Tonight I can't sleep, and it's not the hot sticky New England summer air that is keeping me up.
It's all the words you have ever said to me. I am not hanging on every word, I am just hanging on to their meanings.
I am overanalyzing and over thinking because it's what I do best.
I found myself today standing on the balcony over a wishing well with all the coins I could possibly find.
I threw my last one in and then I realized I was wishing for the wrong thing.
No matter what I do you're always on my mind, no matter how much you change or how unattractive you get.
The boy in my bed isn't you. It doesn't matter who it is that is burying their face in my hair and playing with the rings on my fingers it's still you I think about.
It's the meaning of it all. That is what gets me because you always seemed to be more into it than I ever was, it's funny how things work out this way.
I am going to toss and turn in my bed most likely by myself and you are going from girl to girl trying to forget about me.
Flow through me, light brown, sweet, warm liquid.
First sip: Man up it won't kill you... I closed my eyes smelled my bitter-sweet enemy. Put the bottle to my lips, one sip down. Shuddering, and convulsing almost. Nothing as bad as lost love. The warmth takes over my body and I am starting to feel happy.
I am taking a walk through the streets of Lowell. The night is cool and I have goosebumps, I don't want to get too cold.
Second Sip: The second is never as bad as the first. I knew what to expect and didn't care. Down the hatch. Forgetting the cold, and enjoying the cool air.
Heritage Dr. the houses are a lot bigger here, homes to dentists and doctors. Probably mine. Everyone dreams of that life, the big house in the quiet neighborhood. But there is a house wife or a stressed out lawyer doing the same thing as I am. Trying to forget their problems. Because life isn't as good as it all seems.
The Merrimack River runs high this time of year, rushing over rocks and the little islands. It rose one day after a few storms. Taking away the homes of whatever lived on those islands. So in the memory of their pain and suffering I take a sip.
Third: Doesn't even phase me. Slides smoothly down my throat, the sips getting bigger than the one before, and now I am forgetting your face.
Fourth: I take another right after that without even a pause, and I am forgetting your name with every swig.
I walked back home because I can't drive. I go into my house and take every picture I could find of you, everything you ever gave me and I put it all in a garbage bag.
I finish off the pint and I put that in there too with a note to myself.
I go out to the back yard and I dig a hole and I bury it down there. Maybe this will help.
I've come to terms with the fact people change, and sometimes it's for the better and sometimes it sucks, but one thing is inevitable and that is love.
You will always love, whether it's yourself, your friends, your dog, flowers, or another person. There will always be love in your life you just have to realize it when it's there.
I find it funny how a guy can play two girls that have never met against each other and expect them not to find out.
What is funnier is when the two girls meet to have coffee downtown and realize that their friendship has a better chance of flourishing than the relationship each started with the boy.
One word: Karma.
Why is it that I want him so much and he doesn't even give me the time of day?
Why does it hurt so much?
We live fast. Going from one party to another, days without sleep. We take our Zoloft with vodka, but we don't talk about our feelings.
Shopping on Newbury St, clothes we pretend to afford. Sky high heels, pearls, and a sleek black dress. Don't forget the wine and we're out the door.
Look but don't touch, we change our names, Amanda is now Mandie, Johanna is now Jonie, Antonia is now Torie.
Smile big, bat your eyelashes let them think they can have you.
This isn't a life I lived a year ago, it was a life I thought I wanted.
Jeff keeps playing with my head. He knows I love him more than anything, but he tells me he doesn't know what's going to happen, he keeps telling me he still loves me but doesn't think it will work right now.
We were perfect for three years. That's a really long time. I've built my life entirely around him, we never ever fought not even when we broke up. How did this happen?
Where does love go? How can you love someone so much and they don't want anything to do with you? I can't keep him off my mind. When I wake up he is the first person I think of, when I go to bed I end up crying because he isn't laying next to me. I want him to want me. I don't want to be lonely anymore.
that thing again where I think entirely too much and all my thoughts get jumbled and lost... bad ideas are starting to sound like good ideas even though I know they are probably bad ideas.
I am thinking about school and everything. I was thinking of taking some time off and joining the peace corps. But I don't know I am doing so well in school as it is. But I want to start over somewhere new, somewhere where I can recreate myself and meet new people.
I was also thinking about moving away on my own, getting a full time job saving up some money for a year and then heading back to school... I feel like that would be a good idea. I want a different school because I am bored with the life I have now, I am sick of who I am.
I want to move somewhere new, totally different from where I am now. I want to move to the midwest where there is no beach or mountains.
Where I will sound exotic because of my thick Boston accent and people will wonder where this girl came from. I want my own apartment with roomies I have never met before in my life.
I want to be a mystery. I want to move somewhere weird, like Wisconsin, Minnesota, Washington, or Kansas. Somewhere people wouldn't normally want to be.
I just want somewhere besides here where I can be me. I know I am going to think more about this and I am going to realize that it is a bad idea because to be quite frank I don't have enough gall to go out and start new.