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Dec 21st, 2007 5:32:19 pm - Subscribe |
| "If I could act like This was my real life, And not some cage where I've been placed, Well then, I could tell you The truth like I used to And not be afraid of sounding fake." -Bright Eyes. I feel like shit. This past year i've changed, tried to be nicer, tried to be more social. I've made so much friends, but it's come at a price. I'm not the hyper, crazy me I was twelve months ago. My friends are befriending a lie. So I called on my best friend of two years, who I've never even met in real life. It's an online friendship but it's helped me through so much shit. It won't manifest into something else until atleast another two years. We'll last much longer than that, I know. I texted him. Ranted about how fake I'm becoming. About how I am fighting the irresistable urge to once again don my gothic makeup. Push away people who don't fit to my standards, but cling so tightly to the rest. I used to have such intense feelings. I feel so sane now. I hate it. He just said he loved me and was proud to be my friend. It worked. Then my boyfriend called. Let me tell you about him. When I moved to this school a year ago, I crushed on him. Instantly. He was crazy, outgoing, funny, all the things I'd had to stop being. He had an anger management problem, too. He's not very smart, but he tries. I had a crush on him for like a year before we got together. It's been a month and a half. If you ask him, he'll tell you the exact amount of days. He's like that. Anyway, last night, he asked what was wrong. I tried to tell him, i really did, but it came out jumbly. It takes me a long time to get used to people, and i'm not used to him yet. 'used to' is the term I use, though most people would say 'trust'. I don't know if they're the same. Anyway, he knows this and he's willing to let me take my time. I feel so guilty. So selfish. He's amazing, really, he is. But he's very go-go-go and this relationship is go-go-go-ing too fast for me. He's so intense. I'm so jealous that I can't be that intense anymore. I have a new year's resolution... |
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| feelin kinda.. envious |
x(0) threadbare memories. sew them up with reason and regret? |
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