hmmm italian trapeze artists sure are cute tho ;]
Majorly snubbed David when i was with Cody.. purely coz of how he acted when i was with Marc. I dont regret a thing.
my pink roboty friend to the.. right --->
is called Steve, coz he looks like a Steve lol, well to me anyway
x o x o x
Date: Nov 28th, 2005 4:38:56 pm - Subscribe
I think im holding on to him for no purpose imaginable. Just for the pure sake of having something to hold onto. Its.. just weird. I use to think we were going to get somewhere, we used to say we were. Then he got yet another job and I started hearing from him a little less often and now.. and now, its all gone wrong.
Knowing him he probably thinks nothing has changed.
Knowing me im just overreacting and thinking too deeply into this.
But it hurts?
Date: Nov 27th, 2005 2:43:42 pm - Subscribe
Where are all the good men dead, in the heart or in the head?
I’ve got to rise to release these thoughts
The dream that’s not quite dead; just dormant inside my weary head
Eating away at the back of my mind
Feeding hungrily on my inhibitions
Taking away every ounce of the safety that lies within
Within the war that wages the lesser self.
Subconscious minds make fatigued decisions
Turning every breath into a burden we all have to bare
Assumptions made that some would rather not expose,
While lying deep within the shadows of remorse and repentance
A hope hung high on a swaying branch
A branch willing to snap at any given chance
Why don’t you be my branch?
^^ profound and deep thoughts coming from inside my head thingie
Date: Nov 26th, 2005 2:45:22 am - Subscribe
my anti-drug <33: \'so far away\' - crossfade
gotta do some writing, ive gotta make some sense of this.
#1. Manan thinks hes in the way of me in Chris. He knows im on the edge of breaking up with him but he feels that hes cuasing me to sway. So what? Manans an ex. I wouldnt go back to him coz I thought we had built up this bullet-proof friendship. And now he wants to to do a Houdini on me. (???)
#2. I have so much shit gonig on with my friends that its unbelievable and im just about the only one sane.
(a) J with dumping Cris coz he cheated on her with Ay
(b)Ay getting pissed at me coz im backing up J
(c)Courts getting the rear end from Ay coz shes sticking up and looking after J with me
(d) Marc getting really flippin annoying; wanting me to break up with Chris for him.
#3. I so cant hack this relationship right now. I havent heard from Chris since Sunday.. so obviously my 'blow up' didnt go according to plan. (plan? wtf there was no plan! It was a mere jump off the cliff and hopefully land on my feet kinda thing)
.This sucks. ^^
..On the other hand.. i got my belly button pierced and it looks awesome! *yay* and.. i finished school for summer and xmas and new year *double yay* ..so relieved ^-^
All over for another year.. I set of to england in 2weeks! =]
Date: Nov 22nd, 2005 7:36:35 pm - Subscribe
my anti-drug <33: \'Burn\' - Elemeno P
Marc's not such a jerk after all.
I went for a walk with him while i was meant to be 'at home sick' like 2hours ago and we talked.. and yea.. hes not that bad.
Shame i cant do anything about it.
But alas! just as far as my luck goes i saw my mum, when i was walking with marc.. hmm while im meant to be 'sick'.. and yes, i seriously wanted to die.
You know how hard it is to explain to your mum that you're actually still really sick but just had to leave the house to get a vodafone card from the shop? And just happened to bump into marc on his way to an exam?
...she already thinks theres somethin goin on between us. (Just like everyone else at school) And whenever she sees us we're always messing around playfighting and getting all touchy so i believe this confirms her suspicion but anyway i think i'll live. Well i hope.
She thinks he would be a bad influence on me. Fuck that. I dont particularily care what she thinks at this moment in time. Yes i'll admit hes abit of a badboy but come on.. we're only friends!
Not to mention i definately wouldnt cheat on Chris coz i love him. So my mother can just keep her suspicious thoughts to herself as far as im concerned.
your vacuum sucks.
