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deathcab4u Satellite Repairs - Subscribe
It wasn't a long ride from Clayton's home to the depot, but it wasn't exactly a short one either. The sun would be above the horizon by the time he was getting off the tram at his destination. The trams are relatively comfortable. They hard metal seats are at least contoured in a way that seems encourage healthy posture.

This far out from the city center there are only a few passengers remaining on board for the last half of the journey. Young looking, but of course almost everyone looks young. Most dressed like farmers and a few students. One man dressed and assuming the appearance of a merchant.

He is the only one that seems impatient to get to where we are going, the rest of them content to watch out the window and occasionally make eye contact and smile with each other. Except for the business man, he darts away his gaze if eye should accidentally meet.

Now there were only a handful of green dots on the minimap. It was Clayton, the business man, an old woman and a student on the train with just the tram engineer and conductor on board. In his periphery armor suit he attracted more than a few glances and stares throughout the journey but the three other passengers in the car seemed used to his presence by now. It isn't often people see a ranger on public transportation. Especially one with the amount of equipment and armaments as Clayton was carrying.

Surely he was being talked about now as the departed passengers reached their laboratories and offices, markets, and fields. What was a fully equipped ranger doing out his way? The threats were in the jungles to the west and south. They came down from the mountains to the north. But there was nothing to the east. It is a desert that no one has ever come back from.

As the tram came to a halt and the doors opened the old woman smiled a goodbye at Clayton and he bowed back reverently. The business man gathered his things and was off in a huff, never looking back. The student was absorbed in a video call with an attractive girl which brought back Clayton's memories from the night before.

"Was it real? Was she real? Was it all just the dream? Too many questions," he told himself. Of course she was real and he had indeed met her but he had never fallen in love before and nobody had warned him what it would feel like.

"Damnit, I really need to focus," he mutters to himself as he walks the remainder of the way to the depot. "This is not the day to be distracted."

This is the first time those five satellites will go online. Patrol units made two trips in the last week to clear the way. Only two encounters with predators on the first patrol and none the second.

He will have to stay calm and alert, keeping patient as he divides his attention between two tasks. If he loses himself completely in his work he will end up somebody's lunch.

He enters a sequence of numbers onto a pad next to a set of blast doors. They open up and he slips into a dimly lit hallway disappearing from sight.



0 Comments
Mood: ill have to change this box
I hear: my dad's tv set

deathcab4u Waking up Oct 8th, 2014 10:16:39 am - Subscribe
Waking up is usually mundane. In the city it might be accompanied by the sounds of trams and cars in the intersections.

Out in the country the rooster calls out at first light, he is followed by the crescendo of bird song.

Either way, all but the very unfortunate few will wake up where they went to sleep. Seamlessly arising to meet a new day where it left off the night before.

On this particular day Clayton Wade woke up like he did most days. Ten minutes before his alarm went off he was up and getting ready. Having no particular reason to think today was different than any other, his thoughts were simple and pleasant. With the face of a woman he met last night filling his mental vision he shaved and got dressed robotically. His imagination engrossed in a little fantasy he continued from the dream just before he came to.

Boop-Beep-Boop! Boop-Beep-Boop! "Wake-up-bro," says the alarm. He waved his hand quickly but smoothly over something on a hook and the chime ceased to alert.

"Where was I?" he asked himself out loud. The device on the hook chimed in, "Good morning Clayton, you have five satellites today. I -"

He waves his hand over it again, silencing it. He put it on and finished getting dressed. With his fantasy broken by the interrupting watch there was nothing left to do but gather his focus for a long day.

Most field engineers would never have five satellites in one day but Clayton is one of the most exceptional of his time. However often he fails to see that about himself it is true none the less. Todays route has him going the furthest out anyone has ever gone from the city. It is a dangerous endeavor.

Once outside the city walls there are things of all shapes and sizes that want to eat humans. The threat is constant, however the most travelled routes are fairly safe. "Patrolman with weapons have done well to keep the city safe," he thinks to himself, "but there have been not patrols to where I'm going."

