My Friends: broknangel, emokid, riotradio, long_gone, sattorie, moonlit, chibiheartdragon, deathcab4u
My Blogs Next Page


deathcab4u Hello, Link on my Favorites Bar - Subscribe
For sake of simplicity I use Safari.

It has a nice little favorites bar.

This Blog is on that bar.

It's crazy how I can see something everyday and not really notice it or give real thought to it.

Today was weird for me. I convinced myself of something silly. But I held to my decision about silly thoughts like that, which is not to get carried away by them.

Go figure that I was right and that i was thinkin crazy thoughts. Closer and closer to handling my feelings I am.

Soon my roommate will be home. Hello Duvel Golden Ale and dicking around on my iPhone.

Well, Open Office should be downloaded by now (Was super slow to getting it on this comp). Going to update the good ol resume and get busy.

Money is the only thing I like more than women or myself...and the best thing in the world is all of those things together at the same time!
0 Comments
Mood: pleased with myself
I hear: The Avett Brothers-I and Love and You

long_gone Too true... May 1st, 2009 9:38:39 am - Subscribe
I heard this song and I didn't know why I lvoed it so much at first. Then I looked up the lyrics and realized I probably couldnt have writted the feelngs any better myself. But it's how I feel most days...


"I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the mornin'
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Ah, the sun is blindin'
I stayed up again
Oh, I am findin'
That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
'Cause I won't remember, save your breath
'Cause what's the use?

Ah, the night is callin'
And it whispers to me softly, "Come and play"
But I, I am fallin'
And if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
I'm lookin' for myself, sober

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
Lookin' for myself, sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good 'til it goes bad
'Til you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry 'never again'
Broken down in agony, just tryin' find a friend, oh, oh

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?"
2 Comments
Mood: needy

long_gone R.I.P. J.M.B. Apr. 2nd 2009 Apr 7th, 2009 4:39:20 am - Subscribe
My father passed away like...3... days ago... wow only three I can't believe it, it feels infinitely longer and at the same time shorter than that. I have only broke down once so far, thank god, but I just know it's coming. I am numb right now I am sure this entry will come off very blah for such a horrible event but I just can't seem to let myself feel much because as soon as I do I will loose it. I can't afford to lose it right now because we have to do the funeral and the caskets and all of that still. I am not the oldest it is not technically my job to do those things but I can't leave my sister to do it all her self, she needs help and she needs someone to be there for her as much if not, honestly, more than we do. There is a lot on her shoulders right now and I hope I have helped relieve that in some small way. My younger brother scares me we almost lost him last year, and he's on meds for depression and he hasn't cried or really got upset at all. I am hoping he is just sticking it out and trying to stay strong like the rest of us but eventually I know he has to let it out. I don't know why I am telling you guys all of this I believe it's because I have been camping at my sisters for a few days so I have none of my writing stuff and I need a release. When there is too much on my mind I can't sleep and I would really like to so sometimes if I write it helps relieve that. I am rambling I know but I know that once I lay down to sleep I will start thinking again. During the day we have lots to do so i can kind of just sit back and auto pilot myself but at night there are no distractions from my thoughts and usually they crush me the most. I was supposed to be on the way to my friends wedding when I found out I was the maid of honor.... I feel bad because I had to leave, I had to be here and she says she understands.... I really think and hope so... I owe her SO SO much. I finally got to see my brother Johnny again it has been years that was also great and I made sure to get solid contact info this time because I don't want to lose him again and when he wants to be lost he's pretty slippery. Well I guess that's it my eye lids feel like there covered in cement... lets hope this sleep thing works huh... ok well bye!
0 Comments
Mood: fuzzy

broknangel Amazing Feb 4th, 2009 1:33:57 am - Subscribe
Reach inside of me,
Far beneath the encasing of ashes,
Bleeding red,
Still showing signs of life,
Remove the darkness,
Take me away.





Just....Beautiful <3
0 Comments
Mood: strong

broknangel Love Conquers All Jan 7th, 2009 5:16:55 am - Subscribe
Omnia Vincit Amore
Love Conquers All


Around a year and a half ago i met a guy. We were like instant best friends, and within a month of meeting, we were boyfriend and girlfriend. 6 months down the track we were so serious about each other that we moved in together. Life was oh so good. I was in love, and he loved me. We had our fights, we certainly weren't perfect, but we loved each other.

His family never liked me. He told me not to worry, that they never liked any of his girlfriends, that they just always put his girlfriends down because they were never good enough, but that he loved me and that was all that mattered. I accepted that. They were nice to my face, and that was all i asked for.

