It wasn't a long ride from Clayton's home to the depot, but it wasn't exactly a short one either. The sun would be above the horizon by the time he was getting off the tram at his destination. The trams are relatively comfortable. They hard metal seats are at least contoured in a way that seems encourage healthy posture.
This far out from the city center there are only a few passengers remaining on board for the last half of the journey. Young looking, but of course almost everyone looks young. Most dressed like farmers and a few students. One man dressed and assuming the appearance of a merchant.
He is the only one that seems impatient to get to where we are going, the rest of them content to watch out the window and occasionally make eye contact and smile with each other. Except for the business man, he darts away his gaze if eye should accidentally meet.
Now there were only a handful of green dots on the minimap. It was Clayton, the business man, an old woman and a student on the train with just the tram engineer and conductor on board. In his periphery armor suit he attracted more than a few glances and stares throughout the journey but the three other passengers in the car seemed used to his presence by now. It isn't often people see a ranger on public transportation. Especially one with the amount of equipment and armaments as Clayton was carrying.
Surely he was being talked about now as the departed passengers reached their laboratories and offices, markets, and fields. What was a fully equipped ranger doing out his way? The threats were in the jungles to the west and south. They came down from the mountains to the north. But there was nothing to the east. It is a desert that no one has ever come back from.
As the tram came to a halt and the doors opened the old woman smiled a goodbye at Clayton and he bowed back reverently. The business man gathered his things and was off in a huff, never looking back. The student was absorbed in a video call with an attractive girl which brought back Clayton's memories from the night before.
"Was it real? Was she real? Was it all just the dream? Too many questions," he told himself. Of course she was real and he had indeed met her but he had never fallen in love before and nobody had warned him what it would feel like.
"Damnit, I really need to focus," he mutters to himself as he walks the remainder of the way to the depot. "This is not the day to be distracted."
This is the first time those five satellites will go online. Patrol units made two trips in the last week to clear the way. Only two encounters with predators on the first patrol and none the second.
He will have to stay calm and alert, keeping patient as he divides his attention between two tasks. If he loses himself completely in his work he will end up somebody's lunch.
He enters a sequence of numbers onto a pad next to a set of blast doors. They open up and he slips into a dimly lit hallway disappearing from sight.
Waking up is usually mundane. In the city it might be accompanied by the sounds of trams and cars in the intersections.
Out in the country the rooster calls out at first light, he is followed by the crescendo of bird song.
Either way, all but the very unfortunate few will wake up where they went to sleep. Seamlessly arising to meet a new day where it left off the night before.
On this particular day Clayton Wade woke up like he did most days. Ten minutes before his alarm went off he was up and getting ready. Having no particular reason to think today was different than any other, his thoughts were simple and pleasant. With the face of a woman he met last night filling his mental vision he shaved and got dressed robotically. His imagination engrossed in a little fantasy he continued from the dream just before he came to.
Boop-Beep-Boop! Boop-Beep-Boop! "Wake-up-bro," says the alarm. He waved his hand quickly but smoothly over something on a hook and the chime ceased to alert.
"Where was I?" he asked himself out loud. The device on the hook chimed in, "Good morning Clayton, you have five satellites today. I -"
He waves his hand over it again, silencing it. He put it on and finished getting dressed. With his fantasy broken by the interrupting watch there was nothing left to do but gather his focus for a long day.
Most field engineers would never have five satellites in one day but Clayton is one of the most exceptional of his time. However often he fails to see that about himself it is true none the less. Todays route has him going the furthest out anyone has ever gone from the city. It is a dangerous endeavor.
Once outside the city walls there are things of all shapes and sizes that want to eat humans. The threat is constant, however the most travelled routes are fairly safe. "Patrolman with weapons have done well to keep the city safe," he thinks to himself, "but there have been not patrols to where I'm going."
He is going to have to be vigilant today. He fastens on a full periphery suit. It's even better than eyes in the back of your head. This technology enhances the senses to superhuman levels. With it he can hear like a bat, see like an eagle, and feel electromagnetic fields of living organisms. It's armor as well, protecting from piercing and slashing as well. However, it can't protect him from being crushed, picked up, thrown, flown or pulled apart. "So I'll bring backup batteries for my plasma rifle."