He is going to have to be vigilant today. He fastens on a full periphery suit. It's even better than eyes in the back of your head. This technology enhances the senses to superhuman levels. With it he can hear like a bat, see like an eagle, and feel electromagnetic fields of living organisms. It's armor as well, protecting from piercing and slashing as well. However, it can't protect him from being crushed, picked up, thrown, flown or pulled apart. "So I'll bring backup batteries for my plasma rifle."

He is beginning to look more like a cool astronaut than a ranger as he latches his spare ammo batts onto his waist belt. Rifle slung over one shoulder and a tool bag full of interesting objects hanging low on the hip. A sleek helmet completed the equipment.

The visor on the helmet came to life. After a few moments a heads up display came over the visor like it was a computer screen. His map and other vital information displayed around the edges of the screen. The computer constantly analysing the world around through cameras, satellites and the periphery suit. Life forms start dotting up all over on the map, the friendly green dots aren't the ones he need worry about.









0 Comments
Mood: disgusted

moonlit Crossroads May 1st, 2012 8:11:10 pm - Subscribe
Do you ever feel like you are stuck? Like no matter which choice you make you have no way of telling what could happen? I feel that way right now. My heart and mind are in a battle....but then...a small glimmer of something else comes along and suddenly I'm at a crossroads. Can someone be happy and sad at the same time? Love someone and despise them too? It's like I want to hold on to all I have yet reach for something else at the same time. I'm trying to stay above water in a River thats flowing to fast.

My daughter Raelynn gives me so much joy. She is 9 months now and she is growing so fast I wish there was something I could do to slow her down. She is totally the best thing in my life.

Does it sound horrible to say that I kinda wish that I didn't get married? Dont get me wrong, I LOVE Jesse, and the last 3 years have been good for the most part, but sometimes I crave my independance. I feel like we are so different in so many ways. We are both really head strong and that often clashes. I feel like I'm always giving in instead of going after what I want too. He is so used to "parenting" his own parents what he thinks he has to parent me as well. Stress.

"and I never wanted anything from you, except everything you have and what was left after that too" -The dog days are over




0 Comments
Mood: burdened

long_gone Kids! Jul 18th, 2011 7:54:06 am - Subscribe
Went swimming at the lake yesterday with my fiancée, some friends, and there kids. It was a lot of fun actually! They have a 1 1/2 yr old and it was his first time in anything bigger than a kiddie pool. He had a floaty but his face was still great to see. Big old smile and an evil giggle here and there. Amazing how a kid can make your day better. Was way grumpy after a while yesterday when I was getting tired. Also we ran into one of dads "friends". I should totally be used to it by now but some things just still get to me and some "surprises" just take a while to shake off. Oh, well whats done is done, and stuff is just stuff. In the long run they say its the thought that counts and as long as you still have these people in your heart they'll always be with you. Man, I hope that's true. Hoping to bug my Tab to go with me and Grams dress shopping soon.... I'm getting EXCITED!!! Just gotta not let myself stress the small stuff. The important detail is I love the big head, he makes me smile, and he tries. With that, eventually we can fix the rest. Well I believe this is one of my longer rambling posts and so far not to grumpy sounding...good sign?.... maybe?....well shit either way I'll take it! grin.gif
0 Comments
Mood: better

long_gone No privacy or any sense of a real life. Apr 6th, 2011 10:37:43 am - Subscribe
I don't really feel like writing at this moment I really feel like ranting to the heavens, to the neighbors, to anyone and everyone who will listen. I wanna just tear out my hair and scream and be a crazy person. I mean really!!! I have no internet yet I try to get on as often as I can. Writing soothes and calms me, it helps me keep my head on straight which is great with the everything else that's going on. However I can't even do that. I have... I mean had... a journal at my house to write in and after the 4th person to pretty much destroy/read it I quit! Fuck it i'll write in it when I can and damn any poor souls who are around between now and then. Should I put a dead bolt on my bedroom door in my own house just so I can keep something...anything...private. Ridiculous. Should I just start tryin to be a raging psycho so maybe there scared of me and leave my shit alone? I am supposed to get marries in a year and I'm not sure if i even want to. Who wants one or all 3 of there brother -in-laws living on there couch sucking them dry like a leech. I love Kenny truly with all my heart but it has been almost 5 years now and nothing has changed in that department we just keep trading them out. I am so almost over this. Yes I know I seem to always be bitching on here but I have no one to talk to and obviously no journal left so FFUCK IT!!! Worl be prepared. Hopefully next time I get on I can write and entry full of sunshine and light but realistically.... probably not.
0 Comments
Mood: hopeless

deathcab4u must write Apr 2nd, 2011 4:15:43 pm - Subscribe
in times of serious crazies i tend to throw an entry down on my old friend, Aeonity.