Well eventually we moved to a new town because of a job he got, and i started study. Money was tighter and we started having more arguments. He started working more, and spending less time at home, and his social life got busier, and i was included less and less. I spoke to him about it a few times, but it was a hard subject, which we both had trouble talking about, and it would always end up unfinished.

Eventually, all the stress and pressure and arguments started to form a crack in the relationship and four months ago we broke up. He made up a story about cheating on me, because he was afraid i didnt love him anymore, and wanted to give me an easy out.

I was heartbroken. I started drinking all the time, and taking sleeping pills night and day. i would sleep, and drink, and sleep more. I would go out four times a week and drink til the pub closed, and then come home and take sleeping pills.

After a couple of months he emailed me and tried to explain how sorry he was, and the truth of why he did what he did. How much he was hurting. But by this point my anger had hit. I didnt want to hear a word he was saying. He gave up.

A week before christmas we started talking again. I decided that since i still loved him, and he was such an amazing person, i wanted to be his friend.

He invited me to have coffee with him, saying he missed talking to me, and he wanted to salavage our friendship. I was so happy to hear it. We spent a couple of hours chatting, and it made me feel so much better to know that we could be friends again. So we hung out a few more times.

Then we had a massive argument, because he talked about wanting me back, but i got the wrong idea by it and got angry, and everything was all misunderstood.

Then we had a breakthrough. Thats when we finally admitted that we still loved each other, and after some tears, and a whole lot of talking, we decided that we were going to give things another go.

So we have started from scratch.

We've never been closer or more in love, and I've never been happier

Omnia Vincit Amore
Love Conquers All
0 Comments
Mood: beaming
I hear: Killing In The Name Of - Rage Against The Machine

emokid I can't believe I'll miss you Nov 22nd, 2008 2:19:07 am - Subscribe
Can you shut your mouth and listen when I tell you about my day?
Can you stop and wait for me to catch up instead of just slowing down?
Can you just let me take a nap on the sofa when I get home from school?
Can you remember to fill out my school forms before they are due?
Can you let me organize my room the way I want?
Can you buy American cheese, not Swiss, because I'm the one who eats it, not you.
Can you not argue with dad in front of me?
Can you not pick on all my insecurities?
Can you wake up on time so we're not late?
Can you be supportive for once?
Can you show me that you're proud of the little things I do?
Can you not talk about your "audlt problems" and how "hard" your life is?
Can you control yourself when we go out?
Can you trust that I'll call if I need you?
Can you not blame me for everything going wrong in your life?
Can you not say "he is a fucking asshole"?
Can you respond when I ask you a simple question?
Can you make it so I don't cry when you're gone?
0 Comments
Mood: angsty

moonlit Crap Happens Oct 7th, 2008 5:33:01 pm - Subscribe
Life is not going so well. I'm jobless right now and trying hard to find something but it seems like everything is taken.

Someone who used to be my best friend has cheated me more than she has ever helped me. Cheated out of money and lied about giving me a computer . I paid for half of the computer. So when she refuses to pay me any money for the cell phone bill she ran up ( never get a shared plan with a friend big mistake) I said, "I'll just write off some of the cell phone money for your half of the computer" ( never buy a computer with your friend) . Not a big deal, I get the computer, she gets money taken off what she owes me. Except she is a liar ad gave me the computer and didnt tell me she broke it. what kind of friend does that???? All she ever does anymore is eat take out and do drugs. She doesn't care about any of her good friends or her family at all. She is just like her dad, she hates her dad, why would you become like someone you hate??

I don't think I understand anything anymore. I'm tired of trusting people.

moonlit
0 Comments
Mood: doomed

deathcab4u Goals Sep 17th, 2008 4:29:01 am - Subscribe
Currently:

Quitting Jimmy Johns and beginning at Dominos starting monday. Offer to be assistant manager at Halloween Express with Lauren.

As far as money goes making more would be nice but in the long run I think time to devote to personal development, school and volunteering will be more important than paying off all my bills a little faster.

Plan A:
Within a week of today have requested professional letters of recommendation from 5 people and ask that they have them to me within 2 weeks of request. Within 1 week of receiving the letters have applied to three Wilderness Therapy Schools on the list provided by a friend. Also contact family in Oregon and Utah to explain plans and request hospitality if I am selected and accept a job offer.

Also, within a week find information for CPR and First Aid Certifications and get that done within 3 weeks if possible.

If invited to go to a training session and hired I will move be moving out of state and must complete obvious preparations for making such a move.

Plan B:
If not selected for a field instructor position at this time request feedback about what to do to to be hirable for that type of work. Take Action on feedback.

