 ...she's / hardly / what / she / seems / <3 |
| Fucked. |
May 16th, 2008 7:05:00 am - Subscribe |
| Jeff and I have been broken up since Septemberish... it was my fault. I have regretted it for a while. But we were like in one of those "It's complicated" type of relationships. It seems when one person is ready for a relationship the other isn't. It's funny how things work out like that. Today we were at his house just hanging out and we started talking about us. What is going to happen why is it weird? Can we fix it? His idea was to break up for good and see if we can fix it that way but I told him the truth, if you break this up for good I won't be able to talk to you for a while. I mean a while. He didn't like that idea. He said "I love you, I want this to be better, and I need you in my life but I am not ready for this relationship to be real again because we both have to figure ourselves out". I agree. I cried, a lot. He did too. We realized breaking up wouldn't fix us. We had to let down our walls. What happened to us over this past year. We spent three years happily together. We never even fought. We were perfect. I still think we can be. |
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| mood: regretful |
(0) comments |
| I don't know what it is. |
May 14th, 2008 7:42:48 am - Subscribe |
| Being late is never a good thing. 5 minutes, an hour, a day, two weeks... You think, and think, overanalyze a little and think about everything. Prayers, wishes, hopes, and tears. Just swallow your pride. Test yourself. Everything is alright for a few moments. What can be the problem? I don't know what it is anymore. |
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| mood: conflicted On the speakers:: Jimmy Eat World |
(0) comments |
| Let it happen. |
May 9th, 2008 5:02:21 am - Subscribe |
| So today it ended. One year down and four to go. I miss you more than you will ever know. So many people have left ends loose. I want to believe it's not the end and that things will be better but it's summer time. I just need to put up my feet, kick back, relax, and let whatever happens, happens. |
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| mood: carefree |
(0) comments |
| What have I lost... |
May 6th, 2008 3:48:53 am - Subscribe |
| You know that feeling you get when you lose something that is really important to you... You start thinking really fast, almost too fast. The thoughts get tangled up in your head and your brain doesn't know what to do or how to sort them. Then your heart starts pumping like a million miles a second you can feel it in your chest. It feels like it is going to break through your ribs at any moment. Your blood starts pumping. Pulsing through your veins and you can hear it in your head... lub dub lub dub... that's all you can hear now because your brain stopped trying to sort your thoughts. Your face starts heating up, cheeks turn bright red and they get really warm, almost like you have a fever. Shaking you rip apart everything you own. Hands, legs, everything just shaking, things are flying everywhere and you don't even care now. If it's important enough you feel sick. Nausea takes you over you just don't want to stand. Short breaths, you can't find it you give up for a little bit to lay down because your body can't keep up like this very long. Laying down you get a knot in your stomach and chest. Worst feeling ever it's like your body is trying to make up for what you're missing but the pieces just aren't fitting together. Nothing can be as good as what you lost. |
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| mood: sullen On the speakers:: Matchbox 20 |
(1) comments |
| I don't think it's unjust. |
May 4th, 2008 1:34:41 am - Subscribe |
| I don't like when you touch me. Or look at me for that matter. Don't even come near me. I want to hate you so bad. My body is shaking and I blame it on the cold. Thank goodness it's raining outside. The rain is pounding down on the two of us. You don't even know what it's like to love you have never felt what I feel. This anger, this sadness. I know you don't stay up at night wondering how all this happened. You asked me if I cried. I said no. And that's not a complete lie. I love how you have the audacity to confront me about breaking your heart. You're not mad at me for breaking your heart, you're embarrassed that I left you. And I know you aren't going to tell your friends or the other brothers why because you are too embarrassed. I would say I am sorry but I know I wouldn't mean it. Unlike you I mean everything I say, I wouldn't say something if it wasn't true. Unlike you I really cared about you. Unlike you I wasn't thinking about myself. And unlike you I am going to walk away a mature adult. When I see you on campus I will say Hi, and at our mixers I will be polite, but don't take that as anything more than me just being a mature person because honestly I don't ever want to see you again. |
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| mood: sniffly |
(0) comments |
| Just won't settle. |
