I won't give in to my love of attention. I won't think I am falling in love with this kid I know only through Myspace.
Someone completly different than my Abercrombie&American Eagle persona. WIth tattoos& peircings, but still one of the cutest boys I have ever met. The most beautiful brown eyes that can just look through you like he could read my mind.
I will admit I am intimidated. I make it clear I have a boyfriend. He accepts that. But we just click.
We hang out a second time and there was more touching. Innocent touching to add. I liked it.
He left me wanting more. I think the same for him.
Just one day later he visited my at me house. I felt like something was wrong, like he couldn't look at me.
What did I do to make this beautiful boy for full of wonder and excitment run away from me?
Now he doesn't return my calls I sound desperate when I call him. I need to see him. I guess in a way I am desperate. But really is that so bad? I think I might go as far as to say I have a little school girl crush on him.
He doesn't tell me "I'm hot" He tells me I'm gorgeous. I like that better than what most guys say. He says I am intelligent and a great person. He makes me feel free. We go to Funworld sometimes, I love it. Even if we are just sitting in a parking lot in his car I am the happiest I will be all day.
But now I am afraid that's gone. I hope it's not gone I wish he would talk to me I want him to read this. But then I will be giving in and giving up.
But sometimes that's all someone can do is give up, surrender sometimes it's for the best.
I showed the mysterious boy what I wrote about him.
He kissed me.
College applications take forever, and ever.
I am gonnah die.
Envy one of the seven deadly sins. Everyone envys someone or something. Even if you don't admit it you are not only guilty of envy but you're a liar. Agian another sin.
Well I envy not a particular person but people. I envy people that are always ready. People that don't fail to always mand on their two feet. I am sure you all know or know of someone just like that. And I am also sure that from time to time you hate them for it.
Well I am always trying to prepare for my future but I don't feel like I am ready for it. I don't think that I am ready to move on and away. I am still dependant, how am I supposed to live on my own with nobody there? Mearly at the age of 18. Sure I would be considered and adult but really who acts like an adult at that age?
Hmph there will always be those people who are ready though, ready for anything and everything. Even if they aren't ready they make it seem like they are. God I hate those people.
Why wouldn't I, he said he did. And I believed him.
Of corse I would, I'm a stupid girl. I've always been a stupid girl.
He let me feel beautiful for once in my life! I'm not beautiful. I am ugly and plain.
I guess girls like me aren't supposed to be loved.
IwantJeffback. <3 He was the one that always made me happy.
I will see him today we need to talk.
Jeff and I saw each other yesturday, we were okay.
Untill I we got into a fight. It was my fault. Like always I hate myself, sometimes I should just learn to keep my mouth shut.
I'm a horrible person this week.
Today was better. I woke up, went online for a bit, talked to Jeff in a civilized manor. It was good. Ended that conversation, made an appointment to cut my hair, one for senior pictures and I am getting my license in about two weeks.
Go me. I am recovering. Or maybe bouncing back, either way it feels good. I didn't cry, I think that's because I drank myself to sleep last night.
I don't remember the last time I needed alcohol. Well I never really need it. It's just my mood.
Whatever. Tomorrow Road Lessons&Courtney's
Friday- Road Lesson's&Chelsea's
Saturday- Folk festival, I've been waiting all year <3
Monday- Road Lesson&Appointment for License
Tuesday- Hair appointment
Wednesday- Job interview for Barnes&Nobles <3 Dreammm Job!
Thursday-Sunday White Mountains.
I am going to be a very busy girl. Which is good it will keep my mind off certian people.
I miss Bryan.
I'm out like a fat girl in dodgeball
Well mysterious boy who used me (read past entry) I havn't spoken to him in about two weeks he won't return phone calls or messages so I decided I will just give up, let go, &forget.
Jeff- Well, what can I say I love him; I hate him. He took me out to dinner last night&gave me flowers, yellow roses. Yellow roses mean just friends. I wanted to cry, but I didn't it was a nice jesture. I hope we can work things out.
Bryan- Oh Bryan I've loved him since I was fourteen years old. And him the same. He lives like 100 miles away a 2 hour drive, and I can't live without him. I even randoomly went to visit him one day after school (past entry). I just can't get over this kid, but it won't work out or so he says.
Sometimes I wish things could be less complicated, but I guess that's why I have friends. Today is the first day of my ultra busy week. Joy.
I have to Baby sit in about an hour, untill five, then I have to hurry home and get ready for my driving lesson from 6-8. Yuck. I am not really looking forward to it but I need to get my license.
I wish I could just driveon a permit forever, my parents let me drive alone (:
Hmm well I will most likly update this bad larry later.
Over&out cub scout
It was small but fun.
I had fun! I met people too [=
It was a good night.
I am so glad you are back in my life. <3
Well Good evening fellow blog buddies, I've been a very busy girl finished driving lessons today, and that means LICENSE! <3
Can't waittt. I am cutting my beautiful brown locks tomorrow, & I have a Job interview Wednesday.
Then I am gone camping in the white mountains Thursday - Sunday. <3
Things are getting amazingly better. Loving life this week [=
Out like a fat girl in dodge ball
Happy birthday Bryan <3