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phantasmic
alright now... - Subscribe
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time to be honest with myself here, my rejected feeling isn't just from tonight's "later" but "no" that is all too familiar....i feel this way because of all the "let's hang out"s, the "i miss you"s, the "we should catch up"s, and all the other empty phrases that go unfinished. it's not always the thought that counts. intention isn't always good enough. i want things to be said, and done. not said and left alone. is that so much to ask? maybe it is. i try my hardest to do what i say i'm going to do. i guess i just wish people could do the same for me now and again. yeah this is a lot of silly thought vomit, but maybe it'll allow me to get some sleep if i release this emotional buildup. ha. right. i always bottle it all up. but it never really explodes. more like a pop bottle, i'll fizz over and make a mess, but no real harm done. i need an outlet, something other than this blog. besides, i hardly use it anyway. no point really with no feedback. then again, maybe i don't need the feedback, i tend to sort it all out in my head after a while. would be nice to have someone to speed up the process though. oh well. and oddly enough, the randomly associated mood is just my personality. the boy tells me often enough how i need to lighten up, have some fun.....but how can i when no one seems to want to have fun with me? |
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Need I say I love you Need I say I care Need I say that emotions, Something we dont share I dont want to be sitting here Trying to deceive you Cos you know I know baby That I dont wanna go. We cannot live together We cannot live apart Thats the situation Ive known it from the start Every time that I look at you I can see the future Cos you know I know babe That I dont wanna go. Throwing it all away Throwing it all away Is there nothing that I can say To make you change your mind I watch the world go round and round And see mine turning upside down Youre throwing it all away. Now who will light up the darkness Who will hold your hand Who will find you the answers When you dont understand Why should I have to be the one Who has to convince you Cos you know I know baby That I dont wanna go. Someday youll be sorry Someday when youre free Memories will remind you That our love was meant to be Late at night when you call my name The only sound youll hear Is the sound of your voice calling Calling after me. Just throwing it all away Throwing it all away Theres nothing I can say Were throwing it all away Yes were throwing it all away... |
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Life has changed, drastically i might add. What's happened? Honestly I don't even know. It's weird having just about no girlfriends. None, zip. I have like one who i really talk to. I guess i just don't get along with girls. And it's hard to have guy friends, because well it just is. I've lost my best friend, I know it for sure at this point. She's completely different now at this point anyways. So much for building up relationships and trust. It seems like such a waste now. Now that i've seemed to have lost the most important people in my life. These are the years you look back on. The memories you make in high school.. are not ones i want to remember when I'm older. I don't want to graduate, but I can't wait to leave. I have no idea what I want to do with my life.. I don't want to go to college i really don't. It just feels like it will be highschool all over again. More bullshit. More heartbreak. Waste, a fucking waste. I try to get close with others. Then I just pull away. Farther and farther away I go. Off in oblivion. Take me away. The empty pages of our scrap book kill me. KILL ME. The memories we wont make, the memories we have made and are now nothing. I fucked up. Because of my stressful life I fucked it up. I'm so sick of fucking shit up. i know i making a bunch of mistakes as the days go by. Seriously. I've just made one of the biggest mistakes of my life in the past week. And for what? To feel something? What i would do to feel something. Take me away A million miles away from here Take me away Find a place for you and me You're taking me higher High as I could be Take me away Forever you and me Take me away Fin. |
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phantasmic
lost Jan 10th, 2008 7:47:26 am - Subscribe
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Sometimes I feel lost. "Don't we all?" you might say. Well, I haven't felt this lost in a loooong time. For one thing, I'm blogging again. Christ. Do you ever feel like your world is being ripped apart for reasons unknown, perhaps the mere reality that the life you have isn't right and fate is trying to correct itself? That's my life at the moment. It sucks. Atypical of my OLD blogs, I'm just rambling off my thoughts rather than trying to be poetic about it. I realized awhile ago that I have trouble doing that, it is not something that comes naturally for me like some. Redirecting my thoughts here....My boyfriend's friend is going military, HUGE impact. Obviously. In addition...the BF is on really good terms with his ex, which makes me nervous because I know he still has feelings for her. In fact he actually admitted that to me a few hours ago. Yes, yes I know he explained it well enough and it's nothing like how I fear it is, but I'm still restless because of it. Just knowing that my "feelings" about things are once again becoming frighteningly accurate (no, it wasn't this event that triggered this thought, but did add to it) is unnerving to say the least. I had a minor anxiety attack today. Haven't had one in a few months I believe. What fun those are. Not. Hm. I suppose that's about it for now. About as "in your face" as I'll ever be. Think I might try to blog more frequently...I feel mildly better. |