In addition volunteer with High School Youth Group and/or Boy Scouts. In January Take EMT courses. In the summer work at a youth summer camp to gain more experience in that area. Re-apply to Wilderness Therapy Schools in the end of the summer.

Also currently I must talk to my father about money for current tuition and maybe some money to help with my vehicle registration. Must also cut back discretionary spending.
0 Comments
Mood: sick and tired...make my cold go away!
I hear: The Avett Brothers

long_gone Despair in a pretty package. Sep 12th, 2008 5:26:17 am - Subscribe
How can I still love something
that has broken my heart so thouroghly
How come I am never enough
Why aren't my blood, sweat, time, tears,
smiles, laughs, hopes and fears
not enough for anyone
I gave up my heart
My passion
My personality
My peace
My family
My friends
My safety
My security
and my home
and jumped out on a tiny limb
praying you could catch me if I fell
your arms are strong enough
your shoulders broad enough
your heart big enough
your mind clear enough
and yet you dropped me again
how can I love you if I cannot trust you
how can you hear anyone talk
when your screaming so loud
will I ever be strong enough
to keep you from bringing me down
I should have listened to my heart
I new you were all the same
I new you would be just like him
but am I all to blame
for I may be the fool who fell for your lies
but in the end your going to lose your own game
2 Comments
Mood: desolate

deathcab4u Rainy Day Sep 4th, 2008 6:46:29 am - Subscribe
Sometimes I feel like I am a character in a movie.


Except...


In movies even the guy I play ends up with some sort of resolution.


I don't want to be at the end of my story in any sense, but it sure feels like I experience a lot of conflict for so little reward or consolation.


On the bright side, Poison Oak Media is kicking off. An idea I had a year ago is finally coming to realization with the help of my best friend. Our combined skills is what the company needed to become something real.


I am really excited and am planning on putting a lot of effort into this renewed initiative.


I had to call in sick due to anxiety attack again so I figured I'd make good use of my day. I feel like we did well, I got a lot done and am a step closer to doing something I love to survive.
2 Comments
Mood: angsty
I hear: Blue Mountain - Rainy Day

deathcab4u Boop Beep Boop Sep 3rd, 2008 4:18:57 am - Subscribe
Re-activated my emusic account and got 75 free downloads. I got to pick up some music ive wanted to for awhile now and some new stuff too.

I doownloaded music from:

Vampire Weekend
The Gaslight Anthem
Damien Jurado
Dr Manhattan
Blue Mountain
Frightened Rabbit

I am a really big fan of Alt Country, stuff like Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, Son Volt, Wilco and stuff that has a little twang ya know what I mean?

I really enjoy that bluegrassy touch to country.
0 Comments
Mood: funky

deathcab4u FAT TIRE Sep 1st, 2008 5:56:54 am - Subscribe
Another lovely Sunday.

I have one day off from work each week and I try to make it the BEST day of the week.

Today I went to church and then met with my bro's for bible study. Then we went to the Guitar Center and one of my friends bought a Synth for their band.

After that 3 of us went to a little pub in town and had a pint of Fat Tire and some sandwiches, it was fantastic!

Always good to have a pint before 20s group bible study. And then another one after bible study? Yes please!

SO yeah, after 20s group 8 of us went to a different bar for a pint f Hacker Pshorr and it was a great time.

MORAL of the STORY: 2 Pints of Beer, 2 Bible Studies, Church and the best friends you could ask for make up an amazing sunday.


I recommend it to anyone who loves the lord and cold beer as much as me!


K, well I think I work tomorrow so I'm going to get some sleep and pray to god that I do his will and work wherever he places me. And I might plead like a child for it to be somewhere else sooon lulz.

I know that His work needs to be done everywhere in the world, and that this might even be the place I make the connection to my next step of life, that or its just building characer /sigh.
0 Comments
Mood: content
I hear: Conor Oberst - Cape Canaveral

deathcab4u HOLY SMOKES Aug 21st, 2008 7:14:40 am - Subscribe
WOW

WOW

WOW

I remembered this blog today and GO FIGURE, it still exists. My GUTS SPLATTERED all over a page on the internet!

Well I'll be damned, I can't resist the urge to post and to read about myself because i don't know who I am anymore =*(

Funny the things we do when we are stressed and tired. Lost and confused. I'd write in a journal but its in the car and I def prefer typing. Also, the feeling that this may be read is comforting in a weird way. YEAH OK.

