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addicted

Apr 17th, 2007 1:00:28 am - Subscribe

i feel really sick lately..
im not sure what it is///
guilt filtering out in bad ways..
but ive been throwing up..
and really sick in genral..

im not sure what to doo..
im not sure if i should continue..
or wait..

doesnt matter anyway..
im not do goood anyway..
i hate this..
icant deal with this..

its an aditction..
its everything i hate...
i have to change..
i have to start doing this properly..
live life theway i want..
it all starts with will power..

oh..
yeah..
he knows..
he knows bout this..
but not like it really is..

its going to be hard..
hard to live now..


xx
mood: rank
music: second handdd
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takes it toll

Apr 15th, 2007 8:49:36 am - Subscribe

dear diary,
its been hard. working...family!
but i cant keep making excuses becuase beofre i know it, ill be where i dont want to be. worse then where i am now. i need this. i need this for me, for my life, for this life.
Its harder but its a mndset, nothing else. i need to be better then this. better then everything to take this head on..
its tough...but im worth it.


i cant stop thinking that its ok...its only this..
then time goes by..
and agian...its only this..
i need to change my mind set..
my outlook on life..!

its got to change..
it HAS TO!
and this is thew ONLY way..
the only way i know how..

its has to work..
it just has too...

help me..
mood: un...everything
music: hey there dililah
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today.

Mar 10th, 2007 2:52:34 am - Subscribe

weelll...
life..
is kinda crap right now..
met some cool people..
but nothing really much tho..

my family is starting to go blah..
mum is always over the topp..
and troy is always got something to say..

buut...
tafe is going alright i spose..
starting to get serious..
so yeah its goodd..


rayner..
is just rayner..
he makes up lies to be dramatic..
he is so sweet tho..
and everytime i talk to him..
he is so nice..
and just happy..
nothing hidden at all..
its good..

wanna start meeting people..
going on dates and so on..
you know..
i went on a few..
and want to meet some new people..
and so on..
mood: hmm..
music: Eyes set to kill..
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update!

Mar 5th, 2007 5:32:04 pm - Subscribe

okay..
update time..

i have started a tafe course Fashion desginn..
and have been doing this for the past month.
i have met a few awesome people on the net..
so yeah..
friends..
and a few potential lovers..
lol..
there was Alex..
oh Alex..
he used me..
but all good..
im not really fussed anyway..
lol..

Ive been working at video ezy for the past week..
awesome..
enjoy it muchly.

rayner is being a totally arse wipe..
he has no idea what he wants..
for me and in genral..
im soooooooooo over caring..
and so over owrring about him..
i just dont care anymore..

im going to the belmont ball and kent st ball sooon..
end of the month..
got all my dresses and stufff ready..
need shoes..
and stufff..
but yeah..


excited!!!!!!!!

ummmm,,,
i think im going to be using this alot more..
i dont know how..
i dont know why..

but im going to start putting alot more on this..
maybe as a tafe journal or something..

something like that..

hmmm...
mood: diffrent
music: shh - Fou Frou
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moving on

Feb 19th, 2007 3:50:23 am - Subscribe

1:00pm - 66.4kg
6:30pm - 66.2kg

worked out for a bit today..
but had a bit of chocolate cake..
which is gay..
but im moving on..
deffently..
moving on..

im proud of myself..

but the real test will be tafe!





oh..
and i got a job today..
so walking to work..
and..working in genral..lol..
so yeah..
moving on..
oh..
and i got asked out on a date..
kinda..unoffical..
but yeah..
alex!
lol
mood: joyful
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another blog...another day

Feb 17th, 2007 4:15:01 am - Subscribe

i think its time for change..
time for a new..!

im going to start looking after whyself..
physically and emotionally..
only think about whats best for me..
and my body..

so now im going to keep this as a journal..
judge me..
like i care..
your a million miles away any way..

so go figure..

ive joined"ish" one of those pro ana sites..
deffently not saying in ano..
dont have the will power..
but..

there is very helpful tips to losing weight..
and the heathy way to do it..

mental objectives aswell..

like how i look at food..
and how it treats me emtionally..

i need to start gaining will power..
to help me..
the way i want to help me..

by helping my weight..
by helping me!


mood: relaxed
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just around the corner..

Jan 2nd, 2007 6:51:34 pm - Subscribe

rayner and i have decided to get back together..

a week and a half of bordem and lonelyness has tought him that i wasnt just there because i was..

he said he really misses me..
and that no-one in the whole world could replace me..

im really happy he came back instead of runnning off..

i missed us being happy..
it wasnt just the last 2 weeks..
it was the last 2 months..

we wernt happy before..
but now..
we are..he has done what he wanted..and now he is over it..
i love him dearly..
and i really hope that this makes us stronger..




i love you rayner..
mood: overwhelmed
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loose baggage..

