|
broknangel
Love Conquers All - Subscribe
|
|
Love Conquers All Around a year and a half ago i met a guy. We were like instant best friends, and within a month of meeting, we were boyfriend and girlfriend. 6 months down the track we were so serious about each other that we moved in together. Life was oh so good. I was in love, and he loved me. We had our fights, we certainly weren't perfect, but we loved each other. His family never liked me. He told me not to worry, that they never liked any of his girlfriends, that they just always put his girlfriends down because they were never good enough, but that he loved me and that was all that mattered. I accepted that. They were nice to my face, and that was all i asked for. Well eventually we moved to a new town because of a job he got, and i started study. Money was tighter and we started having more arguments. He started working more, and spending less time at home, and his social life got busier, and i was included less and less. I spoke to him about it a few times, but it was a hard subject, which we both had trouble talking about, and it would always end up unfinished. Eventually, all the stress and pressure and arguments started to form a crack in the relationship and four months ago we broke up. He made up a story about cheating on me, because he was afraid i didnt love him anymore, and wanted to give me an easy out. I was heartbroken. I started drinking all the time, and taking sleeping pills night and day. i would sleep, and drink, and sleep more. I would go out four times a week and drink til the pub closed, and then come home and take sleeping pills. After a couple of months he emailed me and tried to explain how sorry he was, and the truth of why he did what he did. How much he was hurting. But by this point my anger had hit. I didnt want to hear a word he was saying. He gave up. A week before christmas we started talking again. I decided that since i still loved him, and he was such an amazing person, i wanted to be his friend. He invited me to have coffee with him, saying he missed talking to me, and he wanted to salavage our friendship. I was so happy to hear it. We spent a couple of hours chatting, and it made me feel so much better to know that we could be friends again. So we hung out a few more times. Then we had a massive argument, because he talked about wanting me back, but i got the wrong idea by it and got angry, and everything was all misunderstood. Then we had a breakthrough. Thats when we finally admitted that we still loved each other, and after some tears, and a whole lot of talking, we decided that we were going to give things another go. So we have started from scratch. We've never been closer or more in love, and I've never been happier Omnia Vincit Amore Love Conquers All |
|
|
|
Can you shut your mouth and listen when I tell you about my day? Can you stop and wait for me to catch up instead of just slowing down? Can you just let me take a nap on the sofa when I get home from school? Can you remember to fill out my school forms before they are due? Can you let me organize my room the way I want? Can you buy American cheese, not Swiss, because I'm the one who eats it, not you. Can you not argue with dad in front of me? Can you not pick on all my insecurities? Can you wake up on time so we're not late? Can you be supportive for once? Can you show me that you're proud of the little things I do? Can you not talk about your "audlt problems" and how "hard" your life is? Can you control yourself when we go out? Can you trust that I'll call if I need you? Can you not blame me for everything going wrong in your life? Can you not say "he is a fucking asshole"? Can you respond when I ask you a simple question? Can you make it so I don't cry when you're gone? |
|
|
|
Life is not going so well. I'm jobless right now and trying hard to find something but it seems like everything is taken. Someone who used to be my best friend has cheated me more than she has ever helped me. Cheated out of money and lied about giving me a computer . I paid for half of the computer. So when she refuses to pay me any money for the cell phone bill she ran up ( never get a shared plan with a friend big mistake) I said, "I'll just write off some of the cell phone money for your half of the computer" ( never buy a computer with your friend) . Not a big deal, I get the computer, she gets money taken off what she owes me. Except she is a liar ad gave me the computer and didnt tell me she broke it. what kind of friend does that???? All she ever does anymore is eat take out and do drugs. She doesn't care about any of her good friends or her family at all. She is just like her dad, she hates her dad, why would you become like someone you hate?? I don't think I understand anything anymore. I'm tired of trusting people. moonlit |
|
deathcab4u
Goals Sep 17th, 2008 4:29:01 am - Subscribe
|
|