He is beginning to look more like a cool astronaut than a ranger as he latches his spare ammo batts onto his waist belt. Rifle slung over one shoulder and a tool bag full of interesting objects hanging low on the hip. A sleek helmet completed the equipment.
The visor on the helmet came to life. After a few moments a heads up display came over the visor like it was a computer screen. His map and other vital information displayed around the edges of the screen. The computer constantly analysing the world around through cameras, satellites and the periphery suit. Life forms start dotting up all over on the map, the friendly green dots aren't the ones he need worry about.
in times of serious crazies i tend to throw an entry down on my old friend, Aeonity.
the sparse manic entries that i scribble
i miss writing, i want to write
I recently subjected myself to an ordeal of patience, compassion and enlightenment.
"Be careful what you wish for," or some variation of the proverb.
Enlightenment whooped my ass. Exhausted physically and mentally. Stability has been a day to day, hour to hour mystery.
Anxiety can strike like those expensive military drones. A missile of fast breath, tight chest and confusion.
I think anxiety is a respectable opponent. A dirty weapon, not to be underestimated.
Those peddling fear know the power of anxiety.
Fortunately, though, fear is hollow.
Pushed back by the flame of a pure heart. Shattered by the piercing blow of sharp intellect. Softened by compassion. Defeated with patience. Outwitted by simplicity.
Fear has no place in my life, cast aside with hope. Neither have substance, and I will not cling to either.
Been up late for too many nights in a row and I feel pretty damn tired finally. I hate when things catch up to me. I run run run, push push push, try to get away with as much as I can.
Pushing limits of my sanity, society and political correctness on a daily basis.
It isn't that I am extremely active and busy, I just cannot get the rest I require even for my lazy lifestyle.
Anyways, although much of my current physical status is due to lack of sleep I am also guilty of a few things I want to change. I need to eat healthier, stop smoking and exercise.
Typical things most people want to do, things that I need to do. My body has changed in the last 2 years and it bothers me more than I let myself think.
Step 1: Get proper rest. If I could get my sleep schedule straight I would actually have time for eating better and exercising.
Those three things would help my life so much, physically and mentally. It would make the bi-polar more friendly too.
I have had a nauseating vortex of thoughts lately. I cant focus but I ponder over fleeting ideas for a few moments before the next idea or distraction.
I guess I am coming to accept that bipolar is real. I am doing pretty great the last few months though. I have learned how to do this without medication pretty well.
I decided that it is part of who I am and I don't want to take pills to change that.
Writing my thoughts seems to be an effective way for me to cope. The things I wouldn't burden a friend with or don't care to discuss with people I know can be thrown off into the void of the netz. Sure some people I know might read it but it's on their own time and effort. I can be sure I am not being a downer to them.
As soon as I can concentrate again I want to plan a day to take photographs somewhere. Not sure where yet but I need to take more pictures.
I will be 23 years old in a month and a half. A sense of urgency to take more steps towards my goals is grabbing hold.
I feel motivated to pursue my goals now that I am less upset over the premature ending of what I thought was a nice relationship. I was her first boyfriend so I was silly to think we would make any real connection after all I've been through.
But that motivation thing. I am having non stop day dreams about photography, my media company I am working on and it excites me.
I need to go go go and realize some of these dreams once all the holiday madness dissipates.
Normally I am not hostage to the festivities but my life has become so social as of late that I am low on energy and time for myself.
Time to regroup and re-focus on what I love.
..and everything felt good until I fell asleep. There in my dreams I was vulnerable and haunted by the painful memories of bad things that never happened..
...another piece of my heart handed away. The hole left behind to be filled by her love. Instead darkness sinks in, cold tendrils of despair tighten. For it isn't her that the boy desires now...it is a longing to love and to be loved...
Never been led on this bad.
I knew better but I fell for her anyways.
The saddest part?
I will let it happen again and again and again with each girl I fall for.
Where are the girls that are meant for guys like me?
...or is that just a dream I will chase to my grave...
Well it's that time of year again.
