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perfect110 Over two years ago... - Subscribe

It has almost been two years since I have written in here. Amazing how much has changed. I doubt there is hardly anyone left that remembers me.

In the past two years I have found freedom (if that exists) from my eating disorder. Am a lot more happy and content with life. I also moved out of my house (twice), first to go a treatment type center and secondly to move out for good into an apartment. I have gotten back into church. Been dumped by two boyfriends. Made a bunch of amazing friends and then lost them all.

I suppose that is why I am writing in here now. I am so incredibly lonely. My heart longs for human interaction. I want to be accepted and liked and loved for who I am. I want people to leave comments on my facebook and e-mail me! I want people to call me. I want to matter. I want... to be noticed.

Right now I am fighting not to run back to what was my coping mechanism for six years. I know why I want to do it but that doesn't help. I want to do it because I am stressed about finals next week, I am lonely, I am depressed, and I am angry but I don't know what to do about it except run and eat everything I can and then vomit into the toilet for an hour. I am feeling out of control. I am feeling rejected. I am feeling like the life I have serves no purpose at all. I could easily be replaced.

I have not had these feelings for over a year, and yet here they all come- rushing back in. Will I ever truly be over this? Am I just going to use my whole life fighting with food and my emotions? I want to a be a photographer but so what- there are thousands of amazing photographers.

Maybe I am just having a depressed week.
perfect~

3 Comments
Mood: agitated

perfect110 Friendss Mar 12th, 2006 10:44:02 pm - Subscribe

Friends get to read special thoughts
They get to understand the person more than anyone else
They get an insiders view

Don'tchya wanna be my friend.
If you understand this you can read my posts.

26 Comments
Mood: lovely

wordartist Joy??? Jul 3rd, 2005 7:31:05 pm - Subscribe

Okay, I've been net surfing, and it seems like every single page I visit has something depressing on it. Really, is anyone actually happy anymore? I mean, yeah, people are allowed to be depressed, but good things do actually happen on this earth!
It's almost as if all the passages on joy in the Bible have been ommited. Everyone's so morbid, it's disugsting. Even as young as I am, I do know depression, I know mental and physical abuse, neglect, bullying, rejection. Ever since I was six years old, I've been abused by my parents, teachers and counsellors. I've never really fit in anywhere, I've always been teased by kids because I have an accent, I walk funny, I'm smart, I can't play sports, I wear glasses... And guess what? I think my life is great!
In conclusion of my irrational rambling, "I've reached the end, and you're the way to begin." The Lord is the only thing that keeps me going sometimes. He gives me eternal joy. Pray, and you get it.
BTW: Agree with me or want to rip my head off? Tell me what you think/your experience in the comments box if you want!

1 Comments
Mood: mopey
: 0/5

wordartist A Church Service Like No Other Jul 3rd, 2005 2:58:32 pm - Subscribe

Today I went to church, and it was a church service like I've never been to before.
First of all, the sermon and worship was taped for the radio, which made the whole thing rather interesting. The pastor had to keep repeating everything, and most people couldn't stop laughing. I really did feel sorry for him. That was the funny part. The amazing part of the sermon was when a man, during a slide presentation of a confrence the pastor had recently been to, walked down the aisle and started yelling at his wife for all to hear! "You hypocrite! You get back out of here right the way you came!" He was still yelling at her (loud and clear) out in the parking lot. The pastor just kept on going like nothing was happening, but I'm pretty sure he was praying for her. A person went outside later to help her (my Mom's chiropracter surprisingly enough), and the woman came back a few minutes later. Two people (one of which is going to be my gym teacher next year, even more surprisingly) went to sit with her after, which was a really good thing. If anyone ever did that to me, I'd hurt them so badly that they'd never be able to talk again! It doesn't sound so spectacular on paper, but it was a sight to see.
Nothing much really happened afterwards, so I guess that's it for now. Later!

0 Comments
Mood: reflective
: 1/5

wordartist Nothing Day Jul 2nd, 2005 6:57:47 pm - Subscribe

The only things I actually did today were play basketball and go to the christian book store to get a cd, and a case for my bible. I hope not every Saturday this summer is like this! I just really want some time alone in the house, so I can practice my singing and talk to myself without major embarrasment. Lol.
Anyway, I have to get to church early tomorrow, I'll report back after then. Later!