Currently: Quitting Jimmy Johns and beginning at Dominos starting monday. Offer to be assistant manager at Halloween Express with Lauren. As far as money goes making more would be nice but in the long run I think time to devote to personal development, school and volunteering will be more important than paying off all my bills a little faster. Plan A: Within a week of today have requested professional letters of recommendation from 5 people and ask that they have them to me within 2 weeks of request. Within 1 week of receiving the letters have applied to three Wilderness Therapy Schools on the list provided by a friend. Also contact family in Oregon and Utah to explain plans and request hospitality if I am selected and accept a job offer. Also, within a week find information for CPR and First Aid Certifications and get that done within 3 weeks if possible. If invited to go to a training session and hired I will move be moving out of state and must complete obvious preparations for making such a move. Plan B: If not selected for a field instructor position at this time request feedback about what to do to to be hirable for that type of work. Take Action on feedback. In addition volunteer with High School Youth Group and/or Boy Scouts. In January Take EMT courses. In the summer work at a youth summer camp to gain more experience in that area. Re-apply to Wilderness Therapy Schools in the end of the summer. Also currently I must talk to my father about money for current tuition and maybe some money to help with my vehicle registration. Must also cut back discretionary spending. |
|
|
|
How can I still love something that has broken my heart so thouroghly How come I am never enough Why aren't my blood, sweat, time, tears, smiles, laughs, hopes and fears not enough for anyone I gave up my heart My passion My personality My peace My family My friends My safety My security and my home and jumped out on a tiny limb praying you could catch me if I fell your arms are strong enough your shoulders broad enough your heart big enough your mind clear enough and yet you dropped me again how can I love you if I cannot trust you how can you hear anyone talk when your screaming so loud will I ever be strong enough to keep you from bringing me down I should have listened to my heart I new you were all the same I new you would be just like him but am I all to blame for I may be the fool who fell for your lies but in the end your going to lose your own game |
|
deathcab4u
Rainy Day Sep 4th, 2008 6:46:29 am - Subscribe
|
|
Sometimes I feel like I am a character in a movie. Except... In movies even the guy I play ends up with some sort of resolution. I don't want to be at the end of my story in any sense, but it sure feels like I experience a lot of conflict for so little reward or consolation. On the bright side, Poison Oak Media is kicking off. An idea I had a year ago is finally coming to realization with the help of my best friend. Our combined skills is what the company needed to become something real. I am really excited and am planning on putting a lot of effort into this renewed initiative. I had to call in sick due to anxiety attack again so I figured I'd make good use of my day. I feel like we did well, I got a lot done and am a step closer to doing something I love to survive. |
|
deathcab4u
Boop Beep Boop Sep 3rd, 2008 4:18:57 am - Subscribe
|
|
Re-activated my emusic account and got 75 free downloads. I got to pick up some music ive wanted to for awhile now and some new stuff too. I doownloaded music from: Vampire Weekend The Gaslight Anthem Damien Jurado Dr Manhattan Blue Mountain Frightened Rabbit I am a really big fan of Alt Country, stuff like Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, Son Volt, Wilco and stuff that has a little twang ya know what I mean? I really enjoy that bluegrassy touch to country. |
|
deathcab4u
FAT TIRE Sep 1st, 2008 5:56:54 am - Subscribe
|
|
Another lovely Sunday. I have one day off from work each week and I try to make it the BEST day of the week. Today I went to church and then met with my bro's for bible study. Then we went to the Guitar Center and one of my friends bought a Synth for their band. After that 3 of us went to a little pub in town and had a pint of Fat Tire and some sandwiches, it was fantastic! Always good to have a pint before 20s group bible study. And then another one after bible study? Yes please! SO yeah, after 20s group 8 of us went to a different bar for a pint f Hacker Pshorr and it was a great time. MORAL of the STORY: 2 Pints of Beer, 2 Bible Studies, Church and the best friends you could ask for make up an amazing sunday. I recommend it to anyone who loves the lord and cold beer as much as me! K, well I think I work tomorrow so I'm going to get some sleep and pray to god that I do his will and work wherever he places me. And I might plead like a child for it to be somewhere else sooon lulz. I know that His work needs to be done everywhere in the world, and that this might even be the place I make the connection to my next step of life, that or its just building characer /sigh. |
|
deathcab4u
HOLY SMOKES Aug 21st, 2008 7:14:40 am - Subscribe
|
|
WOW WOW WOW I remembered this blog today and GO FIGURE, it still exists. My GUTS SPLATTERED all over a page on the internet! Well I'll be damned, I can't resist the urge to post and to read about myself because i don't know who I am anymore =*( Funny the things we do when we are stressed and tired. Lost and confused. I'd write in a journal but its in the car and I def prefer typing. Also, the feeling that this may be read is comforting in a weird way. YEAH OK. Anyways, 2am and I am guess I should hit the sack and try to keep my cool. ALL I WANT TO DO IS LET OUT A LITTLE STEAM AND RELEASE SOME TENSION! k thx ttyl EDIT: Ok I read some entries from when I was with B. If I learned anything its that spending so much time with a person and obsessing over them is recipe for disaster. YIKES. lol. I will not let that happen again. Personal time > Needy Relationships. |
|
|
|