Friday nights are pretty low key around the apartment. For me it's the end of a long 6 day work week. I would say I look forward to enjoying my day off (saturdays) but it's always the busiest day of the week.
Getting a new bed delivered, need to do some shopping to support the economy, er...christmas.
OH....and I am going to meet my girlfriends parents. This has never phased me in all my life....until now. Usually I get away with meeting a girls parents the first few times in passing...a few brief chats when i pick a girl up for a date.
This event is some sort of making cookies and hanging out for the day shit and its a bit of a thing because her sister is in town for the holiday.
WHO WILL BE MY GET AWAY DRIVER?!
No good excuses lined up for leaving if I get awkward. I guess it's because i have been feeling pretty 'emo' the past few days and not interested in chatting up parents.
WISH ME LUCK. I'm sure my charm will kick in. It always does.
For sake of simplicity I use Safari.
It has a nice little favorites bar.
This Blog is on that bar.
It's crazy how I can see something everyday and not really notice it or give real thought to it.
Today was weird for me. I convinced myself of something silly. But I held to my decision about silly thoughts like that, which is not to get carried away by them.
Go figure that I was right and that i was thinkin crazy thoughts. Closer and closer to handling my feelings I am.
Soon my roommate will be home. Hello Duvel Golden Ale and dicking around on my iPhone.
Well, Open Office should be downloaded by now (Was super slow to getting it on this comp). Going to update the good ol resume and get busy.
Money is the only thing I like more than women or myself...and the best thing in the world is all of those things together at the same time!
Past week has been interesting. I went and talked to a couple mormons yesterday, they seemed interesting. Basically they said that the book of mormon is not an addition to the Bible, but they didn't say it was part of it either. It's mostly about how after Jesus died and was resurrected, he came to "the americas" and taught the natives about him so that everyone could know about Him. The Book of Mormon states that when you read it and pray, God will show you the truth about whether or not the book is true. I don't know what it is, but every time I read that book it sort of freaks me out. It's a feeling I get, more than anything. Something tells me that that phrase is the only right one in the book of Mormon.
My mom freaked out at me when I told her that I talked to them. She threw a fit and told me "as long as you live under this roof you will not associate with mormons!" I laughed. That strikes me as so ridiculous. I get a craving to learn more and more about God and faith, and she freaks out and tries to stifle me.
As far as my faith goes, I know that the Bible is the ultimate truth, the ultimate authority. Anything that contradicts it is wrong. Exploring my options is a healthy thing to do, as long as I am grounded in my faith. But who knows, maybe I'm not grounded. My faith seems to be evolving by the day... I know very few people like myself who share my same beliefs. I have no problem dropping an F-bomb and I smoke cloves occasionally, but I won't kiss until marriage or participate in anything even remotely sexual.
I suppose I'm well overdue for an update.
Another girl has entered my life. Girl I work with. She's beyond gorgeous, makes easily twice as much as I do, and is 23. But she doesn't exactly hold the same beliefs as I do and doesn't practice abstinence. So if we did end up together I'd give myself less than a week before the whole abstinence thing got thrown out the window haha.
So that's not an option... mostly because I know I've been called not to date right now. But still, it's been a struggle fighting it off. I almost asked her out the other night. That would have been dumb as shit. And I know it makes me a total douche, but I'd pretty much be the biggest pimp ever if I dated two different servers at my work =P
I haven't struggled s at all lately, which has been really nice. My main struggle hasn't really even been not asking her out. It's been not dwelling on the thoughts of doing so, or being with her. I find myself often speculating about how I would go about asking her out, where I would take her, etc. But this isn't good at all to think about, since I'm doing my best NOT to let that happen.
Had an odd dream about Dana last night. We were on my couch and she kissed me and told me that it wasn't working out with mike. I ended up making out with her. I pray for the best for her, I honestly do. Every part of me hopes she'll find Christ. I almost feel arrogant saying this, but for some reason, something in the back of my head tells me someday she'll call me up and want me back. For her sake, I hope she never ends up like that, but if she does, at least I'll be prepared.
I'm finally to the point where Dana isn't on my mind constantly. Daily, yes, but not on an hourly or minutely basis. I suppose time does help heal. I realized today that I only have like three weeks left until I hit day 92, which is the longest time I've ever gone without any sexuality. Crazy. Here I come.