0 Comments
Mood: healthy
: 4/5

wordartist Fireworks Jul 2nd, 2005 8:42:18 am - Subscribe

Sorry I didn't post last night- the traffic was so bad leaving the grounds that we didn't get back until 11:30, and by then I was too tired to do anything.
The show was amazing. I'm really impressed. They hired a crane, special effects artist and a trapeze artist to kick start the show. They made a UFO that the trapeze artist could sit in until his cue, and they loaded the UFO with smoke and fire effects. After that, there was a small show launched from the top of the Delta Hotel nearby, and then the real fireworks started. It was perfectly timed and everything. My Dad took like 1000 000 pictures with his night-cam, so maybe I'll post a few here later.
Right now, I have to go shopping with my Mom to get some birthday presents for my Dad, so later.

1 Comments
Mood: slothful
: 1/5

wordartist Festivities Jul 1st, 2005 12:37:56 pm - Subscribe

Canada Day's activities here were ok. Dad and I went really early as they were setting up, and we got a laugh from that. The security guard asked us to leave because the land which they were setting up on wasn't public property, just for today. Public property cannot be private property just for the day. It isn't possible.
Anyway, we went back later at like 12:40. We go a few maps and a few magnets and a few brochures....I went on a few rides that gave me a headache and I had a wax hand made (blood red, just a kind of reminder for me, I guess). It was fairly okay. We saw Steven Harper there, although I just don't know why he'd want to spend his Canada Day here. They have much better celebrations in Ottawa. I guess I'll see the finale at the VIP tent- though nobody seems to know where that is.
I may have had a good time, but it really did remind me how far apart my parents and I are. My Mom seems to have it stuck in her head that if I don't want to go on a ride, or do something that I'm just trying to be rebellious or something equally ridicoulous. If I don't want to do something or go on a certain ride, it's because I'm just not interested. I don't really like my parents, but, I don't have a choice obviously. Sometimes I wish "respect your parents" was ommited from the Bible.
On a different note, my aunt wants to give me my birthday presents while I'm over in Ontario taking care of my Grandmother. My entire extended family lives about 1000 km away, and my Aunt apparently hates postage. So, she wants me to make a wishlist. I loathe wishlists....they're just so...wishlisty. I don't know what I want-my birthday is in August! I guess there's a moral to all this, I just don't know what it is yet.
I'll check back after the fireworks. Later.

1 Comments
Mood: Very slightly ticked
: 2/5

wordartist Canada Day Jul 1st, 2005 6:13:17 am - Subscribe

Happy Canada Day everyone. I hope this year's activities will be slightly more interesting than last year's. Last year was really, really crappy. This year's should be better considering all the promotion they've been placing into the 150th anniversary of the capital. The fireworks this year are advertised to be the biggest in Canada. Considering the $65 000 they put into the show, it'd better be good! My Mom is an employee of a company that was offered spaces in the VIP tent for tonight's show, so that should be an interesting experience.
Well, I have to get going, and I'll check back later with you to tell you about all the freebies I've aqquired!

0 Comments
Mood: positive
: 0/5

wordartist Anti-Conformity Jun 30th, 2005 6:19:38 pm - Subscribe

Ok, so I was just really bored and checking some of your guys blogs (awesome work by the way!), and I came across waiting4u's blog and decided to check out Krystal Meyers's site. (Thanks waiting4u!). From there, I got to anticonformity.net and decided to post my story. So I figured I might as well post it here too, what's to lose right?
I had to change schools last school year, and ended up at one of the two christian schools in the area. I immediatley tried to impress the people there and fit in. The more I tried, the more miserable I got. That summer, I began to see how wrong I had been. The next year I went to yet a different school, a public one this time, and sported a completley different attitude. I started to bring my bible to school instead of people magazine, and talked about God with others more than I ever had before. I was (and am being) ridiculed to no end because of it, but found that I didn't care. in fact, I'm happier than I've ever been because I'm my own person, through Jesus.
So, that's my story. Not very inspirational maybe, but it'll work!