the sparse manic entries that i scribble

i miss writing, i want to write

must write


I recently subjected myself to an ordeal of patience, compassion and enlightenment.

"Be careful what you wish for," or some variation of the proverb.

Enlightenment whooped my ass. Exhausted physically and mentally. Stability has been a day to day, hour to hour mystery.

Anxiety can strike like those expensive military drones. A missile of fast breath, tight chest and confusion.

I think anxiety is a respectable opponent. A dirty weapon, not to be underestimated.

Those peddling fear know the power of anxiety.

Fortunately, though, fear is hollow.

Pushed back by the flame of a pure heart. Shattered by the piercing blow of sharp intellect. Softened by compassion. Defeated with patience. Outwitted by simplicity.

Fear has no place in my life, cast aside with hope. Neither have substance, and I will not cling to either.
2 Comments
Mood: anxious
I hear: The Cure

long_gone When it rains it pours... Oct 25th, 2010 8:24:03 am - Subscribe
I don't get to get on much anymore. Seems crazy because i used to get one all the time. But now i'm always working or watching kids, plus I don't have my own net connection anymore. I have a journal at home on paper. It's just not the same. It's totally getting to the point were I don't wanna answer my phone anymore. Every time I do it's someone telling me bad news or wanting something. I hate to break it to people but I have way too much shit to do already to add holding there hand to that list. The people who need the help the most don't want it and everyone else is so used to someone cleaning up there messes for them that they keep askin for help they don't really need. I'm just gonna do what I can for who I can and say screw the rest. You can't pick your own kids up from school. I don't care. You can't pay your bills because you spent all of your money on stupid crap. I don't care. You are gonna have to work late because I requested the day off...for once..... I don't care. I am broke, lonely and sad too you see me tryin to get anyone else to make it better...no... cuz I did it to myself just stop bitchin and fix it if you want it to get better. No one says your step dad is dying of cancer here's some free money so you can go up and see him. No one says your mom needs help...here's a work vacation so you can go help her take care of him. No one says your are going to be very close if not late on rent this month... dont worry bout it live here for free. No one says you need phone minutes to keep up with the tests results phone messages... here's a free phone card. No... no ones wiping my ass or making my life easier why should I try so damn hard to help with there's especially when it keeps getting me screwed over. Oh, well there's my bitchy hormonal "grown adults should take care of themselves or have no legal rights rant." Think of me what you will cuz guess what... I DON'T CAREgrin.gif lol
0 Comments
Mood: losin it

broknangel The Truth. Jun 27th, 2010 4:36:43 am - Subscribe
This is the truth.

My life hasn't been an easy one. In everything I've struggled, and at every turn I come under the scrutiny of my family. The judgement. Why am I not better than who I am? The truth? They couldn't handle. The people I've lived with. The things I've dealt with? Sometimes even I don't even want to know.

I stopped "Living" at home when I was about 15. Everything I owned was still there, but I had license, and friends, and things with my family were going downhill. So i just stopped living there. It started with staying at a mates. for two or three weeks at a time. Sometimes more. I would come home for a week, and go away for four. I suppose it didn't help that I had quit school.

I turned 16. I got a job, and a car. I started housesitting. My grandparents went away when my grandfather was having chemo. I housesat. For six months. Bought my own food. etc. Everything. I guess I got the taste. By 16 I was a regular smoker, and I certainly wasn't a stranger to alcohol. My family? Back of my mind. Coming from a strong christian upbringing, i was breaking free... and in all the wrong ways.

At 17 I got myself a really good job in the town over from mine. I got on really well with the people I worked with, and soon moved in with a workmate, sleeping on a mattress in the living room for 3 months. Chain smoking, smoking pot, and drinking was a daily occurance.

