 ...she's / hardly / what / she / seems / <3 |
| Selfish. |
Feb 9th, 2008 12:04:27 am - Subscribe |
| Well I am a selfish person and that is no secret. I wish I could make up my mind sometimes. I think that is my problem... I am so selfish because I never know what I want. I hate hurting people. |
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| mood: pouty On the speakers:: The Academy Is... |
(2) comments |
| My confusion. |
Feb 3rd, 2008 12:51:11 am - Subscribe |
| For me the grass is always greener on the otherside. But when I get it, I decide that I don't want the greener grass I want my treded on, not so green grass back... that way I can lay in my comfort zone under the tree and just watch the days, months and years go by like I have for the past three years. I am a curious person by nature, I always want to know what the other guy is like. I want to try everything for myself. Taking someones word for it just isn't the same thing. I just get so confused sometimes, going from one place to the other trying out different things. Letting life take me in, just to want to get out. I don't have much to offer him anymore except myself and my confusion. |
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| mood: dull |
(1) comments |
| This isn't the way it's supposed to be. |
Jan 30th, 2008 6:18:07 am - Subscribe |
| I don't know why I feel the way I do. I can't keep my mind off you even when I am with my new musician boyfriend. I loved you, I love you. Still. I can't get over it and I know you feel the same. But you said you didn't want a long distance relationship, and I know I don't either. I didn't miss you, but now I feel like I can't live without you. I can't function I can't think I don't know why. My heart aches but doesn't break because my boyfriend's love holds it together for me, and now even those strings are straining. I just don't want to see you with someone else as selfish as that sounds... I don't want to be replaced by you. Any other guy that is fine but for some reason the thought of being replaced by hurts more than when we broke our engagement off. It's hard to breathe because I am trying not to cry but I can't help it anymore. Tears are flowing and I just want my heart to stop beating. Because with you I am comfortable, but restless and curious but without I am unable to function. Don't get me wrong I am happy with my boyfriend but I miss you so much I can't handle it anymore. I don't think Maxx and i were supposed to be together I think we were just supposed to like each other and never act on it, because i think I am supposed to spend my time with you. |
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| mood: perplexed On the speakers:: Corinne Baily Rea |
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| Back to where I am not sure I should be. |
Jan 21st, 2008 10:54:13 pm - Subscribe |
| Less than two months ago I didn't want to be anywhere else but here, I was happy being at school, with all the people who I thought were my friends. I guess it just shows some poeple are more mature than others and the only thing I can do is to rise above it. I am so lost without the people downstairs they are soo wrapped up in each other and I am here trying to make new friends. But maybe that isn't a bad thing.. I think what I needed was to get out because I am not one that is supposed to be held back. I've always been one to go out and get what I am looking for. Now I just need to look and open my eyes. |
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| mood: withdrawn |
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| The perfect night and true happiness. |
Jan 18th, 2008 8:03:37 pm - Subscribe |
| This night is cold the wind chills to the bone, blowing with all it's got in our faces trying to make us think for even one second that this night is not perfect. The quiet Boston streets lay bear for us to walk down them, your arm around my waist holding me close and I feel like melting right there. Melting into you and becoming one, our silent steps falling into unison with each other getting lost amoung buildings that reach the heavens. The skies are clouded and it is lightly snowing, falling down onto us covering the quite city with a perfect covering, disguising it to become something maybe beautiful for the sake of our perfect night. We end up at the movies a movie we both wanted to see but now I can't even pay attention to it because I am only thinking of you. My head is resting on your chest and I can smell you and feel you kissing my head, holding my hand and there is nowhere else I would rather be. Your kiss is the sweetest thing that I have ever witnessed, so soft and sweet and slow. The warmth goes all through my body making me feel weak and just collapsing agianst you. I can't fight this and I won't even try because in this moment I was truly happy and I only have you to thanks for that. |
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| mood: wonderful On the speakers:: Alexisonfire |
(1) comments |
| Feel it. |
Jan 17th, 2008 2:22:22 am - Subscribe |
| I, I, I, I, feel love fighting in. All directions are covered, the calveries won, and I've decided to surrender. There is nothing better than being in love. There is nothing that will wreck you with more utter joy than giving in, giving up, letting go, and bravely letting a boy step into the light of your eyes, and letting him know that you want him back and that you are willing to let him take care of you. |
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| mood: worn |
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| To the Musician I long for. |
