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long_gone Despair in a pretty package. - Subscribe
How can I still love something
that has broken my heart so thouroghly
How come I am never enough
Why aren't my blood, sweat, time, tears,
smiles, laughs, hopes and fears
not enough for anyone
I gave up my heart
My passion
My personality
My peace
My family
My friends
My safety
My security
and my home
and jumped out on a tiny limb
praying you could catch me if I fell
your arms are strong enough
your shoulders broad enough
your heart big enough
your mind clear enough
and yet you dropped me again
how can I love you if I cannot trust you
how can you hear anyone talk
when your screaming so loud
will I ever be strong enough
to keep you from bringing me down
I should have listened to my heart
I new you were all the same
I new you would be just like him
but am I all to blame
for I may be the fool who fell for your lies
but in the end your going to lose your own game
1 Comments
Mood: desolate

deathcab4u Rainy Day Sep 4th, 2008 1:46:29 am - Subscribe
Sometimes I feel like I am a character in a movie.


Except...


In movies even the guy I play ends up with some sort of resolution.


I don't want to be at the end of my story in any sense, but it sure feels like I experience a lot of conflict for so little reward or consolation.


On the bright side, Poison Oak Media is kicking off. An idea I had a year ago is finally coming to realization with the help of my best friend. Our combined skills is what the company needed to become something real.


I am really excited and am planning on putting a lot of effort into this renewed initiative.


I had to call in sick due to anxiety attack again so I figured I'd make good use of my day. I feel like we did well, I got a lot done and am a step closer to doing something I love to survive.


2 Comments
Mood: angsty
: Blue Mountain - Rainy Day

deathcab4u Boop Beep Boop Sep 2nd, 2008 11:18:57 pm - Subscribe
Re-activated my emusic account and got 75 free downloads. I got to pick up some music ive wanted to for awhile now and some new stuff too.

I doownloaded music from:

Vampire Weekend
The Gaslight Anthem
Damien Jurado
Dr Manhattan
Blue Mountain
Frightened Rabbit

I am a really big fan of Alt Country, stuff like Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, Son Volt, Wilco and stuff that has a little twang ya know what I mean?

I really enjoy that bluegrassy touch to country.
1 Comments
Mood: funky

deathcab4u FAT TIRE Sep 1st, 2008 12:56:54 am - Subscribe
Another lovely Sunday.

I have one day off from work each week and I try to make it the BEST day of the week.

Today I went to church and then met with my bro's for bible study. Then we went to the Guitar Center and one of my friends bought a Synth for their band.

After that 3 of us went to a little pub in town and had a pint of Fat Tire and some sandwiches, it was fantastic!

Always good to have a pint before 20s group bible study. And then another one after bible study? Yes please!

SO yeah, after 20s group 8 of us went to a different bar for a pint f Hacker Pshorr and it was a great time.

MORAL of the STORY: 2 Pints of Beer, 2 Bible Studies, Church and the best friends you could ask for make up an amazing sunday.


I recommend it to anyone who loves the lord and cold beer as much as me!


K, well I think I work tomorrow so I'm going to get some sleep and pray to god that I do his will and work wherever he places me. And I might plead like a child for it to be somewhere else sooon lulz.

I know that His work needs to be done everywhere in the world, and that this might even be the place I make the connection to my next step of life, that or its just building characer /sigh.


0 Comments
Mood: content
: Conor Oberst - Cape Canaveral

deathcab4u HOLY SMOKES Aug 21st, 2008 2:14:40 am - Subscribe
WOW

WOW

WOW

I remembered this blog today and GO FIGURE, it still exists. My GUTS SPLATTERED all over a page on the internet!

Well I'll be damned, I can't resist the urge to post and to read about myself because i don't know who I am anymore =*(

Funny the things we do when we are stressed and tired. Lost and confused. I'd write in a journal but its in the car and I def prefer typing. Also, the feeling that this may be read is comforting in a weird way. YEAH OK.

