xkrx's Blog

see, the months they don't matter, it's the days i can't take...
Date: Nov 23rd, 2004 3:15:27 am - Subscribe
Mood: alone
music: \'new american classic\' - taking back sunday

i remember having a conversation with dave about how i need people, and that is the thing that makes me weak, my largest flaw. somehow, without knowing it or really trying, i've come to barely rely on people at all... and in one sense it is invigorating to realize, and in another it is absolutely depressing. i choose not to confide in anybody because i can't... but for some reason here i am confiding in anybody that may stumble across this blog. i guess i didn't even really choose not to confide in anybody, it just happened, and thats what made me realize that my need for people has become miniscule. i can't confide in my sister anymore, she's still my best friend but i don't see her enough to do anything other than tell her whats new... sometimes i can get into other things, but usually its just 'whats been going on at college, kristin?' ehh... a lot. heh. i really thought i could confide in my roomate, and i even did a few times... but recently she seems really cold when talking to me... if talking to me at all. my best friends moved away to go to college... what am i left with? new friends... aka, acquaintances. the new friends i've become closest to seem to even be distancing themselves... is this all some odd figment of my imagination? i stopped going to therapy a couple weeks ago... he couldn't help me... he got me to think about some things in a different way... but nothing that actually helped me to produce results... and i'm trying so hard to fix everything myself but it is more difficult than i can even explain. he recommended this book i've been reading... its supposed to help you overcome depression and anxiety... and i'll read something in there and think to myself 'hey, thats me' then they say whats wrong with that scenario... its sad that you get so used to some things that you don't realize that they're wrong. when you do find out that they're wrong... well... those are some of the hardest things to fix... actually, i guess its all hard to fix. these 'automatic thoughts' that i have... like low self-esteem for example... i can analyze this thought right after i notice it and think to myself 'now, this is kind of exaggerating, it can't possibly be true' but no matter how many times i say that to myself or no matter how many people tell me that this 'automatic thought' is false, i can't convince myself so. i can pick out more flaws in me than anybody seems to be able to realize... and if i try to explain all of the flaws to them they don't seem to find much wrong with them... but how can you believe people? people lie, its in their nature, they can lie to try and make you feel better, friends do that sometimes. wait a second... how the hell did i turn friends into something negative? alright... so i'm going to end this entry before i destroy everything...
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