Jan 12th, 2008 6:55:14 am - Subscribe |
| Tonight was the night you performed for me. It was a chance we both took inorder to find out if the flirting was real. I'm looking up at your from the floor and you're on stage doing what you do best. And I can't even focus on the words anymore because I am only watching you watching me in the crowd. Making sure that I was watching. The truth is that I couldn't keep my eyes or my hands off you. When you were down on the floor with me letting the music pulse through our bodies, holding on. Wondering if it was my heart beat or was it the drums. Lean in and just rest my head on your shoulder, pull me close. Can you feel me shaking? Toungue tied and twisted, I'm all light headed love drunk as most would call it. I am making myself look like an idiot and I know it. But that doesn't stop you from walking me to my car at the end of the night and as we hug goodbye you kissed me. At first just to see how I react and to be honest with you agian, I didn't know how to react and then you kissed me agian and I kissed you back and for that split second I was the happiest person on the face of the earth. For that split second literally took my breath away, and not in the stupid way people say. I couldn't catch my breath, I didn't want to I didn't even wanna move from that spot because that air is the sweetest air I've ever breathed in and your kiss was the most magical feeling I felt in a long time. I am glad that the feelings come from both ends of the spectrum, puts my mind at ease. <3 Goodnight. |
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| mood: There aren't even words to describe... elated/fucking excited/like I can't even breathe On the speakers:: The Spill Canvas |
(1) comments |
| Stolen. |
Jan 7th, 2008 4:32:58 am - Subscribe |
| I don't know why i am writing to be honest with you. Usually when I write something is bothering me. Well there is alot bothering me I just don't know how to put it all into words, there is this feeling of weakness I get when i think of him with someone else. I don't know why I know it's not fair. Because I like someone else too but for some reason no matter how hard I try I can't completly get over it. It's not even anger anymore, it's more like a knotted feeling like falling. I feel like I am diving off a cliff now and I know at some point I am going to have to hit the bottom and I am trying to brace myself for it, to make it softer... why can't it be softer? Why can't your lies cushion the blows anymore? I hate liars. I hate fakes, it makes everything so much harder so much harder to get over. There was a comfort I found in being lied to even though I hated every moment of it. Just the thought that maybe what you were saying could have a chance to be true, maybe I am worth it. I was? No I wasn't. My head doesn't know what to think anymore. It has just stopped full fledged I don't think anymore. All my senses have escaped me and moved on. The days keep going faster than it's predecessor. But my heart has slowed almost stopped because I feel like I am not really capable of feeling anything anymore. I've just numbed myself because the hurt I've experienced in the past is no longer worth the comfort and love it takes. I honestly can say I am scared. I am angry and I am an emotional mess. You have taken me for everything I am worth and left me ruined for everyother guy out there that is willing to take the chance and love me. You have used me up and now there is nothing left except a pretty face with a fake smile painted to a pristine look, and hair that falls just right over my face and clothes that fit a body that no longer holds the soul and spirit it used to. You are a robber desguised as a knight and i was fooled. I though I could see right through you, now I am thinking Bree wasn't all that crazy, I know that you did the same thing to her as you did to me and she is so much younger. I don't care if we ever speak agian all I want is my soul back, I want my heart, I want my love. Because I don't want to take it from anyone else. |
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| mood: insane On the speakers:: Motion City Soundtrack |
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| A letter. |
Jan 6th, 2008 8:08:15 am - Subscribe |
| Dear Musician, Sing me something. By my prince charming, my irish lover. Flirting across lines, words shared between two people that are sewn into jokes and witty remarks, I know atleast mine hold a truth that i am too scared to speak. I hope yours too. Keep it coming I am willing to handle you, I am willing to save you. "Neither of us need liars" and I couldn't agree with you more. I am not looking for a relationship right now I just got out of one. Right now I need something real something I can depend on. You said you could be someone like that I am hoping you keep to you word like you say you do. You have the rough exterior so polar opposite my clean cut "preppy" look as you call it so coy and playful. Write me a song something sweet, write me something that i can listen to over and over and learn by heart knowing that those words were written for me. Be that person, hold me like you say you want to, kiss my forehead and protect me. Because that is all I need. Just be there. With a heart full of hope and happiness since I remember, Mandy. |
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| mood: warm On the speakers:: matchbox twenty |
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| Where is it... |
Dec 31st, 2007 4:24:08 am - Subscribe |
| All things have a silver lining I am still searching for the eye cathcing gleam. | |
