 ...she's / hardly / what / she / seems / <3 |
| All the good ones. |
Aug 10th, 2008 6:58:36 am - Subscribe |
| Pounding, spinning, slow. Churning growls louder than my jumbled thoughts, getting blocked out by snippets of television every now and then. Slow and steady. Relax. I cry. Deep breaths. Slow and steady. I need someone more than ever but there is no one for me. Where have all the good ones gone? |
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| mood: dazed |
(3) comments |
| Boys hit girls. |
Aug 5th, 2008 1:56:20 am - Subscribe |
| Him: Drunken anger, hatred towards me, love for his brother. He doesn't listen to anyone I tell him not to, more like beg. Me: Sober, scared, screaming. "Stop don't do this your brother will be home soon he isn't going to like what I tell him, don't make it worse" He hit me once. I hit him back. He hit me twice. Unconscious, bleeding from my mouth. On the cold hard floor. Bouncing around I hear crying pushing my hair out of my face with a wet face cloth wiping the blood from my mouth. Ray is bent over me crying, Amanda is driving somewhere. Concord hospital, empty I'm cold. Ray has his arms wrapped around me, where was he when his brother hit me? I need six months of dental work and now I have braces on my once perfect teeth, I have a concussion, and I need to have surgery on my septum. I probably shouldn't have stood up to him. Damn my stubborn confidence. |
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| mood: famished |
(3) comments |
| I'm doing... |
Jul 28th, 2008 6:43:17 pm - Subscribe |
| that thing again where I think entirely too much and all my thoughts get jumbled and lost... bad ideas are starting to sound like good ideas even though I know they are probably bad ideas. I am thinking about school and everything. I was thinking of taking some time off and joining the peace corps. But I don't know I am doing so well in school as it is. But I want to start over somewhere new, somewhere where I can recreate myself and meet new people. I was also thinking about moving away on my own, getting a full time job saving up some money for a year and then heading back to school... I feel like that would be a good idea. I want a different school because I am bored with the life I have now, I am sick of who I am. I want to move somewhere new, totally different from where I am now. I want to move to the midwest where there is no beach or mountains. Where I will sound exotic because of my thick Boston accent and people will wonder where this girl came from. I want my own apartment with roomies I have never met before in my life. I want to be a mystery. I want to move somewhere weird, like Wisconsin, Minnesota, Washington, or Kansas. Somewhere people wouldn't normally want to be. I just want somewhere besides here where I can be me. I know I am going to think more about this and I am going to realize that it is a bad idea because to be quite frank I don't have enough gall to go out and start new. |
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| mood: complicated |
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| Why does this happen to me |
Jul 28th, 2008 6:17:00 pm - Subscribe |
| Jeff keeps playing with my head. He knows I love him more than anything, but he tells me he doesn't know what's going to happen, he keeps telling me he still loves me but doesn't think it will work right now. We were perfect for three years. That's a really long time. I've built my life entirely around him, we never ever fought not even when we broke up. How did this happen? Where does love go? How can you love someone so much and they don't want anything to do with you? I can't keep him off my mind. When I wake up he is the first person I think of, when I go to bed I end up crying because he isn't laying next to me. I want him to want me. I don't want to be lonely anymore. |
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| mood: heartbroken |
(0) comments |
| The fast lane. |
Jul 24th, 2008 8:26:15 pm - Subscribe |
| We live fast. Going from one party to another, days without sleep. We take our Zoloft with vodka, but we don't talk about our feelings. Shopping on Newbury St, clothes we pretend to afford. Sky high heels, pearls, and a sleek black dress. Don't forget the wine and we're out the door. Look but don't touch, we change our names, Amanda is now Mandie, Johanna is now Jonie, Antonia is now Torie. Smile big, bat your eyelashes let them think they can have you. This isn't a life I lived a year ago, it was a life I thought I wanted. |
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| mood: icky |
(0) comments |
| It hurts. |
Jul 24th, 2008 9:23:25 am - Subscribe |
| Why is it that I want him so much and he doesn't even give me the time of day? Why does it hurt so much? |
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| mood: needy |
(0) comments |
| Karma. |
Jul 18th, 2008 5:06:40 pm - Subscribe |
| I find it funny how a guy can play two girls that have never met against each other and expect them not to find out. What is funnier is when the two girls meet to have coffee downtown and realize that their friendship has a better chance of flourishing than the relationship each started with the boy. One word: Karma. |
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| mood: fluffy |
(0) comments |
| It's inevitable |
Jul 13th, 2008 6:48:21 pm - Subscribe |
| I've come to terms with the fact people change, and sometimes it's for the better and sometimes it sucks, but one thing is inevitable and that is love. You will always love, whether it's yourself, your friends, your dog, flowers, or another person. There will always be love in your life you just have to realize it when it's there. |
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| mood: infinite On the speakers:: Underoath |
(0) comments |
| Liquid Amnesia. |
Jul 11th, 2008 4:44:10 pm - Subscribe |