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I gave you everything I had to offer. I was your "world", your "everything". We touched and became one. Love at first sight is an understatement. It feels like I'm dying is an understatement. I want everything back. I wish I was never your world. I want to be my own person again. When someone says the words, "You're so beautiful" it's an empty, hallow statement. It means nothing coming from anyone but you. You know me inside and out. You know my true beauty on the inside. It's hard for me to let go of that. It's hard for me to let go of you. |
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Yessssssss, life is still amazingly great. Roger Waters today, which will be amazingly great as well. Blog fin. You've changed my life already. |
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Into the distance, a ribbon of black. Stretched to the point, of no turning back. A flight of fancy, on a windswept field. Standing alone, my senses reeled. A fatal attraction is holding me fast, How can I escape this irresistible grasp? Can't keep my eyes from the circling sky. Tongue-tied and twisted Just an earth-bound misfit, I. Ice is forming, on the tips of my wings. Unheeded warnings, I thought I thought of everything. No navigator, to guide my way home unladened, empty and turned to stone. A soul in tension that's learning to fly, Condition grounded but determined to try. Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies. Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I. Above the planet on a wing and a prayer, My grubby halo, a vapour trail in the empty air. Across the clouds I see my shadow fly, Out of the corner of my watering eye. A dream unthreatened, by the morning light. Could blow this soul right through the roof of the night. There's no sensation to compare with this, Suspended animation, A state of bliss. Can't keep my mind from the circling skies. Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I. Life is fantastical. Can't seem to get you off my mind. Blog fin. |
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Almost, anyways. I start work this week. Oh joy? I'm not oo sure yet. I find myself falling harder and faster. And I think he feels the same way. It makes me nervous. He's different. He's definitely the nicest guy I've hung out with... probably ever to be honest. This time it feels different. Haha, I say this like everytime.. but seriously a guy has never been like this with me. So friday night, I went to a party. And had a couple drunk guys who were 19 hit on me. Myself, being only a little buzzed, was pretty much appalled.. it was like.. the most irritating thing ever. Luckely a couple good guys helped me out, which I'm very thankful for. I guess not all guys are ass's. =) Well, I need all the luck I can get for exams... That's about all that's really on my mind lately, sad I know. Haha. Blog fin. |
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My trip to virgin-yah was alright. It wasn't the greatest, but it wasn't the worst. School's almost over, and I just got a job at a local sub shop yesterday. It's weird, when I look back on this year.. it seems so wasteful. But, alot of things have happened. I'm not sure how many I regret, or how many I don't... but either way, I've definitely learned alot. I've learned that I am who I am, and if you hate me you hate me. I think most people either love me or hate me, but maybe that's just my point of view. I'm still not minding the single life, I mean sure it'd be nice to be with someone. But, I haven't really found anyone I completely connect with lately. There are definitely a couple good possibilities... but I donno, there seems to be a down side with each guy. I'm also quite confused, it seems as though he's getting closer again. Does he just want to be good friends? Or more then that? Even other people have noticed it. I don't think I want more than friends with him, it'd be too difficult for me to handle. I'd be super worried I wasn't the only one he wanted. It's weird when you meet someone new, and feel an imediate happiness inside. I like it when he smiles, it makes me smile. I also like looking into his eyes. Oh geeeeesh, I'll stop now. hehe. Moving on to a different topic, I'm slowing down I've decided. With parties, that is. I believe it's time for me to just sit back and watch, it's my turn to be the calm and collected one. Wellp, I guess that's about it for now. Blog fin. [ It's hard to make the good things last. ] |