"...learn not to close your heart and mind in grief. Allow life to replenish you. When sorrow comes it seems impossible - but new joys wait to fill the void." I thought I was going to lose one of the most important people in my life not even a week ago. I am still scared everyday that I still could. It wasn't an accident it was a choice and one that could easily be made again that's what scares me so damn much! I found this quote a few days after the incident and I have to say that I agree. I couldn't just sit and bawl and worry I worked and cleaned and did everything I could to fill my head with the stupid comings and goings of my day to day life. The people in my life were great they did everything they could to help me and so much more. I will never forget them as long as I live. I will never forget how they were there for me. I love them all so much and I don't ever know how I could repay them. |
|
|
| I have had an interesting day running into an old friend who I am now chatting with. I didn't realize I missed this friend so much, or rather the side of myself that person brings out in me. I really enjoy our conversations, though they tend to float a lot between several topics. It amuses me. I couldn't wait to get online and see if my friend was there. I think that is part of the reason I miss certain people so much and avoid others even more because they each bring out a different part of me and some of them I enjoy more than others. Some I have to play or change to make fit there standards and that really grates on my nervous system after a time. I feel as if I can kind of, let a certain, often smothered part of me breathe around this person and it feels good to stretch my lungs. Well that is all I will ramble for the moment. Until later. Bye |
|
broknangel
Musicians Apr 16th, 2008 11:02:55 am - Subscribe
|
|
Its like a whole different world... wake up in the middle of the night and write a song, play guitar til 3am, and practice some more when you get up in the morning. I admire it and yet I hate it so. Okay so it was my choice to move in with him. I knew all along what he was like, and i knew that it would be hard for me, but I love him, and i knew that no matter what it was going to work because we were right. Was I right? i guess in a way I was... then again... maybe not. Our relationship? stronger than ever. Our finances? lower than ever. I suppose the sickness hasnt helped. if i was able to work we wouldnt be in such a financial rut... Or maybe if he payed for more... but i darent ask him to pay for food or power or rent or any of the bills because i know how much this band means to him and how he already wishes he could put more money into it. but when he gets over $600 and I only get $180 i do wonder why it is that im left to pay for everything. When do i get my break. When do i get to buy cool stuff? New clothes. i only have one pair of pants. one jersey. two pairs of socks. My underwear has holes in it and is falling apart, my only pair of shoes have holes in the soles... When do i get a break? every week i spend every cent i earn on food, and rent, and power, and petrol... to drive him to work and back, to keep a roof over his head... to keep him from starving. I feel like im drowning, and yet in a way ive never been happier. i couldnt imagine being without him, i love him so much, and when i look at him i cant help but smile. Does he hear me cry at night? Does he see the tears prick at my eyes as i hand over my last few coins to buy groceries, or petrol. Does he realize how stressed out and upset I am? No... because i keep it together for him. I just want him to have things good. I want him to feel secure, and I want him to think that everything is okay and he can take that time if he needs to to relax, and de-stress. I THINK IM GOING TO EXPLODE =[ |
|
broknangel
Just an old blogger returned Apr 15th, 2008 12:46:09 am - Subscribe
|
|
Wow blogs aye. the older you get the less time you have to update them. So im 19 now. It sounds better than it feels although im pretty sure i couldnt handle my life situation a couple of years ago. So things happened at my old flat and a few months ago i moved in with my boyfriend, which i have to say might have been the best decision ive made thus far because no matter what happens ive always got him beside me to hug me and tell me everythings going to be okay, which in reality could be a lie, but its okay cos its one of those things that makes you feel better anyway. And I live with a bunch of uncomplicated chilled out people who do complain and fuss but not to the point where i feel like pulling out a gun and shooting them all, or myself. Haha, okay so nothing has gotten that bad. Okay so its a bit of a struggle, i mean what with rent and food and power and phone, and internet, for two people on the tiny amount I get off my sickness benefit and what he gets from his work its really hard to live, but we are still happy, and thats al that really matters. Oh yeah did i mention my sickness. I got glandular fever awhile ago, i quess it was rather serious, but i was getting better when i started having seizures, so to make a long story short ive had about 7 months off work and had to be on the sickness benefit. and through several bad reactions to medications, possible liver failure, and a few other shocks, things are finally starting to get better. i got a kitten, a cute one. okay theyre all cute. but she is awesome... cept she has just started pooing in the house which is kinda a disaster, especially if the landlord finds out.... and i got my tongue pierced. which hurt less than i expected and yet i must say hurt way too much for my liking lol, and still hurts when i eat spicy food, but its got a cool ball on it now, and it never ceases to keep me amused during bored patches in my day.... i dont really have much to say, especially since my bf is looking over my shoulder and calling me a geek cos im blogging, and until now he hadnt really realized how much of a computer nerd i really am. anyhow i spose i should go cos there is always work to be done. |