I have a lot of things on my mind, and I need to write them out so I can deal with them logically and one at a time.
Biola: I want to go next semester. But it's probably a better idea to finish my AA then transfer there rather than just dropping everything I'm in the middle of and signing up. After this semester I'll have nearly 60 units, but a lot of them are biology and chemistry units, which I won't be using. So I don't know if that means I need to get more classes that are geared towards psychology or what.
I want something new. I almost feel like I'm running away to Biola. Maybe if I completely separate myself from everything I know and am familiar with, I can grow in Christ unhindered. Maybe I'd be more at peace without having to work with Dana or deal with the haunting memories I have in certain places with her. Living on my own with other men and women of Christ, on the beach, studying psychology... ah, how it sounds like bliss. *sunsets on the beach*
I have a few things I want to do before I hit Biola. One thing that would be nice is if I sold my MacBook Air and got the new MacBook. It's a lot more well balanced computer and more realistic for a student. This is purely a desire though and in no way a need.
One thing I NEED to do is stack up a bunch of money. My car will be paid off a year from now. Books are pricey and I highly doubt I'll be able to get a job down there where I get tipped. Once I hit Biola, my expenses should be almost nothing, especially if I leave my car in redding. Tuition, rent, and food will all go on loans o.O. So I hopefully should do ok financially.
Deanna: ah, I want to help her so much. But I can't if she doesn't want to commit to Him. We're going on a walk tomorrow, and I'm planning on asking her if she's fully committed or if this is just a halfway thing. But I tend to rarely stick to a plan, so we shall see what happens.
I might sell my wii. It's started to be a hindrance to my walk with Him and my motivation in general.
I have homework and I'm tired. But all I want to do is think about and plan for Biola. Damn.
So apparently when I'm not close to God, I avoid blogging too, since that forces me to look at my life from a spiritual perspective. I have quite a bit to catch up on.
I strayed from Him. I just got busy and lazy and stopped journalling for several days. I was watching a movie a couple times and I should have looked down at certain parts, but didn't, which fueled my sex drive even more. But the other night I picked up my Bible, got bored within 5 minutes, so I went on a walk with Him, in the darkness, wind, and rain. It was beautiful.
I prayed for Deanna mostly, and texted 5 other people to do the same. She needs Him so much. It pains me to see her struggle with the same pain I did mere weeks ago, but on a larger scale. I texted back and forth with her for an hour or so afterwards, just sending messages of encouragement, which were returned with depressed, and once even hostile responses. She said God can't take all her pain away. I know that's not true. Letting go of pain, anger, and sadness isn't easy, but I've seen Him move mountains and wipe out armies with a blink of an eye, so I know that it is possible. I just wish I could somehow show her that.
...I have no doubt that she likes me. But I can't fall into a relationship with her. That's not the position I've been called to be in. At least not now, not for a long time, if at all. I'm not even really tempted. I just can't see us together like that. But I have so much love and compassion for her. I want to be there for her, but I know that if I'm constantly there, she'll become dependent upon me instead of Christ, which would destroy any meaning of me in her life. I text with her frequently, but I only want to meet with her a couple times a week to make sure that doesn't happen.
Andrew and Peta... two of my best friends who are dating. They make out, which I'm not a huge fan of, but that is between them and God, so I refrain from making too much noise. But Andrew told me the other night that Peta said she wouldn't care if he felt her up. I pretty much flipped out.
That was the single aspect of the relationship between Dana and I the burned me the most. It fucked me up beyond words. Getting sucked into an addictive sexual relationship, then having it instantly cut off was devastating on my mind and heart. There's no way I'm letting my best friend get sucked into this.
As for Peta... I don't think she understands how guys work. I was pissed as hell at her for a bit, but then I realized that it was pure ignorance (I don't mean that to be condescending). Her mom is a crackhead and her dad died of cancer a couple years ago, so I can't really stay mad at her for not understanding how guys think.
So I talked to Andrew, and he's going to talk to her about that soon. I'm not leaving him alone until he does haha.
