So, Here it is.

My signed confession. My red handed apprehension. My size seven footprint at the crime scene.

I am actually starting to enjoy my job, I enjoy going to work in the morning. I enjoy eating my lunch, and walking my meager walks. I enjoy that thrill of when four thirty hits, and it’s almost time to go home. I love little things, like the library calling to let me know my holds are in. I like cooking silly foods, and doing bare necessity laundry, and showering after a long busy, hectic day. I like little things, like calls from friends, and texts from loved ones, and a long hug after a frustrating moment.

Is this me accepting the fact that an adult life is filled with the mundane, and hardship? That yes, indeed, it is possible to find satisfaction within a repetitive and controlled routine?

All I need these days to be living the dream is a place of my own, so I can live my boring yet somehow fulfilling life as a anti-socialite.

That’s all I want.
Minimal school, no more family, and just…

So. Another week gone by, another Friday almost done. This weekend I shall grace the Calgary Zoo with my presence.

I'm hyped.

Twenty, and never been to the Calgary zoo.

Terrible thoughts. I love him so stupidly much, but...

I want things.
Things I can't have, in the here and now, with him...
Like travel,
like move out quickly,
like rely on when he'll be done work.

It seems so selfish, to take something so perfect, and question it based on my own petty selfish needs.

I wish I were lonesomely wandering the world, shacked up in a shanty in some obscure part of the globe, far from the mundaneness of the digital world of the west.

I hate this valuation system that us westerners have, who's to say that a writer is less important than an accountant, and a teacher makes less than an electrician?

I want common sense, and to be taken seriously as a human being... to escape these false hopes and dreams and aspirations, that in all actuality only belong to my parents, my grandparents, my tormentors...

I want to have my perfect world, without the pain of building it myself.
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I watch the clock, tick away the day...

And that is my day.
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I miss my best friend, and I miss my ability to sleep until ten, and the ability to do things during the day.

I like the pay check, but I still live at home so, how well am I truely doing?
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On the inside I am miserable.
I love Spencer, and miss Nellus, and I loathe my family.

WHen will this all change?
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And wonder why it is in my room, with me,
Naked on a computer chair,
Crossed legged,
Ashamed.

Hiding from a job that I loathe,
That has ruined my weekend,
That has me scared.

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My family is gone to Jasper for the weekend, the brother has a hockey tournament.
Yesterday night I got the nastiest, and degrading message left by the one ally I thought I had left at work.
It has left me crumbled, and shattered.

I am too scared of what people think.

So as I sit here cold, contemplating...
I feel so immature.

I am actually hiding from her. Just like with the last position I had...
It is so demeaning.


Save me from myself.
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I don't want to look forward to the mundane anymore. I am tired of looking forward to starting my new job, which will only be good for a week or two and then it will be subject to the same shittiness that all of my jobs end with.

I want to look forward to shiny new purchases, like Spencer's new truck, and fancy new adventures like Nell's summer long Europe trip.

Instead all I look forward to is...
"Hello Premier Vanlines, Andrea speaking, How may I help you?"

I want something new.
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