I am back from my trip but I am sick.
Still happy though <3
Okay so I was talking to Bryan on the phone last night for get this... six hours. I hate talking on the phone too. Wierd eh?
Well we did alot of talking oh yeah&he did visit me like he was supposed to& he isn't going through with the wedding. Wanna know why? Well I am going to tell you anyways.
He never "Fell out of love with me&he doesn't love her like the way he did me". And I feel the same way. I love the kid end of story.
Well no it's not the end of the story but I wish I could end it make everthing easy.
I can go to Rhode Island for college which is planned, we can get a place together&live out our happy college kid lives full of lust, love, stress, and happiness.
But then I guess hates me&has like a death wish for me. Which is completly understandable. I ruined her wedding&took her boy, But he was my boy first, a year before her. But I had the upper hand right?
Those are the rules of love. Well love doesn't really have rules. It has two or more people&hearts&gut feelings&lots of hoping&wishing. But thats why it's so special you never know. You never know if that was your last first kiss. Imagine the person you are with right now could be the person you will be with for the rest of your life.
It scares me. Alot of things do. I think too much, I trust too much& I love too little. But that's just me. I have only loved one boy with my whole heart more than I could have ever imagined, that was Bryan. And even though he doesn't have my whole heart right now I am willing to give it to him the second he says he is ready to catch me.
The second he is willing to give up let go and tell me he wants me more than anything else in the world&that he would do anything for me even if he had move away from his friends. I would trust him&fall back into his arms and I wouldn't fear loving him to my full extent&giving him everything I have to give. I want that. I want him. Or I want someone that doesn't remind me of him at all someone to take me away from all of this and make me move far away so I can forget, so I can live happily ever after& I will give this boy everything I have to give I will love him so much, trust him with every fiber in my body, and will stay and hold his hand for as long as I need to.
I want the love like in the movies, I want that happy ending.
1. I didn't get the job I wanted.
2. I found the college of my dreams, but it's not in Rhode Island it's another hour away ironically next to the place where Bryan&I first met.
3. I miss Bryan.
4. Jeff wants to go to the same school as I do. Completly coincidental.
5. Number four is going to be awkward in the next year.
6. I still havn't gotten an appointment for my license.
7. It doesn't feel like summer.
8. I havn't finished reading my book for school.
9. School starts in two weeks.
10. I am scared of failure.
11. I am scared of falling in love.
12. My best friends birthday is coming up&I don't know what to get her.
13. I still need to go school shopping.
14. I need to call Steve Panagiotakos to write me a recomendation for the school I wanna go to.
15. I don't think there are enough hours in the day.
Basically it's been the same old stuff. I went school shopping yesturday. I love back to school I love it even more this year I think because i am going to be a senior, Class 2007 <3.
Well I only have fourteen days left of summer then starts the graduation countdown&me hating all 5000+ students in Lowell High School Specifically the 1500+ freshman intake this year.
Well I was supposed to go to the beach today but it's not the warmest day ever. So instead I am going to Courtney's house. Woo!
I am going to brush my teeth <3 Amanda.
"You don't know who your real friends are untill hard times come up". I heard that somewhere&I never gave it much thought untill about two nights ago.
I went to the mall with three of my "best friends". Shawna, Chelsea&Jeff. To make a long story short I will list the sequence of events::
I was carrying a few bags&Shawna offered to carry my purse I let her.
Shawna was shop lifting using my purse&was caught, the store clerk check Mine, Jeff's&Chelsea's bags we had nothing&she told us to leave.
Bewildered we left&I started to get scared.
Shawna used my name&ID when the police asked her.
The trio (me, Jeff&Chelsea) got accused by Shawna when we didn't do a thing.
Now us three may be in trouble for nothing but being stupid.
I havn't slept in two days, I am sick to my stomach&stressed beyond belief. I once described myslef as too trusting I don't think that applies any more.
<3 betrayed, sick&tired
I havn't heard anything yet which could be good or bad. I havn't slept in at all maybe like 10 minutes at the most but everytime I fall asleep I have a dream about being in jail.
I am still sick to me stomach, my head is pounding I feel like there is a drum corps in my head, I havn't eaten because I can't keep anything down.
This isn't fair.
Chelsea wasn't home so she didn't get the call.
I am expecting one today.
My tummy is in knots.
I am so glad too. School starts next week I am kinda excited about that. I am such a loser&I love school.
But latly I feel like I need someone to talk to who can relate to me. I don't know my friends are great but they just don't listen or respond like I would want.
The only person I could ever really talk to died last year. But I guess that kinda stuff happens. I just need that person who I can see online&a huge smile will come across my face&we will talk for hours about any&everything. Or someone I can call up and talk to.
I think sometimes I am too demanding. But I am sick of having all kinds of secrets. The only person who knew everything about me is gone.
And whoever reads this blog know more about me than any of my friends. Is that bad? Probably.
I am not perfect nor was I ever.
I am bossy, rude&nieve.
I am not good at math at all
Sometimes I give into temptation
Today is one of those days I looked into the mirror&didn't like the way I looked at all.
I am negative sometimes.
I am very moody in the morning
I am always to scared of what people think of me.
I wish I were smarter
I am too hard on myself.
I like to have things my way, but I like when people challenge me.
I want someone to not give me everything I want.
I am a spoiled brat.
But then agian I'm not.
I need other people.
I have a scar on my leg I wish that was gone.
I have some scars on my hearts that I wish were gone too.
Well my cousin is a freshman this year and my aunt put the weight on my sholders to make sure she gets into the right crowed and to get her to do a sport, I get $25 for one season, $50 for two seasons&$100 for three seasons. So today she is coming to my house&I told her to bring sneakers which she is and I am bringing her to crew only she doesn't know she is going to crew because is I told her she was then she wouldn't go I told her we are going somewhere very special [=
Crew is very special. I think she will like it and I think she will make friends.
Well I am also feeling alot better than I have the past two weeks. I've done alot of praying and been using rosary beads alott. They work so well when you just don't know what to say.