2 Comments
Mood: independent
: 0/5

wordartist BBQ Reflections Jun 30th, 2005 1:09:46 pm - Subscribe

I went to the bbq- it may have been a record breaker for most burnt hotdogs on the face of the planet, but it was for a good cause. I think. In the end, they raised 318 dollars, and for a polpulation of about the same of a small town, that's alot of money for a fundraiser!
Our friends, the Zidechovs (not real last name!) went to Moncton, New Brunswick today. Before they left they asked us if we wanted anything. My Dad was joking around and told them to bring us 10 gallons of coke. The took it seriously. We now have, 20 large bottles of coke sitting on our kitchen floor. Exactly 10 gallons.

How is it possible for a family of 3 to drink that much?
Anyway, I've got to go feed my cat so, I'll post again after dinner if anything interesting happens. Later.

0 Comments
Mood: flabbergasted
: 3

wordartist Day 2 Jun 30th, 2005 10:27:10 am - Subscribe

Yesterday was the official first day of summer vacation. Now, the summer mood shall effect me, seeping into every crevace of my soul like a toe fungus. The summer mood is that feeling you get when you get a phone call at 2:00 am- all your senses are dull, you're as cranky as humanly possible and after answering the phone to report a wrong number, you can't get back to sleep and become as bored as hell. I don't know if anybody else has noticed it, but during summer, in the sweltering heat, if you're not at summer school or working, you go into zombie mode before too long.
Anyway, I have to get to a bbq at the hospital, so-I'll check back later.

2 Comments
Mood: Zombie-Like
: 4/5

randomrazz blah Jun 26th, 2005 5:13:52 pm - Subscribe

i dont know about anything anymore.
i dont care about anything anymore

3 Comments
Mood: sketchy

brit_brit Join the Bethany Dillon street team! May 16th, 2005 7:32:41 pm - Subscribe

Some of might already know that Bethany Dillon is coming out with a new CD titled: "Imagination" on August 18th. Well, I am asking you all since she's such an awesome singer to go and join her street team. In joining you can: vote for the cover pic, win awesome prizes and be the first to hear the latest in Bethany Dillon news. So go and join today!

Come with me, they'll call us Revolutionares.

1 Comments
Mood: spazzy

brit_brit Pictures! Apr 10th, 2005 11:52:30 pm - Subscribe

Here's some new pictures, if you havn't seen them yet. Enjoy!

2 Comments
Mood: sensitive
: \"Room To Breathe\"- ZOEgirl

brit_brit Sorry! Apr 8th, 2005 10:55:39 pm - Subscribe

I am sorry I havn't blogged here in a while. I just never got around to here. Well I am getting my guitar lessons, and that about wraps up my life. haha, sorry I can be so boring.

Hopefully, something exciting will happen and I can post about it.

1 Comments
Mood: headachy

brit_brit survey stolen from Jai Mar 29th, 2005 1:51:54 am - Subscribe

1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? Brittani Christine Valentine Z*****

2. WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING? actually they're shorts, and gray.

3. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? the news in the background

4 WHAT'S THE LAST THING YOU ATE? maple sausage and eggs

5. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? Nope

6. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Black or Pink

7. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW? rainy and cold

8. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My mommy

9. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT YOU THIS? I stole this from Jai. And yeah, I like her. She's cool and a good friend.

10. HOW OLD ARE YOU TODAY? 16

11.FAVORITE DRINK? Diet Coke w/Lemon

12.FAVORITE SPORT? volleyball or soccer

13.HAIR COLOR? yucky brown

14.DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No

15.SIBLINGS? none

16.FAVORITE MONTH? March

17.FAVORITE FOOD? anything mexican or chinese

18.LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Gidget

19.FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? my birthday or Christmas

20.WHAT DO YOU DO TO VENT ANGER? Cry or complain to my online friends.

21.WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? my stuffed bunny, i got when I was 3. I still have it.

22.SUMMER OR WINTER? winter

23.HUGS OR KISSES? both

24.CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? chocolate

25.DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO WRITE/ E-MAIL BACK? they can reply if they want

28.WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? 2 hours ago, i cry everyday

29.WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED? bunch of crap, a Razer scooter

30.WHO IS THE FRIEND YOU HAVE HAD THE LONGEST? Adriann

31.WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT? stayed online for awhile

32.FAVORITE SMELL? a newly bathed bird, really they smell good!