Anyways, 2am and I am guess I should hit the sack and try to keep my cool. ALL I WANT TO DO IS LET OUT A LITTLE STEAM AND RELEASE SOME TENSION!

k thx ttyl

EDIT: Ok I read some entries from when I was with B. If I learned anything its that spending so much time with a person and obsessing over them is recipe for disaster. YIKES. lol. I will not let that happen again. Personal time > Needy Relationships.
2 Comments
Mood: emotional
: Against Me - Impact

long_gone Spiraling down Aug 14th, 2008 2:46:13 am - Subscribe
"...learn not to close your heart and mind in grief. Allow life to replenish you. When sorrow comes it seems impossible - but new joys wait to fill the void."

I thought I was going to lose one of the most important people in my life not even a week ago. I am still scared everyday that I still could. It wasn't an accident it was a choice and one that could easily be made again that's what scares me so damn much! I found this quote a few days after the incident and I have to say that I agree. I couldn't just sit and bawl and worry I worked and cleaned and did everything I could to fill my head with the stupid comings and goings of my day to day life. The people in my life were great they did everything they could to help me and so much more. I will never forget them as long as I live. I will never forget how they were there for me. I love them all so much and I don't ever know how I could repay them.
0 Comments
Mood: terrified

long_gone Stranger things Jul 1st, 2008 11:50:17 pm - Subscribe
I have had an interesting day running into an old friend who I am now chatting with. I didn't realize I missed this friend so much, or rather the side of myself that person brings out in me. I really enjoy our conversations, though they tend to float a lot between several topics. It amuses me. I couldn't wait to get online and see if my friend was there. I think that is part of the reason I miss certain people so much and avoid others even more because they each bring out a different part of me and some of them I enjoy more than others. Some I have to play or change to make fit there standards and that really grates on my nervous system after a time. I feel as if I can kind of, let a certain, often smothered part of me breathe around this person and it feels good to stretch my lungs. Well that is all I will ramble for the moment. Until later. Bye
0 Comments
Mood: comfortable

long_gone Your so gay... and you don't even like boys!!! Jun 14th, 2008 11:18:43 am - Subscribe
So what's new you ask... life! I have a job at Subway, yes I am a slave of the corporate machine. Oh well, it pays the bills and I love my boss. Boss = my friend Rachel who is hands down the coolest boss ever. I work random hours though usually I close, and I get to eat Subway which as far as fast food goes, doesn't suck to heinously. Tomorrow is my birthday, WOOT! I guess. I don't know if I'm half as excited as everyone else seems to be but it does make me feel loved that they care so much. Presently tally at the moment...one... one totally awesome one! I got a book from my friend/ neighbors boyfriend Joe. Ok, so those of you who don't get why that's awesome... firstly I love books... secondly I don't have to by it now... thirdly it's the fourth book to a series I have read the rest of by one of my favorite authors... and fourth...ly?... I TOTALLY WANTED IT BAD!!! I squealed like a girl when I saw it. Later today I am supposed to go see my family for birthday celebrations, which is sweet because I get to see my mom and my brother who I miss more than any... anywhere. And I also hope to get more nifty presents and get to do some fun stuff with my family. I hope... they have a tendency to be... hypocritical and judgmental... but when they get that way I hide in my little circle with my mom and bro and step dad and take solace in the fact that there are still open minded people out there somewhere. Well, I think this is already longer than I intended so I will stop rambling... oh, wait... here is a pic of my new tattoo right after it was finished... I love it!!!!
Photobucket

And here is a video for the song this entries named after... you should watch it, it's funny as hell!



Lol, love you guys!!! Bye!
17 Comments
Mood: Excited/Nervous

broknangel Musicians Apr 16th, 2008 6:02:55 am - Subscribe
Its like a whole different world... wake up in the middle of the night and write a song, play guitar til 3am, and practice some more when you get up in the morning. I admire it and yet I hate it so. Okay so it was my choice to move in with him. I knew all along what he was like, and i knew that it would be hard for me, but I love him, and i knew that no matter what it was going to work because we were right.

Was I right? i guess in a way I was... then again... maybe not. Our relationship? stronger than ever. Our finances? lower than ever. I suppose the sickness hasnt helped. if i was able to work we wouldnt be in such a financial rut... Or maybe if he payed for more... but i darent ask him to pay for food or power or rent or any of the bills because i know how much this band means to him and how he already wishes he could put more money into it. but when he gets over $600 and I only get $180 i do wonder why it is that im left to pay for everything.