| mood: puzzled |
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| The yo-yo effect. |
Dec 27th, 2007 5:10:20 am - Subscribe |
| Up and down. Yes or no. You like me or you don't? I am not a childhood toy that you can play with and then throw away. So you like me alot more than you think sometimes and you are scared to get hurt. Then you like someone else? And then you go crawling back to your ex? Why? Because we are home for a month and a half and I am not there everyday to remind you of what you like about me? I told you I like some boy but I can't shake the thought of you out of my mind. While I am with him I am constantly thinking about you and how this might hurt you. Do you think of me too? You say you do, but I don't feel like I can trust you. Last night you had Matt ask me questions about my ex seeing if we were getting back together. That is in my opinion a little creepy&a little immature because I told you we weren't we havn't even seen each other since school ended, and that was the answer you got last night. I am glad you can trust me even when you cut everything down to just friends. You are a coward... Yellow belly coward. And not to mention an ass hole. |
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| mood: protective On the speakers:: North Star |
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| A present I never wanted. |
Dec 25th, 2007 5:00:58 am - Subscribe |
| Wow. Thanks for the present I never got. I knew this would happen and I thought I was ready for it. How can I get over you when every thought of everyday is coated with memories of you&what we had? There is this burning in my heart along the lines where it should be broken. They are no longer flames just small burning embers smothering under the pressure. The burn creeps up to my throat when i talk to you, and my stomach knots itself to keep the flames from going any further. The heat remains inside of me because my body goes numb and cold. I can't feel what I should be able to and I know I'm not drunk because for once since you've hurt me I am completly sober. I am glad you can so easily go back to her after what you said about her. I am pretty sure she would like to know what you said about her, but I am not going to stoop to the immaturity you've reached over these past few weeks. I've told you I have moved on and I have but there is always the thought of you in the back of my mind, I compare him to you and he is better in so many ways but I think I am just mad because I've never been left like that. I've never felt such a hurt. Boys like you don't hurt girls like me. It's not the way things are supposed to be. I've been so good for you waiting and hoping, even wishing but that doesn't seem to help and now I've realized I deserve better. Beau this whole thing was a joke after all your immature tantrums about me talking to other boys being so protective of me, I see right through you now. Was it worth it? Did you get the praise you were looking for by the guys? Do you finally fit in? I didn't want to believe that you were just using me to get to my friends, I wanted to believe that you liked me for me but I guess not. I was so blind and so stupid and now I know not to put all my eggs in one basket. |
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| mood: sullen |
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| Tis the season... |
Dec 23rd, 2007 8:03:24 am - Subscribe |
| &today I am not sure what to write about. Well we can talk about christmas I guess. It's right around the corner, but I don't feel the excitment. Like remember when you were excited to see santa and you only wanted one thing really bad for christmas and it was all about santa and the eight tiny reindeer. Somehow I lost that over the years, now it's all commercial. Unfortunatly I take part in it and I feel bad, I think constantly about the kids who don't have anything. Granted whenever I pass a bell ringer I always give them some money, even if it's the rest of the change in my pocket&I always give two toys for a charity (one for a boy and one for a girl) But honestly listening to christmas songs about being with the people you love and dancing and having a good time makes me envious of those people. Whatever I am rambling and I am not even paying attention, I am talking to the musician :] Goodnight. |
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| mood: divine |
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| I'm confused. |
Dec 21st, 2007 6:35:04 am - Subscribe |
| So tonight the boy I am afraid to ask on a date, let's call him the musician. Well the musician might have asked me on a date? I am not sure if I could consider it that though... well here is what happened. We were talking and he told me he had a show not this friday but next friday and then he said I really want you to go because after I play we can go and get something to eat, and then he further said he would be willing to pick me up to go to his show (I live 20 mins away) and he would drop me off at my house or I could stay at his if i wanted. I am really excited about this, but I am not sure if it's meant to sound the way i want it to, or if it's just me really wishing for it. I don't know time for bed, goodnight cyber friends :] |
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| mood: bizarre On the speakers:: Snow Patrol |
(2) comments |
| 2008 it came fast. |
Dec 20th, 2007 5:57:38 am - Subscribe |