Not long after my 18th birthday I moved into my first official flat. I was living with a girl. Lets call her "Sarah"... She seemed pretty cool, and in fact we got on like a house on fire. All her friends were straight away my friends, and I even began to call her mother "mum". Unfortunately the financial pressures of having a big house for just the two of us started to kick in and we decided to find another flatmate. A guy moved into the two bedroom sleepout outside, lets call him "Joe". He was straight. I mean so straight, I actually thing he might have been gay. His parents were rich, and constantly gave him everything he needed. I soon found out that "Joe" like "Sarah" was BiPolar. Neither of them felt like having a job, so both of them spunged off the government. It was alright to start with. I would get up at 6, be at work at 7, finish work at 5, and have tea, and go to bed. On the weekends we would get on the piss, and go out town. We started having parties. The parties were epic. To start with. They wen't downhill. The people got seedier and seedier, there were burns all over the carpets, from dropping spotting knives, the ceilings, once white, were now kind of brown from all the smoking, and there was rubbish everywhere, and there was NOTHING I could do about it. Of course during this time I had met "David".

It all came to a head when "Sarah" got particularly mental and I announced I was moving out. She went bitchy on me and psycho, and I hurriedly moved in with "David".

BAD MOVE!.

Everything was fine in the start. I lived with him, and in the house also lived his sister and her fiancee, and a friend of theirs. We all got on really well, and we all liked each other, and we had some amazing parties. Unlike parties at my old flat, the property was never damaged. There was no drugs, and there was no fights. It was great. Unfortunately I had got really sick, and lost my job, and was regularly having seizures. This i know put a lot of stress on "David". He got his dream job back in the town I had just moved from, and we moved back. We moved into a flat with two girls that just seemed awesome when we met them. Turns out its because they were drugged up to their gills. It gets worse.

Not only did they do every drug known to man, but the dealt half of it as well. We had parties. (come to think of it now, our partying was probably half the problem). The night never ended well, and within a couple of months, after only a year and a bit together, "david" and I broke up, caused, in part, by "Sarah", who I had tried to be-friend once again, who aparently was more interested in "david" than me. The day we broke up my best friend moved me into her house. Me and my cat Kiera, who I had gotten just after I moved in with "david" thrived in the new environment, and despite being heartbroken, and regularly taking way to many sleeping pills with wine, Things started to look up.

I was going out 4 nights a week, getting home trashed at 4am, sleeping til 3pm, and starting all over again. I was still sick, but i was improving. Christmas came and "David" and I started talking. we had both come to the decision that there was nobody else and on new years we got back together. at the same time I was well enough to start work, and i started looking for a job. Unfortunately my relationship with my best friend was deteriorating due to our rediculously different personalities constantly being shoved together, so I also started to look for a new place to live. I got a job and moved out in the same week.

I moved in with an older lady. I decided that if I wanted a more relaxed situation, then I would need to live with someone more mature. Not long after I moved in she announced she was a lesbian and her partner was moving in. I was slightly weirded out, but I was alright with it. Drugs re-rared their ugly head. The partner was a heavy pot smoker. Well I don't know why, but one day, six months later, the partner decided she didn't like me living there, and the lady asked me to move out. So i looked, and advertised for something LONG TERM. I was sick of moving. I was sick of uprooting my cat! Every time she got comfortable in a situation we would be moved on.

I found a place. It seemed nice. The guy was lovely, he had four daughters, and it was an enormous old house. I had my own entrance, my own carpark, my own bathroom/toilet, and the kitchen was right outside my bedroom. It wasn't to be. First of all the girlfriend turned out to be psycho, and came to me in the middle of night whenever they two of them had a fight, and the kids turned out to be demons!. They would use my toilet, and not flush it, and use all my shampoo, conditioner, bodywash etc. And once again, he constantly smoked weed.

When he started being awful to my cat, then I started getting uncomfortable, and it got to the stage where I was sneaking out first thing in the morning before anyone got up, and coming home extremely late at night when I was sure they were all in bed. I was terrified of seeing him. I was terrified that something would happen to my cat, and I was exhausted. For three months.

