I just don't even know what to say. I don't know where to begin. I've made mistakes and their solutions are much easier said than done. I thought we were done but then I realized I can't live without you Jeff, and now I have this other boy who is in love with me and I don't love him back... but I don't want to break his heart because he is the fragile type.
I am not really fond of those kinds of boys but I couldn't help it. I just want to run away to the mountains... you know that movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind? Yeah well I want to do that.
I want to erase everything and everyone from my memory and I want to move to the mountains of Colorado or the beaches of somewhere small and tropical and start everything over.
I think Jack Kerouac said it the best: "I like too many things and I get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another until I drop."
Do you know what it's like to lose a part of your life? Unwillingly at that. When you've fought so hard... just to get it all ripped away.
Now I am drinking away my problems with a friend who I havn't talked to since sophomore year and we are sitting on the train tracks over the river.
Watching the water run beneath us it's not moving fast but it's moving.. the same with my life lately.
I lost him... I hope not forever. We were meant to be. He was the one. He still loves me "More than a friend but not as much as I used to".
It's all my fault, I let him go the first time.
I've cried for over twenty four hours straight my eyes are swollen and I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to cry or think about him either.
It shouldn't be this hard ever. I want to go back in time I love him so much. I get so frustrated.
Okay so I am drunk and this is why I am telling you all this but I don't think anyone knows what it's like to be me lately. Nothing in my life is what I thought it was.
Everything is falling apart and I can't put it back together. I am trying so hard. I just need a little help.
While we were sitting on that bridge we were talking while drinking down beer and sipping cheap vodka, you know the kind you buy for about ten dollars and you just mix it with gatorade like it's high school all over again.
We were just sitting there on the tracks taking rocks and seeing how far we could throw them... not as far as our softball days. We were talking about life, boys, school, and the past. And then we both got really quiet not an awkward quiet but a peaceful quiet. And then I found myself thinking how I wouldn't really mind all that much if a train came right now... I would do one of two things.
I would either sit there with my head down and drink my bud light or I would step aside and jump on it and go where ever it takes me. Far away hopefully.
I would love to disappear for a while and show up a whole new person, learning from different experiences. I want to work on a farm and fall in love with someone random just to leave a few days later. I want to kiss a boy from every state, and meet a cute stranger in the train station and have him buy me dinner... I want to make someone fall in love with me and ruin them the way you did me. Ruin them for anyone else so that they can never love fully again, you stole my heart and not in the cute sense of the phrase.
But you stole apart of me and I want it back.
I wish I could fast forward time to see what will happen at the end of the summer, I hate waiting for endings.
More than that I hate thunder and lightening.
They go together like we once did. Will you please put the thunder back into my life?
I simply can't take this anymore.
I love you more than you could even imagine lets make this perfect again.