I'm limiting my time on my Wii. It became a distraction over the past week. One hour a day, at most, and not until I've spent time with Him. Damn that makes me feel childish... setting limits on how often I play video games... -_-
I might go down to Biola next semester as a psychology major. They make really good money, so student loans won't be that much of a hindrance. I'm prayin about it. That would give me such glee.
I was on the bluff watching the sunset an hour ago... I randomly decided to text Dana to tell her to look at the sunset. Within five minutes she showed up. That was freakin weird as hell haha. I guess she was driving by and knew where I would most likely be, so she dropped by. We talked for a half hour or so. It was good. I get more and more comfortable each time we talk. I should pray for her and Mike.
Praise Him. He is good.
Sweet girl. So after day 50 I backed off quite a bit. I didn't want to get too close and lead her on or anything. I didn't actually see her until last night.
We were hangin out at Jay's house. Movie night or something. It was more like hang out time with a movie in the background. There were half a dozen people there, and the only one I really knew was Deanna, so I spent most of the time talking with her and hanging out on Jays couch. One thing lead to another, and we ended up cuddling for a while and she fell asleep in my arms. It felt damn good to sleep next to someone again. And all the while I had that nagging voice telling me not to pursue her.
We woke up around 5 am or so... mostly because the couch was pretty uncomfortable. We both sat up and stared at the heater for a few minutes. I knew why I hesitated to return to the same position, but was curious why she was as well.
"What happens now?" she asked.
I told her I wasn't ready for this. That I had just gotten out of an unhealthy relationship a couple months earlier and was still dealing with the pain it had brought me.
She told me she had just gotten out of a relationship a month ago and was doing the same. Turns out that she's going through some of the same shit I am lately. She got cheated on. She got too physical with him. She went back to him when she knew she shouldn't. The difference between us is that she is holding on to her hate, and I have let mine go. My first instinct was to try to help her leave that behind, but she said something that made me realize that her bitterness is the very thing that is keeping her from going back to him.
I don't think it's healthy to harbor bitterness. But it's odd to think that that is the one thing that is keeping her from going back to him. I guess my best plan now is to pray for her healing, as well as mine, pray that we don't get sucked into co-dependency, and pray that I can show her His love.
I'm going out with her tonight. I'm probably gonna show her a blog or two about what happened between Dana and I so she gets the full gist of the situation. From there, I have no idea what to do. I'm bringing my Bible. Speaking of which, I need to pick that book up more often. I don't feel dependent upon it anymore, which makes me uneasy.
Well, it's 12:01. Today was day 50. No sexual contact with anyone or anything. I honestly never really thought I would get to this point.
I've realized that I'm not invincible. As long as I stay close to Him, fighting temptation becomes much easier, but if I leave His area of protection, I can be swept away as easily as I was a few months ago. This makes me nervous because the past few days I haven't been very close to Him. I'm going to read my Bible after I finish this.
I met a girl a couple weeks ago. She's cute, sweet, wants to adopt, and gives back massages. I also have that specific, constant feeling in me that says DON'T PURSUE HER. Her name's Deanna. Deja vu, eh?
I took her out last night. It was a pretty stupid idea. All my other friends went to bed because they had homework and stuff, so I texted her and we met at Denny's and ate food. I ended up paying too. I didn't really mean for it to be a date, but it sorta turned into that. She texted me later that night and thanked me for dinner and said she had a great time. Ah... I'm gonna back out of that one like there's not tomorrow. (wait, that makes no sense... lol)
My own humanity fascinates me. I jerk off, and I feel good for mere seconds, then I feel like shit for a while and it's not worth it. Then I repeat it over and over. You'd think after once or twice I'd learn. Same with this situation. Another Dana is coming right at me and I know it. And yet, I'm actually tempted to continue on like this. Amazing. I'm still feeling some mild repercussions from my last relationship that I knew wasn't right, and yet here I am, thinking about starting this whole painful process over again. Even rats can learn by shock therapy. What is it in me that makes me want to screw around when I know I'll bleed from it later?
I got some powerful imagery in my head today.. not sure where it came from. I realized that when I ran to God, He set me on fire. That's often used as a positive thing in the church... being on fire for God, share light with your fire, or whatever the hell they say these days. But for me, it wasn't some glorious experience or spiritual high that left me feeling fantastic or light headed.