| Flow through me, light brown, sweet, warm liquid. First sip: Man up it won't kill you... I closed my eyes smelled my bitter-sweet enemy. Put the bottle to my lips, one sip down. Shuddering, and convulsing almost. Nothing as bad as lost love. The warmth takes over my body and I am starting to feel happy. I am taking a walk through the streets of Lowell. The night is cool and I have goosebumps, I don't want to get too cold. Second Sip: The second is never as bad as the first. I knew what to expect and didn't care. Down the hatch. Forgetting the cold, and enjoying the cool air. Heritage Dr. the houses are a lot bigger here, homes to dentists and doctors. Probably mine. Everyone dreams of that life, the big house in the quiet neighborhood. But there is a house wife or a stressed out lawyer doing the same thing as I am. Trying to forget their problems. Because life isn't as good as it all seems. The Merrimack River runs high this time of year, rushing over rocks and the little islands. It rose one day after a few storms. Taking away the homes of whatever lived on those islands. So in the memory of their pain and suffering I take a sip. Third: Doesn't even phase me. Slides smoothly down my throat, the sips getting bigger than the one before, and now I am forgetting your face. Fourth: I take another right after that without even a pause, and I am forgetting your name with every swig. I walked back home because I can't drive. I go into my house and take every picture I could find of you, everything you ever gave me and I put it all in a garbage bag. I finish off the pint and I put that in there too with a note to myself. I go out to the back yard and I dig a hole and I bury it down there. Maybe this will help. |
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| mood: demented |
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| Dancing on the corpse's ashes. |
Jul 7th, 2008 5:29:53 am - Subscribe |
| Tonight I can't sleep, and it's not the hot sticky New England summer air that is keeping me up. It's all the words you have ever said to me. I am not hanging on every word, I am just hanging on to their meanings. I am overanalyzing and over thinking because it's what I do best. I found myself today standing on the balcony over a wishing well with all the coins I could possibly find. I threw my last one in and then I realized I was wishing for the wrong thing. No matter what I do you're always on my mind, no matter how much you change or how unattractive you get. The boy in my bed isn't you. It doesn't matter who it is that is burying their face in my hair and playing with the rings on my fingers it's still you I think about. It's the meaning of it all. That is what gets me because you always seemed to be more into it than I ever was, it's funny how things work out this way. I am going to toss and turn in my bed most likely by myself and you are going from girl to girl trying to forget about me. |
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| mood: blue |
(0) comments |
| Start over. |
Jun 17th, 2008 3:26:29 pm - Subscribe |
| I simply can't take this anymore. I love you more than you could even imagine lets make this perfect again. |
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| mood: alone |
(1) comments |
| Thunder and lightening. |
Jun 17th, 2008 1:10:47 am - Subscribe |
| I wish I could fast forward time to see what will happen at the end of the summer, I hate waiting for endings. More than that I hate thunder and lightening. They go together like we once did. Will you please put the thunder back into my life? |
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| mood: impatient |
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| Forever is now. |
Jun 12th, 2008 8:09:30 am - Subscribe |
| Do you know what it's like to lose a part of your life? Unwillingly at that. When you've fought so hard... just to get it all ripped away. Now I am drinking away my problems with a friend who I havn't talked to since sophomore year and we are sitting on the train tracks over the river. Watching the water run beneath us it's not moving fast but it's moving.. the same with my life lately. I lost him... I hope not forever. We were meant to be. He was the one. He still loves me "More than a friend but not as much as I used to". It's all my fault, I let him go the first time. I've cried for over twenty four hours straight my eyes are swollen and I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to cry or think about him either. It shouldn't be this hard ever. I want to go back in time I love him so much. I get so frustrated. Okay so I am drunk and this is why I am telling you all this but I don't think anyone knows what it's like to be me lately. Nothing in my life is what I thought it was. Everything is falling apart and I can't put it back together. I am trying so hard. I just need a little help. While we were sitting on that bridge we were talking while drinking down beer and sipping cheap vodka, you know the kind you buy for about ten dollars and you just mix it with gatorade like it's high school all over again. We were just sitting there on the tracks taking rocks and seeing how far we could throw them... not as far as our softball days. We were talking about life, boys, school, and the past. And then we both got really quiet not an awkward quiet but a peaceful quiet. And then I found myself thinking how I wouldn't really mind all that much if a train came right now... I would do one of two things. I would either sit there with my head down and drink my bud light or I would step aside and jump on it and go where ever it takes me. Far away hopefully. I would love to disappear for a while and show up a whole new person, learning from different experiences. I want to work on a farm and fall in love with someone random just to leave a few days later. I want to kiss a boy from every state, and meet a cute stranger in the train station and have him buy me dinner... I want to make someone fall in love with me and ruin them the way you did me. Ruin them for anyone else so that they can never love fully again, you stole my heart and not in the cute sense of the phrase. But you stole apart of me and I want it back. |
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| mood: A little crazy. |
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| I'm too scared. |
Jun 2nd, 2008 5:51:56 am - Subscribe |