| I was thinking over the last year, and I don't think I really made any mistakes this year. Nothing I regret incredibly. Well next year I wanna be able to be more straight forward a go getter. You know what I mean? I just wanna be me. I am sick of pretending. I moved to college last august and the whole time since I've been there I kinda held back my personality. I am was always someone who was out there and outgoing and in your face but then when thrown into a group of all new people I was tamed. Now I started getting more comfortable around my friends and started being myself and they freaked out. Kinda like "Mandy you used to be such a lady why are you changing" But they don't understand I am me just trying to be me. I guess that would be considered a mistake. Like the people I hang out with are all guys and they always expect me to sit there prim and proper makeup done dressed nicely, hair perfect and be a lady. I feel more like a Barbie, and I don't like it. |
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| mood: sullen On the speakers:: Bright Eyes. |
(1) comments |
| What's gonnah happen... |
Dec 19th, 2007 6:15:04 am - Subscribe |
| It took one short message "What do you think is going to happen after break?" Then you told me nothing&I was relieved. Because there is this boy he doesn't know I like him, but sometimes I think that there might be a little chemistry, but I don't know. I am bad with those things. Well he leaves for home in less than a week and I still havn't told him that I might kinda like him. Aww man why am I such a loser when it comes to these things? |
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| mood: peeved |
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| drunk. head spinning. help. |
Dec 16th, 2007 9:36:24 am - Subscribe |
| my head is spinning, partly because i am drunk and partly because my heart is torn in two. there is this boy who i was with for a few months now and he is basically a long spiral to nothing. emptiness. nothing. the body not the one i am meant for. i felt this deep inside. it's just something i didn't want to face until he slept with my best friend. then i met this kid recently who laughs for me when i make witty remarks, particularly for him, i think maybe it's the falling i love¬ and not exactly love I am falling in, just the feeling, the warmth of connection, like the gentle firm pull of small magnets. i know what needs to be done i need to leave the first boy but i am scared to be alone. and i don't know how the second boy feels he is so mysterious and i love that. |
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| mood: drunk On the speakers:: matchbox twenty |
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| Fuck this. |
Dec 15th, 2007 7:56:55 am - Subscribe |
| I hate boys so much. How can you say sorry to me when you slept with my best friend. So what if I am showing intrest in another boy, atleast I didn't fuck him. You said you were only thinking about me when you were with her? Then why did you still do that? It's wrong, your whole perception is wrong, me even having feelings for you is wrong. I am fucked up, and you are fucked. You didn't think I would find out at first, well you were wrong. I really hope you were thinking of me the whole time you were with her&I hope you think of me whenever you are with someone. Fuck this. |
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| mood: destroyed On the speakers:: Snow Patrol |
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| I wish I could say this... |
Dec 14th, 2007 2:36:25 am - Subscribe |
| This is a letter that I want to send to this really great guy. Hi- I know we just met not too long ago but I want you to know that I think you're an amazing person. I get so happy when I talk to you or about you. I just want to spend time with you because we are so alike. I feel like I've been your friend for so long and everything just feels so right. I don't know why I feel like this towards you because you are in no way my type at all but that seems okay because you accept me for who I am and there aren't alot of people who do that. When we talk I feel like time is standing still but then when I look at the clock I realize that it has been hours and we've been stuck on the same topic the whole time and that doesn't bother me because I find it so easy to talk to you. I find myself thinking about you all the time. I wanna hang out with you and talk with you and cuddle with you, and I think when we see each other I might even want to kiss you. You drive me throughout the day and you lead me on in the slightest way. You're a virgin and I like that, you're older but I like that too. You're so amazingly attractive and I can't stop looking at you. I just want to ask you out on a date but I am way to scared to. I feel like you would think that I am a creep but I don't want to risk that. You're not like any other guy I have ever met in my life. I can't read you as easily as I would like to but I think that maybe there might be a little chemistry. |
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| mood: odd On the speakers:: Something Corporate |
(1) comments |
| I'm the jester. |
Dec 12th, 2007 8:01:36 am - Subscribe |
| Play me like a fool, use your powers to make me dance. See if I let you do it anymore. You're an aweful person. Love is a mistake. You lead an aweful life. Take me and break me. What did you say to me two nights ago? I don't want to get hurt over break, yeah well neither did I. I hope she was good in bed, she used to be my best friend, and you use to be someone who cared. And I used to cry but not anymore. |
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| mood: queasy On the speakers:: Bronson Arroyo |
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