May 4th, 2008 1:22:54 am - Subscribe |
| I've made mistakes in mu life. I've let people take advantage of me and I accept way less than I deserve. But I've learned from my bad choices and even though there are something I can never get back and people who will never be sorry, I'll know better next time and I won't settle for anything less than I deserve. | |
| mood: aggressive |
(0) comments |
| It's still cheating. |
Apr 29th, 2008 4:21:52 pm - Subscribe |
| Less than two weeks now and the drama doesn't stop. I am such an idiot for trusting you. I knew I would get fucked over. It was too perfect to be true. I don't care if only three people know about what happened it doesn't fix anything. I am not going to save you now. |
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| mood: stupid On the speakers:: Butch Walker. |
(1) comments |
| The spring and what it does. |
Apr 18th, 2008 1:45:46 pm - Subscribe |
| Now a days it's so easy just to get back into the summer living mentality. It's so easy to get lost in the sunlight here, letting it engulf you, hiding you... blocking you from everything else. This is the spring and what it does to you. It makes everything else seem almost not worth the stress because when you step outside it's the most beautiful feeling you've ever experienced. Step out of these dorms and into the warm spring air, take a minute look around and put your sunglasses on, then take a deep breath for this is the freshest air you have ever tasted. Let it sink in. Then let it out. Now I am ready to live. This makes life worth living. It is la dolce vita. |
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| mood: radiant |
(0) comments |
| Almost over. |
Apr 16th, 2008 6:09:46 pm - Subscribe |
| All the snow finally melted in this little mountain valley. Flowers are starting to bloom, and everyone has spring fever. Love is in the air. The school year is coming to an end and it is almost a bitter-sweet thing. I am still trying to work to get my life in order to find out who I really am. I came in with good intentions. But at this school nobody leaves untouched. I'm getting older, and I am learning as I go. Things aren't always what they seem. |
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| mood: worn |
(0) comments |
| Not what it seems. |
Apr 11th, 2008 6:24:14 pm - Subscribe |
| The parties don't stop. The weekend starts on Thursday and goes right into Monday morning. I can't stop. Do my makeup, then my hair, give me my heels and I'm out the door. Alcohol in one hand and my girlfriends on my other side. La dolce vita. But it's not what it seems. These friends, well they're fake. Along with the smile I put on the only solid thing I have right now is the vodka that assures me a drunken night. Not even my boyfriend is solid. People can't see through walls. President of my sorority, dean's list, the "fabulous four" as me and my friends are known, my "perfect" boyfriend. La dolce vita... right? |
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| mood: sour |
(0) comments |
| I can't help it. |
Apr 9th, 2008 10:10:00 pm - Subscribe |
| I love the attention. I love the feeling. I love the gossip. I love the different lives. I love the game. I hate my life. I just keep coming back for more. |
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| mood: trapped |
(1) comments |
| Pieces. |
Mar 26th, 2008 12:32:46 am - Subscribe |
| My life is such a mess. | |
| mood: reserved |
(0) comments |
| When is it too much |
Feb 18th, 2008 4:03:57 pm - Subscribe |
| How do you know when it is all too much? Is it when you reach the point and you don't think you can go on anymore, when you're crying and crawling to what you want most in life, or is it when you simply can't go anymore. When you are half dead laying face down, hands are scarred and bleeding, just simply tired and now knowing that you can't do what you set out to. Knowing that you aren't good enough, or strong enough to attain what you want. I feel like my body is falling apart now, I am cold, and weak, always tired and just ready to give up, my mind left a long time ago. I don't know what I want anymore and my heart is beating not sure what it wants anymore. I don't think it wants anything. I feel like it is impossible for me to be completly happy. |
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| mood: deprived |
(0) comments |
| On leaving. |
Feb 15th, 2008 6:54:57 pm - Subscribe |
| This is to the rush, the feelings like I am going with hurricane force winds but they are warm and welcoming and I just float along with them up the coast into your arms. Take me in your whirlwind and make it impossible to leave. Let your waves crash down on me, drown me, crush me, let me come up for air, and twirl me around. Mix me up, turn me inside out. Love me, take care of me. Hold me, support me. Don't leave... not yet. |
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| mood: concerned On the speakers:: Snow Patrol |
(0) comments |
| February 14th. |
Feb 15th, 2008 4:32:50 am - Subscribe |