When do i get my break. When do i get to buy cool stuff? New clothes. i only have one pair of pants. one jersey. two pairs of socks. My underwear has holes in it and is falling apart, my only pair of shoes have holes in the soles... When do i get a break? every week i spend every cent i earn on food, and rent, and power, and petrol... to drive him to work and back, to keep a roof over his head... to keep him from starving.


I feel like im drowning, and yet in a way ive never been happier. i couldnt imagine being without him, i love him so much, and when i look at him i cant help but smile.


Does he hear me cry at night? Does he see the tears prick at my eyes as i hand over my last few coins to buy groceries, or petrol. Does he realize how stressed out and upset I am? No... because i keep it together for him. I just want him to have things good. I want him to feel secure, and I want him to think that everything is okay and he can take that time if he needs to to relax, and de-stress.

I THINK IM GOING TO EXPLODE =[
0 Comments
Mood: misunderstood

broknangel Just an old blogger returned Apr 14th, 2008 7:46:09 pm - Subscribe
Wow blogs aye. the older you get the less time you have to update them.

So im 19 now. It sounds better than it feels although im pretty sure i couldnt handle my life situation a couple of years ago.

So things happened at my old flat and a few months ago i moved in with my boyfriend, which i have to say might have been the best decision ive made thus far because no matter what happens ive always got him beside me to hug me and tell me everythings going to be okay, which in reality could be a lie, but its okay cos its one of those things that makes you feel better anyway. And I live with a bunch of uncomplicated chilled out people who do complain and fuss but not to the point where i feel like pulling out a gun and shooting them all, or myself. Haha, okay so nothing has gotten that bad. Okay so its a bit of a struggle, i mean what with rent and food and power and phone, and internet, for two people on the tiny amount I get off my sickness benefit and what he gets from his work its really hard to live, but we are still happy, and thats al that really matters.

Oh yeah did i mention my sickness. I got glandular fever awhile ago, i quess it was rather serious, but i was getting better when i started having seizures, so to make a long story short ive had about 7 months off work and had to be on the sickness benefit. and through several bad reactions to medications, possible liver failure, and a few other shocks, things are finally starting to get better.

i got a kitten, a cute one. okay theyre all cute. but she is awesome... cept she has just started pooing in the house which is kinda a disaster, especially if the landlord finds out....

and i got my tongue pierced. which hurt less than i expected and yet i must say hurt way too much for my liking lol, and still hurts when i eat spicy food, but its got a cool ball on it now, and it never ceases to keep me amused during bored patches in my day....

i dont really have much to say, especially since my bf is looking over my shoulder and calling me a geek cos im blogging, and until now he hadnt really realized how much of a computer nerd i really am. anyhow i spose i should go cos there is always work to be done.
0 Comments
Mood: chilled

emokid back yet again Feb 3rd, 2008 7:26:23 pm - Subscribe
its been a long time,
my life had gotten better
but thats not why im here.
my life has gotten more stressful than ever.

i was blocking out the pain
pretending like i had changed
breathing through it all
but thats only made me more deranged

my best friend forgot me
my parents put me down all the time
im on the edge flirting with danger
all thats left is only in my mind
0 Comments
Mood: deflated

broknangel One Life, Many Stories Dec 16th, 2007 2:10:23 am - Subscribe
Its so great isnt it, when things suddenly feel like they are falling into place. Theres nothing like that feeling of waking up beside someone you love... that first kiss in the morning, getting up and going about life knowing that when you go to bed that person is going to be beside you.

So i did it. I took the leap. Yes ive slept with him, and ive basically lived with him, and ive talked to him almost every day for the past 5 and a half months, but i havent ever said the L word... I was too scared. understandably, after all the hurt, and betrayal, and everything i have been through, i was just too afraid, and yet, unknown to me, all he needed was for me to say it, to break through the boundary of fear that was stopping me, and okay, i was drunk, and i would have said just about anything...but i didnt say anything... i said i loved him. And he said it back...sure it stopped the sex we were in the middle of, but it also opened up this whole new fountain of amazing feelings. just knowing that he loved me, and knowing that he knew i loved him, made me feel like my life was so whole...