Anyways, 2am and I am guess I should hit the sack and try to keep my cool. ALL I WANT TO DO IS LET OUT A LITTLE STEAM AND RELEASE SOME TENSION!

k thx ttyl

EDIT: Ok I read some entries from when I was with B. If I learned anything its that spending so much time with a person and obsessing over them is recipe for disaster. YIKES. lol. I will not let that happen again. Personal time > Needy Relationships.
2 Comments
Mood: emotional
I hear: Against Me - Impact

long_gone Spiraling down Aug 14th, 2008 7:46:13 am - Subscribe
"...learn not to close your heart and mind in grief. Allow life to replenish you. When sorrow comes it seems impossible - but new joys wait to fill the void."

I thought I was going to lose one of the most important people in my life not even a week ago. I am still scared everyday that I still could. It wasn't an accident it was a choice and one that could easily be made again that's what scares me so damn much! I found this quote a few days after the incident and I have to say that I agree. I couldn't just sit and bawl and worry I worked and cleaned and did everything I could to fill my head with the stupid comings and goings of my day to day life. The people in my life were great they did everything they could to help me and so much more. I will never forget them as long as I live. I will never forget how they were there for me. I love them all so much and I don't ever know how I could repay them.
0 Comments
Mood: terrified

long_gone Stranger things Jul 2nd, 2008 4:50:17 am - Subscribe
I have had an interesting day running into an old friend who I am now chatting with. I didn't realize I missed this friend so much, or rather the side of myself that person brings out in me. I really enjoy our conversations, though they tend to float a lot between several topics. It amuses me. I couldn't wait to get online and see if my friend was there. I think that is part of the reason I miss certain people so much and avoid others even more because they each bring out a different part of me and some of them I enjoy more than others. Some I have to play or change to make fit there standards and that really grates on my nervous system after a time. I feel as if I can kind of, let a certain, often smothered part of me breathe around this person and it feels good to stretch my lungs. Well that is all I will ramble for the moment. Until later. Bye
0 Comments
Mood: comfortable

long_gone Your so gay... and you don't even like boys!!! Jun 14th, 2008 4:18:43 pm - Subscribe
So what's new you ask... life! I have a job at Subway, yes I am a slave of the corporate machine. Oh well, it pays the bills and I love my boss. Boss = my friend Rachel who is hands down the coolest boss ever. I work random hours though usually I close, and I get to eat Subway which as far as fast food goes, doesn't suck to heinously. Tomorrow is my birthday, WOOT! I guess. I don't know if I'm half as excited as everyone else seems to be but it does make me feel loved that they care so much. Presently tally at the moment...one... one totally awesome one! I got a book from my friend/ neighbors boyfriend Joe. Ok, so those of you who don't get why that's awesome... firstly I love books... secondly I don't have to by it now... thirdly it's the fourth book to a series I have read the rest of by one of my favorite authors... and fourth...ly?... I TOTALLY WANTED IT BAD!!! I squealed like a girl when I saw it. Later today I am supposed to go see my family for birthday celebrations, which is sweet because I get to see my mom and my brother who I miss more than any... anywhere. And I also hope to get more nifty presents and get to do some fun stuff with my family. I hope... they have a tendency to be... hypocritical and judgmental... but when they get that way I hide in my little circle with my mom and bro and step dad and take solace in the fact that there are still open minded people out there somewhere. Well, I think this is already longer than I intended so I will stop rambling... oh, wait... here is a pic of my new tattoo right after it was finished... I love it!!!!
Photobucket

And here is a video for the song this entries named after... you should watch it, it's funny as hell!



Lol, love you guys!!! Bye!
17 Comments
Mood: Excited/Nervous

broknangel Musicians Apr 16th, 2008 11:02:55 am - Subscribe
Its like a whole different world... wake up in the middle of the night and write a song, play guitar til 3am, and practice some more when you get up in the morning. I admire it and yet I hate it so. Okay so it was my choice to move in with him. I knew all along what he was like, and i knew that it would be hard for me, but I love him, and i knew that no matter what it was going to work because we were right.

Was I right? i guess in a way I was... then again... maybe not. Our relationship? stronger than ever. Our finances? lower than ever. I suppose the sickness hasnt helped. if i was able to work we wouldnt be in such a financial rut... Or maybe if he payed for more... but i darent ask him to pay for food or power or rent or any of the bills because i know how much this band means to him and how he already wishes he could put more money into it. but when he gets over $600 and I only get $180 i do wonder why it is that im left to pay for everything.

When do i get my break. When do i get to buy cool stuff? New clothes. i only have one pair of pants. one jersey. two pairs of socks. My underwear has holes in it and is falling apart, my only pair of shoes have holes in the soles... When do i get a break? every week i spend every cent i earn on food, and rent, and power, and petrol... to drive him to work and back, to keep a roof over his head... to keep him from starving.


