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After much searching, I think I have found my blog that i will love and cherish. I just have to figure out how make it pretty etc. basically im very excited. i havent decided if i should tell people about this site or not. maybe ill keep it to myself, or maybe i will share. who knows. well im going to make this thing pretty and then ill write a better entry later. <3 vogue |
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You know what i think? i think when i write in my blog it is one thing i am settled on doing everyday, it takes dedication and time set aside. i kind of want to write a blog everyday, even if it is something stupid, just to stay orgainized. plus, its a great way to remember something or idk just get whatever im thinking down. part of my chi i suppose, just gettting a blank slate. so im just going to write a bit then. working today was sort of ridiculous as it was sooo slow. seriously i think i made like four things, but thats ok. i didnt mind much. i work tomorrow too cause i picked up somebody elses shift. i dont know whos though. but whatever i need money so im happy. except its at five so i get a break hurrahhh. ohh im excited matt and i are playing soccer tomorrow. im really thrilled to hopefully get better. wouldnt that be awesome, actually be good at something that wasnt gymnastics? i really havent excelled in any other sport (as i never had time to play any). one thing that has seemingly fallen out of my life are proper goals. when performing an acrobatic trick, you really have to focus on it and want it, and when you get it people are there to congratulate you & you seriously feel amazing about yourself. its like youve conquered something huge. i really havent gotten that rush off anything else so far. well sort of with design, but not so intense. but anyway, im not reaching for that level of intensity with soccer, i would just like to play and not make an ass of myself basically. you know what i dont like? ive realized unless i really know somebody or get a really friendly vibe off them i hate sexual humor. actually i loathe it especially from older men. this is going to seem like a random rant, but honestly who the fuck do you think you are saying things like that? quite obviously young girls can find young or at least better looking older men. aghhh i just think its so piggish. they dont even have to be saying anything, but just their eyes completely grosses me right out. thank you previous job and current disgusting men. you are pigs. kthx. ohh i saw pirates of the caribbean two. it was so so good. a little confusing at the beginning & i felt the plot was a little lacking in detail, but overall pretty grood. cliffhanger endings...BAHHH. oh well, then i get to go to the movies again for the third. & the stay alive movie that followed it (drive in) was terrible. i give it .1 stars. my behavior as a teenager i feel is entirely too quiet. i mean, what do i honestly do? nothing at all. except excercise and hang out with a select few people as i detest basically everyone else. but here is where i am trying to get to, i lack social skills. i wonder where they are & why i cannot seem to properly respond to any peers. adults i can do just fine with normally depending on the situation at hand, but with people my age i simply do not speak. i listen and keep my mouth shut, and its not because im afraid to speak, but because i dont feel like saying anything. honestly, my opinions really arent adding to the conversation as they just dont fit it. but i dont mind, so long as im not bored. but speaking of being an outcast, i forgot that villa girls are coming to our school next year. i think we are getting eight of them. now here is the question on my mind, what girls will be up in the social ranking of our class and who will be down? i just think it will be interesting to see how this plays out. cause i mean, think about it, who will get kicked out of the girls lunch table? (and no i dont count megan randalls table as a group of girls. they just arent...i dont know what they are, but thats not what i call them) thankfully i do not sit there cause i think my ass would be right flat out on the ground. but yeah, and how will this throw off the dynamics of our already clique and love set class. it will be entirely & truly interesting. actually i could probably write a book on it, and even though im mostly judging this based on the assumption they, like all others, will float to the major clique of our class, im not so sure they will. whos to say it wont affect myself as well? well i guess only september will tell. im really looking forward to my hair getting long, its a little past my shoulders now, but i wish it would just grow faster. and im also looking forward to getting chanel eye glasses, hopefully. ive decided i like wearing glasses and those are the ones for me. lets hope my parents agree with that. now, this is the last topic that i will really discuss, persay. Mrs. Sage, fucking mrs. sage. firstly, i hate you bitch & i hated your class & im pretty sure it was a mutal feeling. so why in gods good earth did you nominate me for the national youth leadership forum??? of course smullin, oh dear and precious smullin got one as well from steck, but you nominating me? i dont understand. personally i dont think this conference will have any benefit whatsoever on myself as reading the itinerary felt like a pro-war on terror seminar, but thank you for nominating me. it was sort of a pleasant surprise, hurrah apparenlty you dont hate me too much. or maybe you think id make a good politician, after all we did argue quite a bit, and im pretty sure i won a fair amount. ^you know whats weird is i threw this out. but my parents somehow fished it out of the garbage, which makes me wonder what else they might be looking for...but anyway...they recieved another one. so now they have two sets, but i didnt want them to find it. i always feel guilty making htem pay for things i really dont need or want terribly terribly badly. i think my mom made me that way when she used to say i wasted their money on gym and took it all from my siblings. no, im not holding a grudge, im just saying it taught me a lesson. but they want me to go, so im checking out the prices. well this has been a long entry. not really positive that it has been entertaining or information or if anybody got this site from the myspace blog i put it up in. i guess if they did, well you are the few, cause i took it down. New Books: Green Garden Notorious Girl Guitar Girl ive discovered, i really like my arms since ive been working on them. and i think they are generally really little & sort of toned. well they are acceptable at least. and my legs are getting better. and i fit into my sisters shirt today. and im still wearing it. so thats nice. except i ate french fries at the drive in at like one in the morning. but i think i was worth it. but i didnt excercise at all today cause i was sick. but ill make up for it tomorrow. CW: 118.5 |