His sister, earlier in the night, before either of us had had alcohol, told him that she used to think he should never reproduce, not because of him, but because of all the chicks he used to go out with, and what they were like, and then she looked at me and she told us both that now she could really see us being together forever, and that she was expecting me to have a lot of kids, except not for a very long time, and instead of getting embarassed, or disagreeing, he just smiled...

I could write a story about my life. It would be a lot like one of those stories you read that people who dont give a damn about proper spelling, and just tell things how they are write. about teenage girls... and about what they go through. and what ive gone through... It would include the throwing up, and the cutting, and it would tell about falling in love... and my life sorting out... and finding my nook... where i really belong...

and most of all it would tell about life... and that everyone goes through these things. that anyone can come out the other side...you just need to help yourself... its you and you alone
1 Comments
Mood: Loved

broknangel The Big Update Dec 5th, 2007 11:48:33 am - Subscribe
Whoa, so time flies huh?
About 8 months ago life took a turn for the better when i made the decision to move out of home...It hasn't been easy that is for sure, but it was well worth it. I've met some awesome people, and some horrible people, and some people who have just taught me a few things about myself. Sometimes I've wondered why i did it, sometimes I've been lonely, sometimes I've thought if only I had done things differently, but here I am, and i wouldn't change anything.

When I first moved in, it was just me and this girl, and we got on incredibly well, and although its been slightly rocky at times, we still do get on really well... Well she told me to join this dating website. Although it wasn't really my style, and i had just gone through a painful breakup, i joined, just for the hell of it. I talked to old guys, creepy guys, young guys, and guys that maybe should be removed from existence, but there was one guy i talked to, who i got on with quite well, and we became friends. He would txt me, or we would talk on msn, we didn't meet, there was just no need to, we were friends.

Well exactly 5 months and 1 day ago i invited him around for a party...and now i wouldn't be without him for the world.

4 months ago i caught Glandular Fever, and it hit me in one of the most severe doses that my doctor had ever seen, and to this day i still haven't quite recovered. I got my first ambulance ride, and spend the night in hospital and suddenly had everyone that now lived with me doing everything for me. Hiring videos, making food, buying orange juice, and apple juice, and fruit, checking on me day and night... and most people would enjoy that, but for me, who has always been extremely healthy and independent, it was just frustrating. And my slow recovery was even more frustrating.

Well about 3 weeks ago i had finally started to feel almost normal again and my boyfriend and I were on our way to his place with my driving (because nobody drives my car, i love it too much), and as i was driving i had a seizure, and my boyfriend had to grab the steering wheel and the handbrake. I was quickly rushed to the doctor who ordered a CT scan. A week later as i was laying in bed, had just woken up I turned over to talk to my boyfriend and i had another seizure. I made a doctors appointment, and slept for the rest of the day. A week later i went to the doctor, who sent me straight to the hospital, now worried that i had a brain tumor of some sort. I was let out that night and i went home with my boyfriend. Three days later i was once again sent into the hospital to have my CT scan, which although was scary was manageable. The next day i was at my boyfriends talking to his sister, and his flatmate and i started to feel ill, so i went outside to sit on the deck. A few minutes later i started throwing up blood. His sister and his flatmate ran to get him out of the shower and they all crowded around me, but i refused to go back to the hospital again. Two hours later i threw up again, with a lot more blood, and this time his sister didn't hesitate to call an ambulance.

7 hours later i was discharged from hospital and my boyfriend drove me back to his house where he could look after me if anything at all happened. Whilst I was at hospital they got the results of the CT scan which cleared me of having a brain tumor but now leave epilepsy as the only other option...

Through all of this I've managed to quit smoking!

I'm just taking each day as it comes. It's not easy, I'm in a lot of pain, i feel very sick, and i desperately want to smoke, but I'm finding that i can do it. I am stronger than I ever thought i could be.