Dec 30th, 2006 5:47:05 pm - Subscribe

rayner cam over yesterday..

and he keept going on about how good i looked..

he keept kissing me..
and touching me..

and we eventually had sex..

it was the best sex ive ever had..
well..ive only had sex with rayner..

but god it was good..

i think its because we know were not ment to do it.. but it was amazing..


he misses me..
which is fantastic..

its good for him to show some emtions..
other the anger..

well always have a bond...
that one day will be broken once somelese comes into one of our lives..

hopefully we will be friends for a long time..
best friends..

would be awesome..




in the last week..since we broke up..
i have lost 2.2 kg..
which is massive..
71.7 down to 69.5..
im so happy..
but i want to get down to 65 kg by the time i go back to work..
im so proud of myself..


but im kinda embarressed..

in the last week..
ive only had 3 real meals..
ive had 2 slim shakes..
and the rest i have missed..
the price i pay..
mood: excited
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hidden message.

Dec 27th, 2006 5:24:17 pm - Subscribe

over the last couple of days ive realised some thing about my relationship with rayner.

The last couple of months he hasnt been himself. He is agressive, spitful, angry and thats not the rayner i fell in love with. He's changed and it took this to realise that i still loved and cared for him but i wasnt in love with him anymore. The only reason i stuck around was because i knew how lonely i would be without him...

I miss him....but i miss the old him..the one i fell in love with....not this arsehole who only thinks about himself and when things dont go his way...then everything is agianst him and everyone wants him to fail.

he has been smoking pot and drinking heaps lately..
which ne never used to do...
and now due to him losing his licence he is just going down hill......fast....

i spoke to an old friend of ours and he told me that rayner has been smoking every night since we broke up...which is almost a week...and im conciding telling his parents about it, not out of spite but out of concern. I still care for him deeply...but i dont think a realationship is in the question...on both counts!

if we did decided to start dating agian, things would have to change..deffnetly have to change.
mood: bored.
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sad times

Dec 23rd, 2006 12:23:59 am - Subscribe

he left me..
im all alone now. ive got absolutely no-one to turn to..
i cant stop crying...
i dont know what to do..
two days before christmas and he hits me with this..
telling me he doesnt want to be with me anymore..

and expects me to be ok with it..
like its not riping me to streads to hear the people i want to be with for the rest of my life isnt in love with anymore..
we have been through so much this last year and a half..
and he just..

does this..

its killing me..

i just want to run away and fall in a hole and die..
never come back...

its sooooooo hard to sit back and watch him not care..
that this is destroying me..

i gave up everything for him..
everything..

my friends
school
my time...

everything i have..

for him...and he just throws me away like a used tissue...like the hundreds i have in front of me...

please....
god..
why isnt this killing him like its making me fall into pieces...



i miss him so much//
i need him to live..
to breath//
mood: lonely
music: escape artists never die..-FFAF
(1) comments

home alonee...

Dec 16th, 2006 2:03:49 am - Subscribe

ive been so bored lately..
rayner leaves me at home...
in this hot-arse weather and goes to his mates pool..!
glad i left work..!!
blah!

things have been going on between us..
he said he wasnt sure if he loved me anymore and wants to spend more time apart which is totally wierd because when we first started going out...we were inseprable..you didnt have noe without the other, and now im at home, bored shitless in my hot room while he lazying buy a nice cool pool.
i dont know what to do..
i dont know if i should shut up..
or if i should tell him how i feel...now...later..tomorrow....

im scared he is going to walk all over me and expect me to stay around..
i couldnt live without him. i would have absolutely nothing to live for..
i have no friends...no job..nothing..
and he just keep me on his string of things to do..
i know its one night and a couple of friends..
but its the fact that im here bored waiting for him..
nearly every single night.

should a relationship be like this?
mood: bored
music: take the time and talk about itt...
(1) comments

forget me..

Dec 6th, 2006 4:44:16 am - Subscribe

im sick of this relationship..

its going nowhere..

a few days ago we hit some rocks. He explained he wasnt sure if a relationship was for him..abd told me he kinda wished he was single again. We talker it over and decided to wait a month and see where we head. But we havnt gone far...
He has left me...agian...and gone home..!
i know its the silliest thing to be upset about but he doesnt seem like he understands how much i am willing to sacrifice for him...compared to the amount that he has given up for me, i have given up so much more...

im pregnant.
and he doesnt really give a shit..
like he said he was really woried but trufully, i can tell it doesnt effect him at all.

sacrifice
respect
appriciation


if it doesnt effect him full-on, its not worth a second glance.


i really hate how everything is one-sided.


i hope you read this...
mood: overwhelmed
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happy......??? fill the blanks!