| I just don't even know what to say. I don't know where to begin. I've made mistakes and their solutions are much easier said than done. I thought we were done but then I realized I can't live without you Jeff, and now I have this other boy who is in love with me and I don't love him back... but I don't want to break his heart because he is the fragile type. I am not really fond of those kinds of boys but I couldn't help it. I just want to run away to the mountains... you know that movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind? Yeah well I want to do that. I want to erase everything and everyone from my memory and I want to move to the mountains of Colorado or the beaches of somewhere small and tropical and start everything over. I think Jack Kerouac said it the best: "I like too many things and I get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another until I drop." |
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| mood: reserved |
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| Fucked. |
May 16th, 2008 7:05:00 am - Subscribe |
| Jeff and I have been broken up since Septemberish... it was my fault. I have regretted it for a while. But we were like in one of those "It's complicated" type of relationships. It seems when one person is ready for a relationship the other isn't. It's funny how things work out like that. Today we were at his house just hanging out and we started talking about us. What is going to happen why is it weird? Can we fix it? His idea was to break up for good and see if we can fix it that way but I told him the truth, if you break this up for good I won't be able to talk to you for a while. I mean a while. He didn't like that idea. He said "I love you, I want this to be better, and I need you in my life but I am not ready for this relationship to be real again because we both have to figure ourselves out". I agree. I cried, a lot. He did too. We realized breaking up wouldn't fix us. We had to let down our walls. What happened to us over this past year. We spent three years happily together. We never even fought. We were perfect. I still think we can be. |
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| mood: regretful |
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| I don't know what it is. |
May 14th, 2008 7:42:48 am - Subscribe |
| Being late is never a good thing. 5 minutes, an hour, a day, two weeks... You think, and think, overanalyze a little and think about everything. Prayers, wishes, hopes, and tears. Just swallow your pride. Test yourself. Everything is alright for a few moments. What can be the problem? I don't know what it is anymore. |
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| mood: conflicted On the speakers:: Jimmy Eat World |
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| Let it happen. |
May 9th, 2008 5:02:21 am - Subscribe |
| So today it ended. One year down and four to go. I miss you more than you will ever know. So many people have left ends loose. I want to believe it's not the end and that things will be better but it's summer time. I just need to put up my feet, kick back, relax, and let whatever happens, happens. |
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| mood: carefree |
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| What have I lost... |
May 6th, 2008 3:48:53 am - Subscribe |
| You know that feeling you get when you lose something that is really important to you... You start thinking really fast, almost too fast. The thoughts get tangled up in your head and your brain doesn't know what to do or how to sort them. Then your heart starts pumping like a million miles a second you can feel it in your chest. It feels like it is going to break through your ribs at any moment. Your blood starts pumping. Pulsing through your veins and you can hear it in your head... lub dub lub dub... that's all you can hear now because your brain stopped trying to sort your thoughts. Your face starts heating up, cheeks turn bright red and they get really warm, almost like you have a fever. Shaking you rip apart everything you own. Hands, legs, everything just shaking, things are flying everywhere and you don't even care now. If it's important enough you feel sick. Nausea takes you over you just don't want to stand. Short breaths, you can't find it you give up for a little bit to lay down because your body can't keep up like this very long. Laying down you get a knot in your stomach and chest. Worst feeling ever it's like your body is trying to make up for what you're missing but the pieces just aren't fitting together. Nothing can be as good as what you lost. |
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| mood: sullen On the speakers:: Matchbox 20 |
(1) comments |
| I don't think it's unjust. |
May 4th, 2008 1:34:41 am - Subscribe |
| I don't like when you touch me. Or look at me for that matter. Don't even come near me. I want to hate you so bad. My body is shaking and I blame it on the cold. Thank goodness it's raining outside. The rain is pounding down on the two of us. You don't even know what it's like to love you have never felt what I feel. This anger, this sadness. I know you don't stay up at night wondering how all this happened. You asked me if I cried. I said no. And that's not a complete lie. I love how you have the audacity to confront me about breaking your heart. You're not mad at me for breaking your heart, you're embarrassed that I left you. And I know you aren't going to tell your friends or the other brothers why because you are too embarrassed. I would say I am sorry but I know I wouldn't mean it. Unlike you I mean everything I say, I wouldn't say something if it wasn't true. Unlike you I really cared about you. Unlike you I wasn't thinking about myself. And unlike you I am going to walk away a mature adult. When I see you on campus I will say Hi, and at our mixers I will be polite, but don't take that as anything more than me just being a mature person because honestly I don't ever want to see you again. |
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| mood: sniffly |
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| Just won't settle. |
May 4th, 2008 1:22:54 am - Subscribe |
| I've made mistakes in mu life. I've let people take advantage of me and I accept way less than I deserve. But I've learned from my bad choices and even though there are something I can never get back and people who will never be sorry, I'll know better next time and I won't settle for anything less than I deserve. | |
| mood: aggressive |
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