=]
2 Comments
Mood: Accomplished
: Lips Of An Angel - Hinder

broknangel Men...! Sep 29th, 2007 3:38:06 pm - Subscribe
When James and i got together it was just accepted that we would take things slowly. Especially since, for me, this was the first really serious, grown up relationship i had been in. And don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, I'm happier than I have ever been in my life. I can truly say that i have the best boyfriend in the world. It's only been just over three months, but i know deep down that this is something that could last for a long time, and I love that. I feel safe and secure. I'm not afraid of where this relationship could lead, although like i said we are taking it slowly, so I am hoping that it isnt planning on leading anywhere too serious in the next few months!

Oh but of course, there must be a catch, with all this happiness. Well i don't want to hurt him, or make him feel that i don't want to move on. Last night i was at his house, and he had his arms around me, and I had to leave, and he said to me, "I don't want you to leave, you should live here." Now I'm pretty sure he didn't mean it seriously, and although i didn't want to leave, my mouth shot off before i had time to think. I giggled, gave him a big hug and said, "yeah, that really wouldn't work..." I mean in reality, his town is an hour away from mine, and i have work, and my doctor, and it would be hard from my point of view, and beside that point, i thought he said it non-seriously. But it took him a minute to reply. He said, "Nah, you're right it wouldn't." And laughed.

Now maybe I'm reading too much into this, maybe i should chill out. We both know we aren't ready to move in with each other and he was joking... right...? I guess i just really don't want to screw things up with him because he is the most amazing guy I have ever met...
3 Comments
Mood: confused

broknangel Life in the fast lane Sep 27th, 2007 1:20:18 am - Subscribe
Six or seven months ago i moved out of home. Best decision i ever made. It was just me and a chick, and it was the happiest, funnest, most relaxed time of my life. Then Nathan moved in. That was okay... you got used to him after awhile. I mean i spose it took awhile, but he is alright. Then carlton, nicole, and matt moved in. Suddenly the house was overcrowded, Lorilei changed, stopped caring. My boyfriend was my one escape. the one thing that kept me happy. And Kris... its always good to have someone to go to coffee with, who understands Lorilei, and flat life when you're the only one who works or cares about sleeping.

Last night i went to bed early, and this avo Kris came over and said that after i went to bed, Lorilei, my so called friend, was bitching about me, telling all sorts of lies, and gloating that she was in a band with my boyfriend when im not. She knows i was offered a place in the band. I turned it down, im quite happy not being in the band.

So now i need a new job AND a new place to live... and i feel so young and kind of scared. I really wish i knew what to do... where to go.

I know that if i go back now i will blow up. explode, possibly physically hurt her... or even worse... myself...

What should i do sad.gif
0 Comments
Mood: Pissed off

broknangel Overlooking Life Sep 17th, 2007 1:58:52 am - Subscribe
Its been a long time.

So the other day my mother was talking to my boyfriend about what a good writer i used to be, so i decided to look up some of my old writings. Instead of finding stories, i found blogs, blogs that damn near made me cry. Never before have i realized how hurt, and upset, and terrified of life that i was just a few months ago. I look now at how much my life has changed. Now i live in my own place, and have a nice car. Now I'm in a secure relationship. But i have to wonder, even though all this has changed, am i happy? I know now that not one part of me wants to die. That im no longer afraid to live, but knowing that i havent dealt with any of these feelings, any of the underlying causes of these feelings, what if things change. Will those feelings come back? Or am is the new found happiness here to stay?

I guess i havent changed that much, i still wonder what could have been. or what might be. I still wonder what will happen to me, and what i'm here for.

1 Comments
Mood: Contemplative
: Operation Ground And Pound - Dragonforce

deathcab4u Like A Pirate Aug 15th, 2007 10:36:35 am - Subscribe
What What?

Oh yeah, it's me. Mr. Ross "MC"

It's true, I'm adding an entry to my Aeonity Blog. I used to post on this every day! Sometimes more. Sadly, it was mostly because I was looking for someone, anyone to hear my young troubles and perceived teenage strife.

It's weird to change a blog over from the diary entries of a teenager to something that is more modern to my current situation.

I think I am going to start using a blog to talk about photography and travel. But...I am going to see about creating a new account for that because I would prefer to seperate the old life from the new.