I feel like im drowning, and yet in a way ive never been happier. i couldnt imagine being without him, i love him so much, and when i look at him i cant help but smile.


Does he hear me cry at night? Does he see the tears prick at my eyes as i hand over my last few coins to buy groceries, or petrol. Does he realize how stressed out and upset I am? No... because i keep it together for him. I just want him to have things good. I want him to feel secure, and I want him to think that everything is okay and he can take that time if he needs to to relax, and de-stress.

I THINK IM GOING TO EXPLODE =[
0 Comments
Mood: misunderstood

broknangel Just an old blogger returned Apr 15th, 2008 12:46:09 am - Subscribe
Wow blogs aye. the older you get the less time you have to update them.

So im 19 now. It sounds better than it feels although im pretty sure i couldnt handle my life situation a couple of years ago.

So things happened at my old flat and a few months ago i moved in with my boyfriend, which i have to say might have been the best decision ive made thus far because no matter what happens ive always got him beside me to hug me and tell me everythings going to be okay, which in reality could be a lie, but its okay cos its one of those things that makes you feel better anyway. And I live with a bunch of uncomplicated chilled out people who do complain and fuss but not to the point where i feel like pulling out a gun and shooting them all, or myself. Haha, okay so nothing has gotten that bad. Okay so its a bit of a struggle, i mean what with rent and food and power and phone, and internet, for two people on the tiny amount I get off my sickness benefit and what he gets from his work its really hard to live, but we are still happy, and thats al that really matters.

Oh yeah did i mention my sickness. I got glandular fever awhile ago, i quess it was rather serious, but i was getting better when i started having seizures, so to make a long story short ive had about 7 months off work and had to be on the sickness benefit. and through several bad reactions to medications, possible liver failure, and a few other shocks, things are finally starting to get better.

i got a kitten, a cute one. okay theyre all cute. but she is awesome... cept she has just started pooing in the house which is kinda a disaster, especially if the landlord finds out....

and i got my tongue pierced. which hurt less than i expected and yet i must say hurt way too much for my liking lol, and still hurts when i eat spicy food, but its got a cool ball on it now, and it never ceases to keep me amused during bored patches in my day....

i dont really have much to say, especially since my bf is looking over my shoulder and calling me a geek cos im blogging, and until now he hadnt really realized how much of a computer nerd i really am. anyhow i spose i should go cos there is always work to be done.
0 Comments
Mood: chilled

emokid back yet again Feb 4th, 2008 1:26:23 am - Subscribe
its been a long time,
my life had gotten better
but thats not why im here.
my life has gotten more stressful than ever.

i was blocking out the pain
pretending like i had changed
breathing through it all
but thats only made me more deranged

my best friend forgot me
my parents put me down all the time
im on the edge flirting with danger
all thats left is only in my mind
0 Comments
Mood: deflated

broknangel One Life, Many Stories Dec 16th, 2007 8:10:23 am - Subscribe
Its so great isnt it, when things suddenly feel like they are falling into place. Theres nothing like that feeling of waking up beside someone you love... that first kiss in the morning, getting up and going about life knowing that when you go to bed that person is going to be beside you.

So i did it. I took the leap. Yes ive slept with him, and ive basically lived with him, and ive talked to him almost every day for the past 5 and a half months, but i havent ever said the L word... I was too scared. understandably, after all the hurt, and betrayal, and everything i have been through, i was just too afraid, and yet, unknown to me, all he needed was for me to say it, to break through the boundary of fear that was stopping me, and okay, i was drunk, and i would have said just about anything...but i didnt say anything... i said i loved him. And he said it back...sure it stopped the sex we were in the middle of, but it also opened up this whole new fountain of amazing feelings. just knowing that he loved me, and knowing that he knew i loved him, made me feel like my life was so whole...

His sister, earlier in the night, before either of us had had alcohol, told him that she used to think he should never reproduce, not because of him, but because of all the chicks he used to go out with, and what they were like, and then she looked at me and she told us both that now she could really see us being together forever, and that she was expecting me to have a lot of kids, except not for a very long time, and instead of getting embarassed, or disagreeing, he just smiled...

I could write a story about my life. It would be a lot like one of those stories you read that people who dont give a damn about proper spelling, and just tell things how they are write. about teenage girls... and about what they go through. and what ive gone through... It would include the throwing up, and the cutting, and it would tell about falling in love... and my life sorting out... and finding my nook... where i really belong...

and most of all it would tell about life... and that everyone goes through these things. that anyone can come out the other side...you just need to help yourself... its you and you alone
1 Comments
Mood: Loved