My best friend and her mother came to me and asked me to move back in. They love me, they trust me, and they hated their new flatmate. They were going away for 9 months and didn't trust him not to steal everything. So i moved in, and they left. A few weeks later he moved out. A couple of weeks later, i got a new kitten.

Now my life is good. I live alone. I have my cat and kitten to keep each other company when I'm working, and I see "david" regularly. I don't have to clean up after anyone, hide when people come to the door, or pay other peoples bills.

Finally. I'm in a place where I don't need to be ashamed.

And "david" and I are celebrating our 3 YEAR anniversary next week. happy.gif

0 Comments
Mood: burned-out
I hear: So Cold - Breaking Benjamin

long_gone Mixed up and confused! Mar 19th, 2010 11:47:12 pm - Subscribe
Everything has been crazy lately. It seems almost impossible that its been a year since my dad passed. Some days are normal and some days it seems like my brain will explode! I am so emotional lately I start crying over little things. I get irritated over nothing, and not sleeping well. Anyway long story short I decides that it was stuff I could no longer deal with myself and went to the local Lutheran which offers free counciling and talked to lady. I am on a waiting list and have to wait for another appointment I am super nervous and yet mildly excited at the same time. It's hard. I hate asking people for help and I don't like talking to strangers. But its been a long time since I've had someone to talk to that was not judging me based on what they wanted for.me. God I hope they get space soon. I completely understand that there are people out there that need help sooner than me I am just nervous and impatient. I worry about everything too much... including worrying too much. Oh well I'll survive. Hopefully. Just kidding. Well time to try and sleep now that I've mildly calmed the tornado of my mind. B-dee, b-dee, b-dee that's all folks!
0 Comments
Mood: fragile

deathcab4u Low Energy Jan 11th, 2010 1:58:42 pm - Subscribe
Been up late for too many nights in a row and I feel pretty damn tired finally. I hate when things catch up to me. I run run run, push push push, try to get away with as much as I can.

Pushing limits of my sanity, society and political correctness on a daily basis.

It isn't that I am extremely active and busy, I just cannot get the rest I require even for my lazy lifestyle.

Anyways, although much of my current physical status is due to lack of sleep I am also guilty of a few things I want to change. I need to eat healthier, stop smoking and exercise.

Typical things most people want to do, things that I need to do. My body has changed in the last 2 years and it bothers me more than I let myself think.

Step 1: Get proper rest. If I could get my sleep schedule straight I would actually have time for eating better and exercising.

Those three things would help my life so much, physically and mentally. It would make the bi-polar more friendly too.
2 Comments
Mood: out of shape, tired, hopeful
I hear: Kill Hannah

deathcab4u while you sleep Jan 3rd, 2010 4:54:59 pm - Subscribe
I have had a nauseating vortex of thoughts lately. I cant focus but I ponder over fleeting ideas for a few moments before the next idea or distraction.

I guess I am coming to accept that bipolar is real. I am doing pretty great the last few months though. I have learned how to do this without medication pretty well.

I decided that it is part of who I am and I don't want to take pills to change that.

Writing my thoughts seems to be an effective way for me to cope. The things I wouldn't burden a friend with or don't care to discuss with people I know can be thrown off into the void of the netz. Sure some people I know might read it but it's on their own time and effort. I can be sure I am not being a downer to them.

As soon as I can concentrate again I want to plan a day to take photographs somewhere. Not sure where yet but I need to take more pictures.

I will be 23 years old in a month and a half. A sense of urgency to take more steps towards my goals is grabbing hold.
3 Comments
Mood: dizzy
I hear: Something Corporate(a guilty pleasure of mine)

deathcab4u Motivation Dec 28th, 2009 8:19:26 pm - Subscribe
I feel motivated to pursue my goals now that I am less upset over the premature ending of what I thought was a nice relationship. I was her first boyfriend so I was silly to think we would make any real connection after all I've been through.


But that motivation thing. I am having non stop day dreams about photography, my media company I am working on and it excites me.

I need to go go go and realize some of these dreams once all the holiday madness dissipates.