|
|
|
its been a long time, my life had gotten better but thats not why im here. my life has gotten more stressful than ever. i was blocking out the pain pretending like i had changed breathing through it all but thats only made me more deranged my best friend forgot me my parents put me down all the time im on the edge flirting with danger all thats left is only in my mind |
|
broknangel
One Life, Many Stories Dec 16th, 2007 8:10:23 am - Subscribe
|
|
Its so great isnt it, when things suddenly feel like they are falling into place. Theres nothing like that feeling of waking up beside someone you love... that first kiss in the morning, getting up and going about life knowing that when you go to bed that person is going to be beside you. So i did it. I took the leap. Yes ive slept with him, and ive basically lived with him, and ive talked to him almost every day for the past 5 and a half months, but i havent ever said the L word... I was too scared. understandably, after all the hurt, and betrayal, and everything i have been through, i was just too afraid, and yet, unknown to me, all he needed was for me to say it, to break through the boundary of fear that was stopping me, and okay, i was drunk, and i would have said just about anything...but i didnt say anything... i said i loved him. And he said it back...sure it stopped the sex we were in the middle of, but it also opened up this whole new fountain of amazing feelings. just knowing that he loved me, and knowing that he knew i loved him, made me feel like my life was so whole... His sister, earlier in the night, before either of us had had alcohol, told him that she used to think he should never reproduce, not because of him, but because of all the chicks he used to go out with, and what they were like, and then she looked at me and she told us both that now she could really see us being together forever, and that she was expecting me to have a lot of kids, except not for a very long time, and instead of getting embarassed, or disagreeing, he just smiled... I could write a story about my life. It would be a lot like one of those stories you read that people who dont give a damn about proper spelling, and just tell things how they are write. about teenage girls... and about what they go through. and what ive gone through... It would include the throwing up, and the cutting, and it would tell about falling in love... and my life sorting out... and finding my nook... where i really belong... and most of all it would tell about life... and that everyone goes through these things. that anyone can come out the other side...you just need to help yourself... its you and you alone |
|
broknangel
The Big Update Dec 5th, 2007 5:48:33 pm - Subscribe
|
|
About 8 months ago life took a turn for the better when i made the decision to move out of home...It hasn't been easy that is for sure, but it was well worth it. I've met some awesome people, and some horrible people, and some people who have just taught me a few things about myself. Sometimes I've wondered why i did it, sometimes I've been lonely, sometimes I've thought if only I had done things differently, but here I am, and i wouldn't change anything. When I first moved in, it was just me and this girl, and we got on incredibly well, and although its been slightly rocky at times, we still do get on really well... Well she told me to join this dating website. Although it wasn't really my style, and i had just gone through a painful breakup, i joined, just for the hell of it. I talked to old guys, creepy guys, young guys, and guys that maybe should be removed from existence, but there was one guy i talked to, who i got on with quite well, and we became friends. He would txt me, or we would talk on msn, we didn't meet, there was just no need to, we were friends. Well exactly 5 months and 1 day ago i invited him around for a party...and now i wouldn't be without him for the world. 4 months ago i caught Glandular Fever, and it hit me in one of the most severe doses that my doctor had ever seen, and to this day i still haven't quite recovered. I got my first ambulance ride, and spend the night in hospital and suddenly had everyone that now lived with me doing everything for me. Hiring videos, making food, buying orange juice, and apple juice, and fruit, checking on me day and night... and most people would enjoy that, but for me, who has always been extremely healthy and independent, it was just frustrating. And my slow recovery was even more frustrating. Well about 3 weeks ago i had finally started to feel almost normal again and my boyfriend and I were on our way to his place with my driving (because nobody drives my car, i love it too much), and as i was driving i had a seizure, and my boyfriend had to grab the steering wheel and the handbrake. I was quickly rushed to the doctor who ordered a CT scan. A week later as i was laying in bed, had just woken up I turned over to talk to my boyfriend and i had another seizure. I made a doctors appointment, and slept for the rest of the day. A week later i went to the doctor, who sent me straight to the hospital, now worried that i had a brain tumor of some sort. I was let out that night and i went home with my boyfriend. Three days later i was once again sent into the hospital to have my CT scan, which although was scary was manageable. The next day i was at my boyfriends talking to his sister, and his flatmate and i started to feel ill, so i went outside to sit on the deck. A few minutes later i started throwing up blood. His sister and his flatmate ran to get him out of the shower and they all crowded around me, but i refused to go back to the hospital again. Two hours later i threw up again, with a lot more blood, and this time his sister didn't hesitate to call an ambulance. 