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mmm new jersey is so close. the rest of my week is basically work, so im not really too excited about that but on the brighter side of things at least ill have lots of moneyyy. i worked with bobby yesterday and it wasnt too too bad. cause i figure, well at least he can laugh at himself...or something along those lines. but he was fine suprisingly. && closing with mel = loveee. cause i get out at like 11:20. which is always really really nice. actually i love it to no end. rode my bike 3.2 miles today. cause my weight went back up...gr. oh well im getting better i think. well, i dont really look any better, but i DO feel better. so thats got to say something right? i hope so. matt stayed over last night. laid in spawnies bed & was apparently cold all night. pobrecito is what i say. but we just laid around all morning basically. and ate cookie crisp. yum. and hes coming to my bikini wax with me. aghh im nervous. congrats to matt, he is 146. gained 2lbs. woot woot. just kidding now he is 145. so he says as he steps on my scale. im rich rich rich. tepaz check & cleaning check. and soon my work check. yessahh. more later. |
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Never have i ever been so angry after working, minus suzannes...since that is the black hole period of my life and i try to forget that constantly. anyway, i think it was mikeys personal mission to be the worlds biggest asshole to all the employes and to try and annoy me at much as humanly possible. in case you were wondering, work was like the devils lair in early august (aka the gym) while doing "circle death conditioning." which larry glaring at you the entire time...and for those who do not understand what im talking about, it was long and very uncomfortable. im not going to bitch about the specific details, but just know that i basically stormed out of there mumbling. i can understand why people quit after several nights as such. AGHHH. && apparenlty i may or may not be going to new jersey cause it will cost too much for such a little amount of time. im kind of hoping we can leave earlier or something. *PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE* i really am having the worst summer pretty much ever as i have gotten to go NOWHERE & im fat &&&& this is so so boring. i hate this dead end town. just send me to nyc and ill be happy forever. on the brigher side of things i bought a whole lot of books so i can just read myself somewhere else. reading is so nice like that, you can be somewhere other than where you just so happen to be stuck at. bikini waxes hurt like a bitch. but it was worth it i guess. well not if we arent going to the beach. not that in my condition im particularly int he mood to be in a bathing suit, but oi. oi oi oi... |
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I love to read, especially the genre of ficiton. It's the thing i love to hate. Reading books puts me in a world all my own, a fake world where things are often fabulous & perfect and everything i want to be. but then the book ends, sometimes badly & sometimes fantastic and there I am....back in the real world. sometimes i wish i was just a character in a book, i think life would be better that way. wouldnt it be great if we could just write out our lives and live them? i want to be famous and have the mostly wildly fantastic love life and travel and artisitc and fabulous. but im none of those things and have none of those things. and if i do, even in the slightest way, i dont feel that its good enough. perhaps i root myself too deeply in the entertainment i consume. I seriously can get depressed for a few days after reading or watching something i was deeply connected to. it makes me aspire to be them & live like them because seeing it brings me admiration, which turns sour into jealousy. and the sad thing is, i will never achieve what i read in books. i do not have the body. i do not have the looks. i do not have the money. i do not have the talent. i am just me. and sometimes im just not ok with that. the life im creating for myself isnt half bad, im not particularly trying to make this entry depressing. (though im aware it is) i mean, i have travel (and ive loved it), i have a love interest (or so it shall be called), my body is the worst thing in the world (though it could stand to lose about ten lbs & to be taller & more narrow), and my face could stand to have some memorable qualities and could my persona. do you ever wish you were somebody else? not even a ficitonal character...just somebody you knew? or even someone you didnt? what i wouldnt give to be someone else. or somehow have their qualities. i find that i am: a. tempermental b. easily dissatisfied c. obnoxious d. fat e. high in pride (though i realize i should not be) f. not the best at anything g. not particularly funny h. bad a sexual things i. weird in most aspects j. largely focused on excercise (which people do not seem to enjoy) k. self centered l. aspiring to be a fashionista but often not really catching the boat m. loud & often disrespectful n. thinking im smarter than i actualy am o. not so much fun p. quiet on too many occassions q. wanting to have something to happen in my life to cause drama or excitement r. a bad friend s. a good designer (for my level i hope anyway) t. poor as fuck (but i guess who isnt these days) u. ugly for all intensive purposes, i mean i am not UGLY UGLY. but im your normal, everyday face. nobody wants to see this on a billboard or speak to me out of the blue. v. furthermore, ^you would have to get to know my personality to like me in the first place, which probably wouldnt happen sincei dont let people in, but im afraid. im afraid that when i let someone in all the way, they are going to see what my personality is......a big fat nothing. i think im like a white canvas with a dash of black paint. not very interesting. w. you know for a while i prided myself on being pretty. to which point i realized, normal, average, everyday people all around me are far better looking. why should i put them down for not being pretty when im not even that pretty myself? yeah i have a bad habit of that, cause i dont think anyone is pretty. its a wonder i thought it about myself for roughly a year and a half. x. i actually thought i was hideous up until my freshman year. i thought my god, am i the ugliest of my friends, and quickly determined yes, yes i am. i was better like that you know? modest to say int he least. still quiet & more in my shell like a little hermit crab. y. ^ you know i dont really think there is much difference about me now...i speak to like four people i know. im afraid to come into contact with anybody else. i think my body and persoanlity came without the "i liek people" or "lets be friends" gene(s). wtf? why is it so easy for everybody else? z. i find these days i am often feeling blank and unfinished. theres got to be more in this world right? i just have to get out of this town. just another five years. college will be over and i will be out somewhere making my life happen. thats when my life is going to begin. 2011 here I come. |