Normally I am not hostage to the festivities but my life has become so social as of late that I am low on energy and time for myself.

Time to regroup and re-focus on what I love.
0 Comments
Mood: motivated but no gas in the tank
I hear: Kill Hanna - Radio

deathcab4u Don't Sleep Dec 23rd, 2009 6:36:26 am - Subscribe
..and everything felt good until I fell asleep. There in my dreams I was vulnerable and haunted by the painful memories of bad things that never happened..

...another piece of my heart handed away. The hole left behind to be filled by her love. Instead darkness sinks in, cold tendrils of despair tighten. For it isn't her that the boy desires now...it is a longing to love and to be loved...
2 Comments
Mood: sad
I hear: video games in the other room

deathcab4u fail... Dec 21st, 2009 8:33:09 pm - Subscribe
Fooled again.

Never been led on this bad.

I knew better but I fell for her anyways.

The saddest part?

I will let it happen again and again and again with each girl I fall for.

Where are the girls that are meant for guys like me?

...or is that just a dream I will chase to my grave...
0 Comments
Mood: ugh...
I hear: Jimmy Eat World - Clarity

deathcab4u Merry X-Mas Dec 18th, 2009 4:02:49 pm - Subscribe
Well it's that time of year again.

Friday nights are pretty low key around the apartment. For me it's the end of a long 6 day work week. I would say I look forward to enjoying my day off (saturdays) but it's always the busiest day of the week.

Getting a new bed delivered, need to do some shopping to support the economy, er...christmas.

OH....and I am going to meet my girlfriends parents. This has never phased me in all my life....until now. Usually I get away with meeting a girls parents the first few times in passing...a few brief chats when i pick a girl up for a date.

This event is some sort of making cookies and hanging out for the day shit and its a bit of a thing because her sister is in town for the holiday.

WHO WILL BE MY GET AWAY DRIVER?!

No good excuses lined up for leaving if I get awkward. I guess it's because i have been feeling pretty 'emo' the past few days and not interested in chatting up parents.

WISH ME LUCK. I'm sure my charm will kick in. It always does.
1 Comments
Mood: discombobulated
I hear: Head Automatica

deathcab4u Hello, Link on my Favorites Bar Nov 9th, 2009 2:46:32 pm - Subscribe
For sake of simplicity I use Safari.

It has a nice little favorites bar.

This Blog is on that bar.

It's crazy how I can see something everyday and not really notice it or give real thought to it.

Today was weird for me. I convinced myself of something silly. But I held to my decision about silly thoughts like that, which is not to get carried away by them.

Go figure that I was right and that i was thinkin crazy thoughts. Closer and closer to handling my feelings I am.

Soon my roommate will be home. Hello Duvel Golden Ale and dicking around on my iPhone.

Well, Open Office should be downloaded by now (Was super slow to getting it on this comp). Going to update the good ol resume and get busy.

Money is the only thing I like more than women or myself...and the best thing in the world is all of those things together at the same time!
0 Comments
Mood: pleased with myself
I hear: The Avett Brothers-I and Love and You

long_gone Too true... May 1st, 2009 4:38:39 am - Subscribe
I heard this song and I didn't know why I lvoed it so much at first. Then I looked up the lyrics and realized I probably couldnt have writted the feelngs any better myself. But it's how I feel most days...


"I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the mornin'
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Ah, the sun is blindin'
I stayed up again
Oh, I am findin'
That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
'Cause I won't remember, save your breath
'Cause what's the use?

Ah, the night is callin'
And it whispers to me softly, "Come and play"
But I, I am fallin'
And if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
I'm lookin' for myself, sober

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
Lookin' for myself, sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good 'til it goes bad
'Til you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry 'never again'
Broken down in agony, just tryin' find a friend, oh, oh