Nov 30th, 2006 5:58:59 pm - Subscribe

im at my new job now...

and i hate it..

im working as an assistant in a day care centre...
i aplied for a job in their state office but as the position isnt available until january, they have given my a job in one of their centres.
its shit...
but it will do for another month..



its my birthday on monday..
3 days...
how awesome///

illl be 17!
yo biarch..

hahah

rayner is getting me a ddr mat...
awesome!
....


welll off to my driving leason//
mood: bbbooorrredddd
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is there a diffrence between lonely and being alone? i think so.

Nov 7th, 2006 12:14:51 am - Subscribe

cafe job gone..
bye bye..
have tiffs with some girls..
wasnt a good place to work..!!


so back home..doing nothing!
all over agian.
Its so lonely and there is absolutly notihng to do all day. So all i do is sit down and eat. Righ now im staring but there is nothing to eat.
I sick of being overweight..i hate no looking good in clothes..!
rayner doesnt understand. its a mind set more then anything. he doesnt understand that its just the way i see me, not the way i think he sees me..!
complicated.....? yeah i know!

i finished my bookss...
god i loved then! i wish i could read them all agian, but for the first time. kinda like sex!

uim so bored that im sitting at the computer pressing "home" over and over agian on myspace. Im searching for a new job but im really scared im going to end up in a job like before. when i was un happy and hated be there. But i really miss having something to do..

i miss having a life....!
mood: lonely
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bunny!

Sep 19th, 2006 12:02:01 am - Subscribe

im so bored these days. Ive got absolutly nothing to do. except sit on myspace and wait for a decent show on tv to come on. I start my new job tomorrow and im kinda excited but scared to. i knocked back the hairdressing for the cafe because it leaves me more room later on for a tafe course. Something in clothing production hopefully..!!

Rayner and i got a bunny the other day. His name is Hutch, like of Wallace and Gromit! He is adorable.

mood: bored
music: playradioplay!
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toubles?.

Sep 7th, 2006 8:13:24 pm - Subscribe

im so tired these days...

ive been reading alot lately..
John Marsden- The Tommorrow Series!

im up to book 4....Darkness, Be my friend!

its a good series///!



really it...i realised something...

about regrets...



i regret something...but the reason i regret is that i cant change it now..
so if i could change it...i wouldnt regret it!

also just doing things...

like i wanna go for a run...
but all i have here is high heels..
but if i hade proper shoes here..
would i wanna go for a run?
proberbly not...


donno if this is just me..
but its annoying...
but kind of comforting...




i think that im alot more deep then rayner...imean i think more about things...
because i say something of subject but has been troubleing me for a while..
and he looks at me like im some sort of freak.

i dont like it when he looks at me like that..


but i do love him..
mood: lazy
music: hollywood undead
(0) comments

got milk?

Aug 26th, 2006 11:36:04 pm - Subscribe

i got a job in town. in a little cafe thing. Its kinda hard to explain but it seems ok, i guess. But right now its a job and thats what i need. something to occupy myself, something for me to do. i hope its ok.

Im not sure if i still want to go to the hairdressing job. As they might get the wrong idea about why in there. Im just there for the experience now but it might lead to the job, but i doubt it.

kinda over everyone else. i think since i ve left school ive kinda found out more about myself and evloved im my tastes, style, friends etc and now i see people that havnt and i kinda think that they need to move on. I saw this girl that looked exactly like me, dess sense i mean , and i just think, "your abit behind". but i fell kinda guilty coz i have moved on and i expect the rest of perth to do the same.


blah!!

lives pretty alright now!!

mood: subdued
music: the higher
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job prospects

Aug 23rd, 2006 10:38:13 pm - Subscribe

All Rayner and i do is fight now. We hardly ever have nice concersation. Last night we had a big fight (which these days is quite common), and we tried to sort things out but i say things that i have bottled up for a long time and this creates aother level of the arguement. I dont like this at all.

Im still trying to find a job. I have applyed for about 30 and they either dont reply or find someone better. But one has come through, a counterthand job, but im not sure if its really what i want to do. Ive been trying to a hairdresssing aprrenticeship but nothing has worked out. It seems like i have a pretty good chance at this counterhand job but i still want the aprrenticeship. I know what i have to do aswell. Get some experience behind me and they will stop falling through.

I have a trial day next weekend( thursday, friday, saturday) at LUNITIK FRINGE, so if i get work experience before that then it might be a good prospect.


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mood: unforgiveable
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k.hk.yhk.

Aug 20th, 2006 9:11:51 am - Subscribe

im bored of this life!

i want a new one!!
mood: precious
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growing?

Aug 18th, 2006 12:56:10 am - Subscribe

ive decided to leave school...

i was getting bored and sick.. and was waging everyday..
with rayner..

and i think that time was spent together has made us loose ourselves in a way..

im diffrent now and so is he.
we both have changed but is this for the better?
i know we have grown in our replationship, but have we grown together or grown apart?
mood: scared
music: cfhderth
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