Being set on fire was painful. It burned. My heart ached. Ever watched a movie where they soak someone in gasoline and light a match? Yeah, that's pretty much what it was like. True, everything that was not of God was burned away, but the heat from that fire still scorched my skin and bones. And as the weeks passed, there was less and less hatred, lust, and sickness to burn away, and the fire eventually died down. Hell, I felt like all that was left was my inner core, a small fragment of humanity that had been lost and forgotten about. Spiritually I pretty much had to start from ground zero.
But now that most of the pain is gone, I have a new life. I'm not the same person I was 2 months ago. I'm not controlled by my lust. I'm not driven by my greed. I'm not a slave to my lazy nature. I'm driven by Christ. I've developed a passion for Him. I want more and more. I go to chapel at Simpson and bethel whenever I can now, because I hunger for Him. I love Him.
I can clearly see why I felt moved to start up my blog once again. Seeing Him move into my life, wipe out everything that was, and build something completely knew is so... mind boggling. It's good to go back and look at the individual days and see where He helped me and when He carried me.
Yes, in His great mercy, He lit me on fire. But I was not alone even while I suffered. He was with me every step of the way. Even now I feel His presence. I love Him.
This was supposed to be a 10 minute blog. haha... I'm going to watch the sunrise in the morning... assuming it's not rained out. We shall see!
So I was in my psychology class, and my professor was talking about how we live in a very sexually repressed society.
I also remember reading somewhere that sex is generally healthy and good for stress relief.
So this got me thinking... is a life of abstinence truly healthy? On the other hand, my past semi-sexual experiences have fucked me up pretty good, so I'm at an impass. Even if I was to abandon my faith and my abstinence, I have no clue who I would screw with. Casual sex just doesn't seem like my type of thing. But maybe it would be if I tried it. Who knows.
I'm glad I didn't think about this a couple months ago.
Past few days have been ok. I realized last night that I'm slowly slipping back into that lazy stage where I do nothing productive and don't listen for God. I did nothing yesterday. Nothing. So I decided today would be different. I did some homework this morning, and now I'm gonna go meditate for a bit before school at 11.
I hate tuesdays. It's the very end of my weekend. I work wednesday through saturday. I'm not a huge fan of the shack anymore. Loads of memories with Dana which I'm trying to burn from my memory. After all, that is where I first met her, talked to her, where we hung out a lot, etc. God help me through these four days.
He's calling me. I gotta go. Maybe I'll post more later.
God grant me a passion for you.
I was watching braveheart the other night... it's a damn good movie. In the first half hour or so, William's father and brother are killed, and he is forced to leave everything he knows and loves to follow his uncle.
At first he fights the idea of leaving his home. But that night he has a dream. In his dream, he is with his father. His father looks over at him and says,
"Your heart is free. Have the courage to follow it."
His uncle teaches him to become a great leader. A great warrior. One who fights with passion. One who will not back down, even when vastly outnumbered.
Praise the Lord, O my soul, all my inmost being, praise His holy name.
Today was nice. I got out of class early and ran up to the bluff, where I took dozens of pictures. The sky was beautiful today. It was a bit rainy, and very cloudy and windy. As I stood on that cliff, I felt at one with God. Viewing his creation, standing in the wind and rain... it puts me at such peace. I feel so close to Him when I just worship Him in His creation.
I went to work at 5. Dana must have talked to Ashleigh (her best friend) or something because she walked over to me and asked me how I was. We talked for a bit, and it was good.
I told Dana when we talked that I didn't want to turn into another Matt. Matt is her ex fiance, who is still desperately trying to get her back, even though he is in the Air Force, gets drunk frequently and has 1 night stands, etc. I didn't want to be another creepy ex boyfriend. Though it pains me that it didn't work out between us, the fact that this is what I needed is as blatant as His love and compassion right now.
I was listening to worship music in my car today. I started praying for Dana, and He told me to stop. Be at peace, for it is in My hands, He said. I want her to come to Christ. I've been praying for her daily. I've done everything I can. The rest is up to Him.