Date: Nov 21st, 2005 5:30:16 pm - Subscribe
Mood: \'Roses For The Dead\' - Funeral For a Friend
random as fuck <3
..really tired, so i took the day off school. Had a large does of semi-slave labor yesterday; was bribed into taking all the desks in the hall back to their classes. (over 600 desks may i add) so my arms are aching unbelievabley and i didnt even get a refferal. So i suppose that was my main reason to stay off. Peaceful protest at its best.
The other reason, was that i didnt wanna even 'see' marc, as hes an imature jerk. Even tho i know deep down that i'll see him tomorrow and he'll be his normal self once again, i dont feel i have enough energy to enter that ring of fire today.
Plus i feel sick :[
so yer.. Larnz is meeting Antz today.. hope it goes well for her =)
mum gave me the ''you're off sick so you can do some housework'' lecture this morning ..she doesnt believe im ill. Dare say i dont blame her. But the vacuum in the closet sucks. Yup.. i know how obvious that may seem, but meh
over and out/under and in
the makeup just wont hide the scars of time
Date: Nov 18th, 2005 1:48:24 am - Subscribe
my anti-drug <33: \'lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off\' - panic! at the disco
exams are over!
only one more week left of school!
Im getting my bellybutton pierced tomorrow; dont ask me why. I got forced into it coz Marc got his lip done today and he wants me to get somethin done.. But then again, its nearly summer so yea.. gotta show some effort O.o ..Im dragging Courts with me, simply coz we're gonna go see that movie The Exorcism of Emily Rose might drag Cody along too ..is it any good?
since my blow up at Chris the other day hes kinda been all over me, unbelievable none the less. But its all good. I think it shocked him that i can actually make a stand when i have to. And shit, i had to.
anyways gotta get some sleep
xox lotsa luv'n stuff inbetween xox
Date: Nov 12th, 2005 1:34:07 am - Subscribe
my anti-drug <33: \'this is the new shit\' - marilyn manson
god im dumb sometimes. I had everything way out of line. And he kinda apologised and i pretty much spewed my heart out about how i felt. How i actually do still feel.
But yea.. its all good. I would rather delete my previous blog, as its really depressing. Which is so not how i actually am! Its just how i felt a little while ago.. all gone now.
.Happy again. *cheers*
See when im sad. I dont exactly stay sad for a long time. =P ..which is a good thing, i gotta add in somewhere.
So yea, this is me being relieved. That everything is back to normal. And he still loves me. And im a major dork for thinking otherwise.
So.. i swallowed my pride and got it over and done with. And i couldnt feel better.
night night xoxox
Date: Nov 11th, 2005 11:45:00 pm - Subscribe
my anti-drug <33: \'before i forget\' - slipknot
.bloody stupid emotions.
The sense of forever longing, overriding the fact i know you acts like a jerk sometimes.
The imense feeling of love when i remember your lips upon mine and his arms around me, protecting me.
Hanging on only becuase the way you make me feel when i know you're there.
Practice makes perfect after subtlety can only melt to confusion when i dont hear from you for weeks at a time.
Back again, only to play the same games, pull me in closer, push me out further. Wind me up, reel me in, do it again.
You know you love it.
You've got me where you wants me. Hooked line and sinker. Im a fool. Addicted. Yet again.
Where's my anti-drug?
omgsh im so flippin pissed off
probably safer that way
night all x
the personality disorder quiz thingie-ma-jig o.O
Date: Nov 5th, 2005 6:14:47 pm - Subscribe
my anti-drug <33: \'Nil By Mouth\' - Blindspott
..interesting o.O ..
Guy fawks was awesome last night! Me and courts nearly set 2 trees and a bush on fire coz the rocket went sideways instead of upways ^^ it was fun tho. hehe.
Got a ton of revision to get up to today.. *boo* ..exams are only 8 days away! (0_0)
The end of the year is so close its unbelievable.. (its gone so fast!) and then i get to go to england.. *yay* ..cant wait, it'll be great to get away for a month
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