I lost my grandmother a few days ago, and now one of my friends from highschool died in an accident.
Wow. Rest in peace.
I havn't slept in two days. I don't know if it's the lack of sleep or the ware and tear of my frayed heart but I simply cannot deal with your bullshit anymore.
I don't want to hear that I am ugly, or stupid, or whore, or bitch or any other insult come out of your mouth towards me agian.
Death, finals, and drama fill my air and I am looking for an escape route. There in the form of a knight.
Gleaming silver and bright, something I have always looked for, let me be me and nothing more, nothing less.
Sleep is no longer necessary really it's 8:38 am on a Friday and I havn't slept since about Saturday night.
Breakfast wasn't as good as I wanted it to be and you aren't the person I thought you were. I don't care is you are mad at me.
Just know that I do care and I am not giving up on you yet. Even though you refuse to believe me.
Stop playing with my mind. I am not here for your amusment and I am not here for you to use me.
You say that's not why you are here, you say you really do care. But honestly I think it's time for you to grow up. Stop being someone you're not because I can't handle it anymore.
Giving up never looked so good.
Now it's back to the river walking girl lifestyle I left in lowell to pursue the hopeful, and joyfilled life style I would find in Henniker New Hampshie.
I was let down and now I believe not so much. My expectations were too high and now I am kissing boys because i am drunk on Jack Daniels and I don't feel a bit of remorse because I am making them fall for me like you made me fall for you.
I know it's wrong, don't judge me please. I am hurting and I was drunk. I am confused.
I left my 12 by 8 foot dorm in exchange for city lights and christmas hyped air. I don't need you to hold my hand I am on my own two feet now, alone away from you and I am completly happy.
For the first time in my whole life I am on my own and i am okay with that. Just tell me how you feel.
I am not sure what it was that I saw in you that I couldn't let go.
Go ahead and smoke yourself stupid because now it doesn't bother me anymore you are the one turning into the person you didn't want to be and I am the one moving away from the person I don't want to be.
I am not weak and I do not need you. That is what I got out of this. You are a fake. Feed me made up lies about what people say about me just to keep me at bay. Waiting for you ever so patient.
Well I found someone recently who thinks about others and thinks about me. Not about what I am doing but about who I am, and that feels good.
I am not saying I am going for this, but i am saying I have options and that was something I needed to know. You're not my only choice. I am not ready to let go but I think i have to because you're not the person you used to be.
Here is the beginning of what could be my final goodbye to a beautiful boy I once knew, what seemed like so long ago.
Cross wired signals.
"You know I love you"
"What did you say?"
"Umm... you know I like you"
"Oh, I thought you said something else"
"Do you want to cuddle or not?"
"Yeah just lay down"
Kissing takes the place of where words should be. Did you really say love? Because now I am not too sure if that's what I heard or if that's what you said.
But now I kinda wish I didn't interrupt because I think I sounded to harsh, but that's what alcohol does to me.
Play me like a fool, use your powers to make me dance.
See if I let you do it anymore. You're an aweful person. Love is a mistake. You lead an aweful life. Take me and break me.
What did you say to me two nights ago? I don't want to get hurt over break, yeah well neither did I.
I hope she was good in bed, she used to be my best friend, and you use to be someone who cared.
And I used to cry but not anymore.
This is a letter that I want to send to this really great guy.
I know we just met not too long ago but I want you to know that I think you're an amazing person. I get so happy when I talk to you or about you. I just want to spend time with you because we are so alike. I feel like I've been your friend for so long and everything just feels so right.
I don't know why I feel like this towards you because you are in no way my type at all but that seems okay because you accept me for who I am and there aren't alot of people who do that.
When we talk I feel like time is standing still but then when I look at the clock I realize that it has been hours and we've been stuck on the same topic the whole time and that doesn't bother me because I find it so easy to talk to you.
I find myself thinking about you all the time. I wanna hang out with you and talk with you and cuddle with you, and I think when we see each other I might even want to kiss you. You drive me throughout the day and you lead me on in the slightest way.
You're a virgin and I like that, you're older but I like that too. You're so amazingly attractive and I can't stop looking at you. I just want to ask you out on a date but I am way to scared to. I feel like you would think that I am a creep but I don't want to risk that. You're not like any other guy I have ever met in my life.
I can't read you as easily as I would like to but I think that maybe there might be a little chemistry.
I hate boys so much.
How can you say sorry to me when you slept with my best friend.
So what if I am showing intrest in another boy, atleast I didn't fuck him.
You said you were only thinking about me when you were with her? Then why did you still do that? It's wrong, your whole perception is wrong, me even having feelings for you is wrong.
I am fucked up, and you are fucked. You didn't think I would find out at first, well you were wrong.
I really hope you were thinking of me the whole time you were with her&I hope you think of me whenever you are with someone.
my head is spinning, partly because i am drunk and partly because my heart is torn in two.
there is this boy who i was with for a few months now and he is basically a long spiral to nothing. emptiness. nothing. the body not the one i am meant for. i felt this deep inside. it's just something i didn't want to face until he slept with my best friend.
then i met this kid recently who laughs for me when i make witty remarks, particularly for him, i think maybe it's the falling i love¬ and not exactly love I am falling in, just the feeling, the warmth of connection, like the gentle firm pull of small magnets.
i know what needs to be done i need to leave the first boy but i am scared to be alone. and i don't know how the second boy feels he is so mysterious and i love that.