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I choose neither. Fuck it. I perfectly fine with being single, and honestly at the moment I'm loving it. It's going to be summer, and I'm going to want my freedom anyways. No use in someone tying me down. There, I said it. I feel good. Now I just have to shake these kids away from me somehow. I think I did something this weekend that will def make one of them forget about me. Heh. And as for the other... I guess I'll just be honest with him, because he deserves honesty. Here goes nothing. (I bet in about 5 entry's I'll be cryin' about not having a boyfriend, haha. Oh well.) Blog fin. If you're going to San Francisco. Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair. If you're going to San Francisco. You're gonna meet some gentle people there. For those who come to San Francisco. Summertime will be a love-in there. In the streets of San Francisco. Gentle people with flowers in their hair. All across the nation such a strange vibration. People in motion. There's a whole generation with a new explanation. People in motion people in motion. For those who come to San Francisco. Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair. If you come to San Francisco. Summertime will be a love-in there. If you come to San Francisco. Summertime will be a love-in there. |
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Now I'm in an entirely similar situation as one of my best friends. I have to choose. Damnit. Both have their positives, both only have like one or two negatives. This is realllllllly hard. I hope I make the right choice in the end. =/ Blog fin. I love how your eyes close, whenever you kiss me. And when I'm away from you, I love how you miss me. I love the way your kiss is always heavenly. But darling most of all, I love how you love me. I love how your heart beats, whenever I hold you. I love how you think of me, without being told to. I love the way your touch is always tenderly. But darling most of all, I love how you love me. I love how your eyes close, each time that you kiss me. And when I'm away from you, I love how you miss me. I love the way your kiss is always heavenly. But darling most of all, I love how you love me... |
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having such a soft spot for badboys. who have lip rings. damnit. blog fin. Atleast I made someone smile. =) |
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I miss conversations about books, music, paintings, mystery, etc. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do now, because I'm not really sure how I feel. I want to go out for a cruise. I want to clear my mind the way I used to. Windows down, and the breeze blowing through my hair. Blasting music down the rez roads. Smoke coming out our mouths. I wish I kept in touch with people more. I wish people wanted to stay in touch with me more. Blog Fin. But I let you down. And swollen and small, is where you'll find me now. With that silver stripping off, from my tongue you're tearing out. And you'll never hear me talk. All I could want is silver and spinning, out from your arms and into the pretty pit of your heart. So simply and softly we'd flow. But I let you down. And swollen and small, is where you'll find me now. With that silver stripping off, from my tongue you're tearing out. And you'll never hear me talk. Into you, I will glow. |
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I never thought things would change between us. =/ I miss you. You're my best friend. You're still the person I'd come to if I had a problem, still the guy I could always count on no matter what. I hope things get back to normal. And I heard that you do too. I miss our jokes, and being as close as we were. Blog fin. You're a part of me that I'm not willing to let go of. |
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Something feels right. Blog fin. "So let your arrow fly, and see I’m well within your aim. And lay your traps for a thousand miles.. and please don’t let me, escape." |
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I've been having problems with my grandma lately, well my family has.. and I had this dream. My grandma came to school and was walking around. I found her in the band room, talking to my friend Larissa. She fucked Larissa over I think. Larissa was scared. I tried explaining to her that it was okay and that my grandmother was warped, and played mindgames. I'm not sure if she really understood though. So, I'm walking through the hall with my grandmother, larissa now gone. My grandmother's stumbling all over and wont stop muttering to herself. She was saying something about needing to get me better, and that she was going to help me. (she just bought me vitamins a couple weeks ago, childrens vitamins I might add. -_- So I'm thinking that's the connection there) At this point I've been skipping class, and trying to hide my grandmother in the school. I somehow, now was pushing her in a wheelchair. We were headed for the gym, but when we passed the elavator the doors.. they had open. Inside our bitchy, school librarian was sitting on the ground, with a bunch of tools. She gave me a peculiar look and said, "I'm just fixing the elevator, it happends to be broken." And I replied, "I'm trying to fix my grandmother, she's schizophrenic ." She gave me another look, as to say.. sorry and that sucks. Then the doors shut, and opened right up again. She appeared in a coat and dress, just as though she came from outside. She just walked by me this time, and gave me her usually bitchy look. I called my mom, because my grandmother couldn't just stay at school with me. Also, I would definitely get in trouble for skipping another class. I