| Happy Valentines Day. Even if you don't have a lover spend it doing something you love. |
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| mood: humbled |
(0) comments |
| Selfish. |
Feb 9th, 2008 12:04:27 am - Subscribe |
| Well I am a selfish person and that is no secret. I wish I could make up my mind sometimes. I think that is my problem... I am so selfish because I never know what I want. I hate hurting people. |
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| mood: pouty On the speakers:: The Academy Is... |
(2) comments |
| My confusion. |
Feb 3rd, 2008 12:51:11 am - Subscribe |
| For me the grass is always greener on the otherside. But when I get it, I decide that I don't want the greener grass I want my treded on, not so green grass back... that way I can lay in my comfort zone under the tree and just watch the days, months and years go by like I have for the past three years. I am a curious person by nature, I always want to know what the other guy is like. I want to try everything for myself. Taking someones word for it just isn't the same thing. I just get so confused sometimes, going from one place to the other trying out different things. Letting life take me in, just to want to get out. I don't have much to offer him anymore except myself and my confusion. |
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| mood: dull |
(1) comments |
| This isn't the way it's supposed to be. |
Jan 30th, 2008 6:18:07 am - Subscribe |
| I don't know why I feel the way I do. I can't keep my mind off you even when I am with my new musician boyfriend. I loved you, I love you. Still. I can't get over it and I know you feel the same. But you said you didn't want a long distance relationship, and I know I don't either. I didn't miss you, but now I feel like I can't live without you. I can't function I can't think I don't know why. My heart aches but doesn't break because my boyfriend's love holds it together for me, and now even those strings are straining. I just don't want to see you with someone else as selfish as that sounds... I don't want to be replaced by you. Any other guy that is fine but for some reason the thought of being replaced by hurts more than when we broke our engagement off. It's hard to breathe because I am trying not to cry but I can't help it anymore. Tears are flowing and I just want my heart to stop beating. Because with you I am comfortable, but restless and curious but without I am unable to function. Don't get me wrong I am happy with my boyfriend but I miss you so much I can't handle it anymore. I don't think Maxx and i were supposed to be together I think we were just supposed to like each other and never act on it, because i think I am supposed to spend my time with you. |
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| mood: perplexed On the speakers:: Corinne Baily Rea |
(0) comments |
| Back to where I am not sure I should be. |
Jan 21st, 2008 10:54:13 pm - Subscribe |
| Less than two months ago I didn't want to be anywhere else but here, I was happy being at school, with all the people who I thought were my friends. I guess it just shows some poeple are more mature than others and the only thing I can do is to rise above it. I am so lost without the people downstairs they are soo wrapped up in each other and I am here trying to make new friends. But maybe that isn't a bad thing.. I think what I needed was to get out because I am not one that is supposed to be held back. I've always been one to go out and get what I am looking for. Now I just need to look and open my eyes. |
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| mood: withdrawn |
(0) comments |
| The perfect night and true happiness. |
Jan 18th, 2008 8:03:37 pm - Subscribe |
| This night is cold the wind chills to the bone, blowing with all it's got in our faces trying to make us think for even one second that this night is not perfect. The quiet Boston streets lay bear for us to walk down them, your arm around my waist holding me close and I feel like melting right there. Melting into you and becoming one, our silent steps falling into unison with each other getting lost amoung buildings that reach the heavens. The skies are clouded and it is lightly snowing, falling down onto us covering the quite city with a perfect covering, disguising it to become something maybe beautiful for the sake of our perfect night. We end up at the movies a movie we both wanted to see but now I can't even pay attention to it because I am only thinking of you. My head is resting on your chest and I can smell you and feel you kissing my head, holding my hand and there is nowhere else I would rather be. Your kiss is the sweetest thing that I have ever witnessed, so soft and sweet and slow. The warmth goes all through my body making me feel weak and just collapsing agianst you. I can't fight this and I won't even try because in this moment I was truly happy and I only have you to thanks for that. |
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| mood: wonderful On the speakers:: Alexisonfire |
(1) comments |