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?"
2 Comments
Mood: needy

long_gone R.I.P. J.M.B. Apr. 2nd 2009 Apr 6th, 2009 11:39:20 pm - Subscribe
My father passed away like...3... days ago... wow only three I can't believe it, it feels infinitely longer and at the same time shorter than that. I have only broke down once so far, thank god, but I just know it's coming. I am numb right now I am sure this entry will come off very blah for such a horrible event but I just can't seem to let myself feel much because as soon as I do I will loose it. I can't afford to lose it right now because we have to do the funeral and the caskets and all of that still. I am not the oldest it is not technically my job to do those things but I can't leave my sister to do it all her self, she needs help and she needs someone to be there for her as much if not, honestly, more than we do. There is a lot on her shoulders right now and I hope I have helped relieve that in some small way. My younger brother scares me we almost lost him last year, and he's on meds for depression and he hasn't cried or really got upset at all. I am hoping he is just sticking it out and trying to stay strong like the rest of us but eventually I know he has to let it out. I don't know why I am telling you guys all of this I believe it's because I have been camping at my sisters for a few days so I have none of my writing stuff and I need a release. When there is too much on my mind I can't sleep and I would really like to so sometimes if I write it helps relieve that. I am rambling I know but I know that once I lay down to sleep I will start thinking again. During the day we have lots to do so i can kind of just sit back and auto pilot myself but at night there are no distractions from my thoughts and usually they crush me the most. I was supposed to be on the way to my friends wedding when I found out I was the maid of honor.... I feel bad because I had to leave, I had to be here and she says she understands.... I really think and hope so... I owe her SO SO much. I finally got to see my brother Johnny again it has been years that was also great and I made sure to get solid contact info this time because I don't want to lose him again and when he wants to be lost he's pretty slippery. Well I guess that's it my eye lids feel like there covered in cement... lets hope this sleep thing works huh... ok well bye!
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Mood: fuzzy

broknangel Amazing Feb 3rd, 2009 7:33:57 pm - Subscribe
Reach inside of me,
Far beneath the encasing of ashes,
Bleeding red,
Still showing signs of life,
Remove the darkness,
Take me away.





Just....Beautiful <3
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Mood: strong

broknangel Love Conquers All Jan 6th, 2009 11:16:55 pm - Subscribe
Omnia Vincit Amore
Love Conquers All


Around a year and a half ago i met a guy. We were like instant best friends, and within a month of meeting, we were boyfriend and girlfriend. 6 months down the track we were so serious about each other that we moved in together. Life was oh so good. I was in love, and he loved me. We had our fights, we certainly weren't perfect, but we loved each other.

His family never liked me. He told me not to worry, that they never liked any of his girlfriends, that they just always put his girlfriends down because they were never good enough, but that he loved me and that was all that mattered. I accepted that. They were nice to my face, and that was all i asked for.

Well eventually we moved to a new town because of a job he got, and i started study. Money was tighter and we started having more arguments. He started working more, and spending less time at home, and his social life got busier, and i was included less and less. I spoke to him about it a few times, but it was a hard subject, which we both had trouble talking about, and it would always end up unfinished.

Eventually, all the stress and pressure and arguments started to form a crack in the relationship and four months ago we broke up. He made up a story about cheating on me, because he was afraid i didnt love him anymore, and wanted to give me an easy out.

I was heartbroken. I started drinking all the time, and taking sleeping pills night and day. i would sleep, and drink, and sleep more. I would go out four times a week and drink til the pub closed, and then come home and take sleeping pills.

After a couple of months he emailed me and tried to explain how sorry he was, and the truth of why he did what he did. How much he was hurting. But by this point my anger had hit. I didnt want to hear a word he was saying. He gave up.

A week before christmas we started talking again. I decided that since i still loved him, and he was such an amazing person, i wanted to be his friend.

He invited me to have coffee with him, saying he missed talking to me, and he wanted to salavage our friendship. I was so happy to hear it. We spent a couple of hours chatting, and it made me feel so much better to know that we could be friends again. So we hung out a few more times.

Then we had a massive argument, because he talked about wanting me back, but i got the wrong idea by it and got angry, and everything was all misunderstood.

Then we had a breakthrough. Thats when we finally admitted that we still loved each other, and after some tears, and a whole lot of talking, we decided that we were going to give things another go.

So we have started from scratch.

We've never been closer or more in love, and I've never been happier

Omnia Vincit Amore
Love Conquers All
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Mood: beaming
I hear: Killing In The Name Of - Rage Against The Machine