|I've made mistakes in mu life. I've let people take advantage of me and I accept way less than I deserve. But I've learned from my bad choices and even though there are something I can never get back and people who will never be sorry, I'll know better next time and I won't settle for anything less than I deserve.|
I don't like when you touch me. Or look at me for that matter. Don't even come near me. I want to hate you so bad. My body is shaking and I blame it on the cold. Thank goodness it's raining outside.
The rain is pounding down on the two of us. You don't even know what it's like to love you have never felt what I feel.
This anger, this sadness. I know you don't stay up at night wondering how all this happened. You asked me if I cried. I said no. And that's not a complete lie. I love how you have the audacity to confront me about breaking your heart.
You're not mad at me for breaking your heart, you're embarrassed that I left you. And I know you aren't going to tell your friends or the other brothers why because you are too embarrassed.
I would say I am sorry but I know I wouldn't mean it. Unlike you I mean everything I say, I wouldn't say something if it wasn't true.
Unlike you I really cared about you.
Unlike you I wasn't thinking about myself.
And unlike you I am going to walk away a mature adult.
When I see you on campus I will say Hi, and at our mixers I will be polite, but don't take that as anything more than me just being a mature person because honestly I don't ever want to see you again.
You know that feeling you get when you lose something that is really important to you...
You start thinking really fast, almost too fast. The thoughts get tangled up in your head and your brain doesn't know what to do or how to sort them.
Then your heart starts pumping like a million miles a second you can feel it in your chest. It feels like it is going to break through your ribs at any moment.
Your blood starts pumping. Pulsing through your veins and you can hear it in your head... lub dub lub dub... that's all you can hear now because your brain stopped trying to sort your thoughts.
Your face starts heating up, cheeks turn bright red and they get really warm, almost like you have a fever.
Shaking you rip apart everything you own. Hands, legs, everything just shaking, things are flying everywhere and you don't even care now.
If it's important enough you feel sick. Nausea takes you over you just don't want to stand.
Short breaths, you can't find it you give up for a little bit to lay down because your body can't keep up like this very long.
Laying down you get a knot in your stomach and chest. Worst feeling ever it's like your body is trying to make up for what you're missing but the pieces just aren't fitting together.
Nothing can be as good as what you lost.
So today it ended. One year down and four to go. I miss you more than you will ever know.
So many people have left ends loose. I want to believe it's not the end and that things will be better but it's summer time. I just need to put up my feet, kick back, relax, and let whatever happens, happens.
Being late is never a good thing.
5 minutes, an hour, a day, two weeks...
You think, and think, overanalyze a little and think about everything.
Prayers, wishes, hopes, and tears.
Just swallow your pride.
Everything is alright for a few moments.
What can be the problem?
I don't know what it is anymore.
Jeff and I have been broken up since Septemberish... it was my fault.
I have regretted it for a while. But we were like in one of those "It's complicated" type of relationships.
It seems when one person is ready for a relationship the other isn't.
It's funny how things work out like that.
Today we were at his house just hanging out and we started talking about us. What is going to happen why is it weird? Can we fix it?
His idea was to break up for good and see if we can fix it that way but I told him the truth, if you break this up for good I won't be able to talk to you for a while. I mean a while. He didn't like that idea.
He said "I love you, I want this to be better, and I need you in my life but I am not ready for this relationship to be real again because we both have to figure ourselves out".
I cried, a lot. He did too. We realized breaking up wouldn't fix us. We had to let down our walls. What happened to us over this past year. We spent three years happily together. We never even fought.
We were perfect. I still think we can be.