33.WHAT INSPIRES YOU? Jesus, Bethany Dillon, Stacie Orrico, Mary Seaton

34.WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? everything

35.PLAIN, BUTTERED OR SALTED POPCORN? buttered and salted

36.FAVORITE CAR? PT Cruisers, Hummer

37.FAVORITE FLOWER? Roses

38.NUMBER OF KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING? none

39.CAN YOU JUGGLE? Nope

40.FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK? Tuesday

41.WHAT DID YOU DO ON YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY? ate lunch and went and bought my guitar

42.HOW MANY STATES HAVE YOU LIVED IN? 2

43.HOW MANY COUNTRIES HAVE YOU VISITED? 1, Canada

44.HOW MANY CARS HAVE YOU HAD & WHAT WAS THE FIRST? N/A

45.WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Ventura, California

1 Comments
Mood: discarded

brit_brit alone again Mar 24th, 2005 2:15:53 am - Subscribe

Guys, it really sucks. I again was the only one in Youth Group. Pretty much all the services (except Sunday Mornings) I am the only teen. I have been praying for more people my age...the saying is right "Be careful of what you wish for". I got Charlie. Oh joy. I fall for him and later find out he is a skank. Sadly, true. 'Member guys, if I ever, I mean ever fall for him again..slap me and slap me hard.

Well good-night everyone!

2 Comments
Mood: cute

brit_brit survey Mar 22nd, 2005 12:46:43 am - Subscribe

Favorite . . .
Conditioner: none
Body wash: Caress
Shirt: my pink Happy Bunny shirt
Shoes: black high, high heels
Place to think: my room
Place to update my blog: computer

Have You Ever . . .
broken the law: i think so
snuck out of the house: nope
skipped school before: nope
been in a school play: yes
had a hard time getting over someone: yeah, but not Charlie!
been hurt?: YES
gone out with someone you only knew for 3 days: never had a boyfriend

Random . . .
if you were a crayon, what color would you be?: pink or black
Who was your last boyfriend/girlfriend? no one
What are you thinking about right now? nothing
Least favorite singers? umm...POD

Love Life:
Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend? at the moment? nope
Ever had your first kiss? nope
if so, when? never
1st person you ever had a crush on? Edward in Preschool. I stopped liking him cause he ate his boogers.

Friends:
Craziest? um...KRISTIN!
Shyest? Christian, Alyssa
Ditziest? no one
Most Honest? Christian
Weirdest? Adriann
Most Trustworthy? Kristin, Alyssa, Jai, Christian
Known the longest? Adriann (offline, we have known each other since she was 1 and I was 2. And we are still friends.)
Most like me? Carly, we are both sooo depressed.

0 Comments
Mood: whatever

brit_brit Sweet Sixteen Mar 16th, 2005 11:14:32 am - Subscribe

As you all know my birthday was yesterday. My parents gave me a card and it had $80.00 in it. So they took my to Fred Myers and I bought myself the acoustic guitar that I have wanted for like years! It's a beauty. I can't play it at all though. So I might be getting some lessons. Which is a total plus. I took some pictures yesterday and with my guitar. Once they are developed I'll post them here.

I got a reply from Christian. What I did is I said I know of someone of SOOF who likes him and if he wanted to know who. He replyed and told me that he is very shy when it comes to girls and that right now he wants to just be friends. So to tell him some other day. Which is fine with me. I'll just throw him hints. But I do like him alot. He is amazing. I have never met a guy who was such a strong christian in my life. So yeah. That's it for now.

1 Comments
Mood: puzzled

brit_brit lalala Mar 14th, 2005 12:33:11 pm - Subscribe

I am like on pins and needles waiting for his reply. lol, I'm just worried that this might ruin our friendship. *sighs* It has been what....5 years since I told a guy how I felt. But it should go okay.

I am now gonna have to do my schooling online, and then chores. Cause tommorrow is my birthday! I will be 16, dating age! *bounces* Like I'll ever have a boyfriend. Well gotta go.

0 Comments
Mood: Honest- Rachael Lampa