7 hours later i was discharged from hospital and my boyfriend drove me back to his house where he could look after me if anything at all happened. Whilst I was at hospital they got the results of the CT scan which cleared me of having a brain tumor but now leave epilepsy as the only other option... Through all of this I've managed to quit smoking! I'm just taking each day as it comes. It's not easy, I'm in a lot of pain, i feel very sick, and i desperately want to smoke, but I'm finding that i can do it. I am stronger than I ever thought i could be. =] |
|
broknangel
Men...! Sep 29th, 2007 8:38:06 pm - Subscribe
|
|
When James and i got together it was just accepted that we would take things slowly. Especially since, for me, this was the first really serious, grown up relationship i had been in. And don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, I'm happier than I have ever been in my life. I can truly say that i have the best boyfriend in the world. It's only been just over three months, but i know deep down that this is something that could last for a long time, and I love that. I feel safe and secure. I'm not afraid of where this relationship could lead, although like i said we are taking it slowly, so I am hoping that it isnt planning on leading anywhere too serious in the next few months! Oh but of course, there must be a catch, with all this happiness. Well i don't want to hurt him, or make him feel that i don't want to move on. Last night i was at his house, and he had his arms around me, and I had to leave, and he said to me, "I don't want you to leave, you should live here." Now I'm pretty sure he didn't mean it seriously, and although i didn't want to leave, my mouth shot off before i had time to think. I giggled, gave him a big hug and said, "yeah, that really wouldn't work..." I mean in reality, his town is an hour away from mine, and i have work, and my doctor, and it would be hard from my point of view, and beside that point, i thought he said it non-seriously. But it took him a minute to reply. He said, "Nah, you're right it wouldn't." And laughed. Now maybe I'm reading too much into this, maybe i should chill out. We both know we aren't ready to move in with each other and he was joking... right...? I guess i just really don't want to screw things up with him because he is the most amazing guy I have ever met... |
|
broknangel
Life in the fast lane Sep 27th, 2007 6:20:18 am - Subscribe
|
|
Six or seven months ago i moved out of home. Best decision i ever made. It was just me and a chick, and it was the happiest, funnest, most relaxed time of my life. Then Nathan moved in. That was okay... you got used to him after awhile. I mean i spose it took awhile, but he is alright. Then carlton, nicole, and matt moved in. Suddenly the house was overcrowded, Lorilei changed, stopped caring. My boyfriend was my one escape. the one thing that kept me happy. And Kris... its always good to have someone to go to coffee with, who understands Lorilei, and flat life when you're the only one who works or cares about sleeping. Last night i went to bed early, and this avo Kris came over and said that after i went to bed, Lorilei, my so called friend, was bitching about me, telling all sorts of lies, and gloating that she was in a band with my boyfriend when im not. She knows i was offered a place in the band. I turned it down, im quite happy not being in the band. So now i need a new job AND a new place to live... and i feel so young and kind of scared. I really wish i knew what to do... where to go. I know that if i go back now i will blow up. explode, possibly physically hurt her... or even worse... myself... What should i do
|
|
broknangel
Overlooking Life Sep 17th, 2007 6:58:52 am - Subscribe
|
|
Its been a long time. So the other day my mother was talking to my boyfriend about what a good writer i used to be, so i decided to look up some of my old writings. Instead of finding stories, i found blogs, blogs that damn near made me cry. Never before have i realized how hurt, and upset, and terrified of life that i was just a few months ago. I look now at how much my life has changed. Now i live in my own place, and have a nice car. Now I'm in a secure relationship. But i have to wonder, even though all this has changed, am i happy? I know now that not one part of me wants to die. That im no longer afraid to live, but knowing that i havent dealt with any of these feelings, any of the underlying causes of these feelings, what if things change. Will those feelings come back? Or am is the new found happiness here to stay? I guess i havent changed that much, i still wonder what could have been. or what might be. I still wonder what will happen to me, and what i'm here for. |