So for what is most likely the last of my intimate posts on Aeonity I am going to add a few things. In case anyone remembers me.

About a month ago my fiance broke up with me because the relationship was not working. FIghting, arguing, crying, anger and a couple days a week that were magicvaly wonderful. I wan't on my bipolar medication and she has her own problems as well, so it was a bad situation.

Well, after that I went to South Dakota, for a field geology trip for 10 DAYS! It was super fantastic and I loved every day of it. We studied the Black Hills, Devils Tower, Bear Butte, Jewel Cave and the Badlands.

I made many new friends and even started to date this amazing young lady I met on the trip.

Shes very good for me as far as personality and pursuits. As well as where she is in her life with growing up.

I'm taking care of myself. Taking my meds, taking my happiness into my own hands and setting goals and plans for my future.

All in all it working out so far.

That is my month in a nutshell, and I wish everyone happiness. I am going to come up with an account for the super awesome blog to present Mr. Ross' amazing photography and adventures! Yey, awesome, woohooo!
3 Comments
Mood: changed
: Crickets...no, seriously, my back yard is full of them.

long_gone OMG, hey!!! Aug 3rd, 2007 2:42:21 pm - Subscribe
Wow, I haven't got a chance to get on aeonity in a while and so therefore did not know that there was a small login issue. Due to this I thought for a while that I couldn't get on aeonity anymore. I didn't realized until then how much I would miss being able to write here. Well all is well I am back on and able to write. I will probably do a much better update in a few days but I don't really have the time right now. Well folks, ttyl.

<3
1 Comments
Mood: mixed

sattorie Too Much INfo, Insides Overblown.. May 20th, 2007 11:40:26 pm - Subscribe
Well anyone who has been a friend of mine in the past 10yrs or so knows about Doug. They know my whole world was wrapped up around him and his words were gospel to me. That my love for him was deeper than any love I thought I would ever have again. That he even has been an issue between Phil and I, that I have struggled with staying with Phil to go back to Doug. That Doug has said he would change if I went back to him and dumped Phil. But that I did choose Phil over Doug.
Last night I found out all those years Doug was also with Kath. That he was not sleeping on the couch. That they were only ever really broken up for very short spurts. I learned a ton more but it's really not worth writing it all out. I mean just what I have written right now is enough. How does a guy get away with that for 10yrs? Now he is going to put someone else through it? How can he live with himself?
I think Phil is happy just another thing to throw in my face to prove he is better than Doug. I hate how he uses shit like that to throw in my face.
As for other things, Summer is getting closer I can't wait for it to finally get here. I picked up haircolor so I can finally get my hair done. Picked up some new summer clothes for Sarah. I picked up some sweet red dress shoes for myself. When Mary gets here I am finally gonna go buy myself all new pants mine are all too big. Mary is awesome for fashion sence and I am not so I am saving that for a girls day out thing.
We got 2 new fish we named them twinkle and ladyhappy.gif
Anyhow I shall go for now, hope everyone is doing well, tattahappy.gif
0 Comments
Mood: nauseated
: but on the other hand

sattorie Friendships, Changes, and Medical... May 8th, 2007 9:41:04 pm - Subscribe
Well I have been on an emotional high finding old friends. Being a military brat we moved so finding old friends means alot to me. Finding and sorting out family has been fun for me and my daughter as well. Facebook is an awesome site, I swear everyone is on therehappy.gif
Looks like some changes are coming to my life, new beginnings and old endings, probably for the better, but will need emotional supports I think to get through them.
Saw docotor today I am staying on pain meds 4 times a day and she ordered a breath test something to do with ulcers, more blood tests, more stool tests, an upper GI test and getting hold of doctor Amson to have him look me over and do more tests. I am getting so sick of all these fricken tests! Why can't they figure out what is going on...
Last week it was the Baldwins, this week David Hasellhoff drunk and eating a burger off the floor shot by his 16yr old daughter. Your not safe from the drama even if your a celebrity. What is going on with so many dad's and why are celebrity kids turning in this stufdf about their dads? That is harsh
0 Comments
Mood: Thankful
: in the living years