said, "Guess who's here? Grandma." I can't really remember what my mom had said, but I think it was something like, "I know" or "Are you serious?" And she said she was twenty minutes away, and would be there to pick us up then. Hiding my obscene grandmother for that long would be too hard. I called my sister, and she happened to be right by the school. For some reason my moms truck was parked outside, so I sat my grandmother in there, along with a bag I had.. which I have no idea what it was full of. But, when my sister got there my grandma had fallen asleep. And my sister looks at her, with a terrible and shocked look. I automatically shook my head, and mouthed the words, "No, she's not dead!" So we get her in my sisters car, and I take my belongings in there as well. And as I worried about school, how I would get a note and how I would explain everything to everyone my sister asks me, "You recognize this, right?" And I say, "It's Interpol right?" And alls she said was, "Yep. You got it" And I woke up. I don't really have time to explain this now, I've got to get ready for school. So I'll come back and finish this entry later. Blog Fin. |
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Now I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I don't want to end up breaking this kids heart. dsjafghdsjklghsdjklhagjkldshgjklsahgjkljsfhakl. Blog fin. Fuck it. |
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Okei okei, my positive attitude has finally come around again. Thanks to my best guy friend, who happends to give very good advice. =D Moving along. Oh geeze. I realized the boy I kinda sorta maybeeee like will be going on the band trip.. and he'll be sitting with moi on the bus. =) Yes, yes. I'm not sure if I really like him or not.. but he's got.. such a cute innocent thing going for him. Blah. I can't make up my mind though. I'm kind of in mid air right now with who I like. Mostly because someone else is "waiting for the right time" to tell me he likes me. So blah. I already know he does, so I donno why he just doesn't open up his feelings to me right now! Cause, I kinda sorta like him too. Blah. I can't make my mind up. Which, for once seems okay. The boys I kind of like are good guys, which makes me happy that I'm not picking someone who'll get me into trouble. Enough about that! I've been reading a ton lately, and I think that might have something to do with my mood swing to being happy alot for some reason. Oh and I ran into my friend Tim from the haunted house. It was nice to see him, and he greeted me with arms open for a hug =) Well, I've got to go to work. Blog fin. I get excited when I get confused. |
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The ability to except being alone, and except your life for what it has become. Can you except reality for what it really is? Can you except your self for whoyou really are? Is it possible to ever feel completely full? Possible, yes. Likely? No. Your selfworth suddenly becomes nothing. You are just one more person, trying to make it. Trying to live the fullest that you can. It's hard. It's hard now. It's hard tomorrow. It'll be hard in ten years. Life throws you through so many loops, twists and turns, it's a never ending overflow of stress. There are times where it's easy, times where you smile, times where you're glad you're who you are. These short moments in your life, make you feel like it's worth it. Living feels almost reasonable, and like you're supposed to do what you're doing. Again, like you're supposed to be who you are. BUT. The days are lonely, and nights are even lonelier. Will you make it through? Should you feel accomplished just for living the next day? Just for getting out of bed? Just for holding on to reality? When you lay in bed at night, are you satisfied with what you've done that day? It strikes. You've heard of it so many times. It has become your worst nightmare. It has been in your genes since you were born. It has finally conquered you. You feel like living one day, means nothing. The only thing it means is that you're name wont be in tomorrows obituaries. The weight of existance is gone. The breeze blows through your hair. The fresh smell of sunflowers. Freedom. Ten feet below, has suddenly become miles above. A happiness you've never felt before. To feel truely high, truely lifted, truely free. Do you regret the things you've done? No. Exsistance has finally been conquered. You beat life, before life could beat you. Did you really win? That's up for you to decide. Blog fin. (I'll probably end up priviting this anyways, like most of my meaningful entries. Sorry for any errors, or if it's confusing. It's sort of my take on life at the moment. I'm almost done reading a book about suicide, so I guess it was on my mind while I was writing this. I'm sorry if my writing technique isn't all that great..) And from the sidelines you'd see me run, until I'm out of breath. Living the good life, I left for dead.. the sorrowful Midwest. Well I did my best... to keep my head. |
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My concepts are great, but my writing sucks. I want people to understand what I feel, abd not be confused by the mess of babble I use (words) to express myself. Eggggh, I think I'm better at reading than writing. Also, there is the fear in me that what I write wont be appreciated, and even worse disliked. Blog fin. |